Jessica gulped slightly as Jesus led her to the peer.
She wasn't scared of Jesus Himself - more the deeply emotional experience that she knew was about to happen.
She knew she needed it...she needed to let it all out, and really have a spiritual cleansing, but she was nervous.
She couldn't fully shake of her shyness...
Jesus was still holding her hand as he led her, and Jess found she liked it very much. She felt safer the longer he held her and led her.
He was like the father she never had, and she was the child she had never been allowed to be...
Jesus suddenly stopped.
They were on the peer - Jess had barely noticed for being so deep in her thoughts.
Jesus kept a hold of Jessica's hand as he sat down.
"Come, sit with me." he invited gently.
Jess obeyed happily.
The great one was quiet for a moment, seemingly deciding on what to say.
Jessica did not dare disturb him, and fell back into thought.
She wanted to be honest and open...
It seemed silly in one sense, because she knew God already knew everything...but at the same time, this was the start of a true relationship between them, and that meant honesty - a clean slate, as it were...
Still, she couldn't shake those stupid nerves...maybe that was where she should start!
Finally, she looked up.
Jesus had been very patiently watching her.
She blinked.
"Jesus...?" she asked.
He smiled softly.
"Yes?"
"Why is it...this...so hard for me?" she asked, feeling silly just asking it.
Jesus rubbed her hand.
"Firstly, you are not foolish for asking anything. If we are starting this new relationship where I am your Father, then I will assume that role no problem. And one role of a Father is to teach - I want to teach you. I want you to learn." he stated, "In fact, wouldn't you agree that asking God for answers is actually very wise, given that I know everything?"
Jessica was listening to every word, and found herself grinning, assured that she wasn't being silly and that she was welcome to ask any question under the sun without being chided.
Jesus grinned back.
Still smiling, Jess gently placed her free hand over his, to be as connected to him as possible.
"Secondly, to actually answer you. Jess...the reason you feel so shy when it comes to talking to me - or even think about the more spiritual connection with me, even by different people, goes way back to when you were a child, and as you were growing up into the woman you are now. You have suffered, so, so badly, in many different ways. It has literally not only conditioned your brain, but your soul too. You have a serious anger problem, don't you Jess?"
She nodded - it was pointless lying to him, and she didn't want to anyway...everything had to come out now - she had to feel clean.
"Yes." she answered softly, looking at their hands...she couldn't look at him now, it was too much on her emotions.
"Well - why do YOU think you have so much anger?" Jesus prodded.
Jess cringed a little, but answered.
"I'm angry at a lot of things - I had absolutely no control when I was little, and I don't have any control now...I feel trapped, and that just brings up the emotions of when I was little..."
She stopped, unable to continue at that moment - they were entering very dark territory.
"Yes, Jessica, we are going into the dark - but I am the light, you see? Trust me." Jesus instructed, gently but firmly.
She gulped, but knew this was all for her own good.
"You...you know everything. You know what Barry did." she stated painfully.
Jesus held her shoulder with his free hand.
"Well...when he was doing all that, I felt powerless...like I uh - had to go along with it all. It went on for years, and...there is something that makes me feel guilty and sick to my stomach..." she continued, starting to shake as the memories were finally free to come to the surface.
"Tell me." He ordered, His voice soft and concerned.
"When...when I was about 11, 12 or 13...around then - he used to ask me to - to do it all...and I would just - give in and say yes...I actually said yes, and I kept saying yes! I even enjoyed it sometimes and it makes me feel sick!" she growled, now furious with her self.
She couldn't say anymore, she felt too sick.
What she wanted to do was hurt herself, but realised she was prevented by holding Jesus's hand - and she wanted to hold his hand more than she wanted to hurt herself.
"Jessica..." Jesus started, choosing his words very carefully, "You need to understand very clearly, that you are in no way guilty for anything that happened between you and Barry. You were a child, and he was not."
The tears had started now, and Jess kept her eyes firmly on their hands.
"I said yes..." she repeated.
"Because it was easier and caused you less pain."
"I enjoyed it." she groaned, filled deeply with shame.
Jesus sighed.
"Yes, you did. Why? Because that is how your brain coped with abuse - do you understand that?"
Jess shook her head.
"You had already been abused for years before you started enjoying it. You had just begun puberty and had very conflicting emotions and physical feelings - your sexuality was growing. You had no choice but to enjoy it. That doesn't mean you were at fault, it just means you found a way to suffer less during a great injustice." Jesus explained calmly.
Jessica had started crying even more now, but silently.
Now, when she spoke, her voice was cracked.
"Why did he do it?" she pleaded.
Jesus sighed again, clearly emotional.
"I cannot answer that, Jessica. I'm so sorry, but it is up to Barry to defend himself..."
Rage immediately engulfed Jess.
