Summary: Stress can be dangerous, it can also make little weaknesses in something gaping maws. As the Normandy wraps up the situation on Matano and heads into port for resupply, Shepard finds herself trying not to get swallowed up in the canyons appearing in her own façade.

a/n: Thanks to all of you reading and letting me know how much you are enjoying this piece (thank you so much for all the encouragement and kind words). It means the world to me and is quite inspiring. Thanks to LadyAmes and Chy again for their help with this and other chapters.

17 Chinks in the Armor

/1/

The nightmare on Chasca took multiple load outs to clean up. The commander found herself relieved that she typically shuffled out the members of her ground team. As much as she knew she should not decide her fire teams based on personal feelings. Shepard felt an almost overwhelming need to distance herself from the staff lieutenant.

Of course part of her concern was pure selfish worry. It was foolish, she knew; prior to the incident in her cabin she had never noticed any biotic's field. But she held a slightly irrational fear that if she did notice the lieutenant's in a combat situation that it might distract her. Nyx was nearly certain she had put way too much thought into it, but she also knew that distractions were not conducive to successful combat situations, which was how she had justified her choices to herself initially.

When she, Tali, and Garrus returned from the final trip to what Wrex was too cheerfully calling the colony of the dead, Shepard still had her helmet in hand as she trotted toward the bridge. "Joker, make ready and set course for the Citadel before people have to start gnawing on the furniture for sustenance," Shepard ordered from the threshold of the cockpit.

"Start?" Joker replied with a glance around the edge of his chair. "I'm pretty sure I saw Crosby nibbling on one of the chairs in the mess while you were gone."

"Bite me, Joker," Crosby added from his post near the airlock. He nodded politely at the commander who returned the gesture.

"Might want to be nice to the security, helmsman. That's the man responsible for keeping anyone with cannibalistic tendencies from chomping on your ass."

"Yeah, but who's gonna protect me from his constantly undressing me with his eyes?" Joker jabbed.

"You wish," Crosby shot back.

"But the two of you would make such a cute couple. Carry on, gentlemen," she said before they went any farther.

Despite her fatigue, sleep had been eluding her again, which she wanted to attribute to the combination of the beacon and the rising stress of the mission. But it was also complicated by the fact the Normandy and her combat team had been running full tilt for more than a month. When she reached the bottom of the stairs she lifted her helmet over her head and stretched her arms behind her. She stopped cold and lowered her arms slowly when she saw him leaning there next to the elevator watching her.

The staff lieutenant straightened up quickly and asked, "You have a minute, Shepard?"

She nodded, "Of course." All the while she repeated a mantra in her head, a little reminder to remain professional with him, in hopes that it would work and she would not let down her guard again.

Shepard followed him to the little seating area near her quarters on the crew deck and sat down across from him, leaning her elbows on her knees and jostling her helmet slightly between her hands. There was concern in his voice as he spoke about the situation they were in; she was in. Shepard listened carefully, though she broke her own rule and did not look him in the eye as they spoke. It felt odd to her not to do so, but there was a sense of protection in the illusion of distance it created.

"Just leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do. And I'd hate to see something happen to you, Nyx."

Her eyes darted upwards, surprise and something else made her heart suddenly start racing. His use of her first name startled her and as much as pleasure as she derived from hearing her given name in that smooth tone of his, she could not, good conscience, let it slide.

"That's not the appropriate way to address your commanding officer, Lieutenant," she advised weakly.

"I wasn't speaking to you as my commanding officer."

The surety of it hit her like a krogan to the chest. The intensity of his amber eyes on her made her feel short of breath. Nor could she break his gaze as their mostly one-sided conversation continued.

"Look," he continued. "We can all feel the stress of this. The rest of the team is straining, but you're running double time in comparison to the rest of us. You're still training with the marine detail every day, you're planning and leading every mission we are assigned. Then there are the ones we just stumble across."

"I'm used to this, Lieutenant. Trust me."

