"How many drinks did you have?" Dr. Lindstrom asks, his hands clasped in front of him observing every nuance of her posture.
Olivia exhales, the feeling of guilt and setback overwhelming. "One or two beers."
"That's all?"
She shrugs, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "Yeah that's it."
"What else did you do?"
Her first thought was to challenge him on his comment but over their years together she has grown to trust him and his methods. They are going somewhere with this so she resists her natural instinct to fight back and goes along for the ride. "I sat for a little while and people watched. There was a basketball game or something on but I didn't want to watch that so I just...chilled out."
Dr. Lindstrom chuckles and sits back in his oversized brown leather chair. "Chilled out? I don't think I've ever heard you use that term before. That's new."
He's right. She laughs at her interesting choice of words. "I don't know another way to describe it. I just needed a change of scenery. Being at home just reminded me of…"
"It reminded you of the dream."
She nods her head. "I just needed air. So I just played some mindless game on my phone, sipped on a beer and dodged Elliot's phone calls all night."
"Hmm," he appraises her. "Still haven't talked to Elliot?"
"No. I sent him a text letting him know that I was okay because I didn't want him to worry and knew he would. But we haven't talked."
"What did you do when you got home?"
Leaning her head back slightly, she recollects the rest of the events of last night. "I peeked in on Noah, sat in his room for a little bit. That calms me," she explains and he nods his understanding. "Took a long bath, tossed and turned for a bit and then finally went to sleep."
"And that's it?"
"Should there have been more?"
"No no," he quickly reassures her. "But I want you to notice something. You said you had one maybe two beers. You came home and did all the things that relax you. A bath, sitting in your sons room. All things that are perfectly logical and perfectly healthy."
Olivia listens intently. She had been so busy beating herself up she didn't think about it that way. "But the drinking," she counters. "It was the first thing I thought of to do to relax me and clear my head of everything."
Her body language changes, an internal shudder radiating up her spine thinking about the nightmare yesterday.
"It was but that doesn't make you an alcoholic or mean you have a problem. You have a stressful job Olivia. I know people who have a glass of wine everyday and they don't deal with a quarter of what you do. Instead of focusing on that why not look at what you did right? If you would've come home and drank a bottle or two of wine on top of what you drank at the bar then we would be having a different conversation but you didn't. You came home and did what made you comfortable and calmed your mind which is exactly what we have been working on," he explains with a hint of a smile evident in his eyes. "You're doing good Olivia. Much better than you think you are."
Someday she hopes she will be able to stop being hard on herself. She's just not sure when.
"Remember what I said about chasing perfection?"
Olivia's lip curls up in a half smile and she shakes her head, reaching for her buzzing phone.
"Work?"
"Always." She presses the side button to stop the vibration.
"Our time is almost up anyway but I want to ask you one more thing," he begins and she can tell by his body language it's going to be something she doesn't agree with. He's been treating her long enough to know when she won't be open to one of his suggestions. "Your nightmares. Have you thought about discussing them with Elliot?"
Her eyes go wide, her body frozen. No. She doesn't want to bring him into that darkness.
"No I haven't," she answers simply. When he doesn't respond she continues. "I don't want to talk about what happened to me anymore. I'm tired of repeating the stories to attorneys and IAB and even to you."
"Olivia I didn't say go down memory lane of the specifics of your assault. Although if you get serious with him it's a conversation I recommend down the line." The statement alone makes her want to cry. She doesn't want him to know. Not now not ever. "But what I'm talking about is just the nightmare. He was a part of it. I'm not a dream interpreter but I think that nightmare signifies your past coming into direct conflict with your present. And what appears to be your future. You're afraid of someone hurting your child and the man you love. It's ok for you to tell him that," he explains in the most gentle way possible feeling that he may have come closer to convincing her than he thought. She doesn't bother to deny the comment he made about Elliot being the man she loves. She's never told him that but Elliot's name has come up enough times over the years for him to ascertain where he stands in her mind and her heart. "Just think about it. I think it would go a long way in helping you with the nightmares. Ok?"
Olivia stands up, gathers her phone and purse and shakes his hand. "Ok I will."
Elliot mindlessly flips through the channels on television trying whatever he can to keep himself distracted. If he stops, even for a second there will be a permanent playback of every word of his disagreement with Olivia last night.
