Disclaimer: I am neither Andrew Lloyd Webber nor Gaston Leroux.
Author Note: Hi people of fanfiction! I'm back! Exams are DONE at long last and now I'm free for the summer, which can only mean one thing...lots of time for updating and writing! Yay! :-D
Thank you so much for the lovely reviews Filhound, MarilynKC and TMara!
I had wanted to upload two chapters today, because I feel that this story is maybe taking too long to get to some action, but I only have time for one. It's all very lovey-dovey at the moment, which feels kind of strange with depressive Erik and confused Christine! Chapter ten will definitely shake things up a bit *knowing smile*
Enough of my rambling- chapter nine!
GEOGRAPHICAL NOTE: to be honest, I lose track of where the clan are as they travel around France. In a previous chapter I stated that they were at a location bordering Italy (south east France) and now somehow by this chapter they have made their way to the west coast. I am a firm believer that authors should endeavour to make their stories as accurate as humanly possible but sometimes I think I will just have to plea 'artistic license' to explain how within one or two chapters a whole gypsy clan can travel across a whole country :-).
Nine- Bittersweet
It was hot, far too hot, and unbearably stuffy- Erik could feel the slippery dampness of sweat clinging to every inch of him, making his clothes stick and his skin irritable with the need for fresh air and to breathe. It felt as if he were trapped and smothered in a cocoon, the blankets and clothes tightly wound around him, securing him in place. Although it was nearer to hellish torture than simple discomfort, Erik could not find the energy nor the motive to free himself from this damnable tangle and breathe again.
He was exhausted. He groaned and recalled past times that he had been weary and lethargic from a lack of sleep with a scornful laugh- all those times were nothing compared to this dull, dragging sensation that had spread through his body. His arms and legs felt like lead, impossible to move whether entangled in blankets or not, and he honestly had to probe with a weak hand to ensure that his eyelids did not somehow have weights tied to them. His head, too, felt thick and unfathomable in this hazy exhaustion, so Erik moaned and allowed his eyes to shut again, already feeling himself drift off into warm unconsciousness.
"Are you honestly considering going back to sleep, you swine? Pali and I were both wrenched from sleep by you crashing into the tent at that ridiculous hour and we're both awake- stop moaning like a child and get up!"
Nadir's voice, dripping with disgust, made the fire of anger rise up in Erik's veins. As the heat coursed through, he found the sudden energy to sit up and angrily rip the stifling blankets away, running an impatient hand through his tangled hair and reaching for his mask with a low snarl. As he did this, his spine suddenly gave a sickening crack of protest and pain, making him wince and swear under his breath. Nadir's stern face swam into view as his eyes stopped struggling to contend with the early morning brightness, and again Erik felt a flood of irritation wash over him.
"Do you have a death wish , Khan?" he demanded in a tight voice, the words making his dry throat ache. He briefly wondered how a few blankets and a tent could really create such unbearable warmth- but then again, anything felt hot compared to the dank and perpetually cold catacombs of the opera. "Because there is really no need to waste your breath on provoking me- I am all too happy to oblige."
"Oh, spare me the dramatics!" Nadir snapped, suddenly fierce and seeming to bubble with rage. Erik raised an eyebrow in dark amusement- so, the stolid, stoic Nadir Khan had become the very thing he so often criticised? "Stop hissing at me and answer me this, if you're capable of being rational for just one minute- what on EARTH were you doing last night?!"
"This apparent act to protect my virtue, Khan, is very touching but I fear that your filthy minded accusations are the opposite from the truth." Erik gave a short, scathing laugh. "Why do you feel the need to constantly address me as though I am I convict? Last night- you want to know what I was doing last night? I was sitting next to a drunkenly sleeping Christine, comforting her every time she woke up screaming because of various nightmares about me, which was far from pleasurable or fun. And don't you dare tell me to be rational- I slept for barely an hour after being shattered routinely through the night by petrified screaming!" Erik realised that he was shouting, and so he stopped and took a moment to try and calm himself down. It didn't work, but when he spoke again he made an effort not to start screaming at the top of his voice. "Go on then, Khan. Tell me what fault you can find in that?"