Kaidan leaned toward her. "I do trust you Shepard. But I also see you. I can see the edges fraying. I don't know if it's the beacon from Eden Prime, or Saren and the Council, or the Alliance." He stared at her for a long moment. "Or if it's something all together different."

She could see it in his eyes. He was honestly concerned about her. Nyx was still fidgeting with the helmet. "Before I got this assignment, my guys had run twenty months non-stop, no leave beyond a few one-day stints in port at Arcturus. I was yanked off some backwater moon and got about twelve hours down time before the Normandy put out." She chuckled and looked down at her helmet.

"Damn, Shepard."

"So this is nothing new to me. I'm pretty well used to it."

"Yeah, but you can't maintain a tempo like that," Kaidan stated. When her eyes shot to his again, he continued, "No one can, it's physically impossible, no matter how good you are. Eventually something's going to give."

For a moment she thought it was her sanity. Even in that moment she still could not completely separate the woman and the officer, the two of them were brawling in her head, each trying to gain a foothold or advantage over the other.

"I'll deal with it when it comes," she replied, not even able to convince herself. She shook her head when she saw it had not worked on him either. "That's what I do. That's why they call me. I improvise, adapt, overcome. I make it work, even when it shouldn't. I'm dependable that way, it seems."

Shepard pulled her glove off and ran her hand across her forehead for a moment. Her head seemed to be brimming with all the things she couldn't or shouldn't say. All for the sake of duty. All for the sake of regulations. Nyx was the one with the truth, the extra bits of information that could not be disclosed to her men, the secrets that she could not share-both, professional and personal. She looked down at the helmet again. The N7 tab near the seal taunting her, and her hands absently started turning it again.

Kaidan leaned forward and reached toward her, stilling the helmet she had fidgeted with the entire time. The action brought her eyes back to his, the whiskey brown burned with that power that stifled her ability to form complete thoughts as his gaze seemed to bore into her. "You don't serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself. You also learn that if someone is special to you, you help them. Try to keep them from making mistakes," he said tenderly, the softness in his voice swirled around her like silk.

Wrapped in that moment, her breath hitched at the word that her brain got caught on. "Special, huh?" she asked looking down at his hand on her helmet.

Things seemed to stop for a second. Kaidan's hand moved, his fingers were warm on her chin as he lifted her head so he could see her face. "If I'm out of line, just sat the word."

Staring into his eyes, the battle raging in her head peaked. But no words would come. Finally thoughts broke through the swirling emptiness like a screams in the night. Admit it. Lie. Skirt the issue. Just stop over thinking for once, Nyx. Tell him the truth. All of it.

"You're not out of line," she confided. You are so not out of line. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a long moment-allowing the officer to step back in before she looked back into his eyes. Her mantra started repeating anew in the back of her head. "But there are regs, Kaidan."

The slight tinge of hope that had colored his expression a moment earlier seemed to dissipate with her addition. He leaned back in his chair considering what she said. "I get you, Shepard," he told his hands, which were clasped loosely in his lap. "I don't make a habit of complicating the chain of command. But …" He glanced up at her as she stood. "Just think about what I said."

The commander nodded. As she swept past him, Alenko held up his hand and let it catch hers for just a moment. Her measured pace broke for a step before she continued on to her quarters. She sat down on the edge of the bed the helmet still in her hands. She flipped it around, and looked at her reflection in the polished shielding.

Nyx felt elated and sick all at the same time. Her stomach was tied in knots. She had almost been relieved when Ashley told her that rumor. There was a part of her that tried to, wanted to believe it was anyone but her for a while. That part that tried to maintain the command persona really did not want to entertain the idea that Alenko 'could be sweet' on his CO, though that was precisely what another part of her wanted.

