Disclaimer: I am neither Andrew Lloyd Webber nor Gaston Leroux.
Author Note: So here is the second chapter for today's update. Happy New Year :)
Thirty Two- The Search
Raoul de Chagny had been feeling low since…well, since before he could precisely pinpoint, and such a fact was starting to wear down upon him in the most atrocious manner. His head hurt, heavy and unwieldy on his sore neck from lack of sleep, and he couldn't remember the last time he had been able to sit down and let all of his muscles relax with the knowledge that life was pleasant and everything was going as planned. Now, he found himself pacing round the palatial rooms of a house he had not been in for over a year, his head and heart torn between who to feel most worried for- himself, Christine, or the long missing and highly volatile Erik. And whilst he knew that the root of the dilemma they found themselves in was in fact Erik's own lack of trust and sanity, Raoul still felt as though he must be partially responsible. Had he not caused this whole debacle in the first place?
What scared him most was that looking back on the days spent with the perpetually moody Erik and the devilishly cunning Nadir, those days were indeed the best spent of his short and sheltered existence. Despite the hardships of such a time, and the God awful pains that he would beg never to relive- Pali's face swam into his head and Raoul wondered for a moment if the pain of such a life lost would ever cease to resonate within him- he had felt truly alive and exhilarated, to be surrounded with real companions, not snobby rich aristocrats, and to be doing real things that actually mattered to someone. It felt as though now that he had seen and lived the real world, Raoul could not help but see the glaring illusion of his old, pretentious life.
He had never made real plans for his future, and Raoul wondered why that had been. He had never been a boy of holding great dreams from a very young age, far more fascinated with the here and now and the fun to be had than what might be awaiting him in years to come. When the offer of the naval expedition had come along, Raoul had leapt upon it without thought- just as when Christine had reappeared in his life, he had not been actively seeking out love.
But now Christine was another's and his life was going nowhere and Raoul would not stand for it- he wanted to be out, doing things in the real world, and so he would. Once this whole chaotic business in Paris was resolved, of course.
"Monsieur le Vicomte?" the voice of a maid called from the doorway, stirring him from his troubled thoughts. He nodded, though did not look at the girl. "There is a young lady here to see you- a Mademoiselle Daae. I have left her in the drawing room to await your company."
Christine-! Raoul leapt across the room and beamed a huge smile at the maid, who looked rather elated to see her young master happier than he had been just an hour before. Indeed, Raoul had been in a foul temper since arriving home in the middle of the night, disgusted and terrified by the scene he had witnessed in the opera dressing room. To see Christine go completely insane in that manner, to hurt herself in such macabre fashion, and for Nadir to allow it-! Raoul had thought he would go mad; in fact, the mere thought of it was enough to make him feel ill. But, he supposed, Christine's behaviour was testament to the depth of her feelings for Erik and Raoul wished with all his heart that the idiot could be here to see it for himself- that the woman he loved would let nothing meddle with her feelings anymore. When had Little Lotte become so brave and…strong?
It must be the workings of love- Raoul was, after all, a romantic at heart and could choose to overlook the fact that a year spent as an amnesiac gypsy slave was probably more of the reason for Christine's personality changes than her feelings for Erik.
"Thank you, Sophie, thank you indeed!" he blurted at the maid, barrelling out of the door and down the corridor at hurtling speeds, well aware that he looked ridiculous but not caring. He burst into the drawing room without so much as a pause for breath, seeing Christine stood in one of the bay windows and feeling so overcome with relief to see her looking so normal and happy that he found himself running over and grabbing her into a vice tight embrace. "Christine Daae, I have never been so glad to see you in all my life!"
He could feel her laughing- and what a beautiful thing to hear, after all the melancholiness and heartbreak! When he released her, laughing too, he saw that her smile shone out of her face and that her eyes were sparkling with hope. She was blossoming before his very eyes and Raoul could have sobbed with the joy of such a sight.
"And I am glad to see you!" she laughed at him. "Though it has only been a few hours since we were last together- so much has happened!"
"You're so happy!" Raoul exclaimed, suddenly feeling his face drain white. "Dear God. You've met with Erik, haven't you? He was beneath the opera the whole time! Oh Christine, how wonderful-"
"No, no, Raoul. I haven't seen Erik. At least, not yet." She replied, sounding oddly cheerful. Her voice was electric and stinging with what sounded like- if Raoul was not mistaken- nervous excitement. Remembering the antics of their childhood, Raoul felt his throat tighten a little- that voice was associated with reckless behaviour and usually his taking full responsibility and punishment. "I now understand why you couldn't just tell me about Erik- I had to make sense of it myself, had to see it all and absorb it all in- it is as if the truth has been so clear the whole time but somehow I failed to see it!"