Nadir shook his head and brought his hands up to his temples, massaging them with a pained expression. Erik noticed what a complete and utter mess he looked- what was left of the man's hair was in complete disarray and his eyes were bloodshot, his skin droopy with fatigue. As much as Erik wanted to storm out of the tent and leave Nadir gaping like a beached fish, he was irritated to admit that he felt oddly sorry for how pathetic his friend looked. Nadir always seemed to retain something smart or capable about his appearance, but now he looked a complete and utter wreck.
"Nothing- forgive me, I'm being irritable." He gave a weary sigh. "It's just that...well. Where do I begin? Pali's in a frantic mess because no one can find Christine- I've just spent a good hour arguing with one of the brutes to convince them that I haven't kidnapped her and Pali's been out searching with the rest of them. No one has any idea where she's gone."
Erik missed a beat in the conversation, before forcing himself to swallow the panic and fix Nadir's stare with a cool, even look. He refused to let the swell of worry show on his face, and his expression to hide this must have been smug or irritating, as Nadir looked suddenly annoyed again.
"Well, what's that face for?" he demanded in a furious voice, making Erik smother a snort of laughter. "Aren't you going to panic or somehow manage to turn this all around so that it's my fault, as you so often do?! Go on- I can see that you're desperate to shout at me and accuse me. Go on! Be melodramatic, as always!"
"There is no need." Erik replied sedately, only his eyes flashing with the unspoken warning that Nadir ought to be quiet and stop provoking him, else he may regret it. "She is always disappearing off to places- out walking, escaping the heat and the stench of this place. If I had my way, I'd join her."
"Oh, you can be so sure?" Nadir spat acidly. "Your attitude at the moment, it is- it is INFURIATING! You never tell me what is happening- you think it's funny, a game, to go skipping off all the time unannounced and to breeze in hours later- after everything we've endured together I'm not ashamed to admit that I expected better from you!"
"Why do you need to know what I do in my time with Christine, you fool?" Erik demanded, feeling a red blush go to his cheeks even though he had nothing to be embarrassed about- all Nadir was missing out on was simple conversations, which although heavenly for Erik, were all really rather pointless and containing nothing of real value. Most of the time he and Christine just talked nonsense, both very aware of the fact.
"Because I know what you're like- ever since Pali planted that stupid idea in your head you've been dizzy with it, the chance to dress yourself up and come across as this perfect gentleman; last night's stupidity is a fine example! I'm trying to stop you dancing blindly into a disaster waiting to happen!" Nadir exploded. "You don't realise- or maybe you do but choose to go ahead with it anyway- how truly catastrophic this could be! These lies, these fantasies...when will they end, Erik? Where will you draw the line and return to the real world?! Because at this rate, when you do achieve your goal of love or marriage of whatever it is you're expecting, you will have reached such a point that it is impossible to go back, because everything will be built from a lie! You cannot be happy knowing that your whole life is a lie- it is impossible!" Nadir took a ragged breath, his face scarlet from the anger and the effort of shouting those impassioned words. "And when the truth does resurface, as I am in no doubt that it will, that lie will crumble and you will be left with nothing. You honestly might as well be trying to woo that wax figure of her you once had."
There was a moment of silence- deafening silence. And then Erik stood up, trembling, and walked slowly and rigidly to the flap of material that was the entrance and exit to the tent. He took this material in his shaking hand and tugged it back, gesturing to the outside world.
"Get out. Now."
The words were ice cold and sounded brittle enough that they could snap.
"Just because you cannot face the reality of what you-"
"I SAID GET OUT!"
