Summary: Down time is a given in interstellar travel, and is typically a blessing. After losing nearly a week's pay to Gunnery Chief William's unnatural luck at all variant of poker. Shepard opts to spend some of their travel time to Chasca focusing on the suggestions about focusing her biotics, to some interesting results.
a/n: Many thanks to all the wonderful reviewers/commenters. Your thoughts, enjoyment, and consideration mean the world to me. Hope this piece continues to entertain. Also thanks again to the wonderful ladies who read for me: Chy and LadyAmes.
16 Card Sharks & Guinea Pigs
/1/
The black sea of space was vast, even with the technologies that the different races developed from their own studies and Prothean discoveries. The travel between systems still sometimes took days though relays reduced travel between hospitable clusters to mere moments. It provided very necessary down time for her squad, so Shepard did not mind it all that much. Spend a day or two groundside playing with the ugly dark nasties the galaxy had to offer, of various species, and a few days travel time seemed like a mini-vacation, except that the Normandy currently edged toward the line of low on supplies.
Shepard knew Pressly's estimates were always more than two weeks over, in case of emergencies. She also knew that those two weeks would make Seafood Surprise night feel like a five-star meal. The far end of rations on a deployment could get sketchy, she noted as she wrinkled her nose at the eggs she knew were powdered-even the frozen bagged ones had been used already. Grabbing two pieces of toast she stuffed a little foil baggy with FRUIT printed on it into the pocket on her thigh before filling her coffee mug.
Yeah, after Matano, a resupply might be in order, she thought, recalling her earlier conversation with Pressly. With such tempting items as this on the menu, I'm surprised I haven't gotten word of someone gnawing on the furniture, or worse. The commander, personally, was used to much worse rations, but then she had also spent three weeks living in a hole she dug herself on a low gravity moon. While rations that did not come in tube were top drawer for her, most of the crew lacked her experience with the diverse offerings of the Alliances dietary specialists; though she knew Tali and Garrus were both pared down to that point.
"Hey, C-O, come join us," Crosby called with a large wave of his arm. "You play?"
Shepard looked at the table and opted to take a chance. If nothing else, it was an opportunity to get lost in something and not think too much. Though Shepard lacked much skill at cards on the whole, five-card draw was decidedly her bane. When Private Nunez suggested a switch to Skyllian Five, the commander held out an inkling of hope that she might not go down by an entire week's pay.
Ashley Williams' laugh was bright and melodic, and given the right inspiration it could be peppered with just a hint of sinister, regardless it was also infectious. Shepard smiled widely as she slapped the cards down on the table dejectedly.
"What the hell? You are some kind of card shark aren't you, Williams?" The commander leaned back in her chair, the smirk and the light tone in her voice left no doubt that she was merely chiding the chief.
"Nah, not me. I'm all sweetness and light, Skipper."
The entire table and several of the spectators choked on laughter.
"I used to be good at this game. Paid my way through leave once on my teammates' dimes."
"What happened?" the chief asked dead pan as she shuffled the deck.
Nyx shook her head and smiled.
"It's your tell, Shepard," Ashley replied in an effort to give her CO some slack. "Gives you away every time."
"Lies! I have the straightest face in this room."
The chief shared a quick glance with the staff lieutenant across the table from her. "It's not your face," Williams stated.
"You can see it in the eyes," Alenko clarified. He and Williams were running about even in the number of hands they had won.
Ashley nodded profusely in agreement.
"You're still a shark," Shepard assured the young soldier as she stood. "Nicely done, Chief, but I'm out before you take my sock money."
"You have sock money, Shepard?" Crosby asked wryly.
"Only thing that's not standard issue," the Nyx replied. She propped her foot up on the railing that led toward the area that held the sleeping pods. "Wanna see?"
Several heads nodded yes, but even so Shepard did not wait for an answer. She loosened her boot then tugged her fatigues up a few inches to show off one of her favorite pairs-the ones with brightly colored vertical stripes running up her calf.
"Son of a bitch," Ashley replied, shielding her eyes. "Put those away."
The commander smirked and moved her hand to her hip, as if reaching for the sidearm she was not carrying. "You can take a woman's money, Chief, but never fuck with her socks."
"My mistake, ma'am," Williams giggled.
The two women grinned widely at one another as Joker slipped into the CO's vacant seat at the table. "Deal me in."