"That's harsh on yourself, Christine." Raoul gave a wry smile. "I can testify rather too readily that you had significant memory loss and any uncertainties as to the truth can be fully explained as such-"
"Raoul." Christine raised an eyebrow, making him bite back the words sheepishly. "I don't mean that, I mean- I mean that- I've been so foolish! Both now and in the past, never being brave enough to admit how I feel, never willing to risk imperfection-! I've realised, Raoul, that the true Erik is flawed and imperfect and nothing like the Angel of Music or the perfect man who saved me in the clan but that such a thing is what I want! He's real, Raoul! And for once I need to be brave and strong and, oh, I don't know-! I need to show him that I'm not confused or afraid- that I know my heart."
Raoul was astonished by her revelations, so much so that for a moment he had nothing to say to her. If his memory served him correctly, it was Erik who had overreacted and Erik who had fled from Christine rather than facing up to the truth, and yet she somehow was finding ways to place the blame on her own fears? But then Raoul could not be sure as to which versions of herself and Erik Christine referred to, or indeed how much she had recalled. It was a confusing mess, but so long as she was smiling that brilliant smile, Raoul couldn't find fault.
"If you are happy in yourself and your feelings, then all that is left to do is to tell Erik yourself." Raoul smiled.
"Yes, but the fact remains that he is nowhere to be found, Raoul." She suddenly sounded miserable again, and leaned against the window with a sigh that tugged on every fatherly and brotherly instinct within Raoul's body. He hovered uselessly at her side as she gazed out of the window, eyes not seeing the beautiful landscaped gardens that were the pride of the de Chagny household, but rather the face of a man who her heart ached for every second, every moment. "I'm…I'm starting to worry. I can understand that he would not want to see me but he has yet to contact Nadir even- and his emotions are so volatile…what if he has done something stupid, Raoul?"
Raoul reached out for her and clasped her hand, and she looked sadly at him, tugging on those instincts again that made him certain he would do anything in the world just to see her smile once more.
"Christine, please do not worry. Erik will be absolutely fine and I am certain he will make contact. I would do anything to find him and reunite the both of you- there is nothing I want more."
Christine suddenly smiled, looking pleased, and Raoul got the distinct feeling that there was some devious, feline satisfaction in her expression. The childhood memories flooded over him again and he knew that she was playing an elaborate game with him and his helpless devotion to her welfare.
"I knew you would say that Raoul. And thus I want to ask that you will help me." She beamed at him, so sweetly and innocently that Raoul was certain of some hidden motive- that very voice had resulted in he being dragged off by his ear and punished whilst she received a mild scolding. He felt so honestly wary of her and her innocent face that he burst out laughing and she looked at him as if he were the strangest creature she had ever seen. "What?"
"You look so devious." He grinned. "But you also look as if you are set on a plan or something, and after all that's happened I could never say no to helping you. Especially if it has this wondrous effect on you. It seems as if you are yourself again."
"I have recalled memories, places, thoughts Raoul- I doubt they will ever fully return to me. But I know what I need to be happy, and the past is not it." She grinned back at him. "I don't so much as have a plan, more of a starting point, an idea- all I keep thinking is that when I went missing, kidnapped by you-" Raoul's heart clenched and he felt truly awful but she didn't seem bothered "-Erik went searching for me. He had no idea as to where I was and endured many hardships trying to find me, with no idea as to how long it would take. That was a true act of love Raoul and I intend to do the same."
There was silence. Raoul did not know what he had been expecting from her- and heaven knows he ought to have guessed, seeing as it was Erik's morbid lair which had inspired the idea- but he knew that such a ludicrous, irrational, STUPID idea was the last thing to cross his mind. Knowing he was sure to start pacing and ranting, he forced himself towards one of the armchairs and flopped down into it, unable to formulate a reply because he knew that there was no reply within him that she would want to hear.
For starters, to have Christine gallivanting around the country on her own and with no clue as to what she was doing would be the last thing Erik would want. She would be a target for thieves, criminals, leering men and especially gypsies, and the thought of going through that palaver again made Raoul shudder. She was practically and invitation for criminality and disaster, and would end up poor, cold and miserable. There was also the rather pressing issue that if Erik did somehow find out that he had allowed it, he would most likely skin Raoul alive and pull out his eyeballs for putting Christine in such danger. Such a dangerous plan, such ignorance-! It was madness.
