Summary: With the loss of Corporal Jenkins much of the crew, including Shepard and Alenko, are trying to come to terms with the loss, though the two officers are trying to find ways to deal with other demons. The commander is feeling the effects from the beacon and trying to find a way to combat the near constant memory of the encounter with the device on Eden Prime as the Normandy makes its way to the Citadel.
A/N: This is a new series I'm working on that will span all three games, so strap in for the long haul. I thoroughly enjoy delving into the characters, both mine and the game's, so you'll get to know people in a new and interesting light. You will probably see some little traces of headcanon here and there, though major ones I'll try to point out. I hope you will enjoy this piece and please, read and review, I would really like to know if you liked this story or not, or any thoughts you'd like to share with me!
Acknowledgements: I want to throw many kudos and flowers at the feet of my beta readers-xforeverquotex and my paramour. You guys are amazing and I appreciate your time and assistance with this piece.
Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware, I'm only playing with their universe. I do not own the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. I do it for the love of the game, the world, and the characters; and because they stuck with me long after I turned the game off (and back on, and off, ad infinitum).
FWN: 06 Coping Strategies
i.
Her eyes popped open as she bolted upright in the bunk. With a glance around at the familiar surroundings, Nyx collapsed back onto the pillow. She laid there for a moment staring at the underside of the bunk above her for a moment, before she slid to a reclining position that allowed her to lean her head against the bulkhead. The vibration of the engine sometimes helped her refocus herself. But it wasn't working this time, in part because the female officers' quarters were too far from the drive core for it to really resonate through her skull. The effectiveness was highly limited, because whatever had happened on Eden Prime had completely scrambled her head.
The images from the beacon would flash in her head randomly, along with errant memories, voices ranging from whispers to the loud piercing screech she'd heard after pushing the lieutenant out of the way. It was a disturbing occurrence. When she tried to sleep, it too often felt like she was being grabbed again. The tension would grip her body and she'd feel helpless again, eyes open staring up at the reddening sky over Eden Prime, seeing nothing but shocking images of death and destruction. She shook her head again. Then jumped out of the bed.
"This is ridiculous," she told herself in the silent darkness. The other female officers that shared the space were either on duty, or elsewhere. Maybe they are just tired of you mumbling in your sleep, she thought. You're cracking up, Shepard. Come on. Lock it down. Can't believe you're going to let yourself get beaten by some goddamn green light. The old trick worked, at least long enough for her to slip on a pair of sweatpants, a tank top, and tennis shoes.
"Hell with this. I know a way around sleeplessness."
She was in the gym within five minutes after the screeching had cut through her brain and broken her fitful sleep. Tightening the strap of the second of her pair of heavy bag boxing gloves, Shepard stepped through the door with her eyes on her hands. All noise stopped, signaling that she wasn't alone. Head still bent toward her hands, her eyes moved around the room quickly. Great. She hadn't planned on the entire marine detail being present. But then they were probably all struggling under some of the same strain that was making it hard for her to sleep.
What the hell time is it anyway? A twist of her wrist told her it was 0628, later than she initially thought. With a nod she made a beeline for the heavy bag. Within three punches, company had made their way over. She realized she felt way too much relief when it was Corporal Crosby that grabbed the bag to steady it.
Shepard sensed what was coming; it was a conversation she'd had more times in her career than she would care to admit. This time it took longer than she expected. Crosby had been mirroring her movements, keeping the heavy bag between the two of them as she pummeled it.
"You doin' all right, L-C?" he asked, looking at her feet which were moving lightly as she bounced slightly on the balls of her feet.
"I'm doin'," she offered. Shepard stopped and grabbed the bag, looking up at him. "You?"
His eyes met hers, but his voice seemed to shrink. "Not sure, ma'am."
"Yep. I've been there."
"I just… I mean. I feel bad about Jenkins." He shrugged and looked away. "But I'm kind of glad I wasn't on the ground."
Her hand squeezed his shoulder and he looked at her again. "We've all felt like that at one time or another. Or wished we hadn't been in the thick of it."
Crosby nodded. "But he was my friend."