Shepard readjusted her uniform and crossed to her locker. Eying the box for a moment, Nyx opted to give the asari ring thing another go. She was not entirely sure she was doing it right, but with a little downtime ahead of them she figured she could afford an hour or so of at least giving it another try. She knew her teammates were dead on about the control issue, Shepard had heard it more than enough times in her career. And with the added pressure of being a Spectre, the commander thought perhaps it was time to actually do something about it other than smile and nod. So she grabbed the largest silver ring out of the box and found an out of the way spot where she could watch Williams reap credits off some of the rest of the crew.
/2/
Williams was not quite a shark, but she was damn good.
Kaidan gave up his seat a hand after Shepard. Leaning against the short wall that separated the captain's quarters from the rest of the deck, he watched the commander set a small silver ring on the far end of the table from the game. The glow on the item and the bleed were the only indication that she had placed a stasis on the object. Alenko closed his eyes when he felt it. The pull was stronger than he remembered, laced with sharp arcing static that demarcated the creation of the solid paralyzing field. He held his breath the next time her field swirled around him.
Her power was striking-sharp and insistent. The sensation of it was similar to when they were in combat, which told him she chose not to adjust her amp and explained why she was concentrating on the stasis. Even if she botched the target, she could not hurt anyone with that ability.
"Umm, Commander?" Joker asked, staring down the table at her.
Blue eyes redirected from their current target, setting aside the task as the field dropped again. Kaidan almost missed the sensation of it.
Williams cocked an eyebrow. "Seriously? Is that you?"
"What?" Shepard asked with a shrug.
She grabbed up the ring and crossed the room. Taking a seat on the steps leading to the sleeping pods, the officer set the ring on the grated step between her feet.
A stasis later, Williams peeked at their CO from behind Joker.
"Really?" Shepard asked.
Everyone on the other side of the room nodded.
Kaidan leaned against the railing that separated the little seating area. "You're trying too hard," he said, his voice warm and low without intending it to be.
"This thing is tiny," she said, shaking the silvery ring at him. "How can they feel that?"
"We can all feel it."
Hers eyes darted from his, locking on a spot on the floor as if trying to devise a plan.
"You do that a lot?" he asked, glancing at the ring.
Shepard shook her head with a little grimace in response.
"That's why. You're forcing it." As the idea came to him, he hopped over the bar and gestured for the item. He studied it for a second-it was highly polished, the surface was a completely smooth muted finish that barely reflected light, and it weighed next to nothing. "Where'd you get this?"
"T'Soni," Ashley answered from across the room. "Some kind of asari kid's toy, wasn't it, Skipper?"
"Thank you, Chief," Shepard confirmed, with a little smile.
"Anytime, ma'am."
Until that moment, Alenko did not realize quite how close the two women were, though it was not surprising. Despite the differences in their backgrounds they were very similar, especially in their approach to combat.
"Damnit, Williams," Crosby crowed, as Ashley's laughter brightened the room again.
"Figures," Alenko muttered, as he tucked the ring into a pocket of his fatigues. When he looked back at Shepard, she was still perched on the stairs with her elbows resting on her knees. The furrow in her brow suggested she thinking along the same lines as he-looking for another route. "You trained on dummies, I'm guessing?"
"Yeah. And?"
Kaidan tipped his head to the side. "When you're used to doing things big, it can be harder to move it to a smaller scale quite so quickly. Like I said before, shave it down in increments." Glancing over his shoulder, he noticed Crosby stretching as he got up from the game. "Corporal, come 'ere."
"Oh, hell no." The officers and the chief all eyed him and he was more than aware of it. "Sirs," Crosby added sheepishly.
"You'll be fine," Alenko assured, gesturing for the man to join him.
"Yeah, I think I heard that once. Right before Jenkins bounced off the ground."
The lieutenant laughed. "Don't worry. I'm right here to make sure that even if she tried to the commander can't crush your skull or make your brain explode."
The last suggestion made Crosby blanch and glance over his shoulder at the officer, who tapped his feet a shoulder's width apart.
"Hands behind your head," Alenko ordered. "Now, don't move unless I tell you." The lieutenant took several steps back then made a large sweeping gesture toward the man. "Lock him up."
The miniscule movement went unnoticed by most of the room. Alenko watched her eyes move across the faces on the other side of the room to confirm that they could still feel it. Her field had a radius of nearly ten meters, or so he speculated by the size of the room and the people that showed reactions.
