Disclaimer: The universe and many of the characters in this story are the creation and property of Bioware and EA games.
It was really her. Standing in front of Commander Mark Shepard was the woman he had wanted to find ever since he had been brought back from the dead: Operations Chief Ashley Williams. Trying to find Ashley had proven to be easier said than done. Every time he made inquires about where she was, the only answers he could get were either that the person didn't know or couldn't say because her location was classified. Now he had finally found her on the planet Horizon.
The reason Shepard was on Horizon in the first place was because it was the latest human colony to be targeted by an enigmatic race known as the Collectors. Sometime while Shepard was dead, the Collectors started abducting entire human colonies for unknown reasons. The abductions prompted the Illusive Man, the head of a pro-human survivalist group called Cerberus, to recover Shepard's body, bring him back to life and task him with investigating the abductions and find a way to stop them. He even mentioned that he had suspicions that the Collectors were working with the Reapers, an advanced race of living dreadnoughts that would have launched an assault to wipe out all organics if Shepard hadn't prevented their entrance to the galaxy through the secret Citadel mass relay. Shepard initially wanted to tell the Illusive Man off and walk away because he remembered the sick and twisted experiments he discovered Cerberus conducting while he was hunting a rogue turian Spectre named Saren Arterius. But, in the end, Shepard's paragon nature wouldn't let him ignore what was happening to the colonists and the fact that the Reapers were involved in the abductions. With official law enforcement bogged down in red tape, Cerberus was the only organization that had the means and capability to do anything about the abductions. So as much as it pained him to do it, Shepard agreed to work with Cerberus and lead a team on a mission to stop whatever the Collectors and Reapers were planning. The trail ultimately brought him to Horizon…and Ashley.
The first emotion Shepard felt when he saw Ashley was relief. The Collectors had managed to abduct more than half the colony before Shepard and his squad were able to interrupt their operation. Seeing Ashley in front of him confirmed Shepard's hope that Ashley hadn't been abducted. Then when Ashley hugged him, Shepard was filled with happiness. He thought about the relationship the two of them had during their hunt for Saren and the night they spent together towards the end of that mission. All those memories had made him wish to be in Ashley's arms again and now he was.
Standing behind him watching the event were two of his squadmates, Garrus Vakarian and Miranda Lawson. Garrus was a turian former Citadel Security (C-SEC) officer and close friend of Shepard who was also on the squad with him and Ashley during the hunt for Saren. Like Shepard, he was happy to see Ashley again. Seeing Shepard and Ashley hug also made him happy. He was one of the few people who had a hunch about Shepard and Ashley's relationship but he kept his mouth shut because he knew that it was technically a violation of Alliance fraternization regulations and he didn't want to get his friends in trouble. The way he saw it, Shepard and Ashley still did their jobs well despite their relationship, maybe better. There seemed to be no harm in letting the relationship go on.
Miranda Lawson was a Cerberus operative and Shepard's executive officer. She was also the one who ran the Lazarus Project that brought Shepard back to life. While Miranda had proven herself to be good at her job, her strong loyalty to Cerberus had made her initial interactions with Shepard somewhat tense. Part of her job during the Lazarus Project was learning everything there was to know about Shepard but she didn't seem to be giving any indication as to whether or not she knew of Shepard and Ashley's relationship.
"I thought you were dead Shepard," said Ashley, "we all did."
The happiness Shepard was feeling quickly vanished. Something wasn't right. He thought he had heard a hint of bitterness in Ashley's voice. It wasn't the kind of reaction he expected to get from her when they reunited.
"You don't sound too happy to see me," he said when their hug broke, "something bothering you, Ash?"
"Yeah, something's bothering me. I spent the past two years believing you were dead."
It quickly dawned on Shepard what was wrong and he silently cursed to himself. He was so happy to see Ashley that he forgot that while it seemed liked only a few weeks to him since he last saw her, it was two years for her. Two years she was mourning his death and now he was standing right in front of her alive and well. He couldn't believe how stupid he was for not taking that into consideration when he thought about what he would say when he saw her again.
Ashley continued, "we had something, Shepard. Something real. I…I loved you. I thought you were dead. I almost…How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"
The first thing Shepard felt was surprised. Ashley just said that she loved him. During the entire time before his death that he was with Ashley, they had never admitted their love for each other. That was not to say that they didn't love each other, they just never reached the point where they could actually say it out loud. Hearing Ashley say it now was unexpected. It also told Shepard how bad his death had affected Ashley.
The other thing Shepard felt was concerned. From Ashley's tone and the rapid-fire questions she was asking him, he was sensing a hint of betrayal. He couldn't blame her for that though. If Shepard had not been brought back to life himself, he would have also believed that it was impossible for a dead person to be resurrected. The only logical explanation left for Shepard's unexpected reappearance was that he had faked his death and deliberately chose not to contact her and let her know that he was okay. Shepard faking his death was the story that the rest of the galaxy believed happened and it had already caused him a few problems. He couldn't let that happen with Ashley too so he had to try his best to get her to understand the truth.
