Chapter 4 – What the Heart Wants

Shepard was running. Even as his mind continued to uselessly twist itself into knots his heart and body knew better what to do. As he topped the staircase and began sprinting down the hall toward where the Hammerhead waited, he glanced down at Tali. She was so light as he ran carrying her, so very light, part of him feared she would simply evaporate, like mist in the morning sun.

Shepard mentally slapped himself. What the hell was going on with his head? Waxing poetic in the midst of this crisis was worse than useless. Maybe he shouldn't get his head in the game, as muddled as his thinking seemed to be. He let his instincts guide him, and his trust in his friends.

Thankfully, Mordin had turned the Hammerhead around after taking out the guards at the top of the stairs. Shepard was able to run straight through the hole in the bathroom wall and into the APC. "Mordin! Take care of her while I get us going toward Nos Astra." Shepard set Tali down as gently as he could and leapt for the Hammerhead's controls. Mordin pulled out more medical supplies and propped Tali's head up. He checked the emergency bandage he had applied to her shoulder. It was soaked through with blood.

Shepard shoved the throttle fully open and accelerated away from the damaged structure. He leaned on the boosters, trying to maintain as much speed as he could. The boosters quickly reaching a near constant state of overheating.

"Shepard. Will take too long to reach assistance using only available speed."

Shepard forced his mind into motion. He had one last arrow in his quiver. Garrus was in Nos Astra. Not stuck on the Normandy as the rest of the crew was, but in the city itself. Garrus had purchased the LOKI mechs for their diversion and remained in the city in case Liara needed assistance. If he called for Garrus' help now, Liara would be on her own. Shepard had activated the comm before his mind fully grasped that he was going to do everything he could to save Tali. He had put her in this situation and she had selflessly protected him. He realized that at his core, he simply could not accept losing her. He would help Liara how he could once Tali was safe.

"Garrus here. What's your status, Shepard?"

"Garrus! We've got an emergency here. Tali's been shot in the shoulder and she's been poisoned. We've got to get her to a real hospital. We're headed toward Nos Astra, but the Hammerhead isn't going to cut it. The crew is stuck on the Normandy and I don't know who we can trust there, so I need you to go straight to the professionals. Go to the hospital and grab an emergency crew. They have to have ambulance shuttles for emergencies like this. They won't need clearance and they are less likely to be on an assassin's payroll, I hope. Get them out here to pick up Tali. I'll keep doing what I can to shorten the distance, but I need you to make this happen, Garrus. Beg, bribe, or threaten, but get that shuttle to us. Mordin has the chemical formula of the poison. He'll send it now." Shepard looked back at Mordin and was relieved to see Mordin keying the commands into his omni-tool.

"The Exterminator got away, Garrus. He ran on a skycycle. We have no idea where he is now or what he'll do next. We'll deal with that when we have to, but watch your back."

"You too, Shepard. I'll contact you when I have help on the way. Garrus out."

Shepard sagged in his seat. His hand hovered over the booster control, pushing every bit of speed out of the vehicle he could. The overheat warning sirens were nearly constant.

"There's a problem with the engines. The alarms keep going off. I better fix them or we'll never make the relay." Tali had come around to a groggy consciousness. The vehicle shook as Shepard boosted over a rock outcropping. "Keelah, what is Joker doing? He's…not usually such a…bad pilot."

Mordin leaned down so Tali could easily see him and spoke gently to her. "Hello, Tali'Zorah. Ship is functioning adequately, though pilot is having some issues. You are in need of rest to aid in recovery from a slight injury. Are you feeling any discomfort?"

"It's…hot. I need to adjust my suit settings. Are we…on Ilium yet? I told Shepard I needed…some supplies…for my suit."

Shepard's concern spiked hearing how weak and disoriented Tali sounded. "Mordin, what's going on? How is she doing?"

"Tali shifted her head and looked directly at Mordin. "Mordin! When did you get here? Are you…coming to Ilium too?" Tali reached her right hand up to touch Mordin's face. "Do you want to know a secret, Mordin? I told Shepard that I needed supplies…for my suit, but I lied." Tali giggled at her secret. "We were just on the…Migrant Fleet. They had all the supplies I might need. I just wanted…to spend time with Shepard. He's been in so much pain. And he hides it soooo badly. I want to…be there…for him. I…don't…want him to…hurt. He deserves… I want…to…" Tali's words trailed off as she began spasming uncontrollably. Mordin worked silently, accessing her suit protocols and his own supplies to keep her alive.

Shepard stared straight ahead, trying to breathe. She saw his pain and was there for him. She didn't try to fix it, or tell him what to do, or how to make it better. She was just there for him. From the very beginning. Easing his pain with her gentle presence. Distracting him with her tales of her people. Lifting his spirits with her enthusiasm. Being there for him, despite the cost to herself. Shepard shook his head. He knew he could be oblivious, but he did try to learn. Right now he knew if he got lost in these feelings it would put Tali at risk, so he pushed everything to the side and focused on her safety.

"What's going on, Mordin? Is there anything else you can do for her?"

"Need to get to hospital, Shepard. Toxin continuing to suppress numerous biological systems. Body temperature is climbing. Immune reaction and toxin impact exacerbated by projectiles remaining lodged in her left shoulder muscle."

"What! Can't you get that out of her?"

"Negative, Shepard. Without sterile environment attempting to withdraw the projectiles would introduce a significant amount of contaminants to the wound and severely exacerbate the immune reaction. Given amount of time projectiles have been in the body risk of removal outweighs benefits."

So it was either get to a hospital quickly, or watch Tali die. Shepard opened a communications channel. "Garrus, please tell me you're on the way."

"We just left, Shepard. I was able to come to an arrangement with a private ambulance company. They have standing permission for emergency flights, so we're bypassing any bureaucratic interference. Keep this channel open and we'll home in on the signal and reach you in…", there was a pause as Garrus leaned away from the comm, "…four minutes."

Shepard knew there was some risk that if the Exterminator had the wherewithal he could potentially track the signal as well. Given how the Exterminator had been forced to flee it seemed unlikely to Shepard that he would be prepared to retaliate so quickly. Shepard also found he did not really care. Tali needed that shuttle right now. "Channel is open, Garrus. Shave off every second you can, for Tali's sake."

