So, even though I was aware Shinichi's birthday is in May, it was only today that I discovered it's May the 4th. What you are about to read is the result of that epiphany. I was gonna wait until Shin-chan's official birthday to post this, but what the heck. Here's a (very) early birthday gift for you to enjoy on behalf of our favourite shrunken detective. ;)

(Note: Major spoilers in here for Star Wars movies IV, V, VI, and VII)

In Which Kudo Meets Skywalker (Kind Of)

Shinichi was not sure why Ran was wearing a metal bikini. It wasn't that he minded per se, for the outfit left very little to the imagination and got all the blood descending to his nether regions. Still, he was confused. Especially since she kept calling him Kudowalker-san.

"Kudowalker-san, we must hurry!" Ran exclaimed, grabbing his wrist.

Shinichi stumbled and got dragged along by his friend. "Ah, Ran, I'm not sure what's going on here, but—"

"Hohoho." Professor Agasa suddenly appeared beside him. Floating. "Help you, perhaps I can with that."

Shinichi froze. A floating professor wasn't exactly the strangest thing he had witnessed. No, what was confusing was that Agasa's skin had been painted green and he was wearing a bathrobe. He also had long, pointy ears.

"Er, Professor?" Shinichi said cautiously. "Is there some kind of costume party going on that I don't know about?"

Agasa chuckled. "Young padawan, much confused you seem. Come to give you wisdom, I have."

Shinichi's expression went flat. "Very funny."

Like he really needed wisdom from the man who spoke in puns. Also, why the heck had the professor started speaking in Ye Old grammar? None of this made sense, and that made Shinichi frustrated. He was used to his world being logical and predictable. Right now, it felt like he'd fallen down Alice's rabbit hole.

And Ran was really distracting in that bikini.

"Look," Shinichi began, "I just—"

"Kudowalker-san!"

Kid swept in on a weird two-man hand glider. Except Kid was wearing some kind of black trousers and vest combo instead of his usual magician attire, and he wasn't even trying to hide his face. A hairy thing accompanied Kid. There was a toy crossbow slung over the hairy thing's shoulder.

"Kid!" Shinichi exclaimed. "Please, tell me you're normal!"

Kid raised his eyebrow. "It's Kid Solo. And of course I'm normal."

"Kid Solo?" Shinichi repeated. He frowned at the tall, hairy thing, only to realise it was an old man wearing an animal suit. "Uh …"

"This is Ji wookie-chan," Kid said carelessly. "Don't you remember?"

No, Shinichi did not remember. Because everything these people said was nonsense, and it was obvious to him that the whole world had gone mad. The truth of this statement hit home when Kid called Ran "princess" and asked her if she was ready for their date. Apparently, they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Oh, and (spoiler alert) Ran was actually Shinichi's sister.

"W-what?" Shinichi spluttered. "Ran is not my sister!"

Cause that just made the whole ogling Ran in a metal bikini thing hella awkward. Not to mention incestuous.

"Sorry, Kudowalker-san," Kid said with false-sympathy. "I'm afraid you don't get the girl in this universe. You do get to enjoy some quality bonding time with old Bathrobe-chan over there, though." He jerked his thumb in the direction of the professor.

Professor Agasa waved (still floating) and asked if Shinichi wanted to do some training. He had a great routine set up that involved piggy-back rides. A muscle twitched in Shinichi's jaw. It took all he had not to scream in frustration. Ran must have sensed his distress, because she placed her hand on his shoulder and gave a reassuring squeeze.

"Don't worry, Kudowalker-san," she said with a smile. "I'll always love you like a brother."

Shinichi collapsed to his knees. "Noooooooooooooo!" he exclaimed, raising his clenched fists to the air.

This was too much. It was just evil, horrible—worse than what the Black Organisation could have done to him. Shinichi refused to accept it.

He was still bemoaning his fate when a bullet whizzed past him, almost nicking him in the cheek. Shinichi swore and threw himself to the ground. "What the hell?"

"Oh no!" Ran exclaimed. "It's Bobba-Gin, and he's got his jetpack!"

Shinichi blinked. "Jetpack? I'm pretty sure that's just Vodka wearing a cardboard cut-out." The furrow on his brow deepened. "Also, Bobba-Gin?"

"Bounty hunter!" Kid Sol—gah, Kid—explained. "And on that note, we'd better run."