That was the whimsical part-the part that still looked at the stars and smiled at the possibilities out there beyond her reach, beyond her sight. It was the side of her that sent holiday and birthday cards to the man who had armed her and a handful of soldiers on Elysium. The part that was proud to have been the first person to salute Ensign Baird when she graduated OCS. That was the bright side of Shepard, the side that prompted her to want to join the service in the first place. The idealist that wanted to help, wanted to protect people, and wanted to make things safe.

Her hands pressed against the ceramic of the piece of armor in her hands as she stared at her own eyes, seeing the mix of darkness and light, reality and whimsy, that still somehow mixed in her soul. She rested her forehead against the helmet.

"This would be so much easier if he hadn't said anything. Just let me go on thinking it was all in my head. Fuck!" she grumbled quietly against the cool glazed coating.

This was one command situation she never experienced. Yes, she had subordinates and superiors ask her out more than once-even been picked up on by a guy in the middle of a firefight. But that was not what was happening with Alenko.

He had classified it. Special.

What the two of them were dancing around was not some fling. It was something that could find them faced with sanctions at the one end of the spectrum or an extreme version of the same separation her parents dealt with all her life on the other. She knew the regs. Partners cannot serve in the same chain of command. Hell, Shepard had doled out that regulation herself at one point in her career. Transferring an amazing demolitions tech out of her team a few years prior due to a serious relationship she started with another, more senior team member. Seniority seemed like the fairest way to address the issue at the time.

The CO growled at her reflection. She quickly stood and launched her helmet across the room. The remnants of her biotics flickered over the surface of the brain bucket as it ricocheted off a side wall and rolled around for a moment before it came to a stop a few feet from the door. Nyx just stared at it. Right now, she did not care if the entire ship had overheard her little outburst.

And she knew someone had when the chime rang to announce someone at her door. "In," she said too quickly for anyone to be able to read the frustration in her voice.

/2/

Tali'Zorah scanned the room quickly. The helmet lay cracked and lolling slightly a few feet from the door, and she suspected that was the impetus for the ricochet that she heard when she exited the elevator. She noticed Kaidan's surprise at the noise and waved him off as she approached the commander's quarters. Judging from the look on the lieutenant's face, Shepard did not need him inquiring about whatever had just happened.

Though, she might be young, the quarian was not naïve. She had seen the interplay between the two officers, and Shepard had started to say something once about it to Tali, but stopped herself. Alenko cared about the commander, hell, in their own ways they all did. But the lieutenant's interest was keener, deeper, and it was something Tali had seen him struggle with.

Her steps into the room were cautious, and when the door slid shut automatically, Shepard looked up at her again. When the commander stood, the human gestured to the table in the center of the room.

"Is everything all right, Shepard?" Tali asked quietly as they sat down.

"I'm fine. Just a little … tired."

Tali knew better; she doubted the mere fatigue could cause the commander to exhibit such a lack of control. This was rawer than sleep deprivation. Shepard leaned back in her chair, her eyes locked on the helmet that was just barely bobbing with the rhythm of the drive core below decks.

"You're certain there's nothing you want to talk about?" the quarian prompted again.

Nyx shook her head. Then finally let the mask drop as she propped her forehead against her balled up fists. Her eyes were screwed shut tightly. The strain in her face and tension in her body spoke volumes to the state the commander was in at the moment. Then suddenly she just blurted it out, though her voice was low, just above a whisper, and laden with guilt. "I think I'm falling for him."

The admission Shepard struggled to give voice hung there in the silence for a moment.

"I can't," she said, still shaking her head. "He's in my chain of command."

And there lay the issue, Tali knew. Shepard's commitment to her people, on the ship and beyond was something the quarian admired. Like any good quarian captain, the commander put the safety of her crew ahead of everything else. Tali had seen it in the little things she did, like leading her team into combat and watching over them as they climbed into the Mako. She also checked on them all regularly, making sure they were well, getting enough rest, even just taking a few moments to talk, about whatever, if they wanted or needed it.

She gave so freely of herself to all of them, even beyond the combat squad. Several times in engineering Tali had overheard some of the crew talking about how they were shocked that their CO knew their names, or had asked them about one thing or another they had done or were currently working on. Shepard knew them all, cared about every soul on board the Normandy.