Shepard pushed the boosters as far as he could. There was no doubt they would need extensive recalibration after this was over. Shepard knew Garrus could handle that. He watched his scanners as the minutes ticked by.

"We have you in sight, Shepard. We're descending now. Stop and get ready to transfer Tali to the shuttle." Shepard brought the Hammerhead to a stop and opened the rear boarding hatch. Mordin stepped back as Shepard again lifted the unconscious Tali into his arms. He hurried out of the Hammerhead and saw the shuttle make a rapid landing a few dozen yards away, kicking up clouds of dust and debris. Shepard raced through the swirling clouds of dust, trusting that Mordin had sufficiently protected Tali's wounded shoulder. The shuttle door had barely begun to open when Shepard was sliding Tali onto the stretcher they had been preparing to bring to the Hammerhead.

Two Asari med-techs moved to begin treating Tali. Shepard turned to Mordin, who had approached as he had gotten Tali onto the stretcher. "Mordin, make sure these two know everything about Tali's injury. Help them on the flight back however you can. Garrus, take the Hammerhead back to Nos Astra. I'm going on the shuttle with Tali."

Garrus simply looked at Shepard a moment before nodding his head. "Keep me in the loop as to how she's doing, Shepard. I'll get back as quickly as I can." Garrus turned and headed toward the Hammerhead.

Mordin had already entered the shuttle. Shepard climbed in as well and took a seat as far out of the way of the three of them as possible, but where he could still see what they were doing. The shuttle lifted off and turned back toward Nos Astra.

The Asari and Mordin were chattering back and forth. Shepard let the nearly unintelligible jargon flow over him, understanding the occasional term. He gathered they had gotten the formula for the toxin and an anti-toxin was being prepared. Tali would receive this when they reached the hospital, where she would immediately undergo surgery to remove the projectiles from her shoulder.

Shepard sat and watched Tali, willing her to keep breathing, feeling his heart in his throat every time that breathing paused. He suddenly realized how much he would miss her if she were gone. The long talks they had shared, her love of ships, her enthusiasm for her people. The way she had always been there for him, giving freely and asking nothing in return. Even when she needed help he had nearly had to insist on helping, like she was embarrassed that she might need him to help her. He realized just how much he truly looked forward to her company.

The fear of losing her surged through him as alarms began sounding from the biomonitors they had linked to Tali's suit. "She's fibrillating. Accessing stimulant and defibrillation programs. No effect. Boosting stimulation levels." The Asari tech was so calm. So matter of fact. A professionalism Shepard might have appreciated had he not been on the verge of screaming.

"You've got to do something ! Do something! Do something!" Shepard was screaming. Uselessly and disruptively. The tech glanced toward Mordin, who was already moving to redirect Shepard.

"Shepard, look at me. Shepard. Look at me. Look at me." Mordin very calmly got Shepard to meet his large eyes. "Medical technician is doing all she possibly can. Nearly to the hospital. Hysterics understandable, but counter-productive. Need you to cease distractions. Remember your own professionalism, Shepard. You know this is not helping Tali'Zorah."

He was right of course. Where the hell had his professionalism gone? He took three deep breaths, slowing himself down. He found he really didn't feel any calmer, but at least he wasn't screaming at anyone, though he still wanted to.

The techs were talking between themselves as they continued to work on Tali. One of them spoke to the Asari pilot. "We need to make an emergency landing. Her vitals are crashing. Inform them we need the anti-toxin immediately on landing and to take her directly to surgery."

Shepard heard the pilot's acknowledgement. She forwarded this information to the hospital and the shuttle immediately angled into a steep descent. It took only seconds for the shuttle to come to a rest on a landing pad. Seconds more passed as the hospital personnel rushed to the shuttle. More time as they transferred Tali from the shuttle and hurried with her toward the hospital. Shepard followed them out of the shuttle. Willing them to hurry. Willing them to not waste a single precious second that Tali might need to survive this. He followed them into the building. He followed down the hallway. He tried to follow them into the elevator, but was stopped by someone he took for a nurse.

"I'm sorry, but she's going to emergency surgery. That's a restricted area. You aren't allowed to accompany her."

Shepard looked at the unassuming Asari who had interposed herself between him and the woman…crewmember…he cared about. For a brief moment he thought of simply pushing her aside, but he saw Mordin gesturing for him to stay calm. Mordin was being allowed into the elevator. The nurse gestured at Shepard and stated, "Please, she is going into a sterile area." Shepard looked down at himself and realized he was coated in the dust, dirt, and blood of the day's combat. Insisting on accompanying them would only slow Tali getting the help she so desperately needed as well as create even more decontamination issues. Shepard stood, stiff with tension, as the elevator doors closed. The nurse remained in front of him, still concerned about what he might do.

"Please. I'm Commander Shepard. I need to know that she is going to be okay. She's part of my crew, my friend, my…responsibility. Please, I need to know she is okay."

The nurse stood considering the situation for several seconds. "Come with me. I'll give you access to the observation theater for the operating room she is going to. I would recommend you get cleaned up. I would also ask that you remove your armor and weapons. This is a hospital after all."

"I'll get cleaned up once I know that Tali is going to be okay. I need to keep my weapon. I'll assert Spectre authority if need be. Now, please take me to that observation theater."

The nurse looked none too pleased with Shepard's response, but apparently came to the conclusion that arguing would create more disruption than acquiescing, at least in this case. She led him through the corridors to a different elevator. They were followed by stares and whispered comments.

Finally, Shepard was escorted to a small room with a bank of large windows that looked down into an operating room. Three different displays provided views of the procedures that were just beginning in the room below. The room was tiered with steps leading downward to the windows. It could hold at least twenty people, though there were only three others present at the moment. Shepard barely glanced at them as he absent-mindedly thanked the nurse and hurried to the windows.

It was clear that Tali had only just been wheeled into the room. She was surrounded by a half-dozen medical personnel. Shepard pressed his face against the window and listened to the audio pickups from the display next to him.

"The anti-toxin has been administered. We're maintaining cardiac and pulmonary stimulation until her body can sustain those functions on its own."

"The projectiles destroyed the primary shoulder seal. Her suit is still a source of foreign material, even with the decontamination procedures. We're going to need to remove the suit. We need to make sure we maintain an absolutely sterile environment as we proceed."