"I know. Them being a friend or someone new or a veteran doesn't change the facts or the feelings. And it's okay to be glad you're alive, even if you're mourning someone who didn't make it. It doesn't make you a monster. Plus," her volume rose slightly, "it helps a little that wherever Jenkins is he's giving them hell. And probably taking a few unscheduled nosedives."
"That was AWESOME!" the group of marines yelled in unison, responding as she'd hoped.
Their conversation started something that continued for nearly half an hour. The laughter resounded in the little room and she spotted Alenko across the gym. The two officers mostly sat back on their respective sides of the room and observed the marines and one another silently. Shepard could see it. Alenko still blamed himself, even though she'd tried to relieve the guilt she'd seen crop up in the medbay. Biting her bottom lip, Nyx knew she'd have to have a talk with him to clear the issue from the board.
Though she knew it was a double-edged sword. How do you convince someone to do something you yourself haven't managed to accomplish? She looked over at the heavy bag considering that very question. She'd missed the drones that cost Jenkins his life. She hadn't been at the rally point in time to stop Nihlus' death. Her own guilt from Eden Prime gnawed at her. No path came to her; she wasn't sure how to push Kaidan out of his guilt while she still wallowed in her own.
As Niveda, Crosby, and McMillan left she tipped her chin at them and offered a quick wink. "Take it easy, marines," she offered honestly.
Alenko hadn't moved though. He was still leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. Just staring at her for a few minutes before he straightened and walked toward her.
"You doing all right, ma'am?"
"Yeah, just going over it all." Shepard shifted to the edge of the table, leaning rather than sitting, feeling a sudden need for mobility. "How're you?" she asked.
"Truthfully? Feeling like I should be busted down to private," he said as he stopped several feet from her and shook his head at his boots.
"If they actually did that, I'd still be one," she replied with a little less weight in her voice, trying to lighten up the situation.
His eyes were on her again, the stoic seriousness returning. "I don't know what I was thinking Shepard. I know better. Walking toward an active unknown device. So stupid," he murmured the last part to himself before redirecting his words to her. "I can't believe I put you in that spot."
Shepard stepped forward and set her hand on his arm. "No. That's the spot I'm supposed to be in. I'm the squad leader. You didn't put me there. I did. I take care of my people, Alenko… Most of them," she admitted lowly. She sighed heavily. "I just wish I could have gotten Jenkins home."
"There was nothing for that, Shepard," he replied quickly as she started pacing.
Had he seen it? Had anyone else? She asked herself in response to his quick reply to her own guilt. No, surely not, though… Shepard realized that with the distraction of the beacon's brain scrambling she might not be her usual cagey and barely readable self. Or maybe, he can just read you. She shook away that thought. It wasn't a comfortable one for her.
Alenko was part of her team, so at least professionally he should be able to read her, and on Eden Prime he had. Even some of her unspoken and undirected cues were picked up on by the sentinel. But beyond the battlefield there were few people that could read Nyx successfully-her father, her best friends-Lin and Caz, Chief Dave Jensen, and Anderson, more often than she allowed it. Shepard preferred distance, it had always been safer. But this officer was threatening that, and it scared the hell out of her.
"I know. I know. I just hate losing people. And he was good. Best shot I've seen since my old chief. And he could take anything I dished out, wanted to be pushed. That kid, had something rare."
The commander had played the whole thing over and over again, in her head and from the armor recordings. No one had a line of sight on those drones before they downed Jenkins, and even he hadn't seen them. Like the rest of the crew he was looking for an enemy on foot, not expecting geth drones. Hell, they hadn't been expecting geth at all. There was no way that part of the craziness on Eden Prime could have been anticipated.
Suddenly she smiled. "That kid. Popping up after that drop. He scared the hell out of Chakwas. But he loved it."
Kaidan's eyes shone as he smiled. "Yeah, he asked me to toss him around a few times after that. He wasn't intimidated by it at all."
"That was awesome!" Kaidan couldn't help but laugh at her as she stood there, hands thrust in the air triumphantly. The smile was reminiscent of that afternoon, but there was sadness in her eyes.