Like some of the others on the squad, Tali'Zorah was also aware that while Shepard tried to maintain that type of relationship with the lieutenant as well, there was something more there for both of them. Nyx tried to maintain the same level of consideration for everyone, though she was much closer with the squad possibly because they spent the most time together, or maybe it was the combat focus-literally, putting her life in their hands and vice versa. But even amongst that tight knit group there seemed to be more between Shepard and Alenko; they all noticed it. Well, maybe.

Shepard leaned back and looked at Tali. "But to be honest, part of me doesn't care," the human admitted. "There's a very real part of me that wants to say, 'to hell with the Regs.' … Hell of a way for officer in command to think, huh?"

The sharp scrape of the chair against the deck accompanied the commander's quick movement, she stood and started pacing the width of the room.

Tali'Zorah sat completely silent, watching as Shepard just kept talking.

"It's not really new, kind of. I've dated officers before, never in my chain of command, mind you. And I have even been propositioned a few times. This just … That's not what this feels like. This just seems different."

Shepard stopped for a moment and looked at Tali, who just waited. This is how their conversations often played out. One talking while the other paid attention, prompting sometimes, but mostly just listening.

"I don't want to have sex with him. Well," she recanted with a shrug, "I do. But that's not all of it. I just want to be with him. Be there for him, with him. I care about him, what he thinks, what he wants, what he needs. I want to know things about him. Tell him things." Shaking her head she looked at Tali. "I'm not making any sense, am I?"

"You're making perfect sense, Shepard. He's special to you. Someone you feel at ease with," Tali observed. She knew the feeling well, had even experienced it herself.

"But I can't." Shepard darted across the room and slipped back into the chair with a wide-eyed look of desperation on her face. "I can't do this."

"Why not?"

"If I do this. If I pursue a relationship with him, I'll lose him. The brass won't let him stay under my command. We'll be separated. Then the team will suffer as well. And it will probably affect the mission, definitely affect his career. Just the rumors and innuendos alone could stifle his advancement in the service."

Tali laughed then gingerly placed her hand on Shepard's. "Ask him."

Shepard knitted her eyebrows at her friend.

"Ask him if he cares about any of that. I've seen it. The way he looks at you when he thinks no one else is aware. The look of utter desire and fear when Ashley played that prank with the armor; he could not take his eyes off you. I bet he's been distracted every time you've worn it. Poor man. But to be honest, I'm not sure he would care about the sanctions. He seems quite ardent."

"The team can't lose him."

"You're right there. He's integral. The team takes a lot of the little things to him," Tali admitted, noticing the realization that slid across the human's features. She hated to agree with the commander on this point but Shepard was right about how important Alenko was to all of them. "We don't want to weigh you down with the minutiae. So he told us to bring anything … non-essential to him."

"What?"

"You have more than enough on your plate. And he's the head of your detail. It's his job."

Shepard knew Tali was right, Nyx just had not expected him to transfer that responsibility to the non-Alliance crew. Of course, Tali understood it better than anyone. Alenko did not just do it because it was his job. He did it for his own reasons, and a reason similar to why the squad all agreed to it. They cared, and they wanted to help as much as possible. Lessen the craziness of it all in any way they could.

"I can't believe he did that."

Tali touched Shepard's shoulder lightly. "We all care. And we're all trying to do what we can to help, where we can."

"Damnit," she said covering her face in her hands. The knowledge seemed to rekindle the commander's unease.

Tali just leaned forward and put her hand on Shepard's shoulder. "There's nothing I can say to help you. I don't know your people's procedures about this. And even if I did, that wouldn't make it any easier, I suspect."

"I know." Nyx's voice was muffled by her hands.

"The lieutenant feels the same way I think-about you and the situation. Caught up, confused, boxed in."

Shepard peeked through her hands at quarian.