By some miracle, Nadir seemed to understand that if he didn't leave, things were going to become very unpleasant. As soon as he was gone, huffing and muttering and cursing under his breath, Erik allowed himself to succumb to the very tears that had welled up and demanded to be known as soon as Nadir had started to rant. He knew it was pitiful and wretched to be so very pathetic, to dissolve into tears like a scolded school boy, but it was not his friend's anger or disapproval that made him weep like a fool. No, it was that tortuous knowledge that everything Nadir has said was true, and that Erik had felt and thought and feared all those things already.
Removing his mask to dry his face, Erik looked down at the facial covering in his hands, so stiff and smooth and unrealistic that he immediately began to question if there was anything real in his life. It was this that he had tormented himself with endlessly through the dark empty nights when sleep was evading him, the endless questions demanding answers that he could not give unless he just forgot about consequences and just did all the things he was unsure about. The very nature of his existence, the constant shadows and doubt and mystery, not to mention the characters he had played and the masks he had worn over the years, made it very difficult for Erik to establish if his life held any fact. Nothing ever seemed black or white in his world- just infinite shades of grey, smothered by shadow and gloom.
And Nadir was right- the lies were a risk, a risk that had him dangerously close to making the same mistakes he had made countless times in his life, which would lead to losing Christine and anything else he cared about. But one thing the Persian didn't appreciate was how terribly good it felt to pretend to be normal- how euphoric it was to be seen by her as a real man, to experience the real awkwardness and surprise and joy of human interaction.
It was like a drug to him; even though he knew it was likely to end badly and leave him in a terrible state, the bliss and pleasure of the present were too much to lose for the sake of the future.
Erik went outside into the morning sunshine, wincing at the light and shielding his eyes, his fingers brushing against his mask, as if to say 'whatever you pretend, some things cannot be evaded.' He felt gloomy and depressed after being subjected to such a serious lecture, and immediately he knew who he wanted to see to cheer him up- but Christine was supposedly impossible to locate. Erik laughed and began to walk through the camp, the lingering weary expression enough to deter any pleasantries, not that he would have received them anyway.
He knew exactly where Christine would be.
At this particular location the clan had chosen, though mainly woodland and the usual cobbled villages nearby, Erik happened to know there was a beach- a rocky, perilous, narrow beach, which was really more just a tiny sliver of coastline that was so regularly beaten and battered by fierce storm waves from the Atlantic that there was an area where the cliff had been eroded and crumbled away, forming a tiny pebbled beach. He remembered when they had first arrived at this location, tasting the distinct salty tang on the tip of his unsuspecting tongue. He had of course mentioned it to Christine, who had then made a heart wrenching observation- it had been a rugged coastline not dissimilar to the one here where she had spent happy days as a child, with her father, and she was desperate to take a little time just to stand and stare at the sea.
Erik knew that she would be doing that right now- stood at the edge of the rocks, her hair flying around her in the sea breeze, her pinks cheek from the cold air and her eyes content as she took in the familiar landscape. There was no doubt about it- that was where Christine had slipped away to. And he intended to join her.
As he made his way to the edge of the greenery, where the vegetation became rough and scattered with large boulder type formations of rock and pebbles, Erik felt a little stab of bitterness that she hadn't asked him to come with her for a walk, as had become their custom. But as least, he told himself as he began the short but steep descent down a rocky slope to the awaiting pebbles below, this way I managed to get some sleep- even if it was interrupted by a whingeing idiot.
The sea air was biting- a refreshing change from the stuffy heat of the tent and his brief sleep spent tossing and turning smothered by blankets. The cold air was merciless, and it blasted away the weariness, invigorating and energising Erik as he stood for a moment and savoured the landscape surrounding him, making him feel tiny and insignificant in comparison. As a devoted dweller of Paris, he had never taken cheery holidays off to the coast and had never wanted to- but now, drinking in the splendour of the nature around him, Erik sincerely wished he had.