"I want every file we have on Quarian biology pulled up and ready to access. I haven't done procedures with very many Quarians and I want to make sure we double-check everything."

"Oh, yeah. They're going to pull the helmet. Zoom in on her face. I want to get a good look when they crack her suit." That last had not come from the operating theater below, but from behind Shepard. He whipped around and realized that the number of people in the room had grown. There had to be close to twenty people staring at the displays and windows. He had been so focused on Tali he had not heard them enter, but he heard them now.

"I've never seen a Quarian."

"What do you think she'll be, hot or not?"

"Hah, Jenessa will be pissed she called in sick today and missed this."

"Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes…"

Shepard felt his anger spike. He hated the feeling of helplessness as he watched Tali fight for her life. That fear and frustration shifted to anger as he realized this crowd was gathering not to learn or support, but to gawk. They were voyeurs, here to sate their prurient desire to see Tali unmasked. To ogle the exposed Quarian as she struggled from one breath to the next. It would be a violation of her at her most vulnerable. Shepard turned and faced the room. "This room is off limits as of right now. Everyone out." Shepard's voice was calm, deadly calm. Some of the more perceptive gawkers realized this and made to leave the room, but a particularly officious Asari near Shepard spoke up to argue.

"Who are you to tell us we can or can't be here. This is a teaching hospital and we have permission to observe…Oh, Goddess!" Shepard did not recall drawing his pistol, but he held it now, low and to his side, turned so the profile of the weapon was visible. It wasn't aimed at anybody, but the message was unmistakable. The ones inclined to argue looked more fully at him, took in his blood and dust smeared armor, the weapon he brandished, and the murderous look in his eyes. Within seconds, the room had cleared. Shepard was relieved to see the doctors below had not yet removed Tali's helmet. He reached up and turned off the visual displays. He had briefly considered dramatically shooting them out, but realized there was now no one present to appreciate the gesture. He also refrained for the same reason he had not pointed his pistol at any of those he had driven from the room. If he caused too much disruption the immunity offered by his Spectre status might well run out.

Shepard strode up the steps of the observation theater and positioned himself in the one doorway. There he stood guard, blocking those who would intrude like, well, like guard dog, Cerberus. A dark chuckle forced its way out of Shepard as he contemplated this image and its connection to his current allies. He stood and listened to the low beeps from the still active audio feed that signaled the beating of Tali's heart. He willed those beeps to continue.

Tali came slowly to consciousness. She laid still, eyes closed, trying to determine her surroundings. She was lying down, propped up at an angle. She could smell the antiseptics and cleanliness that spoke of an environment not just clean, but sterile. She realized she smelled these odors with her own senses, feeling the cool air of the room and the material covering her with her bare skin. Her eyes shot open as she felt a sense of panic and vulnerability. With no suit between her and whatever was around her she was exposed in every sense of the word. She calmed her mind, not wanting to give herself away before she assessed the situation. She was alive. Her shoulder hurt, but it was a distant ache, not the searing pain she remembered from the moments after she stepped between Shepard and the sniper. The thought of Shepard, and the realization that she had no idea what had happened to him, shattered the calm she had been trying to cultivate. She shot upright in the bed, calling out Shepard's name, grateful for whatever painkillers were allowing her to ignore the sudden lancing of pain through her shoulder.

Sitting up, she could see there was another figure sitting in a chair across the room, his back to the room and the bed in which Tali lay. The figure reacted to her movement and sudden exclamation, jumping to his feet, but not turning around. She could see the figure was wearing a sterile environment suit that covered him from head to toe. Despite only seeing this fully suited figure from the back, she recognized who it was. From his movements, stature, and posture, she knew this was the very man she had called for. Commander Shepard was there in her room.

Shepard had been contemplating the same wall he had been contemplating for the past few hours. He had posted a warning to Liara, though he was sure she was already aware of his failure to eliminate her would be assassin. Garrus had returned to Nos Astra and was in the city, prepared to assist Liara if the opportunity presented itself. Shepard could only wait. Wait for Liara to contact him. Wait for the Exterminator to reveal what his next move would be. Wait for the Normandy to be released from lockdown. Wait for Tali to recover from her injury and poisoning, if she was going to. He chose not to contemplate that last possibility. He was finding it difficult enough to think through what he was feeling, what he would do when she awoke. Not if, when. Perhaps it was only superstition, but Shepard hoped a positive attitude would contribute to her recovery. Then, well, he'd figure out what he was feeling if they reached that point.

Shepard was struggling with these thoughts when he suddenly heard his name called out from behind him and heard the rustle of the bed coverings. He shot to his feet, almost turning around, almost looking at her, almost violating her as she lay at her most vulnerable. In his opinion, that would make him no better than the voyeurs he had driven from the operating theater. He had spent the last four hours in this room, waiting for her to recover, refusing to steal even a glance at her, despite the temptation to do so. Never, without her permission.

"Shepard, are you okay? What happened? Is the Exterminator dead?

Shepard was surprised she could recognize him. He was fully covered from head to toe in an unfamiliar sealed suit to maintain the sterile room environment. He had been required to clean up and remove his armor before he was allowed to enter the room. He still had his pistol, decontaminated before he entered. Perhaps she had recognized it. "It's me, Tali. How did you recognize me?"

"I'm a Quarian, Shepard. My whole life has been spent reading body language and recognizing people without being able to see their faces. I realized it was you the moment you stood up. And it…was a relief. I woke up scared, Shepard. Scared of what might have happened to you. Scared of my own vulnerability without my suit. That all vanished the moment I knew you were safe and here with me."

"You scared the hell out of me, Tali. When you fell, when I saw your blood, when I knew that I might lose you, I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I could only do what I could to get you to help, and curse my own uselessness. We didn't get the Exterminator, Tali. He got away." Shepard clenched his fists and shifted from one foot to the other. His frustration had no outlet. He wanted to turn around, to see Tali. To see her safe and alive. He refused, continuing to stare at the corner with which he'd become so thoroughly familiar over the past few hours.

"Is Liara safe, Shepard? Have you been able to reach her to let her know?"

