Chapter One
Jessica sighed.
She was so, so bored in life.
She had never been good at normal jobs, so had settled as Barry's carer and did 95% of babysitting for the family's 6 kids.
4 girls and 2 boys between the ages of 2-11.
Jessica didn't really mind, but it did become a grind.
Her life seemed very meaningless and never seemed to move forward.
She had had a boyfriend for 5 years, Luke, and he truly was her rock.
He knew everything about her past and knew her wants and needs.
He also knew she was very desperate to have a baby, but being sensible, had said to wait until they were living together when he inherited a house.
This was of course logical, beside being bittersweet, as everyone knew what inheritence meant.
Jessica was 22 but always knew she wanted children - she needed to be a mother.
Unknowingly to her, she had actually gotten pregnant - she didn't know until she had a strongly suspected miscarriage whilst on holiday with her sister.
It was never confirmed though due to being in another country...so Jessica could never grieve properly and it always played on her mind wether or not she even had a right to be upset as she didn't know what truly happened.
She had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries, and that also added to her broodiness - the fear of not being able to be a mother only intensified her need to be one.
She wanted to feel a life grow inside of her, feel the baby move in her, go through agonizing hours of labour, and finally, hold her precious child in her arms and feel that famous rush of love, and know that she'd never let it be harmed...
She wanted that more than anything.
For now though, she was stuck living with Barry, caring for him and babysitting.
She was extremelly depressed, but feared greatly if she talked to a counciller and told the truth about Barry, that he would be sent to jail, or social workers would get involved...everything she did not want.
It truly was a horrible situation to be in.
She did find comfort in God though, but there was catch...
Jessica could pray and watch countless movies or tv shows that had God in and loved every second...but she was shy...if she watched the same shows with anyone else, she would cringe at scenes where someone would kneel down to God, or ask for forgiveness...and she didn't have a clue why.
Everything about it was amazing, yet she literally couldn't bring herself to watch certain scenes with people.
She could barely talk to her own vicar about God...not that she went to church much.
She wanted to be a good christian, but struggled a lot.
As life dragged her down though, she realised that God was always there for her.
One of her biggest hatreds in life was that Barry was extremelly arrogant and always shot anyone down who tried to disagree with him, or say no to him.
Yes, though Jessica told herself she had forgiven Barry, the truth was that she hadn't - she was just too afraid to admit it to herself, in fear that God would then treat her the same, justly.
It was yet another thing that always played in her mind and with her emotions.
Lately, Jessica had realised that she started to become emotionally numb, and hadn't cried for years, but sometimes emotion just blew out of her - usually in the form of anger.
That anger was usually aimed at Barry, and they would have furious rows.
To prevent herself from the abomination of physically hurting someone esle, Jessica would often bite, or nip or scratch herself - this was a sure method of stopping her savagely beating him up, with years and years of anger and hatred boiling.
Right now, she was watching "The Chase" on telly.
Barry was sitting on his chair, and they tried to do the quiz together, realizing humorously that they'd never win anything.
That's another thing that played on her mind...sometimes Jessica downright despised Barry, and other times, she could actually have a good laugh with him.
She hated herself for having such conflicting feelings for one person.
"I'm going to go have a lie-down." she said.
"Ah right." Barry had nodded.
"Come on Lex." Jessica called, opening the sitting room door.
Happily, Lex jumped off the sofa and followed her.
Barry and Jessica had 2 dogs - Lex was a 6 year old Staffie x Patterdale, who was really Jessica's dog, and Lucy was a 3 year old Patterdale Terrier, who really belonged to Barry.
Sighing again, Jessica finally soaked into her bed, feeling happy at last.
It was the only place she felt truly comforted and calm.
Lex happily rubbed his head into her side, and smiling, she returned the affection with a soft stroke on his side.
Dogs never intentionally caused pain to people and always showed love to their family - they were a true gift from God, and Jessica was very grateful to have Lex.
Her sister had rescued him when he was 5 weeks old.
Poor thing was too young to leave his mother really, but she had no choice.
She was coming back across the country, so took him and left - the previous owner wouldn't come looking...he was a drug user and couldn't care less...the previous week, when Lex had peed on the floor, as any 4 week old puppy would, the owner had picked him up and threw him into a wall.
This had lasting damage, and Lex was left with a kneecap that kept dislocating, and it grew arthritic...winter was the worst for him and he needed painkillers during the colder months.
"Love you Lex." Jessica said gently, and the faithful dog rewarded her by covering her with kisses.
Jessica laughed and they settled down into a cuddle.
As she started feeling sleepy, she began to pray.
"God?" she whispered, "I have these small moments of happiness instead of numbness...but I really need more...wthout sounding ungrateful! I am you know, for everything good that I have! But I feel so empty and lost...well you know everything anyway - please help me sort my life out. Er...glory in your name? Amen..."
With that, she fell into a very deep sleep.