The next time she did it, he studied her as she set the ability. The barest twist of her wrist and Crosby was wrapped in a swath of rippling blue-white energy. With a movement that precise, she shouldn't have any issues with control of her field. His research suggested that larger movements tended to be indicative of field bleeds, but Shepard countered that assumption, at least in this instance. Alenko shook the thought away.
"All right. Let's switch it up a little," Kaidan suggested as he crossed his arms. The field dropped then the corporal and the commander both looked at him. "Just the legs this time."
Observing closely again, he noticed her thumb twitch. Ah, something new then. In part he did and did not expect it. This type of thing was not usually taught in the basic courses all biotics took. And since her specialization put her through the vanguard training, he could not really be shocked that her basic maneuvers lacked some of the finer delicacy often attributed to those trained in other methodologies. Still, having spent more than a year in the tutelage of an asari commando, he held out some expectation that her basic biotic training might be more thorough than the Alliance basic course. Though admittedly his own finesse had not been developed in the Alliance military training programs, the mere memory of Brain Camp made his arms tighten just a bit over his chest.
Nyx's hand relaxed and the field dissipated as she released the attempt. Shepard shook her hands loose then tried it again. A moment later the corporal looked like he was wearing shiny blue pants.
"Jump, Crosby," the lieutenant instructed.
When the corporal's attempt failed, Kaidan noticed the corner of Shepard's mouth tick up just a bit. Dropping the ability, the action repeated a dozen or more times, with similar results. Kaidan noticed the field shifting the longer it went on. The size seemed to barely waver, but the intensity of it altered, suggesting that the commander's power funneled more efficiently into the maneuver. Despite this, the field bleed remained significantly wide.
"Switch it up again," Kaidan prompted. "Left leg only."
The twitching in her hand suggested she struggled with the isolation of this one. Once she got a stasis set, the field looked shaky.
"Can you move, Crosby?"
Shepard winced when the Corporal's movement popped her stasis. "Damnit," she muttered, gripping her neck for a moment and closing her eyes. Alenko did not have to suggest she retry it. She took a breath and her eyes returned to her target. This time it took three attempts until she was happy with the ability, and the stasis held.
The display drew attention away from the poker game, but the audience continued to grow as it went on. Some were brought in by the cheers of encouragement from the crew, others because the pulling sensation made them curious. Once Shepard seemed comfortable with the isolation, the staff lieutenant directed Crosby to stand with his feet together.
"What difference is that going to make?" the corporal asked, suddenly intrigued by being the commander's guinea pig.
"When using precision biotics, the proximity of multiple targets has a direct effect on the ability to achieve one's desired goals," a delicate voice from the far side of the deck suggested.
/3/
The card game had been over for a while, but Ashley had remained in her spot. With Liara's arrival, though, the chief moved to lean on the table next to Joker to watch more closely. This is going to be good. Williams knew precisely what was happening. This was two potential mates about to start strutting for the attention of their intended. It had been happening in little ways since the argument about Shepard's biotics early on.
Liara, certain her method was the best choice, purchased the ring toys for the commander in an attempt to emphasize her suggestions. Williams knew from discussions with Shepard that the doctor and the commander worked with the items once or twice trying to get some type of result. Though Shepard had never noticed anything, or at least that's what she told the chief one afternoon when they were working on Shepard's pistol.
And in the other corner, Alenko, who forwarded a well-crafted report on the research he had done, as well as sending copies of the articles and other resources to Nyx. Of course everyone had figured out the commander's enjoyment of solid, accurate, and ample information. The chief theorized that it was likely due to the fact that it happened so rarely; usually she got bare bones, if she got anything at all.
The lieutenant's suggestions centered on use and familiarity. His conclusion focused on Shepard merely using her biotics more often than she did. It sounded dead on to Williams, when the CO mentioned it in the same conversation about Liara's methods; using her biotics more offensively and in conjunction with her other combat skills would offer her more chances to hone her abilities as well as give her arsenal more depth. It was a sound combat strategy in the chief's mind, at least.
"Right boot," Alenko said, switching sides as well as complicating the field so Shepard could not get to comfortable with the same target.
As the archaeologist moved through the crowd to a better vantage point, Shepard took a deep breath and locked her eyes on the corporal's boot. Kaidan and Liara both intently watched her hand as she set and dropped at least four fields before she felt happy with one. Crosby seemed to have come to recognize the movement and when her hand remained still he tried to jump. The right foot did not move when the left did.