Thankfully he managed to get through picking up Eli from Kathy's and taking him to school without either noticing something was wrong. Once he arrived home he did laundry, checked work emails and went for a walk. Anything he could to keep his mind off the discord with Olivia. When they were partners and would argue, he relied on the fact that he had to see her the next day and at some point the long silences and tension would fade away amidst work dialogue. That situation no longer existed. If she was mad enough everything between them could be over and he wouldn't see her again until the party in a couple of days when she would be arm in arm with Ed Tucker.
Elliot jolts upright at the thought and grabs his keys. Last night she thought enough to text him when she made it home so maybe all hope was not lost. Maybe he could show up at the station or invite her to coffee near the precinct if she was busy. Anything. He can't lose her. Not now. Not over something so silly.
In the moment he was furious about her going with Tucker despite agreeing to accompanying Pippa but in the grand scheme of everything they had gone through and what they were so close to being, it didn't matter.
Olivia is infuriating, stubborn and sometimes a coward when it comes to love but he trusts her. More than anyone in his life. Backing away from the door, he drops his keys on the dining room table. He needs to give her the time and space she asked for. He sighs in defeat, sitting back down on the couch where her scent still lingers and reminds him how close they were to making love. It almost seems like forever ago.
The feel of her body beneath him, her soft moans vibrating against his warm skin. It's only been a few days but he misses her so damn much. Especially now that this wall was up between them. He can never go back to not having her in his life. Whatever it takes, he will put his pride aside and work it out.
His cell rings and immediately he grabs it recognizing the ringtone he set especially for her.
"Hey," he answers nervously, pushing away his embarrassment of feeling like a teenage boy whose crush has just called.
"Hey." The lightness in her voice eases the tension in his shoulders. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"
He chuckles softly under his breath. She really has no idea that he has been going crazy dying to talk to her.
"It's never a bad time Liv. Look I'm sorry about last night," he blurts out not wanting to waste any time. "I shouldn't have gotten upset about the Tucker thing but it's just him and," his hand squeezes his forehead trying to slow himself down. "I'm just sorry Liv."
On the other end of the phone, he hears her amusement followed by what he hopes is a relieved sigh. "Well you stole my line. I was going to apologize to you."
"Really?"
His surprise is evident. She seemed so done with the whole conversation the night before an apology was not was he was expecting. Once again she manages to throw him a curveball.
"Yes really. I should've told you about the party and going with Ed."
"Me too." More composed now, he lays back on the couch. His arm drapes across his forehead and he breathes out another sigh of relief. "In everything with me and you I just forgot about her and the party."
"Well since you put it like that, it's definitely not a bad thing. I like being the woman first and foremost on your mind," she purrs.
"Always." His eyes flutter closed and he says a silent prayer, thankful that they've gotten over the hurdle so fast.
"Let me make it up to you," she offers and his eyes open wide. "Not like that," she laughs knowing what he was assuming by his silence.
"Damn," he curses out loud.
"I'm not saying it's completely off the table I'm just saying my offer was to cook you dinner and whatever happens happens," she plays coy.
Whatever happens happens.
Elliot swallows back the lump in his throat, trying to calm himself down. Even the possibility of her beneath him is enough to fire up all his senses. More than anything he just wants to see her. To feel her in his arms and know that everything is okay. That they are okay.
"When?"
"How about tonight at 830? Noah should be just going to sleep then and that will give us some alone time."
"Sounds good to me. So where should I order the takeout from?" He asks and they laugh in unison. Cooking has never been Olivia's strong point and while he appreciates her attempts at a nice gesture he knows better.
"You know me so well. How about some Chinese from our favorite place?"
Elliot remembers the hole in the wall a mile away from the precinct well. They ate there often while on stake outs or when they had a long night and had to eat dinner at the station. "Your usual?"
"Yep. So see you at 830?" She confirms.
"I wouldn't miss it."
It was just takeout and hanging out. Nothing romantic or fancy. Even so, Olivia changed about three times before deciding on a soft pink V-neck t-shirt and black leggings. Comfortable and feminine she told herself. Pink wasn't a color she wore often but it seemed fitting for tonight.
Her hair is parted down the middle and perfectly straight. The curls she had earlier in the day had fallen thanks to Noah's antics in the tub splashing water all over her. For a moment she considered curling it again and putting on some makeup but she wanted everything to be as natural as possible. Opting instead to keep it simple with a little lip gloss.