The wild, rugged landscape and the almighty roar of the waves as they launched themselves at the helpless coastline was enthralling; as he watched in awe at the majesty of nature, melodies and snatches of song began to collate and form in Erik's mind. As he tore his eyes away from the proud line of the cliff face and the endless surging mass of grey ocean and began to cross over the pebbles, he hummed the snatch of tune that had really struck him to the accompaniment of the gulls crying. The melody, which was now filling his head utterly as he sang it into the breeze, seemed to encapsulate the orchestra of nature in eight mere bars of divine music.
Erik realised, with a heavy heart, that music rather felt like an old, forgotten and probably ill-treated friend- the search for Christine had taken up such a huge amount of his time and energy that music and composing had all been dumped and neglected; even now, he never played for enjoyment as he had done in Paris- it was always in accompaniment to her singing in the clan. He couldn't even remember what it felt like to be sat before his proud organ, the keys spread out obligingly, just begging for him to lay his fingers against them and coax a melody from them.
Erik supposed that there was nothing to stop him from playing the violin of a morning when he was bored and had nothing in particular that needed doing, but recently his moods had been dark and his motivation non-existent. He and Nadir had been clashing more and more, snarling and growling and implying threats like deranged animals, all signs that they were loyal and lasting friends gone from existence. The truth was that they were each far too submerged by their own problems to be rational and understanding with each other- Erik was so lost in confusion and the hectic rush to make Christine fall in love with him that he hardly had the time to be good company, and Nadir was so set upon fighting to prevent Erik from crumbling and languishing that whenever he did speak it was likely to be a critical opinion. They were not gypsies, and did not suit being away from home comforts for so long- Erik only hoped that Nadir was having these same realisations as he was, for he would never dare to say such things to his face.
Christine was stood on the very edge of the shoreline, lost in a trance as she gazed out upon the sea, listening to the faint roaring sound as the sea dragged itself over the pebbles. Erik saw her and the expression on her face and it immediately brought back all his guilt- seeing her look like that, so very vulnerable and lost and alone, it made him wonder if he ought to just tell her the truth. For even though it would likely result in him having to chase her as she ran screaming from him, hurt by the lies and the deceit, Erik was now beginning to question if she would ever greet the truth in a positive way. After all, he knew he would be furious to discover that his whole life was a lie expertly forged by the people he trusted.
But even that wasn't the main reason that Erik actually contemplated telling her the truth then and there- it was still that look on her face, the look of abandonment and helplessness. To not know your own past, to be a stranger in your own life...Erik shuddered.
Christine knew he was there, for she heard the movement of the pebbles, but she was too captivated by the endless rhythm of the sea to turn and face him.
"You found me, then." She commented in a quiet voice, her eyes tracing the path of a seagull as it soared above her, diving and banking and brushing the tips of the waves for no reason at all, save the pleasure of doing so. "I'm sorry I didn't ask you along this time, it was still early and I- I wanted to see the sun rise. It's so beautiful here, and so calm. I feel as if...as if I'm allowed to stand here in silence and no one will wonder why. It doesn't matter that I'm different, that I can't remember things...the sea is still the sea, the sky is still the sky and I am just another person looking out upon it all and thinking how beautiful it is." She did turn and look at him then, slightly embarrassed. "Sorry- you must think that I'm utterly mad."
"Not at all. And don't apologise- I don't blame you for wanting to be alone." Erik carefully moved to stand beside her, sinking a little in the pebbles. The salty breeze was starting to make his face tingle, and he was for once glad of his mask, for it meant that some of his face was warm.
"I don't...I don't want to be alone, though." She whispered, wrapping her arms around herself and wondering in a snatch of idiocy if she was missed by someone somewhere, if there was anyone desperately trying to find her.
Erik watched her with eyes that were ancient with sadness. He didn't quite know where this sudden sadness of hers had come from- perhaps it was due to the several nightmares last night (after she had kissed him still asleep, Christine had actually woken herself by screaming several times- Erik had believed that he would have a heart attack before the night was out) or maybe just the fact she had at last managed to slip away and stand in front of the sea. His instincts were screaming out, telling him to wrap his arms around her and let her cry out all her worries and concerns- to sob out all the horror and the feelings of solitude that he knew where behind her feeling so downcast and depressed.