"That's all it ever is with him! Excuses! Reasons! Why can't he just be SORRY for what he did?" she shouted, though of course the anger was not aimed at Jesus himself.
He didn't answer for a moment - and that moment of silence was enough to break her...she completely lost control and broke down in tears.
She didn't care anymore if she looked stupid, she couldn't hold on to all the hurt anymore. She needed God to heal her.
She shifted so instead of sitting, she was kneeling.
Silently, Jesus opened his arms, and Jessica gladly fell into them.
She cried and cried and cried, years and years of raw emotion spilling out of her.
"It's ok." he whispered.
And she knew it was - it was more than ok, it was needed, and he was more than willing to be her provider and comforter.
After several long minutes of release, Jess at last began to calm down.
Jesus rubbed her back as her breathing slowed to normal and the tears finally stopped falling.
At last, she was calmed, and simply stayed in the hug, enjoying the incredible bliss of it - she felt a million times better, despite there still being some stuff to work on.
It had to end though, so eventually, she pulled back.
Jesus tenderly wiped away the tears that remained on her face - it was a gentle act, full of love.
Jess was touched by it.
She breathed out, feeling rather tired.
"Oh it'll drain ya." Jesus smiled, good-naturedly.
She actually managed a small laugh, nodding.
"Yeah..." she agreed, breathing out.
"That, er...feels better." she admitted.
He nodded knowingly.
Gently, he held her shoulder again.
"I'm still listening." he informed her.
Jess nodded slowly.
"Jesus...I know that you already know everything - but - well, would it be ok if could do a sort of...confession...thing?" she struggled.
"Confession thing?" he repeated.
This was said tenderly, but Jessica understood straight away. He wanted her to literally say it.
So, taking a deep breathe - and his hand again - she just went along with it.
"Jesus, I really want to confess some sins to you, here and now, so that we can really begin this new relationship."
Silently, he lifted her face up to make her look at him.
"That sounds like a very good idea - and I think you'll feel very bad during it, but incredible after it." he informed her.
She believed him and nodded.
She was in too deep now, there was no turning back - she didn't want to anyway.
"I feel very guilty about neglecting my grandmother. I keep trying to make excuses for it, but there is none. I was just lazy...nothing else to it. I am so sorry...and I wish with all my being that I could tell her that to her face." she whispered.
Jesus nodded.
"You will get your chance...but I happen to know that she has already forgiven you."
Jessica's eyes widened and she looked back up at him, feeling emotional again.
He looked back, gentle and knowing.
She gulped.
"Can you forgive me?" she asked shakily, involuntary bowing forward slightly, subconsciously needing to show God that he was higher than her.
Her heart was hammering, now suddenly deeply afraid of not being forgiven.
As fear engulfed her, she looked down and spotted his wrists...with scars from the crucifixion very visible.
She was winded for a moment.
Slowly, she closed her eyes and imagined the torture he had underwent.
She shook her head and gently touched the scars.
A whole new wave of emotion slammed into her - a horrifying regret for the entire human population being the cause of his suffering...he had been through so much despite his purity.
She groaned.
"I'm so sorry!" she spluttered, fresh tears forming.
He grabbed her hand.
"I'm not!" he assured her.
She shook her head.
"You didn't have to!" she sniffed.
"I wanted to!" he argued back.
"So that we could be forgiven? We sin every day - some sin a little, some sin a lot, yet we all fall short of God...that's why you did it? You loved us enough to always want a connection - a relationship - without the sin weighing us down, away from you high up?" she cried, overwhelmed with gratitude.
He smiled and nodded, opening his arms again.
She embraced him even harder this time, and any fear, worry or foolishness she had every felt was gone.
"I love you!" she said fiercely, hugging him even tigher as if to prove it.
"And I love you! More than you could ever comprehend! I am God - I created everything, and I created you. Yes, I see everything, and I see all of the sin. I am able to judge. Do you know what I have judged? I have judged you worthy of love! Because you are my child! Can I forgive you? YES! Because I want to - because sin is no longer a barrier between us. I love you so much, and all the pain I went through was so, so worth it! This joy I have in reconciling with every human I can is indescribable! If you could feel it, you would know you were truly in Heaven...You are forgiven. Now please - forgive yourself!" Jesus exploded passionately, making her look in his eyes.
Once more, she saw everything in the universe, and now she felt every emotion.
She felt light, and giddy.
Ok - ok! I forgive myself...this is a fresh start. But please...you have been so, so, so good to me through all of this, and I can never thank you enough! But please can you help me with something else?" Jessica replied, now deep in a spiritual connection - she was nowhere near afraid anymore, she was completely and utterly joyful.
"Yes - I will help you forgive Barry." Jesus nodded, already knowing.
She grinned with appreciation and embraced him yet again - she loved it! She loved him! More than any words could ever describe.
To be in his arms was the greatest of all feeling in the universe.
She was safe.
She was loved.
She was home.