Not a day goes by that I don't wish he was ours. That you were his mother.

The world is spinning around her at an uncontrollable pace. His words, the center of an emotional storm all around her. His touch is like rain. His pained expression like the wind. His confession like thunder.

Being the mother of his child.

In the depths of her mind it was the one dream that she never allowed herself to ponder too long. The guilt of wanting such a thing was overwhelming. Motherhood was something she wanted for so long. No one knew that more than him. And there was no one she wanted to be the father of her child more than him. She wanted him to protect their son or daughter the way he protected her. Fierce and unrelenting. But then the long shot of that dream was destroyed that one fateful day.

There are times in her life that will forever be etched in her memory. Some good, some bad but all unforgettable. She remembers exactly where she was and what she was wearing when her mom told her she was a child of rape. She remembers walking into Cragen's office on that cold December day when she was told her mother had an accident and died. She remembers the moment and the feeling in her heart when she stood at the end of the stairs watching while Noah was brought to her and rocking him in the old wooden chair in the foster home. And she remembers being in the drafty courthouse awaiting the news if she would be called to testify when Elliot uttered those two devastating words.

Kathy's pregnant.

She took a deep breath. Hiding her true feelings as best she could. The look on his face when she asked him what he was going to do she remembers as well. Despite the professional turmoil surrounding her, the news that he had another baby on the way with his soon to be ex-wife had drained any fight she had left. In a way, she had been almost grateful for the three month suspension she was handed because it gave her the physical distance from him that she so desperately needed.

She cut her hair, took a boring trip to the beach, cleaned excess clutter from her apartment and spent every second trying to rid herself of any further romantic thoughts about her partner. His confession about Kathy's pregnancy and inevitable return home confirmed that she was wrong about whatever she thought was brewing between them. But maybe she wasn't….after all this time…

"Liv?" Elliot asks, timidly placing his hand on her knee. "Are you okay?"

She shakes her head wiping away moisture on her face that may or may not be tears.

"Are you sure?" He whispers and she almost feels sorry for him. The whirlwind in her head is matching the anguish in his voice.

Olivia places her hand over his and squeezes gently. "I'm okay I just…" She exhales, tightening her grip around his hand hoping the words will come to her. "It's just... I didn't expect you to say that."

"I didn't either," he smiles halfheartedly, his thumb brushing her knuckles lightly. "I guess I just thought..shit since we were telling each other stuff now that you deserved to know that. It's something I've been keeping to myself for too long. But I couldn't..I couldn't say anything before."

Before.

Before when fate decided to put her in the car with Kathy and they got into a horrific accident. She had been genuinely frightened for Kathy's life because she knew it would kill him to lose her and the baby. So she put everything aside again and focused. A talent that she had quietly thanked a higher power for over the years. The ability to push love, emotions and jealousy away when it was necessary. She helped to save his wife's life and was the first to hold their son in the back of an ambulance when Kathy lose consciousness. As she watched the lines on the monitor flatline, she held on to Eli so tight.

This little boy that was half Elliot. Although she was devastated when she first heard about the pregnancy, when she held his son in her arms it had all gone away. His soft cries, his little body wrapped in foil pressed against hers. For a moment, she felt a bond with him when he was laid against her chest. She had soothed him, constantly reassuring him that it would be okay. They would all be okay. One way or another.

"I know you couldn't," she assures him, the tiniest crack present in her voice. Too many questions are on the tip of her tongue and she didn't know which order to ask. Should she even ask them? But he's the one who brought this up so if he could get something off his chest so could she. "Why didn't you?" She asks weakly. "Why didn't you come to me?"

Elliot let's out a deep breath, closing the last small fraction of space between them. "The same reason I always held back when it came to you. I was scared out of my mind. Confused," he explains swiping away at invisible sweat on his forehead. "My mind was a fuckin' mess after that situation with Royce and-"

Olivia drops his hand, her palms kneading at her thighs. The Malcolm Royce case. She knew it. Those nights when she laid in bed mercilessly calculating when it could've happened. He had told her he was going back home before that and she accepted it. But after his announcement especially when he was helping her sort out the mess with Simon there was a shift with them. He stopped mentioning going back home and they changed. They stayed late at the precinct eating dinner and talking over paperwork that could've waited until the morning. He came to pick her up for work and dropped her off when he didn't have to. They laughed together and enjoyed each other's company. She felt they were on the edge of something new, much like they are now. But with one visit to the squad room, Kathy's news changed everything.