"He's been struggling with it for a while, too. I've seen traces of it from time to time." Tali attempted to offer as soothing a touch as gloved hands could manage. "I think you just have to decide what's most important to you, Shepard. Is it all about the mission? Or do you want a life, too? Something more than big guns and fiery explosions?"

Shepard let her arms fall to the table; her head following and coming to rest on her forearms with a muffled thump. "My whole life has been about the mission. Even as a kid. I was driven toward a known goal; achievable or not, I've always done the job I set out to do. This is the only time there's ever been anything,"-she raised her head and looked at Tali with reddened eyes-"and I mean anything that has ever rivaled that drive."

The quarian nodded.

The usually bright blue of Shepard's eyes clouded, and her voice held a note of wistfulness. "My whole life, I've been able to walk away from everything. My parents. My best friends. Guys who really cared about me. I could walk away from anything, anyone," she said, rubbing her hand along her chin. "Nothing ever tempted me to even consider anything else. But the idea of walking away from this, from him, it feels wrong. Then again when I think about how the mission and the team could be affected, that feels wrong, too." Shepard leaned her forehead against the heels of her palms.

Tali moved closer and slid her arm over Shepard's shoulder, then leaned her head toward her friend's. "Take your time. Make sure you make a decision you can both live with. The lieutenant seems like a patient sort."

Shepard nodded against her hands. "Sorry, Tali," she said turning her head and looking over. "I didn't mean to … just throw all this on you."

Tali laughed. "Who else on this ship could you say such things to?" she asked lightly leaning back in her chair. "You saved my life Shepard. And you are a friend." She patted the commander's shoulder and added, "And it won't go beyond these walls."

"Of that I have no doubt, Tali."

/3/

It was well-known that the tightest lips on the ship were Tali's. Her soft-spoken nature went mainly overlooked, but she heard and saw everything. Shepard really admired her, beyond her technical skill and prowess in the field. The quarian had quickly picked up on the social conventions of the humans on the ship and adapted quickly to the unique nature of the squad itself. She managed to acclimate herself to the disparate groups quite easily. It was striking.

The commander propped her chin up on one hand and turned her gaze on her masked friend. "Was there something you needed?"

Tali's hand dropped into her lap and her face turned toward the helmet lying on the floor. "I heard the ruckus when I was heading to the bridge. So I came to check on you."

Shepard nodded with a smile. "I appreciate it, Tali."

"Least I could do." The quarian stood and walked toward the door. She picked up the helmet and tossed it to the commander. "When we get to the Citadel. You should get off the ship for a while. Just take some time. Think. Relax."

With that suggestion, the engineer left the human alone. Shepard set the helmet on the table in front of her and stared at it for a short time. Then she rolled it around in her hands, examining the damage. The visor could be replaced; the cracked housing would be trickier. Even if she could repair it, it would be weak. Ultimately, she determined, it might be safer to replace the piece. She ran her thumb over the N7 logo near the seal then set the item in the center of the table.

The dream. The thing you always thought you wanted. Maybe Tali's right, maybe there is something beyond the mission, something more than just priority objectives and blowing shit up. Even if there was something more, she really had no earthly idea how to fit it into the existence she led.

Perpetually on call. Someone always needed her or her team. Something always loomed just past the horizon, just beyond the next relay. Looking at it from the idea of forcing someone else to be part of it, Nyx realized how insane her life could seem even to people with similar training. For her, alone, it was like the way she grew up. It was just what she knew. But for someone else, she knew from experience, that it was not a life conducive to a real relationship. Maybe you're reading too much into things, Nyx. He said it himself, he's a career man. He knows what it's like, mostly.

The cracked reflection in the visor stared at her with accusatory eyes to which Shepard groaned. She rubbed at her neck and shifted in her armor as she stood. After a shower and a change of clothes, Nyx grabbed up the helmet and walked stoically to the elevator with it resting under her arm.

When the door opened she took two steps into the bay. "Chief, I need to put in a requisition," the commander yelled coolly.