"Ooh rah, Commander," he said triumphantly.
She smiled slightly. "Thank you, Crosby."
"Hands out," Alenko suggested, offering an example again.
The young soldier stood there proudly as she refined her stasis to hand-sized precision, all the while the pull that had seemed to encircle the whole deck gradually faded, or at least it seemed to in Ashley's opinion. Or maybe I'm just getting used to it.
"This is so creepy," Crosby said through a wide grin as he stared at his hand.
Even though she tried not to, Shepard laughed at his diagnosis of the situation. It caught on and rippled through the nearly full room. The distraction must have mixed up her mnemonic because suddenly Crosby was off his feet. She broke the stasis before anything happened to his hand. As Kaidan barriered the kid, Liara dropped a small singularity that held him just above the ground. Crosby's scream had, however, given them up.
Dr. Chakwas appeared from the medbay and saw the floating crewman. "Commander!" she growled in a voice that reminded Ashley way too much of her own mother.
"I know. I know. No playing with the crew. Get him down, Alenko," Shepard replied defeatedly, threading her hands behind her head, as she walked over to the table. After stretching her neck, the commander pressed her hands against the cool metal. Shepard leaned there for a minute, seeming less than pleased with her slipup.
Liara offered to assist Crosby who was now suddenly less jazzed about helping out, while Alenko walked toward the commander.
"Sorry about that, Shepard," he said in a conciliatory tone.
"Ah, no big." She stood straighter and stretched her arms behind her. "I'll get it, ev-eventu-"
"Whoa," Ashley said, wrapping her arms around her friend as the CO crumpled unexpectedly.
They were all caught off guard by it, but Kaidan was right there on the spot. He scooped Nyx up and moved toward the medbay before anyone could really think anything.
"Doctor Chakwas," he called as he entered. There was no trace of the concern in his voice, though it was clearly etched on his face and in the almost perpetual tension he seemed to carry in his body as he crossed the room swiftly.
/4/
"What was going on out there?" the doctor asked, her exasperation clear as she looked up and saw the lieutenant gently set the commander on the first bed he came to. This is ridiculous.
As soon as he laid her down, he started a scan. "Blood sugar's low."
Chief Williams had followed and when she heard their field medic's diagnosis she pulled a small bottle out of the refrigerated cabinet by the door and tossed it to him. Chakwas gave Shepard a quick push of glucose to address the immediate concern.
The commander sat bolt upright. Chakwas looked at her through narrowed eyes. "When was the last time you ate, Commander?"
"Wha-What?" Shepard asked a little confused.
"Drink this," Kaidan ordered forcefully, placing the open bottle in her hands.
Shepard looked from one face to the other for a moment, then nodded and took a swig. "A couple hours ago, I guess. I have no idea, Doc," she said groggily, looking up at the concerned physician's face, clearly trying to regain her bearings.
"Everybody out!" Chakwas ordered. "You too Crosby, you're fine."
Alenko, Williams, and Crosby exited to the crew deck which had already been cleared by the turian and the quarian who were among the interested crowd. Liara exited to the lab she had laid claim to since she arrived on ship.
Karin paced the length of the bedside for a moment, collecting her thoughts and trying to rein in her irritation. She stopped and eyed the young officer for a moment. Shepard leaned forward, knees drawn up to her chest as she sipped the juice.
"I understand the stress you are under, Commander. It's my job to notice these things and be aware. But you are not making it any easier. You cannot do things like this, Shepard." Chakwas pointed at the cabinet near the door. "I have a stock of juice, water, ration, and protein bars for a reason," she said shaking the thin crinkling silver-wrapped bar at her CO. This was neither the first superior officer, nor the first biotic she had lectured for similar reasons
Shepard said nothing. Karin assumed it was a lecture she had heard more times than Nyx would ever admit to. The silence, however, only served to rile the doctor.
"Are you going to make me alarm your omnitool?" Chakwas shot.
"Look!" Shepard conceded, jumping off the bed, then grabbing the edge as her balance faltered just enough. "I get it. I didn't do it on purpose. Sometimes it just slips past me."
"It can't just slip past you, Shepard. You are the Commanding Officer. You are responsible-for your safety, your squad, this crew. You have to be more aware." Chakwas slapped her hand against the bed for emphasis. The two women just glared at one another for a moment.
"I'm aware of my responsibilities, Doctor."