"Not my choice," he said, "I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me."
Ashley stepped back away from Shepard and looked at him with a shocked expression. She then looked back towards Garrus with a similar expression. It was almost as if Shepard had hit her with a bombshell. Since Shepard wasn't sure what he had said that would make her react that way, all he could do was wait for her to explain it herself.
"You're with Cerberus now? Garrus too? I can't believe the reports were right."
"Reports?" Garrus said surprised. "You mean you already knew?"
"Alliance intel said Cerberus could be behind our missing colonies," Ashley continued, "we got a tip that this one could be the next one to get hit. I went to Anderson, but he wouldn't talk. But there were rumors that you weren't dead. Worse, that you were working for the enemy."
The conversation seemed to just keep getting worse. Now Ashley was under the impression that Shepard and Garrus were working FOR Cerberus. That was far from the case. In the first place, how could she think Garrus would be with Cerberus? They were a pro-human group and didn't have any nonhumans in their organization. Plus Garrus had seen the same things Shepard and Ashley did at the Cerberus bases. The reason Garrus was with Shepard now was because Shepard discovered Garrus was the real identity of a vigilante he was sent to recruit for the mission. Despite some initial hesitation because of Cerberus' involvement, Garrus trusted that Shepard knew what he was doing and agreed to join Shepard's crew and even became the Normandy's gunnery officer.
As for Shepard, he might have been in command of a Cerberus ship that was run by a crew consisting mostly of Cerberus operatives but he was not actually a member of Cerberus himself. He was just using the resources Cerberus provided him to investigate the colony abductions. Beyond that, Shepard would never officially join Cerberus because his past run-ins with the group showed him how dangerous they really were.
Ashley's accusation aside, there was something else troublesome about what she had said. Shepard hadn't given it much thought but now he was starting to wonder how it was possible that nearly everyone in the galaxy knew about his return and about his supposed joining with Cerberus. One thing Cerberus was especially good at was keeping their operations secret. The Illusive Man himself was an enigma as no one knew his real identity. The operations Shepard came across during his hunt for Saren were found purely by accident. Being so good at keeping secrets, how could Cerberus accidentally let information about Shepard's return slip out so much that it was known across the galaxy?
Unless….it wasn't an accident. When Shepard took into consideration the tip that Ashley mentioned the Alliance receiving about Horizon, a troubling, yet unsurprising, thought came to him. What if the Illusive Man was the tipster and what if he intentionally allowed Shepard's return to become known. Shepard knew that he was going to need to have a serious talk with the Illusive Man about these theories when he got back to the Normandy but at the moment he needed to help Ashley see that his alliance with Cerberus was not what she thought it was.
"Cerberus and I want the same thing," he said, "to protect our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them."
The look on Ashley's face indicated that she didn't buy it, "do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think? I wanted to believe that you were alive…I just never expected anything like this. How could you just turn your back on all of us? You betrayed the Alliance…Anderson. You betrayed me."
Shepard felt as if Ashley had just stabbed him in the heart. She was practically calling him a traitor. Whatever rumors the Illusive Man had spread about Shepard, Ashley was buying them. It just didn't seem possible to Shepard that Ashley, the woman he cared deeply for would think that he would betray the Alliance…and her.
The worst part was that it sounded like Councilor David Anderson, Shepard's former commanding officer and humanity's representative on the Citadel Council, didn't tell Ashley about the meeting he had with him and the other councilors not too long ago. At that meeting, Shepard told them the same things he was telling Ashley about his alliance with Cerberus. While he was able to put their minds at ease regarding his loyalties, he still couldn't get help from either the Council or the Alliance on his mission. Fortunately the Council was willing to reinstate Shepard's Spectre status as a show of support from them personally and Anderson promised he would do everything in his power to ensure the Alliance wouldn't interfere with Shepard's mission. Nothing that happened in that meeting would indicate a reason for Anderson to feel betrayed by Shepard. If Anderson would have told Ashley that, she would have seen it as well. As Ashley said earlier however, Anderson wouldn't tell her anything when she went to him for information.
Now Shepard was finding himself in the unpleasant position of having to try and convince Ashley that he wasn't a traitor. He figured the best way to do it was tell her about the Collectors' alliance with the Reapers. Ashley was one of the few people who knew that the Reapers existed and what they were capable of. If she knew they were involved in the abductions, surely she would see that Shepard's reasons for his actions were justified.
"Ash," he said, "you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself. The Collector's are targeting human colonies. And they're working with the Reapers!"