When Williams turned toward her, she tossed the helmet her way. Ashley caught it and rolled it around in her hands for a moment

"What the hell?" Williams barked back at the officer.

Shepard was back in the elevator, arms crossed loosely over her chest before the chief turned again. She headed up the stairs to the command deck and made her way to the cockpit. "ETA, Moreau?" She was standing directly behind him.

He certainly heard it in the tone of her voice that this was not the playful Commander that had gotten on the ship a few hours earlier. "Four hours out from the relay, ma'am."

Joker would have noticed the heaviness in her footsteps, too; she and Tali were the only two people who could sneak up on him in the cockpit. The fact that he heard her approach made it obvious the commander was experiencing some additional strain. She looked around the bridge for a moment. Shepard battled against an overwhelming desire to find a crawlspace and hide away. When she thought about it, she realized that the easiest place to go unnoticed, relatively, might be in plain sight.

Knowing Pressly was prepping for the resupply, she knew he would have something that either needed her attention or that she could distract herself with. After three hours spent laboring through the ship's stores and inventories, Shepard was powerfully glad she got promoted before she had been forced to prepare for one. But Charles Pressly was the right man for that job. He was precise, thorough, and missed nothing. Seeing his attention to detail Shepard realized that it was easy to tell she was not the one meant for the post of Executive Officer of this bird.

Nyx could not help but think that if she had been left in that position, people would have likely been gnawing on furniture because she forgot to requisition adequate stores. Or they would be short on something small and vital, though with a smirk she knew there would be plenty of heat sinks and munitions. She chuckled at herself as she crossed the empty crew deck. It was the only time she found herself glad to not catch sight of the staff lieutenant at the station outside her quarters.

/4/

The commander, and she assumed, the crew were relieved that the Normandy was putting in at the Citadel. Most of the systems and locales they had been deployed to in their first few months on cruise were not places that most people had on their lists of vacation destinations. The Normandy was certainly not the boat you wanted to be on if exotic locales with friendly natives were the reason you joined the Alliance Navy. The morning they were scheduled to arrive the crew were over the moon at the announcement of healthy leave time, well healthy in her opinion-forty-eight hours to try and reclaim some psychic calm before they put back out.

Most of their resupply stops were unlikely to be quite so generous she knew, but when she informed command they were headed toward the station, she got a message that intelligence might have something else useful from Saren's files. The possibility of finally having a lead made her positively giddy.

"Commander," Crosby greeted as he filled his coffee cup then held the pot out in her direction. "I have to ask. What is with the socks?"

She laughed looking down at one of her favorite pairs-safety orange with black toe, heel, and cuff. "You have something against my socks, Corporal?"

"Nah," he shook his head. "Just curious. And those are quite … bright."

"My da. When I was a kid he'd always wear the wildest socks under his uniforms. And one morning he was sitting there putting on his shoes and I asked him the same question. He said that they reminded him who he was."

Crosby stared at her.

"My father always said that in the service, everything is so orderly and so measured that you can lose yourself in it. Lose yourself to the uniform, ya know?"

Crosby just stared at her; he did not seem to be following. She chalked it up to the fact that he had only been in the Alliance for a few years.

"Plaisance has a tattoo right, a Celtic knot on his shoulder if I recall. It holds some meaning for him, doesn't it?" she asked, trying to find another comparison that might bring him around to what she was getting at.

He nodded, "Sure."

"That's his version of my socks. That's all him. It's something he did just to remind him of something about himself. This is my version. Safety orange socks are my way of retaining a sense of who I am."

He nodded again, with a look that told her he got it. "Cool. Coffee?" he asked still holding the pot.

"That's a rhetorical question, right?" she replied holding her cup out, which he generously filled. He made his way up to the command deck as Shepard sweetened the strong black liquid.

"But the question would be, what do the safety orange socks say about who you are?" another officer chimed in as they approached the ship's CO.