Shepard let out a sigh at the…well, he didn't know what he was feeling about Liara. Frustration? Disappointment? Confusion?. "I've put word out in places I think she would check, Tali. I've done everything I can regarding Liara. I'll still help if I get the chance, but I've done what I can." Shepard realized he was talking about more than trying to eliminate her assassin. He got the impression Tali might have realized this as well.

"You have done everything you can, Shepard, for me, for everyone who's ever needed you. It's about time somebody told you that. Gave you the appreciation you deserve." Tali paused taking in an audible breath. "Shepard…why are you facing the wall? Why am I talking to the back of your head?"

Shepard took a few moments to answer. "You've told me a lot about your people, Tali. About your customs and social practices. I know that showing your face to somebody is far more meaningful among your people than among humans. It felt like it would be a…betrayal, a…violation to disregard what wishes you might have, to take advantage of the situation to see you without your permission."

Several seconds passed in silence. Shepard became more nervous as he pictured every possible negative reaction Tali might realistically or unrealistically have to the situation. Finally, she spoke, an air of nostalgia in her voice tone. "I remember those conversations. I was so nervous to be aboard the Normandy, aboard the ship of the first human Spectre. You might have noticed that I tend to talk a lot when I get nervous. When you would visit me I was worried I would be boring, so I talked, then I was afraid all my talk was boring you, but I had a hard time not talking when you would visit…"

Shepard realized Tali was talking a lot. He wanted to put her mind at ease. "Tali. My visits to you, the stories you shared about your people, those are some of the best memories I have from our time on the original Normandy. I looked forward to those visits, just like I look forward to our conversations now. I've missed those conversations so much…" Shepard came to a realization, "I've missed you, Tali."

Shepard heard Tali inhale sharply. There was another pause of several seconds during which it was Shepard who was feeling particularly vulnerable. He wasn't sure himself what it meant that he had been missing her so much, but he knew that he could get hurt again, depending on Tali's reaction.

"Please, turn around, Shepard. Talk with me, face to face."

It was Shepard's turn to inhale sharply. "Are you sure, Tali. I know this matters."

"I'm sure, Shepard. You've been there for me. From the first moment we met you've been there for me. You were there to help when the Fist betrayed me. You were there when I needed the Geth data to complete my pilgrimage. You were there at Freedom's Progress, on Haestrom, when my own people turned against me. When my father betrayed our principles. You've always been there, so I've tried to be there for you. You are my captain, my friend, and…" Tali paused, hesitating. "I trust you, Shepard. I want you to see me as I am. And I want to see you with my own eyes."

Shepard took a deep breath, as if he was about to jump from a height and once he jumped could not go back. He turned slowly, keeping his eyes lowered. It was not until he had turned fully around that he raised his eyes to look at her.

She lay in the hospital bed, propped up at an angle. She looked so, human. But clearly not human. Her masses of dark hair, more than he would have pictured, hung in lank strands, likely from her recent ordeal and fever. Her eyes glowed with a soft, white bioluminescence. Her skin was pale, so pale from a lifetime of wearing an environmental suit. He could see a faint patterning in her skin, almost a striping with visible markings of cybernetic implants. She was alien, but still exotically beautiful by human standards. Shepard realized he was staring. He tried to sound easygoing as he stated, "So, this is what a Quarian looks like."

Tali became more visibly nervous, pulling the sheet covering her upper body up to her chin in a protective manner and he kicked himself for sounding like he was judging her looks. He realized that with her shoulder injury and surgery the Asari staff had not put a hospital gown on Tali. She was likely feeling even more vulnerable as a result. Shepard tried again. "I'm sorry, Tali. That sounded judgmental. I'm afraid I'm feeling nervous about seeing you without your helmet. I am honored that you trust me enough to allow me to see your face."

"It's okay, Shepard. I'm feeling pretty nervous too. I guess I want you to…like what you see."

"You were beautiful before I ever turned around, Tali." Shepard meant that, but he also knew Tali needed an honest, straightforward answer. "I don't know what Quarians consider to be attractive, Tali, but I can honestly say that to my eyes you are beautiful." As Shepard said this, he had to admit he wasn't exaggerating a bit. By human standards Tali really was beautiful.

Tali seemed to be experiencing a combination of nervousness and relief. "I appreciate that, Shepard. To be honest I have always thought you were handsome as well, though you are less purple now than I'm used to."

Shepard had to laugh at this. Both because of the nerves they were both feeling and because he realized she was likely used to seeing the whole world in more shades of purple, given the tinting of her helmet faceplate. "Well, I hope that I'm still handsome without my usual purple", Shepard joked.

"Oh, yes." Tali suddenly got nervous at being so forward and changed the subject. "It's interesting to see the difference in colors seeing things without my helmet. For instance I can clearly see the amazing colors of that bouquet on the table at the end of my bed. Those flowers can't be real, can they?"

Shepard looked at the arrangement of flowers. They were the most colorful he could find in the hospital gift shop. Red tulip-like flowers, blue roses, white, yellow, and purple alien varieties he couldn't name. They stood out dramatically in contrast to the monotone clean room. "They're artificial. They went through decontamination before they were allowed in the room. While you were unconscious I was thinking back on all our conversations. I remembered how on the Alarei you talked about never being able to smell a flower. When you woke up I wanted you to have something better to look at than this bare room. And I wanted you to know I was thinking of you, that I care."

Tali had gotten quiet again. "You remember all that, Shepard? I was angry when I said that, venting my frustration. I never expected you would…that it would matter."

"Everything we've talked about has mattered, Tali. You matter to me."

Tali cocked her head to indicate a smile, the same way she did when wearing her helmet. Shepard could see that she also smiled with her mouth and face. Life in a suit, cut off from most facial social cues, had not eliminated those facial expressions. She continued to struggle with a combination of nervousness and pleasure, again changing the subject. "I'm confused, Shepard. If you brought me those flowers, then what is this on the table next to me?"

Next to her was a long box, clearly labeled as coming from the hospital flower shop. The box was tied with a neat, red bow. Shepard smiled at Tali. "I thought after such a rough day you might like to have something familiar handy. Go on, open it. Be careful though, it is a little heavy."

Tali reached over and carefully took the box into her lap. She winced slightly, but found she had the strength to handle the box, which was indeed a bit heavy. She untied the ribbon holding it closed and lifted the lid. Tali smiled and sighed as she looked at the contents of the box. "Oh, Shepard. You really know how to treat a lady."