"It was Royce. I knew it." She drops her head into her hands.

"Liv?" Reaching for her hand again, he tries to get her attention. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," she whispers, the tears sliding down her face past her nose.

"Yes I do. Everything could've been different if I would've-"

Olivia raises her head, dislodging his hand in the process. "Stop. Just-stop."

It's too much. All of it. The road not traveled. The fork in the broken road. They had gone in two separate directions. The thoughts of what could've been were enough to bring her to her knees and she couldn't give in to that. Because she's convinced none of those roads with Elliot back then would've lead to Noah now. And that's a path she can't allow herself to fathom.

She rubs his arm and lays her head on his shoulder. "It all worked out the way it was supposed to. I have to believe that and so do you."

It takes him an extra second to contemplate her words before his lips curl up in a sad smile. "Yeah you're right."

Her line of sight goes to the toybox against the wall that her son never seems to remember to put his toys in and his eyes follow her. He lets out a low chuckle, nodding his head slightly. Message received. "You're right," he repeats. Lifting her hand, his lips graze across her knuckles.

Olivia lowers her forehead and he meets her halfway. Their history is a long and complicated one. Moments and events she wishes she could do over, some that maybe should've stayed the same.

"Would you...if I would've come to you that night. Would you have..?"

He doesn't need to finish the sentence. She knows exactly what he means. Would she have taken the chance on their romantic relationship? Would she have sacrificed the only stable partnership she had for a chance to be with him and possibly one day be the mother of his child? Would she have made love to him?

"Yes."

His eyes screw shut at her answer. The raw emotion of a decision he didn't make scratching his skin bare. Elliot doesn't respond. Instead his lips drop to her forehead, his arm circling her waist. The atmosphere of lust a few minutes before has evaporated. Instead replaced with the weight of their loaded past. But this time it didn't drive them apart or translate into uncomfortable silence. The silence between them now was inviting and comforting in a way it hadn't been before. Words uttered and washed off in waves of new beginnings. They wouldn't ever be that Benson and Stabler again. The partners with a degree of mutual reliance and emotional dependence that compromised their effectiveness as police officers.

Instead they would be something much more.

The next couple of days Olivia went to her scheduled appointment with Dr Lindstrom, a parent's activity at Noah's daycare in addition to working as much as possible to find the other suspects in the Sandoval murder. Her schedule equated to a broken dinner date with Elliot but he was very understanding. After the talk at her apartment, they had agreed to take things step by step and see how it went. She assumes the official term was dating but she was reluctant to put a label on anything these days.

She didn't know what "dating" Elliot would be like or what to expect, but she was pleasantly surprised when he ordered her Chinese takeout the night before when she ended up working late. He had it delivered to her apartment just a few minutes after she arrived home.

Thankfully his admission hadn't created an uneasiness between them. If anything, it opened the door even wider in terms of their communication. Something they had been doing often whenever she could find the time in her hectic schedule. He still hadn't met Noah yet but after talking to her therapist she was done over thinking the situation.

Don't stress yourself out Olivia. There's no right or wrong answer to when it's time to introduce your son to someone in your life. Trust your instincts. You will know when it's the right time.

She would know.

As with everything with her and Elliot there was a time and place. Speaking of time, Olivia settles into her desk, nervously checking her watch as the clock approaches lunchtime. It was just a few hours ago when she was taken by surprise and received a call from Maureen asking if she could meet her and Kathleen for lunch. The excuses were on the tip of her tongue and because she's definitely her father's daughter, Maureen beat her to the punch by making sure it was a place nearby and would be really quick.

Considering the circumstances under which she saw Maureen last she had every right to be nervous but she swallowed her angst and accepted the invitation.

