A/N: So, a couple of people think that this story is over. Sorry to disappoint (or maybe to your delight?) I'm not even one third of the way done yet. This is still only part one of three. Thought you'd like to know.

Warnings: language, violence

Part 1C ONE: Mistakes of the Living

Elle

Everyone makes mistakes. Most of these mistakes turn into regrets, and so you work to the best of your ability to fix what you've done or, if that's not possible, avoid making that same mistake again.

Making mistakes are a part of life. Without them, no one ever really learns. If a mistake hadn't been made, then electricity would exist. If a mistake hadn't been made, you would have never learned to not touch the hot stove. Without making a mistake on a high school exam, you would have never learned how to get the correct answer.

Even the bad mistakes that people regret the most help them learn. A teenager who shoplifts on a dare or to look cool might realize that he or she isn't that type of person, and so stops caring about what his or her peers think about him or her. Driving while intoxicated and getting into a car accident makes the driver learn – really learn – not to do that again.

I've made mistakes. It feels as though they all run together. The fact that I hid my boyfriend at all, and then the following abuse and still not saying anything, and then staying with him and lying for him – not to mention my grades and my attitude – all of these mistakes, these regrets, I am still able to fix. I intend to do just that.

I can maybe make a friend in Jasmine. I'll be more open and honest with everyone. I'll bring my grades back up and work on my attitude.

And yet, I say this even while knowing that I'm about to keep lying, keep hiding, from the Bats. But they can never understand how much I want to protect Gotham in any way I can. I want to fight and defend others as well as myself.

Maybe becoming Cougar will be another mistake, but I'll make sure it won't be something I regret.

Tuesday, October 27

Even though no nightmares plagued me, I still woke up at 5:00 in the morning. Unable to fall back asleep, I struggled through push-ups and sit-ups, took a shower, dressed, and then went downstairs. Alfred was awake as well.

"Good morning, Miss Elle," Alfred greeted. "Any particular reason you're up this early?"

I shrugged. "Not really. Couldn't sleep. I'd go for a run, but …"

Alfred nodded. "Follow me."

He led me to the medicine cabinet and handed me the bottle of ibuprofen. "Seeing as you will no doubt need these more than any of the others, you may have this," he said. "I will simply have to pick up a new one for the rest of the family to use."

I thanked him and took two.

"Is there anything I can help with?" I asked. "I still have a couple hours before school."

"I have a better idea." Alfred led me outside and handed me the car keys. "You haven't driven in a while."

The next hour and a half, I drove around Gotham to the best of my ability. Alfred was patient with me the entire time. When we returned to Wayne Manor, it was almost 7:00. I went up to my room to apply cover-up to the bruises on my face and neck – just because I didn't mind the Batfamily seeing them didn't mean I wanted the entire school to – and then grabbed my backpack to bring downstairs for easier access after breakfast. Of course, my cell phone beeped just as I was about to leave my room.

DICK: So what's today's fun fact?

I stared at the text, confused. Tim exited his room and saw my face.

"What does it say?" he asked me.

"Dick wants to know today's fun fact …?" I questioned. Tim covered up a snort of amusement. I stared at him. "Do you know something about this?"

Tim led the way downstairs and to the kitchen, mischievous grin on his face. "Tim!" I called after him.

I huffed in frustration as I made myself toast with butter and jam. Tim got himself a bowl of Captain Crunch. Tim kept grinning over at me.

"Okay, what?" I asked, annoyed. Tim shook his head. I poured myself a glass of orange juice and slammed it on the table. "No, seriously, what?"

Tim shrugged. "Well, you told us yesterday's fun fact. So what's today's?"

My eyes widened in realization. I groaned as I took a bite of my food. "Seriously? It's called sarcasm. I can be sarcastic, you know."

"We – as in Alfred, Dick, Bruce, and I – are all taking it seriously," Tim informed me, still smiling. "We're going to start a fun facts list."

"About me," I said dryly.

"Yup."

I shook my head as I finished my food. "But why?"

"Dick thinks it'll be a good way to learn more about you," Tim explained. "And the rest of us agree."

Tim brought out a piece of paper and a pen from his backpack. I groaned again and put my head in my hands, embarrassed.