His laughter quieted and he looked at her seriously for a moment before he took a step toward her, his eyes locked on hers. "He admired you. He was so jazzed about this assignment, because it was a chance to work with the best. His words," Alenko assured. He shifted slightly before continuing. "Jenkins told me once, before we put out, that his first squad had run a training exercise with your team back on Luna. He said that being killed by you was the most exciting moment of his career to date."
She let her head fall back in a bright laugh. Shepard actually remembered that, and couldn't help but smile at the idea that it had made that type of impression. "Jenkins was not standard issue. That's for damn sure," she said.
Looking over at her Alenko finally asked, "Is that how you do it? How you get past this…?"
"Feeling that you failed them somehow?" She tilted her head as she looked at him.
"Yeah," he said a sudden smallness to his voice.
She shrugged. "Only way I know." She was silent for a moment before she continued. "Just remember and keep going. Do better the next time." She paused and looked down at her hands. "It never leaves. It's always there in the background. But you can't dwell. You just have to … learn from it. Move onward."
He nodded a few times. The conversation was suddenly returning to the weighty side. "Are we going to bring the Chief into the fold?"
"We'll see how it works out. But if she's willing to step up, it won't be official until after we hit the Citadel. Plus, Anderson likes her. Your recommendation was compelling. And she's got a good head on her shoulders. I think she'd be an asset and she seems like she could be a good fit."
With a glance at her wrist Shepard decided she desperately needed coffee. "I think I'm going to…"
Kaidan didn't say anything. The look in his eyes told her he was trying to make a decision, and there was a little niggling part of her that didn't want to be there when he made it. Mainly because she couldn't be entirely certain of how she might respond to him.
"It won't get easier," she cautioned as she slipped past him on her way to the door. It would be the last thing she said to him on that topic. He didn't respond, and the commander happily escaped to find a hot shower and some even hotter coffee.
ii.
Eden Prime scrambled things for both the officers on the ground there. The whole ship whispered about Shepard skulking the corridors at all hours and the lack of sleep was showing in the tension in her brow and the darkening circles around her eyes. But Kaidan, though he hadn't had his brain scrambled by the device, suffered from his own brand of disturbing upheaval, though it was entirely psychological, he knew.
When she'd entered the gym, he had been running, trying just to clear his head-to get her out of his head for a few minutes. He spent the next few hours trying to not watch her. At one point he'd even tried running with his eyes closed, but it did strange things to his balance.
Everything had been fine, workable even, until she threw him clear of that beacon. Since seeing her on the bridge he'd been able to compartmentalize it all, or so he thought. He'd almost convinced himself that he had his attraction to and fascination with her locked down and walled up. Until that smirk, that is. It was nothing more than a self-assured little gesture, a look that told him she had his back. And he'd have been fine with that if not for everything else that happened in that short span of a handful of minutes.
Her hanging there like a puppet on a string tore at him. It all haunted him still, especially the rush of emotions: guilt, fear, concern, and regret. The regret was the hardest one to reconcile. And it was the last to hit him, when she looked up at him and smiled. It was something more than he'd seen since they set out; it was something seemingly left over from that night, that one night before they were both aware, a moment when she didn't look at him like her lieutenant. At least that was how it felt in that instant, that seconds before she lost consciousness. That look haunted him; the truth in it burned into his brain and made his head throb.
It all piled onto him heavily as he'd carried her back to the ship, he'd hear the pitiful whispers in the back of his head chiding him for doing nothing. Shepard had fascinated him from the get go. Working with her hadn't dimmed anything, though he'd hoped it might, rather it just served to vivify his interest. There was something in her that he just wanted to be around, and her gravitational pull was like nothing he'd known the like of.
And with her recovery, everything else seemed to be falling away. The fear broke as soon as she'd hit the deck, and disappeared entirely when the doctor gave her a clean bill of health. The guilt lingered despite her recovery. Even after she'd forgiven him immediately, he still couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for the residual suffering. His concern was no longer urgent and immediate. But the regret. The regret seemed to be pressing at him from all sides. So much so that he'd considered declaring his interest, with the hopes she'd slam the door on that voice in his head that suggested doing away with caution. That intention would then be quickly halted by the realization that his place as part of this crew could immediately come to an end if he did.