Noah had a great time at daycare earlier in the day and was tired out so he was asleep by the time she began to put on his Elmo pajamas. It's a little after 8pm when she shuts his door and tiptoes into the living room. Quietly she gathers the rest of his toys and begins to put them in the toy box smiling to herself. They were making progress. He managed to put his blocks and a few toy cars into the toy box. But his fire truck and a few stuffed animals including a giraffe from his Uncle Munch didn't make the cut.
Checking her watch for the tenth time in an hour she's a little frustrated to see that only a few minutes have passed. 8:11. 19 more minutes until he shows up.
The apartment is cleaner than its been in awhile which takes away from the natural vibe she was going for. Her bare feet are cold against the wood floor of her hallway as she walks into the kitchen removing two plates from the cupboard, forks and two wine glasses.
Olivia picks up her phone looking for a text message or any sign of communication from him. Nothing. She sighs, her head dropping into her hands on top of the kitchen counter.
"Get a grip Olivia," she mumbles to herself and walks over to the window. It's a quiet normal night just like most others. Something she was grateful for when her and Cassidy first scoped the neighborhood looking for apartments. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
At first she let him take the lead when they were looking for a place because she didn't want to focus on anything but not having a nervous breakdown at any given moment. But then the reality of how easily Lewis got into her apartment crawled its way into her psyche and she became almost obsessive about every place they looked. Brian was annoyed but decided to keep quiet. This apartment was out of their price range but she was willing to pay more for her safety and peace of mind. But it hadnt quite happened that way. The nightmare the other night proving that fact.
Olivia looks towards the door and for a split second she can almost see the image of a battered and wounded Elliot slumped against it. His mouth duct taped, his eyes wide in fear. A shudder slides down her spine but she shakes her head, hoping the images go away with the movement. Not tonight. He won't take this away from her.
She looks back out the window and down at the street at the people walking along the sidewalks. It takes a minute for her to spot the jeep she knows all too well.
He's here.
The headlights were off. He could've been sitting there for hours and she wouldn't have noticed. A small smile spreads across her face, the thoughts of him suffering at the hands of Lewis replaced with what she assumes is an equally nervous Elliot waiting in the car for the clock to strike 8:30. Olivia retrieves her cell from the small wooden end table and texts him to put him out of his misery.
I'm waiting. Come on up.
Three minutes later, he's knocking on her front door quietly to not wake up Noah. Olivia takes a deep breath and rubs her fingers through her hair one more time to smooth it out before opening the door. The unmistakable scent of beef with broccoli and sweet and sour chicken fills her nostrils and she quickly waves him in. His eyes travel the length of her body with a sly grin.
"I'm right on time," he points out, holding up the bags with food.
"Yes you are. Come on in," she waves him inside.
Elliot looks around taking in the cleanliness of the place but wisely doesn't comment and walks straight into the kitchen. They unload the bags in silence and Olivia tries to ignore the sexual tension between them already. He's been in her presence less than a minute but the air is crackling all around them. Thick with the promise of something they both want.
Elliot is dressed in a dark blue shirt and jeans that fit his ass perectly. The shirt wasn't meant to fit so snug to his body but the thick expanse of his arms and chest make it impossible not to. A peek of his tattoo is visible beneath his sleeve. God, what she wouldn't give to run her lips along the-
"Liv?" Elliot asks grinning at her obvious perusal of his body. "Can you pour the wine while I bring the plates to the living room?"
Olivia blushes, looking away from him while her fingers slide nervously along the kitchen counter.
"Or we could just stand here and you could continue to ogle me like a piece of meat?" He jokes trying to break the tension but it doesn't help. She wants him. Her answering smile is a shy one, her breasts feel heavy from the weight of her desire. Elliot looks down at the dip in her cleavage, a low moan breaking from his throat.
Move. She needs to move to the other end of the counter to grab the wine bottle and pour it. Except getting there would mean moving around him. Elliot steps closer, his side now brushing against her front. Her hardened nipples smashed along his arm. Apparently exactly where he wants it.
It takes some effort but she finally finds the courage to lift her head to meet his and his lips crash against hers before she has a second to process everything.
"I missed you so much," he breathes against her mouth, his lips insistent. Urgent.
Olivia pours her response into the kiss.
I missed you too. So much.
Elliot has her body nestled into the corner of the kitchen between her counter and the wall. Trapped. Willingly. Olivia holds him close against her, his left hand cupping her cheek while her hands play with the edges of his shirt. His tongue dips into the depths of her mouth and she feels the fire crawling through her veins. Everything about him is intoxicating. Too much and not enough.
