I Wish That Wasn't All
"Why doesn't it feel real?" Ben asked. They'd just put their twins to bed after Julia's funeral and were standing in the hall where they always waited for a few minutes to see if one or both of the twins would wake up. At almost four, Destiny and William were finally getting the hang of their shared bedroom. Miranda shook her head. If she could answer her husband's grief, she would. "Like it honestly doesn't seem real."
"I know, baby," she said touching his hand. He squeezed hers.
He sighed. "Is this how you felt after William passed?" The look of desperation on his face made her sadder than she'd been in a long while.
Miranda inhaled slowly. Her chest tightened. She missed her father with everything in her. It had gotten easier to remember him after a few years, but the pain was always there. "It felt like… everything was moving at a rapid speed and I didn't know how to stop it or slow it down."
"I just…" He leaned against the wall. "I'm not okay."
"You don't have to be," she said softly.
"I need to get out of here." He walked halfway down the stairs. He paused and came back to her and kissed her on the cheek. "I'll be back." He touched both sides of her face and kissed her lips softly. A tear slid down his face and between their lips. She licked her lips. "I love you."
"Where are you going?" She asked, ignoring his declaration.
"I don't know. I just buried my mother."
Miranda watched him leave their house, debating whether she should try to stop him or just let him go. She went to her room and lie in the bed. When she'd lost her father, she distracted herself by jumping on Ben any chance she got. No place or time was off limits. By doing that, she was subconsciously wishing and praying that she would come down from her orgasmic high and realize that it had all been a dream; that her father wouldn't really be gone. That his life wasn't cut short just when she needed him the most.
Miranda said a prayer and fell asleep. A ringing phone woke her up. She picked up the phone. "Ben?"
"Yeah, babe. It's me."
She sat up quickly. Too quickly. Her head spun. "Where are you? Are you…" She was going to ask if he was okay, but the question was so trite. Instead she checked the time. He'd been gone for nearly four hours. "Where are you?" She asked again.
"Um, somehow I've ended up in New York."
"What?"
"Yeah, I thought I was going to drive around the block, maybe a few towns over, but my mind went into cruise control and I looked up and there's Times Square."
She laughed a little. "Come home, baby."
Ben sniffed. "I am," he chuckled softly. "I'm s-sorry." Miranda could hear the pain in her husband's voice. He was usually so laidback and mellow, that the anguish he was feeling was almost fake. They were quiet. "I'm sorry for taking off like that. And for making you worry."
"Don't apologize."
"I miss you and the kids."
"It's only been a few hours. I'm fine. They're fine."
"I love you."
"I love you," she said with tears coming into her eyes.
"Aw, don't cry, Miranda."
"I'm not." Lie.
"You are. And you're going to make me cry." She shook her head, tears coming faster. "I'll be back shortly. I promise."
"Don't rush and please be careful, Ben."
"I won't and I will."
"You don't have to come back tonight." Miranda wanted to give him enough space and time to start his grieving process; which would be long and one of the hardest things he'd ever have to do.
"Yes, I do."
"Why?"
"I need my wife. I need you to hold me."
Her heart skipped. "Okay."
"Okay. See you soon."