Chapter 9
The pain was still there. The weakness seemed never ending. And still, Regina ignored it all and focused solely on one thing: rising to her feet. Her arms failed her, her legs trembled, but after long efforts, she finally felt her feet firmly planted on the ground. Spine still crooked and balance far from perfect, she next concentrated on the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other.
She was walking.
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Emma opened her mouth and then closed it. She breathed in deeply and exhaled sharply. Surely her son hadn't said what she had just heard.
A dragon's scale.
A drop of blood from a family member.
A wish heartfelt.
A burst of true love magic.
A looking glass.
Henry wanted them to make a potion that would allow them to glimpse Regina into the other realm. The land of the damned. And maybe, just maybe, talk to her and bring her back. There was no hesitation on his part in using magic, trusting Gold or facing danger. His sole focus was Regina. His mom.
"Henry…", she breathed out. "I…"
"Please, Emma, please!"
Snow and David chose that moment to enter the apartment, confused by Henry's open tears and Emma flabbergasted expression.
"Is everything okay here?"
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She walked for miles. She walked for days. She walked nowhere and everywhere at once.
Regina knew this land wasn't like the others and that a real destination wasn't to be found even if one could learn the way. The land worked on thoughts, on emotions and decisions. She had decided to surpass the pain and walk. She had willed herself strong enough not to give up. And finally, when she felt strong enough to speak, Regina spoke into the dark void of her surroundings.
"I'm ready to leave."
As if by magic - and who knew truly what controlled such a despair filled place - a light appeared in the horizon and Regina felt the first trace of a smile since she couldn't remember when. Keeping her son's face in her mind's eyes, she continued her walking, a destination finally in sight.
"Henry, I'm coming home."
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Maybe Snow White was still too naive, even as a mother and grandmother, to believe all had been lost. She had been accused of being self-centered and not really seeing Regina and it was with sadness and contrition that she admitted to that possibility. However, naivety or not, childish or not, Snow would not, ever, give up on her, the woman who had been her mother, her protector and later her torment.
Was it wrong to still have hope?
No one would ever convince her that this was so. Hope, after all, had carried her through all the hardships and all the pain. It had brought back her beloved daughter, had granted her a son and reunited her with her one true love. Hope just couldn't be wrong.
And if she embraced hope so completely in herself, how could she fault her grandson for having inherited that same trait from her? She couldn't. She wouldn't.
"What do we need to do, Henry?"
Snow ignored her daughter's angry glare and her husband's uncertain squeeze of her shoulder. All she could see was Henry and how the almost devious smile on his face reminded her so much of Regina.
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Henry beamed at his grandmother, obviously pleased by her open support. He felt happy to know that all the faith he had placed in her had not been for nothing. She was Snow White and a Queen and she would help him find his mom.
"We need certain ingredients for a potion. A dragon's scale. A drop of blood from a family member. A wish heartfelt. And a burst of true love magic", he stopped to read the list in his hand, so not to forget a thing, even if he had already had all the words memorized before even entering the apartment. "It's not to open a portal, but to send a message through to mom. Mr. Gold said that it would be easier for her to leave than for us to get there. So I thought of the mirrors mom used and how they could be used as communication devices of some sort and…"
He was talking so fast and with such enthusiasm that he had run himself quite quickly out of breath. So he took a deep breath, filling his lungs with air and taking that time to gaze into his grandmother's eyes.
"Do you think this will work?" He found himself nodding even before Snow had finished asking her question.
"Yes. Don't you see… We can't go to the Land of Damnation. This… this is the other way."
It wasn't exactly that Henry expected to be understood. His family had no way of knowing what he was referencing, after all. His mother's words had been meant for him and him alone, years before Emma had even been a possibility. And yet, looking at his grams wide smile, he thought that maybe she had understood him after all.
"We don't give up because it is hard… We find another way…", she echoed the words. She knew!
Emma and David were looking confused. Before Henry had the time of the presence of mind to explain, Snow had already turned her attention to her husband and daughter.