"Let's see," Tim said. "Obviously, you're a Batman fan," he teased.

I blushed. "Please tell me you're not writing that down."

He wrote it down. "Your favorite animals are cuttlefish and turtles."

"Shut up," I whined.

"You're interested in martial arts." I was surprised he even remembered me asking. "You're shy but can be sarcastic. And have a short temper."

"Miss Elle seems to enjoy working," Alfred contributed.

"It's not that I enjoy it," I corrected. "I just don't want to be lazy."

"You enjoy going for runs," Alfred said. I nodded, thankful that he didn't say the real reason that I went for runs. "And you like orange juice with your breakfast."

"You guys can stop any time now," I said, shifting uncomfortably.

"We should probably include Dick in this," Tim said to himself, reaching for his cell phone. I put my head on the table as he dialed and then eventually put Dick on speaker.

"Seriously, guys, you can stop," I begged.

"But what's the fun in that!" Dick teased. "So what do you have so far?" Tim read off the list. "She likes strawberry ice cream," Dick informed the others.

"She enjoys reading dystopias and science fiction novels," Bruce walked into the kitchen, fixing his tie. I shot him a look of mock betrayal.

"You're in on this too?" I complained.

Bruce sort-of smirked. "Her favorite music artists are Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, Superchick, and Pink."

"How did you even remember that?" I asked.

"You don't like teddy bears," Bruce went on. "Your favorite colors are purple and red."

"You guys are a bunch of stalkers," I whined playfully.

"You don't know what career to pursue," Bruce said.

"Oh, she always puts butter and grape jam on toast," Tim added, writing furiously.

"Her favorite cereal appears to be mini wheats," Alfred said.

"I give up," I sighed.

"She has difficulty with math and science," Tim said.

"That's all I've got," Dick said.

Finally, the others decided that that was all they really knew about me. It was kind of sad, but I was also surprised that they remembered any of it.

"So, Ellie, what's today's fun fact?" Dick asked. Alfred, Tim, and Bruce turned to me.

I blushed and shrugged. "Umm …" My mind blanked out. What to say, what to say …

"Perhaps if it would be easier if one of us were to ask a question," Alfred spoke up.

"I'll ask!" Dick said quickly. Tim rolled his eyes. "Who's your favorite, out of all of us?"

"How'd I know you were gonna ask that?" I sighed quietly. I shrugged. "I have no idea."

"That's not an answer," Dick complained. I could picture him pouting.

"I really don't, though," I said honestly. "I like each of you for different reasons."

Bruce because of his fighting ability. Dick because of his sense of humor and acrobatics. Jason because he wasn't afraid to kill criminals. Tim because of his dedication to Batman and Robin, and because he knew that Batman needed a Robin. Alfred because of his ability to keep the entire family from falling apart. How could I choose just one? It wasn't fair. Maybe when they were characters, I would have picked one. But now they're real people. Playing favorites with real people wasn't as fun, or fair.

"Fine. New question," Dick said.

"But –"

"Cat person or dog person?"

I rolled my eyes but couldn't help but smile. "Cat person."

"Miss Elle, Master Timothy, I believe it's time to head off to school," Alfred broke in. We said goodbye to Dick and Bruce and then went to school.

I didn't understand what was happening in class at all. Not only did I find it hard to concentrate – my peers knew that Nico and I weren't together and were teasing me about it, plus I was thinking about meeting up with Jason later – but because I hadn't paid attention in class and then skipped a few days, I couldn't keep up with the lessons.

I spent gym class with Jasmine. When I admitted to having difficulty in class, she offered to help tutor me.

"After school at my place," Jasmine said. "Free of charge."

I bit my lip. "That's nice, but …"

"Come on," Jasmine pleaded. "We can hang out afterwards if you want."

She really wanted to be friends with me. I supposed that I had to make an effort. "Okay. Meet you at the front of the school later?"

Jasmine gave me a thumb's up. "Sounds good to me! Any classes in particular you need help with?"

"Math and science, mostly," I said. Even though I hadn't had my chemistry class yet, I knew that I would be lost. "But my adopted brother might help me with those in study hall." If he didn't go hang out with his friends.

"I'm in the same study hall, remember? I can help you out with math and science then, and then after school we can work on history and English."