Shepard's eyes were cold and steely. The look made Karin nod, pleased that she found the right button to push the first time around. But then she knew enough about Shepard to guess that her people would be the weakness that might make her see reason.
"Good. And while we're on the subject you cannot go around putting on biotic displays on an empty stomach. Not that you should be putting them on at all, especially using the crew." Chakwas walked over to her desk and slammed down the bar she had been gesturing with and shaking at Shepard on the desk.
Nyx rubbed at the back of her neck. "I know. I've got it, Doc."
Tossing the bar at the commander, Chakwas sat at her desk. "Trying to kill yourself on my watch." She looked back at Nyx. "I'll shoot you myself. Now get out of my medbay."
"Yes, Mom," the commander replied with a light chuckle as she slipped through the door onto the empty crew deck.
"Well, hell, Shepard. You can certainly clear a room," the officer told herself as she drained the rest of the juice out of the bottle and disposed of it on her way to her quarters.
When the door slid open, Nyx raised an eyebrow at Tali. "Oh! Shepard. You're back quick."
The commander nodded.
The quarian looked over at her accomplice. "I'm … going … to … head back to Engineering."
Kaidan nodded at the quarian who slipped past Shepard, offering the officer a quick pat on the arm as she retreated. The lieutenant, however, unperturbed by his CO's arrival, continued his task, which seemed centered on stocking the small cabinet under her desk. "I normally wouldn't invade my commanding officer's privacy," he explained over his shoulder from her desk chair. "But-"
"Yeah well, I'm also sure that somewhere on that big list of things one does not plan on was 'carry said commanding officer to medbay because she's an idiot.'"
He turned, watching her as she crossed the room and leaned against the wall. Alenko held her gaze for a moment before turning back to the task at hand. "There's a tray on the table for you. Figured you might want to eat something soon. That glucose will wear off before you think and leave you worse for wear."
"Everybody's a doctor." Nyx aimed for playful, but even she could hear the note of irritation in her voice. She opted to comply with the well-meant suggestion, mostly. She sat down and inspected at the contents of the tray. The menu for the evening-roast beef, roasted potatoes, and green beans-was more edible than some of the stuff they got, especially this late in the cruise, but that was a very relative thing.
"Not trying to be. I just know what it's like. Been there, ya know?" he said closing the cabinet and grinning at her, trying to make light of the impetus for the unbidden task he had undertaken.
Nyx nodded, stabbing repeatedly at a green bean she had no interest in. The lieutenant stood and tossed her two of the bars Chakwas had been threatening her with.
"They taste like hell. But in a pinch," he said with a shrug. "You know, you really should always have one with you."
Nyx felt incredibly foolish and Alenko's consideration, while intended to offer relief, actually worsened her embarrassment. She had passed out in front of enough crew that it would be circling the ship by now. It was enough of an issue that Chakwas was threatening medical intervention and her staff lieutenant was stocking her quarters. It felt like the aftermath of the fight she had with her father not long after the procedure that amped her.
The amp just seemed to naturally channel what Nyx had always just equated with extra nervous energy. It made her feel lightheaded all the time, because her body ran in overdrive. The amp just exaggerated her propensity, while directing that which had always just been a strange sensation into something more dangerous, something projectable. That feeling, before the amp, always seemed to overcome her when she was angry, or happy, or really just overly emotional in general, but, for her, it happened mostly when she was upset, or irritated about something.
When Kaidan mentioned the silvery wrapped protein bars, she could not help but wince. No one ever called them by their name, but then BioBars© were not a top market item, thus they did not require a snappy name. They were designed specifically to address the metabolic concerns inherent to biotics, amped or not.
She dropped the fork onto the oddly scavenged tray, then leaned back and looked up at him. "How'd they feel it? I figured you and Liara noticed it because you're both biotics too. But the whole damn deck noticed it."
Kaidan's eyes narrowed on her. "It's just one of those things. You've never noticed another biotic's field?"
When that smile bloomed, Shepard turned her attention to the silvery bars, which she stacked carefully atop one another. "There aren't a lot of biotics in SpecOps or N-school. Well, there weren't in my time. Techs all over. Gun nuts galore. I've always been a little more of the latter than people think I should be. And in biotic training,"-she shook her head-"I guess maybe I was more concerned with my own thing and just getting through it that I didn't notice anything else."