Shinichi sighed and got to his feet. He wasn't sure he found this new version of Gin and Vodka particularly intimidating (Gin looked like a Power Ranger gone rusty, and Vodka was … well, wearing a cardboard cut-out that looked like a jetpack, riding piggy-back style on Gin's back, and making whooshing noises as if to imitate the sound of thrusters). Then again, the gun was real enough so …

Yeah, time to run.

They dashed through some kind of city floating in the air, chased all the while by the bounty hunter. Shinichi wasn't too worried—until they turned a corner and found themselves surrounded by armoured soldiers and some guy dressed in black with respiratory problems. It seemed that Bobba-Gin and his "jetpack" had been herding Shinichi and the others to this area of the city.

"It's a trap!"

Shinichi let out a yelp. Mitsuhiko had just appeared out of nowhere to state the obvious. And looked like a fish.

"What the hell is going on?" Shinichi wailed, clutching at his hair.

He was going mad. He was absolutely going mad.

"Kudowalker-san," the guy in black said, stepping forward (and making lots of a "koookuuu" sounds). "There's something I must tell you. But I must warn you, this is a big spoiler."

Shinichi dragged his hands down his face, unable even to dredge the energy to get exasperated. "What?" he said shortly.

Respiratory Problems looked him in the eye (well, as much as he could wearing a bucket on his head). "I am your father."

Shinichi just stared at the man. "Yeah, okay."

Respiratory Problems did a double-take. "That's it? I, Darth Yusako, tell you I'm your father, and all you can say is 'yeah, okay'?" He tsked and shook his head. "Teenagers."

Shinichi folded his arms across his chest. "Whatever. Either you're all crazy or I've gone crazy. There's no point trying to make sense of this anymore."

"A good point, you do make," Professor Agasa said, rubbing his green chin. "Now that I think about it, not quite right this all seems. Perhaps the time warp that has had an alternate 'you' trying to solve crimes as a first grader for the last twenty years has also had an effect here. Fix that, I had better."

He whipped out a giant remote control with the words "MODERNIFY" on it. The red button was pushed, and then everything started transforming. Ran got old, all of the villains disappeared, Kid got a makeover (he was now wearing a brown leather jacket). Oh, and Shinichi got boobs.

"The hell?" Shinichi exclaimed with a hysterical edge to his voice. "Why am I a girl?"

Agasa smiled, also suddenly female. Only now he—she—had yellow skin and was wearing goggles. "Kudorey-chan, it is time for you to become a Jedi."

"Huh?"

"You must learn to use the force."

"The what?" Shinichi groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. "You know what, never mind. I don't even want to know."

"Yo."

He lowered his hands to see Hattori smile and wave at him. "Oh, thank the gods," Shinichi muttered, moving towards his friend. "Hattori, you have to get me out of this place. I've been turned into a female, and—"

"Er, the name is Finntori," Hattori cut in. "Oh, and I think I might be your love interest."

Shinichi paled. "M-my what?"

Kid thrust himself between them, placing his hand on Hattori's chest and pushing the boy behind him so he was out of Shinichi's sight. "Hold up," Kid said, poking Shinichi in the ribs, "the Land of Fangirls say that Finntori is my love interest. I will not let you get in the way of our budding bromance, Kudorey."

Shinichi blinked. Then he blinked some more. "Yeah," he finally managed to say. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"If we're talking of love interests," a bored, far-too familiar voice observed from behind Shinichi, "I'm pretty much the fanon favourite."

Shinichi turned and found himself facing a male, rather emo-looking version of Haibara Ai.

"Kylo Sherry!" Kid and Finntori exclaimed in unified horror.

Haibara, or Kylo Sherry, smiled and examined her—his—fingernails. "By the way, Princess Ran is my mum."

Shinichi once again fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed.

And promptly woke up.

The sound of Mouri Kogoro snoring was like a chainsaw in Shinichi's ears. He let out a relieved sigh. He was the size of a first grader, he lived with his best friend and her dad, he still had no means of returning to his teenage body, BUT—and this was the most important thing—he did not have boobs. Hattori was not his love interest. Ran was not his sister (or Haibara's mother, for that matter), and his dad (as far as he knew) had not developed respiratory problems or a penchant for wearing buckets on his head.

In short, all was normal.

Shinichi's phone buzzed. He glanced at the screen and saw it was a message from Ran.

"Happy birthday, Shinichi," the message read. "May the fourth be with you."

Well, Shinichi amended. Everything was almost normal.