Part 1B NINE: Living and Dying

Elle

You can live and die at the same time, I've learned. Or, I suppose the correct term would be, exist and die. I'm not happy. I don't do anything I enjoy anymore. But I have to make Nico feel better. He needs to be happy, which is more important. I've always cared more about the feelings of others than those of myself, anyway.

I'm not living anymore. Not really. I don't even know when I stopped living and started just plain existing. I do everything for Nico and nothing for myself. But maybe that's not a bad thing. It's a part of growing up, isn't it? Caring for and about others before yourself? It's not wrong to think that. Right?

And I'm dying at the same time. Figuratively, of course. Because I do everything for Nico. Because I don't even care about my needs anymore. As long as he's happy. As long as he doesn't hurt me. We'll be okay. We'll get through this.

But the fact still stands that I'm both dead and alive. I'm breathing, going through each day, but for Nico. Only for Nico. I do what he wants now. A part of me is mad. A part of me hates him, hates myself, for how I submit to his will so easily. But the larger part of me tells me that we love each other. This is what couples do for each other. I have to keep him happy. It's my job as his girlfriend. And he cares about me. He just gets mad, like everyone else.

It's confusing and conflicting. My emotions, my thoughts, everything pulls me in different directions. I should get out of this relationship, my thoughts scream, but my heart tells me that this is normal. I have to prove my love to Nico by keeping him happy. And to keep him happy, I have to do what he says.

The part that wants to break up with him is weakening. It's the part that wants me to tell Bruce, to run back to Jason, to call the police, anything except stay with Nico. The part that loves Nico is strengthening. That's the part that wants us to get through this, that wants me to stay with him, that attaches me to him. The part that keeps my mouth shut and the bruises hidden.

I don't know what to do. So I do what I know best. Keep quiet and obey.

Wednesday, October 21

Jason texted me all night. I didn't text back. He even tried calling, as if I was more likely to pick up the phone than type out a response. Needless to say, I silenced my phone. I was worried and maybe a bit terrified that he would go to extreme measures to get me to break up with Nico, such as telling Bruce or even showing up at Wayne Manor.

I should really know him better than that, though.

I woke up to more nightmares. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I decided to text Nico.

ELLE: You awake?

It took him a minute to respond.

NICO: What do you want you stupid bitch? I'm trying to sleep.

I pushed back the hurt and tears. He had a right to be angry, I reminded myself. I woke him up.

ELLE: I had a nightmare.

That was the first time I told someone. Tim had caught me wake up from a nightmare. That had been different. This had taken me a lot of courage to text.

NICO: So go cry about it.

Instead, I started crying over his words. Why was I even crying? They were just words. It was just Nico.

NICO: Come over to my place later.

ELLE: We have school.

NICO: So skip. Not that hard to figure out. You really are stupid.

ELLE: I skipped yesterday. I can't skip today.

NICO: So you care more about school than your boyfriend?

ELLE: No! I love you!

NICO: Come over to my house.

ELLE: I will in a couple of hours.

He never responded. I wiped away my tears and did push-ups and sit-ups to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, I was in a lot of pain from my bruises, so I couldn't do too many. I showered and changed and then headed down to breakfast, where I ignored both Tim and Bruce. I even ignored Alfred.

I made up the excuse that I had to go get make-up work from the school and left. I was surprised they let me leave. But they seemed to do that a lot. Just let me leave. Why did they never make me stay?

NICO: Where are you?

ELLE: On my way to your place.

NICO: Hurry up I'm hungry.

ELLE: So make yourself breakfast. I already ate.

NICO: You're making me breakfast.

ELLE: Okay.

It was easier to agree. When I got to Nico's apartment, he gestured towards the kitchen, expecting me to make him food. I made scrambled eggs and toast, hoping he'd be happy with it. He was satisfied, which was better than angry. Anything was better than angry.

Jason tried to text me a few more times. After a few glares from Nico and a couple of smacks, I turned my cell phone off. We watched movies that he enjoyed but I didn't, plus I made him lunch. The day wasn't bad. And then it turned around again.

"Clean this up," Nico said, gesturing to the plates surrounding us. It was around dinnertime, but we hadn't eaten yet.

"Can you clean up?" I asked quietly. Nico glared at me. I flinched. My breathing picked up. But I managed to finish my thought. "I'll make dinner."