"Don't worry. Mordin made sure it was safe to bring in here. Just don't go flashing it around to the staff. They seem anxious enough as it is."

"I won't, Shepard, don't worry." Tali paused, again cocking her head to the side. "But you do, don't you. You do worry about me. You do…care about me?"

Shepard took a deep breath before the plunge. "I do, Tali. I think about you often and I've recently realized that those times are the times I'm happiest. When you agreed to rejoin me after your mission on Haestrom it made me incredibly happy. When the Admirals tried to use you in their political games I wanted to tear them apart, and ended up doing it verbally. I told myself I was doing this because you were my crewmember, that I'd do that for anyone else in my crew. But I see now it's more than that. I'm still figuring it out myself, but do I care? Yes, I care about you, Tali. Very much." Every word had felt like a terrifying relief to Shepard. He wasn't sure how it could be both at the same time, but it was.

Shepard stepped to her bedside. His glove felt bulky and cumbersome as he reached to take her hand. He held her hand between both his and looked through the faceplate of his clean suit. She reached up with her free hand, wincing slightly at the motion, and touched the material covering his face. He couldn't feel her touch, could barely feel her hand through the gloves he wore. He wanted to rip off the suit and hug her, hold her, but knew it would only cause her harm. He let out a long breath and sighed. "I think I get it, Tali. Maybe just a little, but I think I get it."

Tali smiled at Shepard, taking his hands in both of hers. She squeezed his hands through the gloves, making sure he could feel her touch as much as possible. She seemed like a weight had been lifted from her. "I care about you too, Shepard. I…I think we should talk more about this again. After I've had a chance to recover. I need to think about this."

"Of course, Tali. Take all the time you need. I'll step out to check on things and let you get some rest, but I'll be back soon."

"I'll be here, Shepard."

"I know."

Shepard turned back to look at her twice in crossing the short distance to the door. The door led to an antechamber where anyone entering the room would go through decontamination first. Shepard opened the door and stepped into the chamber, looking back at Tali again through the window into the room. He stood there several seconds until he remembered he had to manually trigger the decontamination before the outer door would open. He was not sure how long he would have stood there looking at her had he not recalled this.

As Shepard entered the outer hallway his instincts warned him something was wrong. He glanced up and down the hallway. Since Tali had entered the hospital with a gunshot wound she had been admitted to a secure area after her surgery. To the left the windowless hallway continued past another unoccupied isolation room to an emergency staircase. To the right the hallway continued past another empty isolation room and storage area to an elevator and staircase. Placed intermittently in the hallway were large planters that were entirely failing to alleviate the sterile impact of the bare metal and harsh hospital lighting. The usual Asari efforts at beautification did not seem to extend to this secure level. When Tali had arrived at the room a guard had been stationed in the hallway. That guard was nowhere to be seen.

To the far right the elevator opened and an Asari, a Turian, and a Human in the uniform of hospital orderlies exited pushing a gurney. The gurney held a sheet covering a lump that could have been a body, though Shepard did not believe that any more than he believed the eclectic group were really orderlies. His instincts told him they were thugs, and Shepard had learned long ago to trust his instincts.

Shepard knew he was in no position for a stand-up fight. He was wearing an environment suit that offered no armor or shields. He only had the pistol he had refused to give up and a couple spare thermal clips. And no medi-gel. He was in the middle of a hospital and couldn't afford to be injured. As the 'orderlies' looked up and saw Shepard standing in the hallway they reached for the gurney. Shepard had already drawn his pistol and was confident enough in his assessment to put two shots into the chest of the Asari. Shepard had no shields to counter biotics and so took out the most obvious threat in that regard. Shepard dove between two of the planters for cover as the 'orderlies' pulled weapons from under the concealment of the sheet. They opened fire with submachine guns, but Shepard had reached his cover, thankful for the durable containers and masses of dirt. The leafy plants they contained were not so fortunate as they were shredded by the hail of shots.

Shepard's mind had started processing the situation before he had finished his dive into cover. The thugs firing at him seemed less skilled, less professional than the ones he had run into at the Exterminator's base. Maybe the B-team or even local mercs the Exterminator had been forced to hire due to the loss of his other men. He was relatively safe in the cover of the planters, but escaping would be a problem, especially if they managed to approach from the emergency exit behind him as well. And he immediately knew he couldn't leave Tali. She couldn't leave the isolation room and if he were to slip away they might take their frustration out on her. Hell, even stray shots or ricochets ran the risk of damaging the antechamber. No, he wasn't going anywhere. His best chance was to run out the clock on whatever deal the Exterminator had made. Security wouldn't be able to ignore gunfire for long. He just needed to buy time.

Suddenly, a low hum signaled to Shepard that a biotic Singularity was forming. He jammed one knee into the crevice between the planter and the wall. He gripped the lip of the planter with his free hand and braced his pistol against the planter. Even so, if not for his enhanced strength he would have been ripped loose into the swirling gravity well of the Singularity. Shepard glanced down the hallway and saw that the damned Human had his arm extended, creating and maintaining the biotic attack. Shepard, barely holding his own against the gravitational forces, had no hope of aiming and hitting anything. The thugs seemed to recognize this and began approaching up the hallway, weapons aimed to fire the moment Shepard was forced into view.

Shepard watched as the shredded remnants of the greenery were pulled from the planter to whirl about the Singularity. Clumps of packed dirt followed. Shepard braced himself against the planter and exerted his considerable strength to shake it, loosening the packed dirt that had been mostly resisting the Singularity. As the thugs drew close enough to potentially fire, the dirt suddenly broke into clods that were sucked into the Singularity. Within seconds the shifting gravitational forces ripped the clods apart until, in mere seconds, the dirt in the gravity well was as thick as a Tuchanka sand storm, dropping visibility to zero. Shepard wasn't finished. He calculated the thugs would need a few moments to decide how to react to this sudden change in circumstances, moments he did not intend to give them. Shepard released his hold on the planter, riding the swirling gravitational field in an arc toward its creator. As he passed next to the far wall he pushed off toward the outer edge of the field near the ceiling.