And there was another matter- Raoul did not like to judge others, especially not Christine given her recent struggles, but it was painfully obvious that she was not made of the same stuff as Erik. He looked at her doubtfully now, seeing a shining confidence but in a worryingly frail and vulnerable body- Erik was tough and experienced with harsh lifestyle and fighting off the scum off the earth; Christine could barely wield cooking utensils, let alone the weaponry needed to fight off a roadside thug.
And even if she were capable of travelling round without being killed, it was unavoidably clear that anyone's chances of finding Erik if he did not want to be found were miserably slim; such a fact had prevented Nadir from riding straight off into the countryside to try and find him. It was a miracle that Erik had been able to find her that first time. And knowing Erik, with all of his worldly experiences and foreign ties, it was quite likely that he had gone abroad- Raoul sighed and placed his face in his hands, hating what he had to do. But there was nothing for it- he had to be honest with her.
"Christine…you're being utterly ridiculous." He sighed, and the shining look on her face fell away into a confused frown. "Such a thing would never work, you must know that. You'd end up killed, or injured, or just plain miserable. None of those eventualities would bring you any closer to Erik. It is far better to wait here in Paris until he comes back himself."
"But what if he doesn't come back to Paris?!" she demanded like a sulky child, even pouting. "And what of the fact that I cannot bear to be stuck in this place for another moment? I HATE it here!"
Now Raoul was truly astonished. He stood up sharply, and came to stand before her, wondering if he had somehow been hearing her wrong. Or dreaming. Or both.
"Christine, all you demanded of us- all you ever wanted- was to return to Paris!" he gasped.
"Yes. When it was the plan that Erik had offered to me, to help me escape. And yes, to come back to this place to recall the truth that the likes of you and the Persian held back from me!" she snapped, and Raoul wondered briefly why Erik seemed to escape all of this resentment. "I demanded to come to Paris because it was a place I could name, a place that seemed to hold such promise. All it has brought me is the past and I cannot afford to spend my life stuck in those echoes! I need to live, Raoul!"
This was completely insane. Raoul could hardly believe the words that were coming from her, sounding so mature and sensible and honest. He hated to admit it, but Raoul had always expected naivety and childishness from Christine- she was his silly soprano, the little girl who needed looking after. But not anymore. Things really had changed.
"You… you told me your plan, your idea, but you never said why you needed my help?" Raoul said in a dazed voice and she looked at him sheepishly.
"Well…I'm not a total fool. I know I'm far from ready for such a journey. I had hoped that you might give me some wisdom, some money, some help in deciding where I ought to go- and maybe, some company too?"
"You're asking me if I'll come on this wild goose chase with you?"
"Well, you care for Erik as a friend, I thought. You respect him and you worry for him- I know that you want to make up for the past. I thought that you might want to do that by coming with me." She said shyly and Raoul felt an urge to bash his head against the wall. "Also…I don't have a horse. Or maps. Or any sense of direction and staying safe and I-"
Raoul raised an eyebrow and she was silent, sharply.
"Please tell me that you realise this idea is utterly insane." He whispered, and Christine looked very vulnerable all of a sudden, staring back at him.
"It's not! I- I can make money, singing on the road, and sleep under the stars- and- and- " she paused again, and then shook her head. "Yes. Yes it's insane. It's stupid too, and selfish. But it's the best solution I have Raoul and I know that I can't keep sitting here, hoping that Erik will come back to me. Because it seems that I have never fought the way he has fought, never sacrificed the things he has, and yet I claim to love him and I- I need to do this. To prove myself, to him and to me. Do you understand me, Raoul, even a little?"
He nodded, despite himself and all his reservations, because although the thought of it horrified Raoul, he could not deny her good intentions. It was brave as much as it was silly, what she wanted to do, and in a way he was proud of her. And whilst he would rather that she sat patiently in Paris at his side, waiting, he knew with unwavering conviction that this Christine- brave and foolish and glowing- was a hundred times preferable to the heartbroken girl he had been trying to soothe not even a week ago. Christine noticed the change in his expression and sat up a little straighter, her eyes sparkling again with that reckless glimmer that Raoul had seen in one other person as of late- a person who went by the name of Erik.
"So, let me see if I have this correct. You want to tour around France, singing in taverns and markets and streets, sleeping under the stars, all the while hunting down Erik to prove to him the strength of your love?" Raoul summarised in an amused voice and Christine seemed confused for a moment, as if unable to tell if he were teasing or disapproving. "Well, I can't let you go alone. Erik would kill me. So I suppose we really ought to make some sort of plan as to where we shall go."