And that was one thing he couldn't abide. Shepard was enticing in too many ways, he realized, but he wasn't willing to toss his career out the window for anyone. Even the Commander Shepard. So when the thought cropped up again as they stood near the door of the gym with her he considered it once more. Finally, opting for silence, he watched her slip into the cargo bay.
Kaidan closed his eyes and leaned his head back. This is going to be a long cruise. Maybe if you just stay out of the way… He shook off the idea. No one could avoid Shepard, even less so if they wanted to. She had joked about Nihlus being everywhere, but she was the exact same way. Turn around and she was right there.
He scrubbed his fingers through his hair, turning away from the door and catching sight of himself in the mirror. "Wall it back up. Just get it under control," he ordered quietly. He knew that wasn't going to cut it. Then he eyed his reflection rather harshly. "Lock it up, Marine."
Just keep telling yourself that, a chiding inner voice replied.
iii.
Ensign Hawthorne slipped out of the pilot's seat as he approached the cockpit. His distinctive walk always gave him away, but when he noticed the black-clad leg dangling over the co-pilot's seat he straightened up a little and tried to disguise the limp. Moreau had no desire to have that conversation with anyone on the ship, though in his opinion too many people knew already. In fact part of him was a little surprised that Shepard hadn't mentioned it. But then she wasn't really the type for mentioning things like that.
Now if he'd missed a button, forgotten to zip his jumpsuit on the way out of the john, or sleep walked into the women's head-those she would mention, loudly enough that he wouldn't be able to forget it. But she was coy and way too sly. "What are you doing in my cockpit, Commander?"
"Come again?" she asked, tilting the datapad in her left hand out of her line of sight to offer him a challenging glare.
"You heard me," he replied solidly as he tried to slide into the chair as elegantly as possible.
"Last I checked this was Anderson's bird, thus his cockpit. And since I'm officer of the watch, technically, it's my cockpit."
"You just really like saying that word don't you?"
She laughed lightly and rested the datapad on her thigh as she stretched.
"How long have you been at it?" There were at least three feeds up on the co-pilot's console and she had two datapads in her lap and at least two more in the seat next to her. He was willing to bet that if she opened her 'tool there would be at least two more files open there, if not more.
Shepard leaned her head back and glanced up at her wrist. "Just shy of six hours," she yawned.
"Damn, Shepard." He leaned toward her console and felt his eyes widen when he saw the image on the feed.
That massive mother ship from Eden Prime, but that wasn't the image from the transmission. That was from Shepard's armor feed. He remembered seeing it while they were on the ground. The captain had spent most of that mission standing over the pilot's shoulder watching the armor feeds from the two officers, in between concentrated bouts of pacing and muttered expletives.
The sight of that thing still creeped him out. He'd seen some strange vessels. Hell, he'd flown some strange vessels. But that ship. There was something off about it. It just didn't look like a ship. Even geth-designed ships according to the data he'd seen still looked like flying vessels. That thing looked like some alien crossbred spider-beetle, and he hated bugs-some people called it an irrational fear of them, but he just didn't like them. Bug or not, that ship garnered the same reaction as a beetle crawling across his boot-it made his skin crawl and he just wanted to squash it.
"So, what precisely are you doing?"
She looked up with a pensive look on her face as if trying to find a way to define precisely why she had all this information in the helm. "Let's call it research. I want to know what the hell happened down there."
"Why's that up?" he asked, indicating the video feed from Alenko's suit. It was keyed to a point when Williams was still holding him back, trying to keep him from grabbing the commander.
"I didn't know what was happening, outside of my own head," she offered, tapping that feed closed.
His eyes kept wandering back to the frozen image of the mother ship. "That thing's not geth. I can tell you that."
"I know."
He looked over and smirked at her.
"I found your research," she replied.
"You hacked my files? I feel so violated."
"Seriously?" she said with a telling lift of her eyebrow. "Plus, it wasn't really like it was hacking," she admitted with a smirk as she picked up one of the datapads in her lap. "More like a lucky guess… on the first try." Her giggle was deep and dark.
Joker shook his head for a moment trying to glare at her. But he knew she was right, and couldn't help but reply to her laughter with his own.