Shepard passed in an arc along the outer edge of the gravity well near the ceiling. The thugs came into view, clearly still focused on where he had been gripping the planter. Much like him, they were forced to function without armor, but the human had the telltale purple glow of a biotic Barrier. As Shepard came into view they both recognized what had occurred, but only had time to look stupidly at Shepard's aimed pistol. Shepard focused on the biotic. It took two shots before his Barrier collapsed. As Shepard was pulled back into the swirl of dirt, he carefully placed a third shot straight through the Human's left eye.

Almost immediately, Shepard felt the Singularity begin to waver. He reached the far wall a second time and pushed off strongly as the field collapsed entirely. As the dirt rained to the ground Shepard rolled forward toward the cover of the next planter closer to his foes. The Turian was retreating back down the hallway. As Shepard came into view again he fired his submachine gun wildly. Shepard felt a sharp pain in his calf as he completed his roll into cover. He fired a blind shot over the planter toward the Turian to make sure he finished his retreat, then switched out for one of his two fresh thermal clips. The calf wound didn't seem bad, so he applied pressure to stanch any bleeding. He still needed to kill time more than enemies.

That thought changed in the next moment. "Very impressive, Shepard. That was quite dramatic."

Shepard had never heard the voice before, but believed this couldn't possibly be anybody but the Exterminator. His voice, it was a male voice, was coming from the same area where Shepard had seen the thugs come from the elevator.

"It's easier to be impressive when your opponents are sub-standard. Where did you find these second rate thugs? I'm guessing they're mercenaries that you had to hire on short notice. Do they know how many of your men have died for you today?" Shepard hoped to rattle whatever thugs had been hired. He expected that wouldn't work with the Exterminator himself.

"Well, you know what they say about good help. But what mercenary wouldn't like to be able to brag about taking down the great Commander Shepard. Besides, I think they're doing a wonderful job. Just look at you. Cowering behind a shrubbery. Reduced to taking potshots while we can do this." The statement was punctuated by a barrage of submachine gun fire that shredded a second set of plants. Shepard was grateful he had been able to move forward from the door to Tali's room.

"Nice shooting if you're paying these fools to execute houseplants. I can wait here all day, but I bet you can't. How much time do you think your bribes and threats can buy you when we're shooting up a hospital?"

"As much as is needed, Commander. We've both been playing that game. Manipulating where we could, bribing where we had to. Pushing right up to the edge of the law without stepping across it. I'm just much better at it than you are."

"Then why are you the one with a wrecked house and dead lackeys?"

"Oh, credit where it's due, Commander. You have cost me more than I would like to admit, in time and money. But I think you're reputation is overrated. It seems to me most of your success comes from luck and choosing opponents that underestimate you or make stupid mistakes."

"No doubt true. You've certainly made plenty of mistakes today. I think they might be about to catch up with you."

"Perhaps. But I suspect all my losses will be more than made up when I deliver you to the Shadow Broker."

Shit, Shepard thought to himself. He should have considered that the Exterminator could have ulterior motives beyond killing Liara. Points to him.

"You didn't realize that, did you Shepard. The Shadow Broker could have Doctor T'Soni eliminated any time he chooses. He has chosen not to because of the purposes she can still serve. You, on the other hand, are much more valuable and more unpredictable in your movements. Did you really think your value had ceased after the Shadow Broker failed to obtain your corpse? You, or more specifically your dead body, are very valuable to the Shadow Broker, and therefore to me."

"But if your trap had worked you would have blown me to bits. How does that serve your purposes?"

"As I understand it, the Collectors were willing to pay a high price for your body after it fell from orbit over Alchera. I don't imagine they would be particularly put out by something as simple as explosive body disruption."

Shit, Shit, Shit, Shepard thought over and over again. His head really hadn't been in the game. Why would he think the Collector's would stop looking for him, would stop being willing to pay for his corpse just because Cerberus rebuilt him? If anything, after his recent activities to interfere with their abduction of colonies, they likely wanted him even more. Whatever the Shadow Broker was going to get for his corpse, it was likely impressive.

"What? No more clever banter, Shepard? I have to say, I really misjudged you in one way. I knew that if Doctor T'Soni called, you would come running to a place of my choosing. But then you disappeared. I was sure, given your relationship, that after I eluded you at my home you would rush to protect her. I waited hours for you to show up at her hiding place so I could end this, but you never showed. Don't tell me things have run dry for the two of you. Couldn't keep her satisfied? I hear Asari can be quite insatiable."

Shepard sat and refused to rise to the bait. He could visualize the Exterminator running through a checklist of taunts, trying to get a rise out of him. Trying to make him do something stupid. Challenge his abilities? Check. Surprise him with a new piece of information? Check. Question his manhood? Check. Shepard was willing to engage in this pointless banter, even get his ass kicked verbally, if it meant more time passed. No matter how nonchalant the Exterminator sounded, his time had to be running out. Shepard hunkered down between the planters and counted the seconds.

"But here you are at this hospital. You've been here for hours. Maybe it isn't that your ardor has cooled. Maybe it's just shifted. The way that little Quarian threw herself in front of you, that was more than just loyalty, wasn't it? What was going on for all that time in her room, eh? Were you testing the limits of her immune system?"

Shepard made his first real misstep of the exchange. He reacted. The Exterminator had found a soft spot that Shepard himself had not fully recognized was there. He called back to the Exterminator, his voice a little too strident, "Why don't you just shut up and wait quietly for the authorities to come and put you down?"

Shepard could almost hear the smirk in the Exterminator's voice. "As I said, we have time. It makes me want to consider all the ways I could pass that time with your little Quarian. And when I'm done, there are so many ways to kill a Quarian, so many weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I'm like a kid in a candy store thinking about it."

Shepard knew better. He knew what was happening, what the Exterminator was doing. Even as his brain screamed at him to stay down, he found himself leaning out, screaming at the Exterminator to shut up, wanting to punctuate that demand with gunfire rather than exclamation points. Shepard leaned out to fire a few rounds in the direction of the Exterminator. He wanted to see those rounds blow his disgusting head off. Shepard cursed himself as he felt a sharp sting in the back of his right shoulder.

The shot had come from behind him. Shepard had exposed his back when he had leaned out to fire at where he thought the Exterminator was located. His muscles almost immediately locked up, paralyzing him. He crumpled to the ground, falling into the corridor, exposed.