"Doctor Chakwas, I don't analyze the socks, they just whisper my name and wind up in my locker," Shepard said into her cup with a playful grin.

The doctor refilled her own mug and dosed it with cream. "I don't know. I think it's a way for you to get people to notice you."

"Really? Notice what, precisely?"

"That you are more than just the uniform," she said quietly. "Which you are, by the way. We all are. Everyone has a quirk, some little way that they rebel against the expectations placed upon them. You are the Alliance's golden girl. A hero. You are the mold. Yet, you rebel but only in one small way that few people get to see."

"How does that mean I want to be noticed?"

"Why are you wandering around the crew deck without your boots? Plus, it's not just being noticed per se-you want someone to see you."

Shepard shrugged and followed her toward the medbay. "You're repeating yourself."

"Not really." Chakwas sat at her desk. "You are not only the Commander Shepard. You are also Lieutenant Commander Nyx Réalta Shepard. There's an individual under all those ribbons. How many people know her?"

Three-Caz, Lin, and Jensen. The answer flew into Nyx's head without thought. "Does it matter?"

"You tell me." Chakwas glanced up at her as she sipped her coffee.

Shepard stood there and stared at the doctor for a long moment before she walked to the back of the medbay.

"You're feeling extra philosophical this morning, Doc."

Chakwas tilted her head at the commander in a way that made Shepard wonder.

Uncertain quite how to take the conversation with the medical officer, the commander moved toward the back of the medbay to check in on T'Soni. The officer hoped it might prompt a distraction from the self-evaluative suggestion the good doctor's suggestion might prompt. Nyx had been running on that path non-stop for about the last day, and really did not need a new stroke to add to it at the moment. Shepard had been indulging in that behavior enough lately, and did not really want to prompt more.

When she entered, Liara turned and smiled at the human. Nyx hopped up on the desk and looked down at the Prothean expert. Dr. T'Soni stared at the commander for a moment. "Have you had any luck refining your biotics?" Liara asked politely.

"Not sure. Can't really feel my own field and the crates have proven rather quiet training partners. Not gasps, or wide-eyed looks to judge by," Shepard said.

"Well if you ever need a hand, just let me know. I'd be glad to help."

"You're not peeved that I took Alenko's method?"

Liara tilted her head. "I wasn't sure which option would work best for you. At least you tried both. It's just a pity."

"What is?" Shepard asked absently.

"With raw scores like yours and the proper training, you could have been quite a formidable biotic."

Shepard laughed into her cup. "Could have been?"

Liara started fidgeting. "That's not quite what I meant," she stammered. "I … I mean to say that the lateness of when you were amped, and the cursory training you received, stifled your potential."

"Ceramae said the same thing."

"Ceramae?" the asari asked.

"Retired asari commando, worked for High Command. She spent a year-and-a-half trying to make me want to be a biotic," the commander revealed with a light chuckle.

T'Soni looked up at Shepard, A tight crinkle in her forehead hooding her big blue eyes. "You didn't want it?"

Shepard readjusted slightly after she set down her mug and she looked the older female in the eye. "I've always been a little different, though most would say weird. I wanted to be a marine, a grunt. Running and gunning all over the galaxy. That was my big dream." The commander laughed. "When they told me I had biotic potential, my whole world got turned upside down. I didn't feel like myself anymore, there was this thing about me I'd had all along that I didn't even know about. At the time it seemed like something that was going to dismantle everything I wanted, everything I planned. Hell, it even made me question who I thought I was."

/5/

Liara could not imagine thinking about biotics like something negative or separate from her, but then she knew that for asari it was a given. With humans it was still rather a rarity.

"So you did not know growing up, that you were a biotic?" Liara asked, looking up at the officer.

Shepard winced slightly. "Looking back, I guess I kind of knew something was off. Or more off, I should say."

"But you did not show signs of biotics."