For if there was anyone in the world who understood what solitude and loneliness made you feel, it was Erik. He knew, all too well, those awful feelings of rejection, of being cast out of civilisation, or feeling as if you were not worth the company of those around you- a little bug to be squashed rather than a human being. He also knew, with painful clarity, how the feeling of being worthless would originate deep within, something that could be scorned and ignored and forgotten at first, but it would grow with time and slowly poison you until all you said and heard and did and saw became an arrow or dagger, attacking you and your confidence again and again until even looking at your reflection became an impossible task.
Yes, Erik knew solitude as if it were an old friend. But at least those years of self-hatred, of writhing in the dark and misery of his own mind, gave him the experience and the knowledge of what to say to Christine now that she suffered.
"Christine, you are not alone." He said softly, turning to her and reaching for her hand, taking it to try and show her that she would never be alone again. She had saved him from solitude and sadness, bursting into his life in a riot of hope and light and love, transforming his existence from one of shame to one of purpose. If he could now offer her the same, it would mean that his miserable existence had come full circle. "You know...I will be here, always. And Pali, though he is a far less civilised and sane companion. And even that old blockhead Nadir is there for you, though I wager that you'll soon tire of his incessant whingeing and moaning."
Christine laughed. It was a sound that suited her- it made Erik think that she was the kind of person whose smile should never leave their face, that their eyes should never stop sparkling. She gently squeezed his hand in a manner that spoke of her infinite gratitude more than words could ever hope to express. Erik found a smile for her in return; an odd looking and likely to be hideous smile, but a smile all the same.
"Erik, I don't know how, but you always seem to know exactly what to say." She smiled, but this time there was something weary about it. "May I ask you something?" Erik nodded, curious. "I am going to sound mad again...have you ever felt that you are existing in pieces, never truly together and whole, as if you are missing something vital to your happiness yet you have no clue as to what exactly it is?"
It took Erik a moment to regain the ability to speak, marvelling at how truly wondrous this amazing woman was. Somehow, she had managed to put into words the feelings he had lived with his whole life and had never been quite able to articulate- she had summarised his existence in one mere sentence and now he could barely keep the astonishment from his face. Existing in pieces...yes, shattered pieces- the only difference was that Erik knew exactly what the vital missing component was, and she was standing before him now.
He nodded to answer her question, still not trusting himself to speak.
"It's funny...you must forgive me for saying some of these things, especially if they- if they make you feel odd or uncomfortable. I never know what I should and shouldn't say..." she faltered for a moment, slipping her hand out of his and turning away from him to look at the sea again, as if that would make it easier for the words to flow. "Perhaps it is because you are so kind to me, or maybe it is just me being insane, but...Erik, since I met you, it feels as if- I don't know how to describe it. As if my life is no longer in pieces, in shards...as if I have been completed, somehow."
She turned to face him again, her cheeks glowing pink with the embarrassment but her eyes set with a determination to continue, to finish what she had started. Erik felt frozen as he looked at her, the realisation dawning on him- this was what Nadir had been warning about, this was what he had feared; he hadn't expected it to occur so soon, so quickly and problem free, but it was happening and he couldn't stop it now. Christine was falling in love with the lie. Erik felt his heart throb painfully inside his chest, his head spinning- for if this was a lie, a fantasy he had crafted, then why did her words seem to make such sense?!
"It feels as though I have known you far longer than the actual time we have spent together. It's strange." She laughed a little awkwardly. "And I'm only telling you all this and making a complete fool of myself because I want to tell you how- how truly grateful I am for everything you have done. By helping me, even with the simple things like encouraging me to enjoy singing again, you have changed what was an unbearable life into a much happier one. And I suspect that you will soon leave the clan-"
"What? Why do you say that?!" he burst in, suddenly able to speak again. She seemed astonished by the explosion, wary of how violent the exclamation had been.