Shepard watched as the Exterminator emerged from the emergency stairwell, behind where he had taken cover. As he approached Shepard, he held his omni-tool up to his mouth. The Exterminator's voice came from the opposite end of the hallway, from the area by the elevator. "Not bad, huh? You showed a penchant for misdirection when you attacked me. I thought I should return the favor. The poison paralyzing you right now is only temporary, thirty seconds or so. Not nearly as impressive as what would have occurred had my earlier shot been on target."

Shepard watched as the Exterminator stopped several feet away, in front of the door to the antechamber to Tali's room. He was a balding, somewhat overweight Human. He reminded Shepard of a middle school teacher, non-descript, unimposing, except for the Carnifex pistol he was leveling at Shepard's head. Shepard needed to move, needed to do something immediately. He struggled with every bit of this strength. He managed a twitch of his fingers, a spasm of his leg. Not enough. A few more seconds and he might be able to defend himself, but he didn't have a few more seconds. The Exterminator was going to end his life, but it was his own stupidity that truly killed him. He spent his last few seconds willing that Tali would not also pay the price for his failure.

There was a loud report and the Exterminator's balding head vanished in a spray of shattered glass and gore. His now headless body fell between the planters that had previously sheltered Shepard. Whatever the Exterminator's mercenaries were thinking and doing, enough time passed that Shepard was able to drag himself back into cover. A few more seconds and he was able to fire two rounds down the hallway. The message was clear. There's no reward here, only risk. Run away, now.

Shepard saw the light from the stairway as the door opened and closed. He waited a few seconds, but there was no sound, no indication anyone remained. And why would they? The Exterminator was dead. Killed by the 'little Quarian'. Shepard looked up at the door to Tali's room. The window to the hallway was shattered outward. He stiffly dragged himself to his feet and walked to the window, keeping an eye down the hallway in case he was wrong about the mercenaries. "It's me, Tali, it's Shepard. Everything is okay."

He looked in the window to the antechamber and found himself looking down the barrel of Tali's Eviscerator shotgun. "Whoa, Tali, it's me!" She immediately raised the shotgun to point at the ceiling. Shepard could see the discarded flower box that he had used to smuggle her the weapon. At the time he had only intended it as a means to comfort her, to reduce her sense of vulnerability. It was probably the only truly smart thing he had managed to do the whole day.

"Keelah, Shepard, I'm sorry. I think I'm deaf. Normally my helmet would dampen loud noises, but…" She let that trail off to its obvious conclusion as she rubbed her ear with her free hand.

Shepard just stared at her. She stood there, shotgun in hand, sheet wrapped around her torso, shoulder bandaged, rubbing her ears. And she was so, so beautiful. "Thank you, Tali. You just saved my life again. But, wait!" Shepard was suddenly filled with worry. "The window is broken, you'll get sick. Get back into the clean room and I'll get the doctors!"

Tali just cocked her head and smiled. "Oh, Shepard. You really don't know anything about clean rooms, do you? They use positive air pressure to prevent most contaminants from entering any breach. I'll be okay, though I shouldn't stay out here long." She took a step closer to the broken window, looking out at him and smiling.

Shepard held his hand up to the window. He could feel the slight push of air from the room. If he closed his eyes he was sure he could smell her scent. She raised her hand to match his, three fingers to his five. They were separated by those few unbreachable inches, so close to touching. "You are a wonder, Tali. Please, for my sake, go back into the room. Finish recovering. Firing that shotgun couldn't have been good for your shoulder."

"Fortunately, I'm right-handed. But you're right. I definitely need some more rest. At least the ringing in my ears is fading."

"Rest, I promise I'm not going anywhere without you. When you are up to it, we'll have that talk."

Suddenly, hospital security burst onto the floor from both ends of the hallway. Shepard immediately dropped his pistol and raised his hands in the air in the universal sign of surrender. "Hold on, Tali. I think this is going to take a bit of explaining."

Shepard had been correct about his issues with the various Nos Astra institutions. With the death of the Exterminator the paperwork problems with the Normandy were suddenly resolved. Liara gained a significant boost to her power and respect within the information community and she did not hesitate to take advantage of it. Shepard barely saw her following the incident in the hospital, but she was able to draw on her suddenly more robust resources to direct Shepard to two of the individuals identified for recruitment by The Illusive Man. Shepard had to laugh when he recruited Thane, the Drell assassin. He couldn't help thinking how helpful it would have been to have his knowledge in combatting the Exterminator. Once Shepard helped her with a small problem, the Asari Justicar, Samara, was eager to assist Shepard. She made it clear she respected his honor and resilience.

Circumstances kept Shepard and Tali from finding that time to talk about the feelings for each other they were discovering. Shepard intended to change that once they departed Ilium. Shortly before departing from the planet, Shepard was surprised by a visit from Liara. He was even more surprised that he really had not thought about her since confirming she was safe after the defeat of the Exterminator.

"Shepard. I'm so sorry about being distracted since you arrived. First I had to stay in hiding, then the death of the Exterminator opened up new opportunities that I had to take advantage of. I know I've been…distant, since you returned. I wanted to see if it was still possible to make up for that."

Shepard looked at Liara and saw a friend. His heart stayed firmly in his chest, beating normally. His stomach was remarkably insect free. "That would be pleasant, Liara, but I don't think possible. I understand now why you've been so busy. You've got your priorities, your challenges. If there is ever any way I can help you, I will. But I've got my own priorities as well. I've come to accept that they no longer overlap with yours. I need to see to some further details before we leave, but I did want to thank you for directing me to the two individuals I needed to find. I think they will be very helpful to my mission. Oh, and I wanted to thank you for paying our docking fees. We had a bit more overhead than I expected this trip."

Liara leaned in and kissed Shepard on the cheek. "You are welcome for the help finding your recruits, Shepard, but I didn't pay your docking fees."

"What? If you didn't, then who took care of our fees?"

"I inquired about paying the fees, Shepard, but I was told they had already been paid. By one Tali'Zorah vas Normandy."

Shepard was baffled. "That can't be right. I don't think Tali has that kind of money. Does she?"

"I'm not the one to ask, Shepard. It sounds like you and Tali have some things to discuss. I wish you well, Goddess protect you." Liara looked wistfully at Shepard a moment longer before turning and vanishing into the Nos Astra crowds.