"You should try something trickier, like 'I'm sure the gear was down.'"
"Didn't I read that in that report you wrote after your second crash?"
Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, but the smile took anything but the mirth out of her look.
"I mean come on, Commander. It's like they tell you on the first day of flight school: flying isn't dangerous; crashing is dangerous."
"So is making fun of your X-O," she offered leaning forward and swatting his arm playfully with a datapad before she narrowed her eyes at him. "And me without my gun. Damn flyboys anyway."
"Ah, you know I'm your favorite person on the ship. I take you where the action is," he smirked and winked at her.
She got out of the chair she was draped in more easily than he imagined she could. "Well, you do have a point there, Joker. Hope you don't mind. I'm going to abandon you to your helm."
"No worries, Shepard. I got this."
"Good to know, Lieutenant," she replied, gathering her devices from the chair.
After she was gone, he noticed she'd left the console window up and moved to close them. The image of the ship he closed first, but the other he didn't recognize and replayed it. It took him too long to realize what the recording was. Nothing but terrain, but when it stuttered from side to side slightly before the frame was filled with nothing but the pink and red clouds above Eden Prime that day Joker realized he'd just seen the last minute and a half of Corporal Jenkins' life.
"Fuck me," he murmured tapping it closed. He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead. "Damnit, Shepard." He couldn't decide what she could have wanted with that recording, and part of him really wished she'd had the forethought to close it. Though he knew that after six hours of digging she probably just forgot it was among the other information. Glancing over his shoulder, Jeff looked down the bridge and saw her talking with Pressly. She still looked tired and it concerned him, but he wasn't the only one worried.
iv.
The exhaustion technique wasn't working out so well for the commander, nor was the investigation into the origin of the mother ship. She'd abandoned the former about four hours earlier and the latter not more than an hour ago. Though the little relief usually offered by the familiar hideaway was overwhelmed by the achy soreness in her muscles and the throb in her head, the persistent sensations combined with vivid recollections served to keep Eden Prime at the forefront of her mind. Every time she relived it she could feel her muscles tensing again and it just made her more tired.
Part of her was hoping that figuring out anything might help her sort it all out. She knew she'd hit a wall soon-one that would have her in the medbay again having to admit to Chakwas that she hadn't really slept more than six hours in the last seventy-two. It wasn't the first time, but she also knew it wasn't the best call.
Usually wearing herself out with physical activity would get her jazzed for a while, but eventually the high would wear off, and if she pushed hard enough she could get to the point that she could pass out. But she hadn't reached it yet, though she felt she was close. Before she had hidden out in the Obs, she had actually felt like she had fallen asleep, only to have the images flood back and her body tense awake.
That's why she was going over the after action reports of the ground team. Once she completed the official report on the mission on Eden Prime, Shepard had turned out the lights in her little hideout and just listened to the ship for a while. She just needed to relax, see if she could get everything to fall back into place. She couldn't be sure what the hell happened down there after they found that damned beacon. But she was intensely feeling the insanity of the entire mission.
Waking up in the medbay was bad enough. Replaying it all in her head she saw the flaws, the misses-Jenkins, Nihlus, Saren, and Alenko getting pulled toward that beacon. But what kept replaying was seeing that beacon all lit up, the hum that shook in her bones. Seeing it pulling one of her people-pulling him.
She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes as she felt the subtle vibration in the wall and heard it reverberate in her skull. She knew she would have pushed either of them clear; like she'd told him in the gym it was her place to be there for her people, to make sure they came home. But Shepard knew there was more to it, even if no one else did. To most of them it would seem on par with the stories about her. That was just what the commander did for her people; she would put her ass on the line for any of them. But in the heat of it, it was about him, not just one of her crew.
Just breathe, Nyx, she told herself. She tried to blank her mind, as the sound of her breathing mixed with the soft hum of the drive core. It was almost working, then her muscles went rock hard, her nerves tingled, and her bones hummed. The images sped through her mind and she could feel it all again; the sensation was indescribable. It wasn't exactly painful, but there was nothing pleasant about being paralyzed in the grip of that device while something seemed to be playing with her mind, prying into her brain and forcing her to see and feel things she knew but still somehow couldn't wholly grasp. Then there was the screech, alternating in frequency, like someone was trying to talk, trying to tell her something. Shepard just couldn't decipher it and put it all together. She shivered again involuntarily, and then her head turned toward the opening door.