His stance was similar to the one he had earlier-at ease, hand folded over his chest, wearing a very thoughtful guise. It offered her a glimmer of hope that he was approaching their conversation the same way he had on the deck-like an instructor. When she glanced up at him, Nyx felt a little relieved to see that calculating look he wore whenever he was cracking a system. When he walked past her, he tapped her on the shoulder lightly.
"Come over here for a minute. Put the tray on the desk first though."
She complied then walked over to him. Alenko turned her so she faced away from him then stood just a step or two behind her.
"Everyone's field is different, but sort of the same. I've never really been able to find out why, beyond the physics of it all, I mean. I think it's kind of like a fingerprint of a person's power. Sometimes it's about the ability, sometimes the amount of force they're generating, sometimes the mass of the target. It wavers and changes. If I'm lucky, I might just be able to project enough to show you," he explained, raising his left hand.
The lieutenant reached slightly past her, leaning just barely over her shoulder. She could see the sheath of blue and little whitish arcs slicking along his forearm then she felt something tugging at her body gently.
She cocked her head toward him. "That slight pull. That's it?"
He nodded.
"That's more subtle than I expected," she said as she turned and took a step away from him.
He laughed as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Yours isn't. In combat, or earlier. Your field is…"
"Are you telling me I have a big aura?" Shepard chided, setting her hands on her hips as she glanced up at him with an impish smile.
They both laughed.
"I would never. I was raised to be a gentleman," the lieutenant retorted with a warm grin.
She smiled sweetly, gazing at up him for a moment before she caught herself. Then she cast her eyes away again as quickly. Redirecting her thoughts, she asked, "So that's what disturbed the card game?"
"Yes. Sort of. Here," he suggested, gesturing for her to stand in front of him again then he squared her shoulders. "Let me try something different. It might give you a better idea."
The slicking arcs returned to his forearm again, but this time it was more than just a mere gentle pull. The bluish glow wavered over his olive skin giving it an eerily sort of paleness. A similar field wrapped the entire table causing it to hover barely above the ground. Then the gentle pull shifted slightly, it became more forceful, almost insistent. Her head lolled to the right as she watched the table waver slightly, as if teetering on a precipice. A warm, smooth sensation slid across her skin and enveloped her, like submerging oneself in a bath of hot water. It was more intense and vibrant than she expected.
The strangeness and the enticing nature of it distracted her. Until the sparking tingle shot up her right arm, Nyx was wholly unaware that she had leaned against him, or that her hand had come to rest on his thigh. But when his right hand finally touched hers, adding that striking new sensation to the one enveloping and engulfing her, she glanced down. She noticed his hand covering hers on the front of his leg, but that did not immediately alarm her.
"Shepard," he said softly, with a trace of gravel in his voice.
She could feel his warm breath against her skin. When she turned toward his voice, her eyes met his. The usually warm amber now rimmed in cool blue. Looking up at him seemed to intensify everything else swirling around her, at least for a moment. Then the combined sensations trembled and started to slip away. Their proximity to one another combined with the feeling tugging at her seemed to lower Nyx's defenses. Kaidan moved toward her slightly, but when he stopped-she was more regretful than relieved. He looked away from her as his field weakened and seemed to pop suddenly. The stark absence of it was jarring.
Being aware of another biotic's field was nothing at all like having an ability placed on you. The power reached out, slid around her, bathing her in this strange sensation while it pulled at her gently. As the last remnants fell away, seemingly slipping off her skin like drops of water, she took a few steps away and leaned on the table he manipulated in order give her an idea what he and Liara had been talking about.
Nyx possessed no words. She could formulate no response and she became entirely certain in an instant that there was no way she could look at him in that moment without revealing everything she could not keep herself from feeling and should not bring herself to say. The display was perhaps the most strangely intimate moment in Shepard's memory and the sensation was beyond her comprehension. It had also stripped her bare and she knew that he would see her weakness written boldly on her face and in her eyes-every feeling she fought, every thought she suppressed would be vibrantly displayed.
/5/
Shepard's retreat also provided the lieutenant a reprieve. Alenko was struggling similarly for some semblance of composure. Kaidan's mind raced, part of him wishing he could backtrack again. Go back to that moment and continue moving toward her instead of stopping, instead of thinking better of it and pulling away. The idea of just grabbing her and kissing her, making his consideration for her definite and known, played over and over in his mind along with all the reasons why that was the worst possible idea. Part of him knew that if he did put it all out there, at least he could give up the exhausting task of trying just to keep it all professional. He would not have to fight to be constantly mindful in every exchange with her. But as he pressed the back of his head against the bulkhead he knew he would not do that, no matter how much he might want to-he would not put her in that position.