"It was something Regina taught me…", she faced him and they shared a smile. "Taught us. That it is okay to be scared. That one must be brave. And that something's are hard to get, but that doesn't mean we give up. We just look for another way there."
Emma kept her frown, as if it all was a deep puzzle she could not hope to understand. David, on the other hand, nodded and smiled, agreeing with the words and supporting his wife. Henry hadn't expected anything less from Prince Charming.
"So… A dragon's scale. We need to go to the library and retrieve one from the dragon you killed, Emma."
Emma, though, crossed her arms and seemed very unwilling to move. Henry guessed she was still angry with him for going behind her back. "And how exactly do you suppose we can find a drop from one of Regina's family members when they are all gone?"
He knew that would be the hardest part. He was not giving up, though. If he believed, well… anything was possible.
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That night, mind filled with hope and plans and worried, Snow White fell into a restless sleep. She tossed and turned, awaking her husband in the process. Charming tried to rouse her, thinking it better than allowing her nightmares to cause her further unrest, but no matter how much he tried, Snow failed to open her eyes or to wake up.
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There is a room, filled with white lace and golden hues she can immediately recognize. There is a scent she has known what seems like forever and would be able to recognize without effort or thought. There is a face staring back at her from across the mirror that she knows and yet it is not hers.
She wants to speak, to call out to Regina, but she cannot. This is not her body, this is not her reflection and this is not her memory.
A door opens behind her and she knows that fear and hatred are bumbling within the chest that is not her own, though she sees no indication of it in the face staring calmly back at her. Regina doesn't turn around to see who has entered, so Snow cannot see. And yet, she knows.
It is her father.
When Regina turns to face her visitor at last, Snow cannot help but gasp. It is done mentally, she is sure, for Regina uttered no sound. Her father, her beloved father, who she had always thought kind and good was standing by the closed door of his wife's room with a murderous look on his face. It twisted his features so as to leave them almost unrecognizable.
Regina says nothing, though. Thinks nothing, but the fear she holds hidden within her. And worst of all, her stepmother is not at all surprised by the look on her husband's face.
"That is high treason, my wife."
"Then kill me, already", Snow felt herself say. It felt strange to know you had spoken, to feel the words leaving your throat and still know they were not your own.
"No. Snow wouldn't like that." He stepped closer and the woman she inhabited shuddered in disgust. "The child must go. And if you won't do it, I will."
The fear turns to anger and the hatred rises up like a wave within her. And yet… Regina does nothing, shows no emotions and speaks not a word. Snow can not imagine how she is able to stay so cool and collected in the face of such a threat, for just the thought of someone threatening Emma could make her blood boil.
Her father left, the soft thud of the door making an impossibly loud voice. A second after the footsteps echoed into silence, another voice startled her from over her shoulder. It is unmistakingly Rumplelstiltskin.
"Now, now, dearie", he walks slowly into view and he is just as Snow remembered him to be from their time in the Enchanted Forest. "... something must be done."
Regina is looking at him and at the same time has her gaze lost somewhere in the distance. She gives him no attention and it is clear to Snow that his presence is not at all unexpected.
"And what help can you provide?" Regina's words are flat and empty and make her stepdaughter's heart ache.
"Magic, of course. I will teach you magic and you can get rid of the King and protect your child." His voice is funny and a little mad and she feels Regina shudder.
"No magic…" Finally she turns to face her new visitor. "I have seen what magic does to people and if I cannot protect my child without it, maybe my child is better off without me and my magic."
It is strange to hear Regina so against magic when she uses it so cavalierly now.
"Are you sure, dearie, that you would rather let that man kill your child than simply learning a few magic tricks." Rumplelstiltskin comes closer, his eyes having an eerie glow to them. Snow can't help but think that he wants Regina to learn magic at all costs.
"I'm sure." Regina rose gracefully to her feet. "Leave."