"Commander?" he turned his head once, then twice; it was obvious he was looking for traces of her in the darkness. He reached for the panel that controlled the lights.
"Don't," she said quietly, finally relenting and revealing her presence. She would have preferred he not be so persistent in following whoever's order had led him to seek her out. Company she could handle, even his, but the bright lights she could not at that moment.
He straightened and walked in, letting the door close behind him. The tense stance reminded her of even the professional distance remaining between them. Still for a few moments, he stood there letting his eyes get used to the absence of light. Kaidan didn't seem to see her, even once he was able to barely make out the furniture in the room.
"Captain asked me to inquire about the progress on the mission report. He wants to get it to the Council and Command."
"I think it's on the table there," she offered, gesturing toward the center of the room.
She heard the shuffling then it stopped. His eyes were glued to the screen until he slid his finger across the display. Shepard closed her eyes and let her head hang forward as she heard the sharp sounds of the half dozen shots that first zapped the corporal's shields then finished him.
"Are you doing all right Shepard?" he asked with more concern in his voice than there should have been.
Hearing it just made her own struggle that much more palpable. It made her ask questions and consider things she had no business entertaining. The pad painted his features in an eerie glow, but she could see the pain etched across his face. He'd seen the same type of promise in Jenkins, but had more time to become attached to the young soldier. He was staring in her general direction, though not at her.
"Can't sleep."
The slight curve of his lips in a sympathetic smile prompted her to respond similarly. "Yeah, that seems to be going around. How many hours have you gotten?"
"Six-ish."
He slipped into one of the chairs at the table and gingerly laid the datapad aside.
"You?" she asked.
"Oh I've got you beat, and comparatively I'm well-rested." They both laughed. "Twelve," he replied.
"Damn, L-T."
She shifted and pulled herself out of the dark corner, crouching to snatch up the datapads on the ground around where she'd been communing with the ship. The shift in position made the throb in her head intensify, but it got many times worse when she stood. She couldn't help but wince and set her forehead in her hand as she took a seat opposite him at the table in front of the window.
"I know that look. How long?"
"What? The headache?" she asked.
He nodded.
"I don't know. Can't remember when it started."
"Light makes it worse?"
"Yeah, but it's not that. I got lucky. Never had migraines," she replied.
"And you've had your brain scrambled by a lot of alien devices?"
"More than you'd think," she laughed lightly. His smile caught her off guard and she realized how easy it seemed in that moment. Sitting there in the dark, they were just people, two flawed humans struggling through shared experiences.
"So, what's with the recording?"
"I wanted to know." She stopped and looked out the window for a long moment. "I needed to know if he saw it coming."
A part of her knew Alenko wouldn't say anything. There was not much that could be said in response and those few things that some might say, he wouldn't say.
"He didn't," Shepard revealed looking back at him.
He ran a hand through his hair then met her gaze. "I know. I checked the recordings too. None of us had a line on them until he was down."
Neither of them looked away. It was like they were both making silent assessments of one another and the situation.
"And you came in here for a report," she finally recalled, leaning forward. He just watched her grab and check three datapads before she found the one containing all the reports from Eden Prime. "That way the captain won't be all grrr… argh."
He laughed vibrantly. "Somehow I'm not sure that's in his vocabulary."
"Oh yeah? Ask Joker. I'm sure he's seen that side of Anderson." Her fingers tapped against the handle of her empty mug.
"I do believe someone just made a fresh pot of coffee," Alenko offered with a glance toward her mug.
Shepard couldn't help but smile. That was the best news she'd heard in hours. "C'mon, my treat."
He chuckled as he followed her across the crew deck. She grabbed his mug, emblazoned with SL-1 on the handle, and filled them both. As she dosed hers with sugar only she noticed he took his black.
"Brave."
"What?" he asked.
"Not many people I know have the stomach for Navy coffee straight."