At lunch, I sat with Tim and his friends, really so that I wouldn't have to worry about Nico sneaking up on me. Luckily, Nico didn't try to approach me. In study hall, Jasmine helped me with my math and science, allowing Tim to talk to his friends. In art class, Tim and I hurried to class so that we could sit next to each other in the back. When Nico arrived, the only seats left were in the front. I was suddenly very glad that there weren't assigned seats.

I told Tim I was going to Jasmine's house, and then waited out front after school. Jasmine led me to her bus and we got on. The other students were loud and threw paper airplanes and pencils at each other. It was a very awkward and very long bus ride. Jasmine's bus stop was one of the last ones.

"My brother might be home, so don't freak out," Jasmine warned me. As she entered her house, she called, "Chance, you home?"

I followed Jasmine nervously through the house. From what I assumed was the basement came a young man, only a couple of years older than Jasmine and I. He had the same tan skin that Jasmine had, the same dark hair, the same brown eyes. They were definitely related. Although that should have been a given.

"Hey, Jazz. Who's your friend?" Chance very obviously raked his eyes up and down my body. I shuffled a bit so that I was hiding slightly behind Jasmine.

Jasmine rolled her eyes and smacked Chance lightly on the arm. "Stop it. She dated Nico."

A look of understanding crossed the young man's face. He dropped what I assumed was supposed to be a "sexy" pose and shot me an apologetic look. He held out his hand.

"Sorry," he said. "I'm Chance."

I took his hand and shook it. "Elle."

"No class today?" Jasmine asked.

Chance shook his head. "The professor cancelled."

"Elle needs help with class, so we'll be in the living room."

With that said, Chance left back to the basement and Jasmine led me over to the couch.

"Do you want anything?" Jasmine asked, setting down her backpack. I copied her. "Soda? Chips?"

I shook my head. "No, thanks."

For the next couple of hours, Jasmine tutored me and helped me with my English and history. English was easy to catch up on, but I'd missed a lot in history class. Jasmine was an okay tutor. Any time I messed up, she made a big deal out of it by teasing me or getting a little frustrated that I didn't understand. Her reactions only made me want to get the answers correct more.

At around 5:15, I started packing my books. "I have to go," I said.

Jasmine sighed. "You sure you don't want to stay overnight or something? It's no problem."

"Thanks, but my family's expecting me home soon," I lied.

Jasmine nodded. At the front door, as I was about to leave, she said, "It seems like you'll never get over it. But you will. If you ever need to yell or cry or scream or something, I'm here."

I nodded shyly. "Gotcha."

I started walking off. I sent a text to Tim and Bruce, saying that I was staying overnight at Jasmine's. Instead, I made my way to Jason's apartment.

Jason led me to a thrift shop.

"What are we doing here?" I asked.

Jason shoved his hands in his pockets. "I told you. Getting you an outfit." He started walking towards the back. "Pick something you can move in."

"But why here?"

Jason rolled his eyes. "No one notices who buys what here," he answered. "And I'm paying with cash so there aren't any cards to trace."

My eyes widened in understanding. "So, no one can trace me back to …"

"Exactly."

It took me an hour and a half of a lot of digging to find clothes that both fit me and were comfortable to fight in. I was surprised I'd found anything at all. Most of the clothes looked like they were from another generation, but I found some cheap and modern clothing. I made sure to buy a bunch of other random clothes to hide the ones that I would wear as Cougar.

We drove back to Jason's apartment, where Jason gave me a bulletproof vest for underneath my shirt and a plain black mask, which he'd apparently made himself. We changed into our outfits. I now wore the bulletproof vest underneath my dark purple short-sleeve shirt, a black leather jacket, a plain blue pair of jeans, black sneakers, and a pair of black gloves. I put on the mask and then messed up my hair in the hopes it would make me less noticeable.

Jason gave me a gun holster and a gun, which I placed on my right thigh. I strapped the boot knife I'd trained with to my right leg, underneath my jeans but easily grabbed.

And then we were off. I just followed Jason, who obviously had a guy in mind.

"So where are we going?" I asked.

Jason didn't even look at me. "Some guys think they can give drugs to kids without me finding out about it."

"So we're going after these guys?" I guessed.