This wasn't what she had planned for tonight. Well not really. If he made any sudden movement, if his lower half touched her in any way then Chinese food be damned. She can devour him instead.
Elliot backs up from her, the need for air immediate. His forehead rests against hers, her hands caressing the length of his back. It scares her how much his proximity makes everything better. How much she feels like she needs this. And him.
"Maybe we need to eat dinner," she rasps, her voice thick with desire. There needs to be some distance between them or she won't say what she plans to say. They will just end up in her bedroom with her coming apart beneath him. Coming.
"Yeah," she steps out of his hold, shaking her head to fight against her sexual thoughts. "Let's eat."
Elliot smiles knowingly, pressing a quick kiss on her forehead. "Ok."
During dinner they talk about the kids and she briefs him on the case. He reaches over and steals some of her beef and rice. Instead of calling him out on it she's just thankful he knew without having to ask that she liked white rice. When her chopsticks reach over to take some of his chicken, he scoots over just a little closing the last bit of space between them.
"So does Barba think it's going to be a slam dunk case?"
"I certainly hope so. I'm sure they will try to discredit Munoz's testimony but Barba's pretty good. I'm not worried." Olivia eats the last of his chicken, pushes the plate to the side and leans back on the couch. Without missing a beat, Elliot lifts his right arm and she cuddles into the curve of his side. Her hand splays across his chest and he kisses her forehead.
The silence is comforting. Deep down she's grateful that he knows her well enough to know when she needs this and doesn't feel the need to talk to fill the moment. Giving her the time and space to say what she needs to say is the best gift of all. And she decides to give him one as well.
"While I was interrogating him there was something about him that reminded me of Lewis."
Elliot freezes for an instant, then crosses his leg and leans more into her as she continues.
"He just didn't give a damn about what he did to Pilar. She was brutalized and it's like he was proud of it. We've seen hundreds of these guys over the years but something about him just-it hit me to the core so I went to the cribs to go sleep," her voice cracks as she prepares to go on. Elliot strokes her hand that's on his chest and it's just the motivation she needs. He's right there. Not hurt. Not running. Listening.
"I had a nightmare about Lewis. He and Utley he had me you and Noah hostage," her voice catches and she swallows trying to continue. "Utley had Noah and Lewis had a gun to your head. He pulled the trigger and I woke up."
Pulling her into him, he drops a kiss into her hair. "Shh. I'm here. Nothing is going to happen to me."
Olivia nods her head against his shoulder, no words escaping her mouth. Tears threaten to fall but she manages to hold them at bay. Elliot places his hand under her chin, lifting her head so their eyes can meet. "Nothing is going to happen to you or to Noah ever again. I can promise you that. Ok?" She's never been big on promises but this one she believes. The sharp steel determination in his eyes solidifies her belief. She feels safe again.
"Ok."
"Thank you for telling me. I knew something was wrong but I didn't want to pry. I know it wasn't easy."
"There's something else too," she pauses awaiting some type of response from him but nothing. His soothing caress along her arm never waivering.
"Last night when I got off the phone it's because I was walking into a bar. I only had like a beer and a half. Nothing strong but I just needed to get away and I was stressed."
His lips connect with her forehead again. "That's ok Liv. We all need to get away sometimes. With what you deal with on a daily basis trust me I get it."
Olivia scoffs and presses more into the safe confines of his body. "Now you sound like Dr. Lindstrom."
"You talked to him about it already?"
"Yeah he said it was understandable and because I didn't go overboard with the drinking it wasn't a big cause for concern."
Elliot nods his head in agreement.
"He also said it would be a good idea for me to tell you about the nightmare and about….. everything," she admits, her voice dropping lower. "One day."
"Whenever you're ready," he consoles her.
A part of her wanted him to say that he didn't want to hear about it. That it was all in the past and it was best for them to just move forward. But deep down she knew better. There are some changes in him. He is calmer, more loving, and more willing to talk. To listen. But at the core he's still the Elliot she knows and loves. Of course, he wants to know.
"No rush," he whispers against her forehead.
Olivia doesn't answer just hugs herself around him as tight as she can. He's here. He's not going anywhere ever again. And in the midst of that realization she falls asleep.