Trying to stamp down his annoyance at his lack of action, Kaidan straightened and uttered, "I should probably go, Shepard."
She just nodded. Her silence plagued him. For a moment, he thought he saw something in her eyes that suggested she was as affected by what happened as he was. As he had leaned toward her, before he thought about it, Alenko felt Shepard might be receptive to his advance. But as she refused to look at him, the lieutenant could not help but wonder if he had misread.
When he reached the door, something made him stop. "Next time maybe we'll try crates in the cargo bay rather than volunteer guinea pigs."
"Probably a good call," she chimed with a little trace of brightness in her voice.
A wave of relief rolled over him, the tightness in his chest relaxed and the lieutenant could not help the ghost of a grin that curved his lips for a moment before he regained control. The idea of spending time with her, even if it was just working on her biotics, thrilled him-much more than it should, given their predicament.
/6/
Nyx rested her forearms on the table and pressed her forehead to the cool metal surface. She tried to control her breathing, but her body still reacted to the exchange. Perhaps it was all in her mind but she swore she could still sense the arcing in her nerves. Shepard wondered if maybe it was all just in her mind, and opted to attribute her affectation to the attraction she was finding it harder and harder to exert control over.
Suddenly a disturbing thought struck her. Does every field feel like that? The thought served to distract her and she considered it for a moment. There was a momentary sense of embarrassment as she shivered uncomfortably at the idea that she had done that to a good-sized portion of the crew earlier. Shepard shook her head against the cool surface. No, no, no. Someone would have made a wiseass crack about it. Joker would have said something about it, for sure.
Standing up, she turned and paced a few steps, fists clinched as she fought against herself, trying to quell whatever was rising in her. From the moment she met him, Kaidan had been an unquantifiable variable. Something about the way he had not blatantly hit on her, despite making it clear that meeting someone was among the reasons he and his buddies had been at the Corona Club, then the little chivalrous display with the mugger. Shepard bit back the smile that formed remembering the evening, especially the shocked but pleased look in his eyes when she had kissed him.
There were traces of it when they talked candidly, that connection that they made over drinks on Arcturus, and then in stark contrast stood the moment minutes earlier. Shepard could remember being looked at kind of like that before, but the intensity in Kaidan's stare was beyond anything she experienced before. A part of her wanted Kaidan to want her as much as she wanted him, though the idea of it terrified her. That first night, there had been more than one instant when she considered propositioning him. Though then her ideas did not extend beyond the idea of finding a quiet place and making him scream her name. But something shifted in the past few months.
"Are you insane?" she whispered to herself. "Look at your life."
Nyx shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest as the pacing began anew. Active N7 operators don't have enough down time. You're always on call. And now you're on the Council's leash, too. That looks like it's going to make your Special Operations work look like a vacation. How can you even consider forcing that on another person? Even if he's in your crew, even if you cross that line, it's like chaining them to a ghost-someone who can only ever be partially present. It would be worse than Mom and Da, passing ships in the night would be the best hope.
Stopping for a moment, she pressed her back to the wall and glanced across the room. The pictures were a reminder not only of her career but of her lack of a real normal life. The only relatively normal photos were of a girl with skewed dreams and her grandfather, then her parents in one of those rare moments of normality that they stole from the stark reality of an active-duty military marriage. Everything else was her and her crews, teammates, her battle buddies from training. Her whole life was this-the Alliance, the mission, the next load out.
Then came the recollection of why she was still single. The few relationships she had all ended with the same deceptively simple statement: I barely see you. Usually the words turned out to be more than just an accusation, typically the sentiment always became an ultimatum. Each time it turned out the same way, with her resumed deployment.
Nyx had fought long and hard for the career she wanted; she also knew that her operational time was limited. In her experience, men did not take it well when the woman they were with told them her career ranked above him in her list of priorities.
Do you really want to have that conversation again? Shepard asked herself. Do you really want to have that conversation with him?
The pacing began again in earnest as she took long, slow, deep breaths with each step. Her breathing was loud enough for her to hear. She wanted it that way, concentrating on the sound usually helped her clear her mind. She closed her eyes and let her chin drop to her chest once she felt like she regained some semblance of her composure.