"Well, I can see that you're unhappy here. I don't blame you at all- given the chance, I would leave." She pulled a face, making a joke of it when her words were truthfully bitter and held a far stronger meaning than she made out.
"That doesn't mean a thing- I still have to earn money. I still need the income that the clan provides, regardless of anything else." He retorted weakly.
"Erik!" she laughed honestly now, shoving him so that he nearly toppled over onto the bed of pebbles underfoot. "You can't honestly think I believe that? With your talents, you could play music for world renowned opera houses and theatres- even the royal court, I'm sure! Besides, even a job playing tunes in a bar full of drunkards every night is better than the clan- and don't say otherwise, as I know that you agree."
"Perhaps you are right then." He smiled at her, and the smile he received in return was sad. "But, Christine..." he paused, seeing her interest catch and knowing that there was no going back now. He really ought to have discussed this with someone- if not that prig Nadir, then Pali, because there was still a large part of him that knew this was a bad idea. But he wanted to say the words so much that they were already there, dancing on the tip of his tongue, urging him onwards and favouring the spontaneous option to just blurt them out regardless of consequence. He knew that one thing was guaranteed- if he went through with what he was intending, Christine would recall all her memories and thus the truth. But his heart was influencing this decision, reminding him that no matter what he suffered, if Christine ceased to feel alone and vulnerable, nothing else mattered. He took a deep breath, hoping that he wasn't sealing his fate...again. "It is true that I am unhappy here and I dislike the clan. My friend Nadir has a home in Paris, and I know that he desperately wishes to return soon. It is rash and very improper for me to suggest this...but if you so wished, you could come with us. To Paris. And perhaps, with your consent, we could try to- to find your past."
Christine, who had been watching him intently, seemed to realise what exactly he was offering, the extent to which it would change her life. Her face instantaneously drained of all colour and her hands, trembling, flew to her mouth.
"Oh my goodness." She staggered, nearly falling over so Erik had to catch her so that she didn't fall to the hard pebbles and give herself yet another head injury. Then, she began to cry, great hiccupping sobs, tears streaming down her face as she tried to wipe them all away. "You mean it? You- you truly mean it?!"
"Every word." He replied gently. She attacked him then, gripping him in a vice tight hug, continuing to sob like a child- even though Erik was still fearful of what this was going to cause, he knew then that he had done the right thing. He stroked her hair tenderly as she wept, pleased that she was so moved by the offer. "I'll talk to Pali as soon as I can, and he'll see what he can do about getting you out of this slavery circus."
Christine was so overcome by what he was offering her that she found it impossible to stop crying, even after they stood on the pebbles for a good half an hour trying to calm her down. Even when she said something completely unrelated, to try and distract herself, she would then turn back to Erik and burst into a set of fresh tears.
She was embarrassed by how pathetic she was being, but at the same time, she honestly didn't care. She was so happy in that moment that she would happily be seen by the whole gypsy clan, red faced and puffy eyed, because nothing could ruin this elation.
"Erik, you truly are the kindest, most wonderful man I have ever known." She said again as they climbed back up the steep slope and began to walk towards the woodland greenery. Then she seemed to realise something, and stopped in horror. "I have nothing to offer you in return, to say thank you! Oh!"
"That hardly matters. All I want is for you to be happy, and to stay happy Christine." He replied truthfully.
"Oh, dear God, you've made me cry again!" she protested tearfully, but smiling as they cascaded down her face. Erik smiled- it was truly beautiful to see. "I don't think that I have ever cried out of happiness or joy before- or smiled like this. You have made me so happy, Erik; you may have my silly tears if you wish, for they are the only way I can show you what you have done for me."
"Christine, they are not silly." He paused and reached out to wipe one away, holding it on the end of a gloved finger and examining it. "No emperor received so fair a gift."
The look in her eyes when he said those words from long ago was worth even more than her tears.