Shepard turned and approached the docking ramp of the Normandy. As he went to board the ship he was met by Kelly Chambers. "Commander Shepard. I was looking for you. You've been so busy I haven't had a chance to check how your were doing with the issue we discussed a few days ago."

"Thanks for following up, Yeoman. I think I am feeling better. Liara has a different life than she did two years ago and I'm simply not a part of that life. That still hurts, but the pain is fading. We all have to move on or just be stuck. My turn to move on as well."

"I couldn't agree more, Commander. I had a wonderful chat with your friend, Tali. She's not what I expected from her psych report. I like her."

"Tali's a good friend. We've been through a lot together." Shepard smiled to himself. He was feeling like both of those may have been understatements.

"I have to say, Shepard, my female intuition says she wants to be more than just good friends."

Shepard chuckled. "I've realized that there might be some chemistry there." He thought Tali had come to that realization as well.

"There is. It's in her body language. How she turns to you when you enter the room. How she watches your every move."

Shepard got the impression that his Yeoman thought she was telling him something of which he was unaware. No matter. Not so long ago she would have been right. "That is something to think about, Yeoman Chambers." Shepard became serious for a moment. "Could you really see me and Tali together?"

"I could, Commander. Passion, maybe more, is desirable where you find it. If you can make each other happy then why not?"

"Thank you, Yeoman. You've been very thoughtful and caring. I'll think about what you've said." Shepard walked away with a smile on his face.

Kelly Chambers had a smile as well, of a different sort. When her sources had informed her that Tali had nearly sacrificed herself for Shepard, she had realized how useful a romance between the two of them could be. To control Shepard she would need to bring him low, and his heart was his most vulnerable point. She had nearly gained what she wanted, what The Illusive Man wanted, when he was distraught over his relationship with Liara. But she had failed and Shepard had pushed her away. She had regained favor with a veneer of professionalism. If she could have a hand, even in a small way, in helping him find happiness, then she would be in his confidence. Positioned to help lift him up in order to bring him low once again. To create the vulnerability that would become control. In her opinion, any relationship with Tali was doomed. Tali was committed to her people. Everything in her psych profile confirmed this. At some point she would return to them, a place Shepard could not possibly stay, no matter how friendly the Quarians were with him. Tali would leave him and he would be crushed. Or…perhaps even better, she would die trying to help him in his mission. Quarians were so vulnerable in so many ways. Illness, food incompatibility, suit damage. If Tali were killed trying to help Shepard, he would tear himself apart with guilt. And she would be there to pick up the pieces, maybe even worm her way back into his heart herself. As she reentered the ship she couldn't help whistling to herself. The Illusive Man would be pleased.

As the Normandy left the atmosphere of Ilium, Shepard sat in his quarters sorting through the plethora of e-mails that had arrived during his time on Ilium. He was just deleting the e-mail from the Quarian prince who needed credits to reclaim his lost colony from the Geth when there was a chime at his door. "Come in", Shepard said over the intercom.

Tali entered the room. Shepard stood up from his chair at her unexpected visit. He had intended to visit her at her usual station in engineering once he finished his sorting. "Tali, it's so good to see you. Please, come in, have a seat." Shepard gestured to the conversation pit just beyond his work area.

"I'm sorry, Shepard. I can't stay to talk right now. I have too many duties in engineering with our departure. I just wanted to stop by and see if I could keep these in your cabin." In one hand Tali was holding the plastic bouquet that Shepard had given her as she lay in the Nos Astra hospital.

Shepard felt slightly hurt. "You don't want to keep them with you in engineering? I thought you might like to have them as a reminder."

"Oh, no, Shepard. Please don't get me wrong. I love them so, so much. That's actually the problem. I was finding them very distracting to have where I'm working. I kept finding myself…daydreaming. And I kept thinking something was going to ruin them. I would hate for anything to happen to them. If they're up here then I know they're safe. And maybe I could come to see them every now and then?"

At that moment, Shepard couldn't think of anything he wanted more. "Tali, you are welcome to come up and visit whenever you want. I would look forward to it. If keeping your flowers here helps to ensure that, then I will keep them here gladly. What is it you have there?"

Shepard was looking at the transparent bag she was holding in her other hand. Something within the bag moved. "Oh. I wanted to give you a gift. You gave me these beautiful flowers. I wanted to give you something beautiful." Shepard pictured her face as she said those words and could not help but think she already had. "It's a Prejek Paddle Fish. I was talking with Kelly Chambers and she told me about how she feeds your fish. I thought this would be a nice addition to your aquarium."

"Thank you, Tali. I'll see that it gets transferred safely." Shepard squinted slightly in thought. "You know, that reminds me Tali. I spoke to Liara as we were preparing to leave. She told me she had intended to pay our docking fees, but that you had already paid them. Paying the docking fees, the fish, what exactly is going on?"

Tali shifted, seeming a bit, uncomfortable? Embarrassed? "Well, do you remember Shepard when you were talking to Liara from her office shortly after we arrived on Ilium?" Shepard did remember that conversation. It had been particularly painful and embarrassing at the time, hard to forget. "When Liara was talking to you she mentioned that the Nos Astra casinos were offering odds on how long she would survive. You wouldn't believe what the odds were on the Exterminator being killed. I used my omni-tool to access the betting and placed a bet before word of your arrival affected the odds. Let's just say that a small bet led to some impressive winnings. I'm Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. This is my ship and you're my captain. It felt right that I was able to pay our docking fees."

"Hah. You were betting we would take down the Exterminator."

"I was betting on us, Shepard. When we've faced things together the odds have never mattered. We can take on the universe, together." Tali glanced at her omni-tool. I have to get back to my duties, Shepard, but I haven't forgotten our promise to talk about that last part." She turned and walked toward the door. She glanced back over her shoulder, pausing for a moment. "You know, the together part." She turned and disappeared through the door.

Shepard stood dumbfounded for a moment, but only for a moment. He let his heart lead this time. It was doing so much better a job than his head. And it was his heart that demanded he follow her now, share what he was feeling and consequences be damned. He was out the door and on his way to engineering bare seconds later, his heart pounding in his throat and his stomach a kaleidoscope of butterflies.

END

Huzzah. I hope people enjoyed this. Thank you to anyone and everyone who took the time to read it and health and happiness to you all.