Christine squealed in delight and threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around him in a tight embrace, already babbling on at him all her thanks at her awe at her experience under the opera house. Raoul merely closed his eyes and savoured the experience, the fragrance of angels, the warmth she always radiated. He would always love her, his silly soprano, his childhood sweetheart, but perhaps that was all their love had ever been destined for; the innocence of childhood. She loved him, he knew, but not in the way that she loved Erik and now that Raoul could understand that, he knew he could never resent it.
Things had changed, yes- she was no longer that silly soprano, and he no longer the self-important aristocrat with no comprehension of the real world. Oh, how they had grown up.
"Right. You stay here Christine, I will call my carriage and we can go to Nadir and ask for his advice-" Raoul eventually disentangled himself from her embrace, laughing at her, but his words made her grab his arms and hold him firm. "Christine-"
"Please don't, Raoul. You know that Nadir will never agree to this." She looked up at him and again he found himself wanting to hit himself "He will advise against it, for all the reasons you have expressed, and he is far too rational to concede as you have-"
"Dear God, Christine, what are you using me for?" Raoul groaned, and Christine looked alarmed. "Too rational… yes, indeed, too rational! If I weren't such a romantic, and such a helpless fool when it comes to your bargaining, I would indeed be too rational. I must be a blathering idiot to agree to this-"
"No. Just a friend." Christine corrected him softly and Raoul stopped lamenting, and gave a resigned nod as his shoulders sagged. "Thank you, Raoul."
She reached up and planted a sweet kiss upon his mouth, and he sighed and rolled his eyes.
"If I didn't love you, Christine Daae, I wouldn't agree to half the things I do for you." He groaned, and she gave him a beaming smile.
"I know."
Nadir's home, some hours later…
The infuriating little note, explaining the sudden and unexpected depature of Christine Daae and Raoul de Chagny from Paris, singed and curled and eventually caught flame upon the glowing embers of Nadir's fireplace, burning to a crisp and symbolising entirely Nadir's feelings toward the foolish girl and the lily-livered Vicomte who had been unable to stand firm and resist her stupid ideas. What did they think they were doing, riding off into the countryside, imagining that they might be able to track Erik down? Nadir knew it was impossible- in fact, he felt so convinced of their imminent misery and failure that he did not bother himself with the thought of going after them. He merely poured himself some wine, lay back before the fire and enjoyed the one brief evening when it seemed there was no one depending on him.
However, after so many years spent in the company of the volatile Erik, relaxation no longer seemed a possibility for Nadir. It took only half an hours miserable attempt at dozing off before the fire for the nagging sense that something was going to go badly wrong to finally reach such a crescendo that he couldn't stand it- he knew, with another loud profanity, that he was going to have to go after them.
The note had not even been delivered until late this evening. If Christine and Raoul had left this morning, who knew how far they could have gone, on the athletic and well maintained de Chagny horses. Cursing and crashing around, Nadir fumbled to collect all of the items he might possibly need, realising how he had done this very same thing not two years ago, preparing to hunt down Christine, and he found himself vowing that when those two idiots were reunited he would shackle them together, to avoid this dreadful nuisance from occurring a third time.
Finally his things were in order, and Nadir was about to make his way downstairs when suddenly there was the sound of his front door being opened, and none too gently. Feeling apprehensive, for he had no idea as to how some unknown was gaining access to a house which had been firmly locked, he gripped onto his gun- a horrid object that he found himself holding more and more frequently these days, something he rather resented- and began to creep down the stairs. The door had been closed again, and there was no-one lurking in the hallway, but Nadir saw that the door to his parlour was slightly ajar and so he rushed to the doorway and peered inside, still gripping that horrid little death tool.
"Daroga you have the sleuthing abilities of an elephant. Stop creeping around and making such a spectacle of yourself, you look quite ridiculous."
Nadir dropped his gun and booted the door open, gaping in open mouthed astonishment and disbelief at the horrendous irony of this situation. Just when Christine left the city he decided to randomly reappear-! Nadir would have been laughing if he weren't so furious at the inconvenience of it all, and the outburst that would no doubt soon occur once he told Erik just what had happened.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, and Erik- who had been helping himself to Nadir's untouched glass of wine- looked mildly amused. It was this- the fact that he looked amused, rather than furious at Nadirs tone- which told him that Erik had been suffering from loneliness. Nadir's eyes swept over him, that skeletal figure, and saw that he looked the worst he ever had since the days beneath the opera house. "You look awful. Positively awful."