He could watch her sleep forever. It's only been an hour since her breaths evened out and it was evident she had fallen asleep. And only twenty minutes since he pulled the lavender blanket on the arm of the couch over her to keep her warm.
Elliot thought about waking her so she could get comfortable or carrying her to the bedroom so she could get a good night's rest but he wanted to be selfish for just awhile longer. Both of those scenarios would mean she would wake up and probably end the rest of their night and he wasn't ready to leave. Not yet.
He would be lying if he said he didn't want to carry her to that bedroom, she wake up and ask him to stay with her. But he knew that wouldn't happen. And that was okay because she was worth waiting for.
Elliot is about to doze off when he hears faint cries come from the back of the apartment. Instantly he looks over to the iPad with Noah's image displayed sitting on the far edge of the coffee table. The little boy is sitting up in his bed wiping his eyes. HIs first instinct is to go to him but then he remembers that she hasn't introduced them yet. He doesn't want to overstep.
"Liv," he whispers, shaking her gently.
"Yeah." She rubs her eyes just like Noah and it brings a smile to his face.
"Looks like Noah is awake."
Olivia jolts up just as his cries get a little louder. "Shit. I'll be right back."
Shifting his weight forward, his elbows resting on his knees he takes the iPad off the table. A sense of pride swells in his chest as he watches Olivia comfort Noah, holding him close to her and kissing his forehead. The little boy quiets right away in his mother's arms. She's just the kind of mother he always dreamed she would be. And she's working through everything on her own just the way she wanted. He hasn't gone through half the trauma she has but he knows that she's way more stronger than he could ever be. Stronger than she thinks she is.
Elliot sets the tablet down and starts to collect the food off the table, gathering it together to throw away in the kitchen. Walking past Noah's bedroom door that is closed, he opens the drawer containing her trash can and disposes of everything. He puts the dishes into the sink along with the wine glasses, hers still clean from not being used.
A small smile crosses his face as he turns on the water and begins to wash off the plates. It's all so simple. Domestic. And he wants this for their future. Quiet nights at home after a long day, finding comfort in each other's arms. Talking about their day.
Sure, she's not ready for it all now and that's okay with him. Because a piece of Olivia Benson is better than no Olivia Benson at all.
"Hey," he hears her soft voice behind him.
Elliot turns around and is stunned at the vision before him.
The little boy from the pictures, the iPad screen and from his thoughts is right there in front of him. Dressed in his pajamas, more wide awake than he should be and perched on his mom's hip.
"Hey," he responds nervously.
Olivia looks back and forth between him and Noah, looking every bit the proud mom. "Elliot this is Noah. Noah this is mommy's friend Elliot. Can you say hey?"
The tot regards him for a moment before raising his little hand. "Hey," he smiles shyly, his head falling against Olivia's.
It's a picture Elliot knows will be etched in his memory forever.
"Someone is wide awake now because he realized we have company," she remarks maneuvering around him to the cupboard to retrieve one of Noah's cups.
Noah's eyes stay on him, a little smirk on his face while Olivia moves around the kitchen putting milk into the cup.
"Well sounds like a good plan to me," Elliot jokes.
"Yeah right," Olivia scoffs. "It's after 11. He's going back to bed." Handing Noah the cup of milk, he takes it quickly and begins to drink from it.
"I'll just be a few minutes I'm going to read to him a little bit and then lay him back down."
"It's no problem." His hands are in his pocket and he's more nervous than he should be. If she notices she doesn't say anything and he's grateful for that.
"Say goodnight Noah."
"Good-ni Noah," the little boy laughs at his own joke with Elliot and Olivia joining in.
"Oh you are a funny guy tonight," she tickles him.
Elliot moves closer to them and thankfully Noah doesn't seem at all skittish around him. "I know you have to go to bed but next time we can play with blocks."
"Yes!" Noah responds raising his fist in excitement.
"Ok ok enough of that," she playfully chides them both. "Next time not tonight. Tonight you are going to bed. Come on," she walks towards the room smiling over her shoulder at Elliot until she disappears inside.
Elliot exhales and scrubs his hand down his face. The happiness he feels is breathtaking. Sobering.
Walking back towards the living room he can hear her reading Noah a story. Her voice is clear and concise. She didn't close the door this time. It's a step, a peek into the remaining parts of her life that he was once closed off to. A simple gesture that is both literal and metaphorical to where they are right now.
Olivia left the door open. And when she's ready, he plans to walk in.