"I'd like to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. And it worries me that you do. What did they do to you? What if they're behind it? What if they're the ones working with the Collectors."
"Typical Alliance attitude," Miranda scoffed as she crossed her arms, "you're so focused on Cerberus that you're blind to the real threat."
Shepard had to resist every urge to scold Miranda for that remark. Not only did he resent her view about the Alliance, he was also mad at her because her comment was not helping the situation at all. Sadly this was not the time or the place for that. He would probably have to deal with her when they got back to the Normandy. Right now his focus had to be on salvaging whatever trust Ashley still had in him.
However Shepard was troubled by the fact that his mentioning the Reapers hadn't already done that. She should've known that Shepard would not throw the Reapers out there casually. It was also a far better explanation than Cerberus being the one working with the Collectors. Shepard was not saying it was completely impossible for Cerberus to work with aliens. After all, they were having Shepard seek out aliens for help with the mission. What made the idea of Cerberus being behind the abductions hard to believe was that Cerberus was a PRO-human survivalist group so there was no reason for them to abduct entire human colonies. Shepard couldn't believe it but it was possible Miranda was actually right and that Ashley was focusing solely on Cerberus and was letting her knowledge of the group keep her from being able to move on to other explanations for the abductions.
"You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of facts," he said.
"Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe it's you. Doesn't matter…I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood. I'm reporting back to the Citadel. I'll let them decide if they believe your story."
With that last statement, Ashley turned and began to walk away. Every step she took away from Shepard made his heart ache more. The woman who was his fellow soldier, friend and lover was leaving him. What he had hoped would be a happy reunion had become anything but. Ashley had accused him of betrayal and working for a terrorist group. All that time they spent together and she was letting the smoke screen of rumors keep her from seeing the man she "loved" was still there and would never do such a thing.
Even though it seemed unlikely to change her mind, Shepard decided to make one last appeal to Ashley. He understood what she said about her being a soldier and that her loyalty was with the Alliance but he didn't want to continue the mission without her. It was partially because he knew she would be an excellent addition to his crew and it would be nice to have another familiar face from his old team join up with him again. Mostly though, he didn't want her to go because…well, he loved her too. Aside from the mission, the chance to be with Ashley again was what made being brought back to life worth it. If he lost her, then he would have nothing.
As he called out to her, he made sure that he spoke in a professional tone so as not to let his squad know the real reason for doing so. He trusted Garrus wouldn't have a problem with it but Miranda…it was best not to give her another reason besides the fact Ashley was an Alliance soldier to keep him from letting her come.
"I could use someone like you on my crew, Ash. It'll be just like old times."
"No, it won't. I'm no fan of aliens, but Cerberus has a history of being extremist. I'll never work for a group like that. Goodbye, Shepard. Just…try to be careful."
After the final farewell, Ashley continued to walk away and was soon gone from Shepard's view. Shepard didn't know how he was supposed to feel at that moment. He was already frustrated with the fact that his mission to prevent the colonists of Horizon from being abducted was only partially successful. Now the happy reunion he had hoped to have with Ashley didn't happen and he could do nothing but watch her leave him. One thing he had said to Jacob Taylor, another Cerberus member on his crew, was that the people he had served with on the original Normandy were his team and would come back if they knew he was alive. Ashley had just proven his statement wrong. True he currently had three members of his original crew with him again: Garrus, Dr. Karin Chakwas and Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau. But it was Ashley that he had wanted to come back the most. Her choosing not to join him and all the harsh things she had said to him left him feeling hurt and angry. Not even the brief moment where she showed concern by telling him to be careful was making up for what had happened before that.
Shepard tapped his ear to activate his comm., "Joker - send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."
Back on board the Normandy, Shepard was riding in the elevator up to his cabin. He needed to get away from work which he had not been able to do since they had left Horizon. With his mission debriefings and rounds finally over, he was going to the one place where he could have some privacy…at least what little privacy he could get. Cerberus had planted cameras and microphones in his cabin but Shepard expected they would and immediately saw to it that each and every one was disabled. Sadly as long as the intercom worked there was always a chance he might be disturbed. He silently hoped that given what happened on Horizon that the crew would respect his need for privacy and not page him.
When he stepped off the elevator and entered his cabin, he waked past his main desk with his private terminal on it and went down the steps towards the desk next to the right side of his bed. He laid his hands on the surface and hung his head. The pace of his breathing quickened and his fingers drummed on the desk as he could feel the anger boiling inside him trying to surface. The professional attitude he needed to maintain in front of his crew kept him from letting his anger over the events of Horizon show. That became even harder after his debriefing with the Illusive Man.