"Not really." Shepard sipped at her mug. "It's not like other cultures. With the asari, it's the norm. With the volus, it is coveted. With the turians it is kind of a mix of a gift and a curse. For me it was the latter. When I found out, I kind of felt like someone's science project."

Liara felt herself react to the revelation. "Oh! Oh my goodness. I am so sorry."

The scholar went on to apologize for her missteps in an earlier conversations the two shared where she had unintentionally implied that Shepard was a subject worthy of study. While she still felt that way, she knew that her manner of approaching the situation was too clinical, and in light of this particular revelation the doctor felt even more sheepish. Liara attempted to explain her approach by telling the commander that her associations with people were limited, and even more so with humans.

"I've come to realize something about you, humans I mean. You are creatures of action. You pursue your goals with an indomitable determination. It is an admirable trait, but also an intimidating one."

Shepard seemed surprised by that description, but then saw the truth in it. To other races, the way humans tend to approach situations and problems could be construed as aggressive. Liara went on to explain. "Many see humanity as a bully that runs over anyone in their path to get to what they want. It's up to people like you to change their mind, Shepard," she added with a shy look. "You're the best of what humanity has to offer."

The commander shrugged off the assessment, rather humbly. It was one of the things she had come to admire about Shepard. She seemed unperturbed by opinions about her, rather she allowed her actions to speak for her rather than mere words. It was something Liara noticed not only in her own dealings with the commander but also in the reports and evaluations she had read in the commander's file.

With that revelation, Shepard slid off the desk and stood as well. "You looked up my file?" the commander asked, carefully looking at the asari with a trace of suspicion.

"I wanted to know more about you. To understand what made you into the woman you are. There is something compelling about you Shepard," Liara replied, closing the distance between them slowly. "You intrigue me. But I didn't think it would be appropriate to act on my feelings. I sensed-"

/6/

Shepard held up her hand and shook her head. She looked at the asari for a long moment, confusion tensing her brow. The officer was at a sudden loss for words or cohesive thought. Bright blue eyes blinked at her, holding an expectation that Nyx knew she could not meet, personally or professionally.

"Liara, look. I apologize, if I gave you the wrong impression. There are certain expectations placed on me as an officer."

Her mind stalled on that phrase. Yes, expectations you've considered throwing out the window for someone else. Nyx shook her head. Her mind was racing trying to figure out how the hell she had wound up in this position.

"I like to get to know the people I work with, especially those who I operate with closely. It makes it easier to trust someone with your life if you know a little about them. But I didn't intend-"

"No, Shepard. I understand. Your kindness and friendship have made me feel welcome here. I merely … Perhaps we should just leave it at that?" Liara noted, the tinge of hurt and embarrassment still evident in her voice.

"Yeah. Maybe. That sounds good." Shepard picked up her coffee cup and took a long drink. Holy hell. How did I wind up here?

Liara looked at her and smiled sweetly. "I do hope for the best for you and the lieutenant."

Shepard choked and spit coffee across the room and all over herself. She was coughing violently as the asari took her arm. "Are you all right Shepard?"

"Fine," the human choked out. "Fine. But I think I'm going to go."

Shepard walked out of the lab unbuttoning her uniform blouse. As she reached the medbay doors, Nyx pulled her top off and wiped her hands on it. With a muddled brain, Shepard managed to walk headlong into Kaidan, very much flustered, partially in uniform and with the asari hot on her heels proffering her forgotten coffee cup.

"Thank you, Liara," Nyx said as she closed her eyes for a moment and turned back around. "Pardon me, Lieutenant," she greeted with great strain in her voice as she slid past him without more than a glance.

She could not look, did not want to see the probable confusion on his face, though what he could possibly be thinking scared the hell out of her. She tossed the coffee-doused blouse on chair once she reached her quarters and fell face first onto her bunk.

"When did this get so hard?" she muttered into the blanket. I've been on this ship too long. Need more shore leave. Even if it is just a day. Surely that would be the answer. People would be able to find something else to focus their attention on-including her. She hoped.