"I'll leave for now, dearie, but you'll come to me eventually. It is only a matter of time…" And with that is is gone in a cloud of purple smoke.
That is the last straw, for Snow feels herself crumble to the ground, limbs trembling. "No, no, no, no, no…", Regina chants, hand pressed to her abdomen.
Snow feels the utter desperation of her stepmother's chant.
Regina cried, then. Loudly and desperately. And Snow cried with her. There was so much sadness and despair here, she wondered how the other woman could bare to breathe.
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It was with a desperate cry that Snow White sat up in bed. She saw the familiar room she shared with Charming and felt his comforting arms around her and yet, she couldn't completely leave that room, that memory. Her heart was breaking and her chest hurt too much to breathe.
"Snow… Snow, it's okay."
As much as she wanted those words to mean something and as much as she desperately craved the peace of ignorance, Snow couldn't do it anymore. Not the dream, nor the sure knowledge that it hadn't been a dream at all. Those were Regina's memories and Regina's desperation she had felt. She couldn't seem to stop herself from crying.
Charming rocked her body and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. Henry and Emma appeared from behind the curtain, worried looks on their faces. And still she cried. Snow had felt herself so justified, so good, looking down at her stepmother with condescension and justified anger for all the evil deeds of the Evil Queen. Now though, she felt empty and angry at herself. She had caused it all, because she had been selfish and thought only of what she had wanted… a mother.
How many lives ruined!
How many tears shed.
"Snow, you're worrying me, sweetheart. Please, tell me what's wrong…"
It took some minutes. Between hiccups and sobs and half formed sentences, though, she managed to tell them of her dream. For no moment did she pause to consider Henry's young ears or Emma's judgment. There was just a heavy burden in her chest and she needed to get it out. Snow didn't have Regina's strength or Charming perseverance. She might have fancied herself strong, but she wasn't.
Not really.
And certainly not in that moment.
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Emma took exactly two minutes to comprehend her mother's words and the meaning she wished to convey. And when she finally connected the dots, the blonde turned to face her son, who still looked confused and worried. Of course, he wouldn't have understood. She pressed a hand to his shoulder and tried to steer him away from Mary Margaret fragmented story, but Henry pulled away from her grasp and took a step forward, closer to his sobbing grandmother.
He might not understand it all yet, the words making little sense. Emma knew, though, that he was too smart a boy not to understand a very important fact. It was all about his mother, Regina, and it wasn't good. At all.
The sheriff saw the exact moment the truth dawned on him and her heart broke at the look on his face. Henry had always defended a very black and white view of the world, but he couldn't escape the inevitable questions of good and evil and all the shades of grey in between.
"Henry…"
"No…", he dodged her hand, eyes watering. "She lost the man she loved and her baby and was living with that man and was so sad and lonely and Mr. Gold wanted her to learn dark magic and…" He brushed the tears away angrily. "I didn't know! I didn't know!"
Emma could understand him completely. He had said some pretty mean words to his mom, had treated her poorly and had pulled away. And though she, herself, had helped him most of the way, the kid blamed himself for it all.
"It's okay, kid. We didn't know…" She placed comforting arms around her son, just as David was embracing his wife, but the boy pulled away, eyes dark with anger.
"No, it's not okay! We shouldn't… I shouldn't… No one should treat another person like I treated her… Not even if they've done evil things. It's not…", he breathed in deeply, looking lost and breaking Emma's heart. "It's not right."
She felt ashamed, at that moment, for her uncharitable thoughts and the way she had justified taking Henry away from his mother, simply because she had done bad things and been known as the Evil Queen. Emma had been so quick to judge Regina an unfit mother, simply because she, herself, had regretted giving her son away. Sure, Regina was no saint and had screwed up plenty of times…
Still.
It all seemed so twisted and wrong and not at all like the fairy tales they should have been. Snow White, Prince Charming, Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Rumpelstiltskin, the Mad Hatter… Maybe she, too, had been guilty of only seeing things in black and white.