"Great," Maureen had exclaimed clapping her hands together. "We will see you then."

It was only ten minutes until she was going to meet them across the street but she had become restless. Grabbing her coat, she shuts down her laptop and walks towards the door when she almost literally runs into Ed.

"Hey you leaving?" He asks although the answer is evident.

Olivia sighs, briefly looking down to the jacket and purse in her hands. "Yeah looks like it."

Ed exhales, his arms swinging back and forth nervously and she decides to put him out of his misery. "I have a minute or two to spare," she states and steps back into the office, shutting the door. "What's on your mind?"

The furrow in his brow eases a little. "Well I had a visit yesterday."

Olivia stiffens, a ball twisting in her gut. Dear God no.

"From Chief Dodds."

She closes her eyes in relief. For a second she thought it was Elliot. "Oh really how did that go?"

"How it always goes. The usual him asking around about things that's none of his business but he seemed to be pretty interested in the whole me and you going to his retirement party together."

"Unbelievable," she groans, setting her purse in the guest chair. "He really needs to find something else to do with his time."

"Yeah well. I was about to tell him that I wasn't sure if I was even still going or if we were going together but I could see that would just lead to more invasive questions."

"Don't bother trying to get out of it. I already alluded to not being able to attend and got shut down. And if you said we weren't going together all of a sudden he would've just been nosey about it and ask in a roundabout way what happened and it's not for him to know."

"Yeah and I know how you are about that kind of stuff," he comments partnering the sarcastic remark with an eye roll.

Olivia bristles but quickly regains her ground. "So did you come all the way down here to be a smart ass or was there something you actually wanted to tell me?"

His mouth presses into a thin line, the regret evident in his shoulders. "Look I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you that and just suggest that we still go together...you know just to keep the rumor mill down."

Sometimes she really hated being a female in the department. She had gone to one function with Dodds and saw how people whispered including her own team. It shouldn't have mattered what people thought but it was the real world and she didn't have another viable option. If she didn't go with Ed she would have to go by herself or maybe she could bring...no. It was too soon for that. Especially if Ed was going to be there.

"I'll see. I just don't know if it wouldn't be weird with you know...everything."

"Look I know we ended things," Ed begins, shuffling a little closer to her. "But I hope we can still be friends."

"I don't know how that works," she shrugs. "We were never really friends before y'know? But I would like us to still be able to be cordial with each other. It doesn't have to be weird"

There is a quick knock on the door before Carisi opens it. "Hey Lieutenant you have a visitor here." He steps back and Maureen walks up to the entrance to her office.

"Hey," she looks at Olivia fidgeting with her hands nervously. "I hope it's okay that I showed up here. I figured we could walk over together."

Maureen's eyes quickly shift over to the other person in the room and Olivia feels the change in her demeanor almost instantly.

Ed stills, his eyes casting down.

She looks back and forth between them for a moment before her manners step in. "Maureen this is Captain Ed-"

"Tucker," Maureen interrupts. "We've met before."

"Yes we have," he smiles although it doesn't quite meet his eyes. "I met Maureen when her dad came to the office to sign his retirement papers and drop off his gun."

"Oh." She had no idea that Maureen was present for that conversation. The chilly reception she gave him now made more sense.

"It's nice to see you again," he extends his hand attempting to be polite.

Maureen shakes Ed's hand giving him a strained smile, much like the one he had given her a few seconds before.

"Well I guess I better get going then," he announces walking towards the door. He turns back to Olivia looking past Maureen. "See you later. Think about what I said."

"I will."

Olivia watches him walk away and turns around to grab her purse when she notices the look of disdain on Maureen's face. "You ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine," she lies and Olivia smiles at the pout on her face, the hunched shoulders and the darkening of her blue eyes. She's so much like her father.

"I can tell. Come on," she places her hand on the Maureen's back guiding her toward the door. "We can talk about it over lunch."