He shrugged slightly as he took a drink. "I was raised on the stuff."
"Ah," she replied with a nod.
"Weren't you? Didn't you say this was the family business?"
She crossed to a table and took a seat. "Something like that. Been on ships and stations my whole life."
"Then you should be used to this sludge," he said with a smile as he took a sip. She merely shrugged in response. "That had to be rough though. Growing up on cruise all the time."
"Not really. But that's the thing," she said, setting her mug down on the table and looking up at him, gesturing as she spoke. "It's just what I knew, so it didn't seem tough to me. I mean it was weird whenever we were station side, because those kids didn't get it. But for me and my friends, it was totally normal to get physics tutoring from the guys in engineering and military history lessons from the old salty vets with the freaky scars. To 'run away' to the cargo bay and make forts on top of the stacks of crates. It's just what it was.
"Hell, to me tough is being stuck in one place," she added, leaning back and lacing her fingers over her belt. "I couldn't imagine it. Hell, I'll probably get stir crazy here in a week or so. Haven't been on the same ship this long in years."
He shook his head and smiled. "Really?"
"Nope." She looked up at the ceiling for a moment, calculating. "I guess it's got to have been almost five years since I was in one place for more than six weeks. And I was only there that long because there was a lot to do." The smile was mischievous and telling. She knew he wouldn't ask for clarification because she'd attempted to make it clear that more information wasn't going to be forthcoming.
"Perspective, huh?" Alenko replied, watching her carefully as they spoke.
"Indeed." Her hand found the handle of her mug again as the attention of both officers shifted from one another by the approach of a third person.
The footsteps were followed by a sharp click that made Shepard's eyes crinkle just the littlest bit. The XO glanced toward the Gunnery Chief who was standing to her left at attention. "At ease, Williams. Something I can do for you?"
"Just wanted to thank you, ma'am."
Shepard sipped at her coffee and looked over at the lieutenant when she replied, "Nothing to thank me for, Chief."
"The Captain just told me that he was requesting I be reassigned to your unit. I thought…"
The commander stood and even though she was looking up at the other woman, it was still obvious that Williams was awestruck and looking up to the smaller female. "Any recommendations made were based on your performance on Eden Prime. You fell in with a fire team you didn't know, performing admirably in an unexpected and highly dangerous situation. The only person here deserving of thanks is you, Chief" Shepard offered her hand and Williams face bore a mix of confusion and pride as she shook the commander's hand.
"Even so. Thank you ma'am, sir." She saluted again.
"Welcome to the team, Chief," Alenko added.
Williams nodded quickly and walked away from the table grinning.
Once he was sure she was out of earshot, Kaidan looked over at Shepard who was sitting again. "Why did that sound like you didn't recommend her?"
"She needed to know she's here because she deserves it, not because you and I wrote memos."
Shepard raised her mug to her lips again as the intercom came to life with Joker's voice, "On relay approach."
"That's my cue," Alenko stated, quickly finishing off his coffee and standing. Shepard stayed on the crew deck and polished off her own mug before she made her way to the bridge.
"Shepard's not like any X-O I've ever had," Joker noted to the officer to his right.
"She's just got a different perspective than you're used to. Than anyone's used to," Kaidan muttered the latter.
"She can be spooky. Like she can see right through a person."
Alenko shrugged. "Well, the commander does see things most people miss. And it can be unnerving."
"That's putting it lightly." Joker's hands raced across his board periodically as he brought the Normandy onto an approach vector for the relay. "I don't know. I can't reconcile what I've heard with what I've seen. She's supposed to be this bad ass war hero with an uncalculated ability for destruction on a grand scale. Did you know she carries a book in her pocket, like a real life actual from a museum book?"
"Give her a chance. Shepard's squared away."
The heavy footfalls behind the commander drew all their attention. "We there yet, Commander?" Williams asked excitedly.
"Nope. Coming up on the relay it looks like," Shepard replied with a glance at Joker who shrank from her gaze. As the pilot faced his console, the commander noticed the nervous frown paint Alenko's face for a moment. Neither of them had been aware she was there until Williams walked up, and neither of them seemed particularly comfortable with it.