Nico smacked me. I fell off the couch and onto the floor. I yelped when I hit my wrist wrong.

"You don't give the orders here," Nico hissed, hitting me again.

"I'm sorry!" I cried out. Nico only continued to hit and kick me. "Please stop!"

"You want me to stop?" Nico shouted, adding a couple more punches for good measure. "Then do your fucking job right!"

I sobbed and nodded. Nico kicked my stomach.

"Answer me when I speak to you!" he yelled. "And stop crying! You're such a fucking baby!"

I tried to calm down but was unable to. I cried hysterically. "I'll clean up!" I pleaded. "And make dinner! Just please stop! I love you!"

Nico kicked me one more time. He picked up a glass plate and slammed it onto the floor next to my head. I flinched away, closing my eyes to avoid them getting injured. Luckily, the glass didn't go flying, but Nico kicked me towards the pieces. I cut my shoulder and my arm on the glass the way I turned. I cried out in pain.

"Now get to work!" Nico shouted. He left to his bedroom and slammed the door.

Still sobbing hysterically, I carefully picked up the glass, accidentally cutting my hand a bit in doing so. I ignored the pain from the cuts the best I could. I cleaned up the dishes and started dinner. While waiting for the food to cook, I cleaned out the cuts on my hand, arm, and shoulder the best I could. I hoped they wouldn't get infected, but I didn't know exactly what to do with the cuts. They weren't deep, which I knew was lucky, but still.

Dinner was spent with Nico glaring at me and talking about how useless I was while I ate quietly. I cleaned up afterwards, Nico hit me just because he could, I put cover-up on, and then I left.

I turned my phone back on. Once again, I had lots of missed calls and texts. The latest ones were from Tim.

TIM: Bruce isn't happy. And honestly, I'm not too thrilled either. You skipped school again and we have no idea where you are.

I sniffed back my tears and snuck into my room in Wayne Manor. I supposed that Bruce and Tim were out that night because neither of them came to interrogate me.

Thursday, October 22

I avoided everyone like the plague. I left my room barely in time to get a ride to school. Tim tried to talk to me but I ignored him. Alfred didn't even try.

After a few classes of being pushed around came gym. I changed clothes in one of the bathroom stalls and wore one of my sweaters. No bruises could be seen. Out on the track, Jasmine kept pace with me. I was thankful she didn't speak. It felt … kind of nice, actually, to have someone to run with, even if she did annoy me.

But it was too good to be true. Jasmine kept me back as everyone else headed inside at the end of class. I stiffened, prepared for another lecture.

"You can't keep doing this," Jasmine told me.

"Why do you even care?" I demanded, glaring at her. It wasn't any of her business.

"I told you. I've been there."

She'd been hit.

But I wasn't her. I was strong enough to deal with it. So I told her so.

"Yeah, well, so what if he hits me?" I looked away and shrugged, scowl on my face. "It's not that bad. I can handle it." Unlike you, I added mentally.

Jasmine stared at me, determined. "You think it's not bad, but it really is." She sighed. "Look, I'm not the bad guy. I'm just trying to help."

We were silent for a few minutes. We went back inside and changed. When it was just the two of us in the locker room, a thought suddenly occurred to me.

"You can't tell anyone," I said, begged, pleaded. "Especially not the cops." It would ruin everything. And Nico would be mad. Angrier than ever.

Jasmine hesitated before finally relenting. "Fine." She wrote down a phone number on a piece of scrap paper and handed it to me. "In case you need someone to talk to."

I nodded, planning on throwing it out as soon as she had her back turned. "Thanks," I said as nicely as I could. It might have come out a little bitter, but Jasmine didn't seem to care. She headed off to her next class. I headed to lunch.

I almost threw out the piece of paper, but I couldn't make my fingers let go. I bit my lip before stuffing it into my purse. It wasn't as if I would ever use it.

At lunch, Nico and I hung out in the art room instead. We weren't supposed to leave the cafeteria, but it was too crowded. Also, I had a feeling that Nico didn't like the fact that Tim had the same lunch as us. Secretly, I was glad we spent lunch in the art room. He teased me and I teased back like we did when we'd first started dating. He even gave me a teddy bear as an apology for yesterday. I disliked bears, but I forgave him anyway.

Later, I would fall asleep with the bear by my side.