During the meeting, the Illusive Man casually confirmed the theories Shepard had formed about him on Horizon. He admitted to letting slip that Shepard was alive and with Cerberus as well as giving the Alliance the tip about Horizon that brought Ashley there. His reason for doing so was that it was part of what he called a "calculated risk" to test a theory of his that the Collectors were looking for Shepard or people connected to him. The Collectors going after Ashley and the colonists on Horizon proved he was right. He also tried to justify his actions by saying that the Collectors would have taken another colony eventually and luring them to Horizon gave them a better chance of preventing the Collectors from abducting an entire colony.
When the conversation was over, Shepard's anger had intensified for several reasons. The first reason was because, while the Illusive Man didn't say it explicitly, he had another motive for leaking the info about Shepard's return. By purposely altering the rumor so it claimed that Shepard was working "for" Cerberus rather than "with", the Alliance and the Council were led to believe that Shepard faked his death to defect to Cerberus. That explained why they both were hesitant to offer Shepard help with his mission…which Shepard realized was the point. The Illusive Man had set Shepard up so that he had no choice but to accept Cerberus' help. Shepard still hated the fact that he had to work with Cerberus and the second reason for his growing anger had also increased his hatred of that fact. The Illusive Man was willing to put the lives of Ashley and the colonists of Horizon at risk. It was further proof that Shepard was right about how ruthless the Illusive Man's tactics were. Having to accept help from a man like that was hard for Shepard to swallow.
Being alone in his cabin, Shepard could finally let out the anger he was feeling. In a swift motion, he knocked all the items off the desk and onto the floor. His scream of rage echoed in the cabin along with the crashing sounds made when the objects it the floor. His next target was the Prothean sphere he had acquired on a mission to locate a couple of scientists who had disappeared investigating Prothean ruins. He picked it up and threw it across the room nearly missing the fish tank. With nothing else in the immediate area to throw, he went back up to his main desk and was about to throw his private terminal when something else caught his attention.
The picture frame next to the terminal lit up revealing a picture of Ashley. Seeing Ashley's face again made Shepard think about the ultimate reason he was angry at the Illusive Man. The biggest damage caused by the rumor he spread was it ruined Shepard's reunion with Ashley. It caused Ashley to believe that Shepard had betrayed the Alliance by joining Cerberus and made her mistrust him enough to refuse to join him on his mission. Ultimately that was the thing that angered Shepard the most.
Shepard had to work hard to conceal how he truly felt about Ashley not coming with him from the rest of the crew. He only brought up the truth with the Normandy's yeoman and psychologist Kelly Chambers. There was no point in hiding his feelings from a person who specialized in reading behavior. Especially because Kelly actually asked him if he had feelings for Ashley. Their talk did help calm Shepard a little bit but it was only temporary as he was once again reminded about how his meeting with Ashley went when he talked to Joker.
During that conversation, Shepard realized that the bad reunion with Ashley was yet another reminder that he had lost more than just two years of his life while he was dead. Ever since he was brought back to life, he kept finding out that all the things that were important to him were gone. He didn't have his ship, his team had been split up and the Alliance and Council had written off all his warnings about the Reapers. The only thing he had left that made coming back to life worth it was the hope of rekindling his relationship with Ashley. Now that he had lost that, Shepard was now starting to wish that he had never been brought back.
"Why?" Shepard asked himself, "Why couldn't Ashley see the truth? How could she doubt me after everything we'd been through together? Garrus, Dr. Chakwas and Joker believed in me. Hell, Ashley saw Garrus with me on Horizon. She should know he would have saved me if Cerberus was controlling me…which…is actually what she should have tried to do if that's what she thinks happened. Instead she just walked away and left me with Cerberus. I'm not the one who turned my back on my friends! SHE TURNED HER BACK ON ME!"
The last thought caused Shepard to grab the top of the frame and pull the picture down to hide Ashley's face.
…At least that's what he told himself he was going to do. Shepard's hand shook as he tried to tell it to pull down the photo but it wouldn't move. Then Shepard's eyes locked with Ashley's and his anger vanished. He let go of the photo and sat in his chair. His eyes filled with tears as his anger turned to sadness and guilt. He couldn't do it. Pulling the picture down would mean he was giving up on Ashley and he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He cared for her too much. He…loved her. One bad encounter didn't mean it was over. Maybe when the mission was over and if he was still alive, he could find Ashley again and have another attempt to rekindle their relationship.
Joker's voice over the intercom snapped Shepard out of his thoughts, "Commander, sorry to interrupt but I wanted to let you know that we're approaching our destination."
Shepard took one last look at Ashley's photo and got up from his chair to head for the elevator. Ashley was going to have to wait. The Illusive Man had given him some additional dossiers for potential squad members and right now the Normandy was on its way to where one of them was located. If Shepard wanted to have any chance of coming out of this mission alive and seeing Ashley again, he needed to keep building up his team and the more people he had on his side the better.