"Aren't you a smart one," Jason said sarcastically.

It wasn't until around 9:00 that Jason spotted one of the guys he was looking for. He stepped into the alley, both guns pointed at the man.

"The one rule I gave you," Jason mocked. "No dealing to kids."

I didn't know why Jason didn't just shoot the guy. I knew he could do it. I supposed that even Jason got bored sometimes, though. Or maybe he just liked seeing criminals scared of him. I found myself wondering if I could ever get criminals to be afraid of me, too. I found that I enjoyed that thought.

I stayed in the shadows, as Jason had instructed. The drug dealer made a run for it. Jason shot and purposely missed, just so he could go on a chase, I bet. I followed Jason in the shadows the best I could. And then two more guys came out of nowhere. Did drug dealers work together? I had no idea, but these three obviously stuck up for their own. Or just didn't want to die.

Or something.

Jason fought hand-to hand for a while. As soon as he shot one of the dealers, the other two ran. Jason went after one. The other was coming straight towards me. I leapt out of my hiding spot and kicked him in the stomach. The guy hadn't seen me and fell to the ground.

"No dealing to kids," I said as harshly as I could. I had to sound different, act different, be different as Cougar. I couldn't risk being Elle while in the mask. I had to be confident. I had to scare people. I had to be the complete opposite of my civilian self to prevent any dots from connecting.

The drug dealer caught me by surprise and kicked my feet out from under me. I ignored the pain from the bruises and concentrated on fighting him. I held back my instinct to flinch and run away. I had to face this head on. I got in a good hit, but it wasn't very strong. I kicked the guy off of me and drew my knife.

"You think a little knife is going to scare me, bitch?" the dealer taunted, drawing a gun. Why he didn't use it before, I didn't know.

Without even thinking about it, I grabbed his arm, twisting and lowering it at the same time. The guy shot reflexively twice before using my own move against me. He now held an arm to my chest with my back against him. I headbutted him and twisted so that I stabbed him in the side. The guy's grip loosened, and I moved away, grabbing the gun and throwing it away.

"It should," I said. "It really should. You know why?" I kneed him in the stomach before bringing my knife to under his chin. "Because I was trained by Red Hood."

The guy knocked me off balance. I managed to knick his chin, but not much. He punched my stomach and then smacked me across the face. I fell to the ground. At least I was able to hold in the yelp I'd felt bubbling in my throat. But I was in so much pain. I had to fight it. And I definitely couldn't cry.

The guy stepped on my wrist, forced me to release the grip on my knife. He reacquired his gun and pointed it at me.

"Guess he didn't train you well enough," he smirked. I snarled.

"Well, now that's just insulting," Jason said, pointing his own guns at the guy above me.

"She can't fight worth shit," the guy retorted, apparently forgetting who exactly the Red Hood was.

"It's called a distraction, you moron," I snapped, smirking. Of course, that wasn't what I'd been going for, but as long as I could get some sort of reputation started – maybe not as a ruthless killer but as a helper to Red Hood – then I was fine with anything.

Jason pulled the trigger. The guy fell, dead. I pushed him off of me with some difficulty. Stupid bruises. Stupid bruised ribs. Stupid cuts on my shoulder.

Jason watched me struggle to my feet. "Your fighting needs work."

I shot him a glare. "No shit." I picked up my knife and returned it to its strap. "I knew you were going easy on me in training."

"We'll work on it," Jason said shortly, leading the way. "For now, let's work on not getting killed on your first night out."

"Yeah," I agreed. "I actually want to be alive long enough to get a reputation."

On our way back to Jason's apartment, we were able to stop an attempted rape. The potential rapist was killed and the woman got away. Hopefully my name would get out. I was pretty sure I saw some kid watching us with a cell phone from a window, as well. I snorted to myself as I immediately thought about Tim.

I kept my confidence until I removed the mask at Jason's apartment. That was when I started thinking about Tim, Dick, Bruce, and Alfred. They would be disappointed in me, maybe even angry. No way would Bruce want to adopt me. But maybe it wasn't worth it, anyway. I'd enjoyed fighting with Jason. I also liked how I didn't have to hold back, even if I still wasn't very strong.

I slept on Jason's couch that night. I was able to hide the nightmares.