"I wasn't expecting open arms and tears of joy, Nadir, but surely a simple greeting and inquiries to my health aren't too much to ask, rather than blazing straight on with the insults?" Erik shot back, still looking pathetically pleased to see Nadir again. Such a thing was enough to make Nadir explode with anger. "Are you going somewhere, Nadir? Only it seems you have packed a suitcase. I hear the south of France is splendid this time of year-"
"You can stop making those asinine jokes before I throttle you!" Nadir exploded, flopping down onto the armchair by the door with a furious curse beneath his breath. "How dare you do this- would it have really troubled you all that much to write to me, to tell me that you were alive and hadn't killed yourself in some guilty rage?! And to turn up now, unannounced-! You truly are the greatest ass I have ever met!"
"I didn't write because I didn't want you to come chasing after me." Erik said quietly, realising that the anger in his friend was far more than the reaction to a fright. "And I turned up now, unannounced, because I supposed that there would be no issue. Clearly I was mistaken."
"Indeed you are!" Nadir hissed. "Dear God Erik, you have no idea of what you left for Raoul and I to manage in your absence! The hurt you have managed to inflict, the insanity you provoked- you are lucky that she has not eloped with the bloody fop in your absence! You deserve it!"
"I'm sorry, Daroga." Erik sounded so sullen and dejected that Nadir could only huff a sigh of irritation, rather than exploding once again. "It was cowardly and stupid to do what I did, but you must know as well as I that if I had stayed my inability to face the truth would have caused such unforgiveable mess. I am incapable of thinking rationally around her- her presence intoxicates me! And I know that she is better, far better, without me and yet I cannot find within myself the strength to leave her. I keep crawling back."
Nadir rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath at the typical foolishness of his oldest, stupidest friend and Erik looked hopefully towards him, clearly hoping for news of the woman he professed to adore and yet the woman he had abandoned and left an emotional wreckage in his wake. God, would this fool ever learn?
"By some miracle, of which you are entirely undeserving, it would seem that Christine shares your feelings. Despite the trials your absence put her through and despite the terrifying experiences of recalling memories and being told the truth of the past- the WHOLE truth, I might add- the girl is still hopelessly besotted with you." Nadir said drily, and whilst he was furious and would not say as much, the tears and look of bewilderment on Erik's face made him want to cry like a child. "Christine Daae is in love with you Erik. I just hope that you now do what is right."
"Oh, Nadir…" he whispered, bending in on himself for a moment before taking a deep breath and straightening up, standing and pacing on the Persian rug beneath his feet, a habit that Nadir detested and would happily criticise. "I will make no presumptions. I will regain her trust- I will go to her now and apologise a thousand times for my stupidity. Will you tell me where she is, Nadir? I had expected to find her here but then I suppose she may be more at ease with the Giry's, or even Raoul-"
"I would tell you where she is. But I have no idea." Nadir interjected in a dull voice and Erik froze, rounding on him with horror in his gaze. "In fact, I received a note only an hour ago, perhaps, saying that both she and Raoul have left Paris, with no clue as to where they intend to go."
"Christine and Raoul." Erik sounded horrified. "But… but you said that…the she loved…"
"They're not eloping, you ass, though you deserve that to be the case!" Nadir snapped. "Christine has got it into her head that she has to prove her feelings for you by going and finding you herself. So there you have it."
"But- but that's preposterous!" Erik exploded. "What the hell where you thinking, letting her go?! She'll be attacked, killed- and the boy is so useless he will be utterly helpless should anything happen- knowing him, he will drunkenly gamble her life away again! DEAR GOD, DAROGA, HOW COULD YOU?!"
"They didn't tell me until they were already gone!" Nadir shouted back, enraged. "So don't you dare blame me, you stupid ass! For once accept the fact that this is all your doing- know that if anything happens to either of them, it is on your conscience!"
"That is hardly helpful, Daroga!"
"I wasn't trying to be helpful, I was trying to be honest! Something that you are not familiar with!"
"There is no use in us standing here and shouting at one another." Erik hissed, all his feelings of joy and pathetic relief disintegrating into anger and guilt, horrible guilt. Why was it that his influence always seemed to cause mayhem and pain? "I am going to find them and bring them back to Paris before they get themselves killed. Stupid fools, how could they possibly think that such a thing was intelligent or wanted?"
"People tend to do stupid things when driven mad, Erik." Nadir said quietly, knowing that his friend heard every word. "I would have thought that you, of all people, would understand that."
And Erik merely turned his head, knowing with sickening clarity that once again he was responsible for disaster and chaos in the life of those he loved most.