Thirty minutes into the meal and they've gotten past the awkward hugs, small talk and settled into a more comfortable space. Olivia showed them pictures of Noah and beamed when talking about his favorite toys and books. Both Kathleen and Maureen manage to update her about school and work respectively and even a little glimpse into their dating lives. Olivia watches them both in awe and can't believe it's been five years since she's seen them. They seem like two different people. Maureen had gone through the normal young adult angst and had grown into a well adjusted woman despite everything that was going on around her. It was Kathleen she had worried more about considering her past but one look at her when they approached the tables to sit down and she knew she was still taking her meds and was coping well with her illness.

"So what was Ed Tucker doing in your office? He's not coming after your job too is he? Because if he is-" Maureen asks and Olivia holds up her hand to stop her.

"No no, it's nothing like that at all."

"Oh." Her defensive posture relaxes and she brightens back up. "Well that's good to hear."

Yep. She is definitely her father's daughter.

Olivia takes a bite of her salad, glancing down at her phone. Out of the corner of her eye she can see the two girls exchanging looks and knows that it's about her

She had watched them grown up, been in their lives and listened to their dad express both his joy and frustrations with them over the years. Instead of being closed off when it comes to talking about anything personal, she gives into the feeling of ease and familiarity she has being around his daughters.

"Ok," Olivia sits back in her chair, crosses her legs and sets the phone back down on the table. "Go ahead and ask what you want to ask."

Maureen and Kathleen look at each other and then clasp their hands on the table almost simultaneously. "Thank you for this," Kathleen says excitedly. "Look we will just cut to the chase. I know that you and Dad have not talked to each other and that he wasn't there for you through some...stuff," she looks down.

"You're doing a great job selling this," Maureen cuts in earning a nudge in the elbow from her sister. Olivia laughs at the exchange.

Leaning across the table, Kathleen continues. "I'm just trying to say I know that you two have been through a lot both separately and together but I want you to know that he cares about you so much. He always has and always will."

"I think what my sister is so eloquently trying to say is that we aren't trying to meddle in whatever is going on and we want you to know that all of us are supportive and on board with whatever happens with the two of you," Maureen explains.

"Fully supportive," Kathleen adds.

Olivia sucks in her bottom lip trying to stop from giggling at the two grown women across from her that look as if they are trying to explain why they came in late from a date to their parents.

"I appreciate that and that's good to hear." Reaching across the table, she places her palm over both of their hands and squeezes gently.

"So does that mean you guys are going to hook up?" Kathleen asks and Maureen slaps her on the arm. "Oww what? You know you want to know too."

"Be mature for once," Maureen rolls her eyes. "And just so you know she doesn't mean hook up in the traditional sense because you don't have to tell us that but just if you guys are going to try and date or something."

"Well thanks for the clarification," she chuckles. "But I guess we are just taking it day by day and seeing where it's going. We've got some stuff to work out but ultimately we want to be in each other's lives and no matter what happens at the very least you guys should know that you aren't going to get rid of me. I'm going to be always be around ok?"

They both shake their head and Olivia almost loses her composure when she sees tears brimming Kathleen's eyes.

"I hate to break this up but I have to get back to the office." Standing up, she takes the check from Maureen's hands. "This one is on me. You guys stay and keep gossiping about me and your dad. I'll take care of this."

They both stand up and hug her goodbye. "Thanks for everything Liv," Maureen says while giving her a hug. "By the way we meant what we said," she whispers in her ear. "Everyone is on board. Including mom."

Olivia steps back, looking into Maureen's eyes and sees the sincerity in her expression. Kathy. It was her reaction that was also nagging in the back of her brain.

"I promise," Maureen adds reading the uncertainty on Olivia's face. She nods in response, unable to speak past the knot in her throat.

"Have a good rest of your day. We will call you soon to go shopping or something," Kathleen calls out to her.

"Sounds good. I actually have a stupid work party thing this weekend I haven't bought a dress for so maybe you two can help me find something."

"Looking forward to it," Maureen agrees.

Olivia smiles at them both and heads for the exit. After paying the check she pulls out her phone again. There are five text messages from a nervous Elliot who knew about her lunch date with his kids.

Everything ok?

Olivia walks out the door, the view of the precinct just ahead. She takes a deep breath and relaxes before responding back to him.

Yes. Everything is just fine.