Summary: Agebinium offered more than just the return of a stolen nuclear device. It also offered up what Nyx calculated as one of her first real tests of command. All the while she bristled under Chakwas' orders. Medical clearances always grated Shepard's nerves, she understood them and in her own way she respected them. But she did not enjoy the restrictions, typically.

a/n: Thanks again to all my readers for their patience and feedback. Also my heartfelt appreciation to the two ladies who continue to lend their time and support and beta for me regularly, LadyA and Chy-you're both amazing writers and I appreciate your input at all stages.

21 Redirection

/1/

"That's screwed up," Ashley said lowly as the pair crossed the crew deck toward the medbay.

Kaidan could not help but agree. There had been a lot that happened on Agebinium that could be categorized under that particular designation. "Which part?" he replied, as little more sharply than he intended through a tense attempt at a smile.

"Having your past hunt you down like that."

Letting Williams pass through the hatch before him into medical, Alenko waited for the door to close before responding. "From what I understand, Elysium went way beyond screwed up, all the way around."

"That is the understatement of the century, Lieutenant," Dr. Chakwas noted from across the room. Her tone turned somber. "No one there during or directly after the Blitz left that planet unaffected."

"You were on Elysium, Doc?" the chief asked a little too quickly.

Alenko knew full well that Ashley worked off instinct. On the battlefield, her instincts were usually dead on, but outside of combat she usually worked under the same rules of engagement and stepped a little past the line from time to time.

"I was delivering a symposium there on battlefield trauma. Wound up giving more than just a few lectures."

"Is that where you met Shepard?"

Kaidan's hands tightened around the edge of the bed he was leaning against. Deep down he wanted to know these kinds of things about Nyx, but this was not really the way he planned on going about it. Despite that, his attention was a rapt as the chief's.

"It was."

"Was she as stubborn then?" Kaidan asked quickly, taking a page out of the chief's book and asking the first thing that sprang into his mind. Both women chuckled.

"Probably more so," Chakwas revealed as she turned her attention onto the chief.

Ashley grinned. "That would be tough."

"Indeed. But it is not your typical bull-headed operator response with her. I learned very early on that Commander Shepard is a caretaker of sorts. She just tends to do it with weapons and a handful of grenades rather than tea and chicken soup."

Williams glanced up at the doctor rather knowingly, or so Kaidan thought, her little nod and the half beamed smile suggested that the chief had firsthand experience with it. Kaidan noticed that tendency in the commander in little ways as well, though mostly in the field, and especially on the ground at Agebinium.

The last time he had seen the commander use that disturbing little charge of hers had been in their sparring match, but a few hours prior she had used it to pull him out of a potentially hairy situation. She had told Wrex that she did not use it all that much because it disoriented her for a few moments; Alenko knew in that moment she traded her own safety to guarantee his. While he understood what they dashed into on that plateau was a bad situation, he could not help but wonder if her decision might be based on more than just the operational outcome. Strangely, he could not decide whether he wanted there to be more to her choice to charge that pirate or not.

When Chakwas finished with the chief, she moved to the lieutenant. "The commander also told me once she does not like to be kept from her place," the medical officer revealed as she gestured for Alenko to hop up onto the table.

"What place is that?" Ashley asked.

"The simple version?"

Even Alenko nodded when the chief did.

"Between whatever enemy and everyone else," the doctor concluded with a knowing glance.

Kaidan felt his throat tighten. That notion seemed to offer him a semblance of an answer. Even if it did not specifically address some of the choices she made on the ground that day or in the past, it did seem to explain the pattern of behavior he had witnessed from her. She truly did place herself in a position to be both literally and figuratively between her crew and whatever they were up against, but she did the same thing on the Citadel too with that bartender in Chora's Den, Tali, Dr. Michel, and others like them. Even for people she did not know, the commander put herself on the line, became the petite barrier between the dark things of the galaxy and the people just trying to survive out here.

The realization of it was almost dizzying, but Kaidan barely got more than a moment to consider it before the hatch swished open again.

"Who's my favorite medical officer on the Normandy?" Shepard said all too playfully.

Kaidan and Ashley both chuckled when they heard Chakwas groan. She looked up at the lieutenant when she asked, "What happened?"

"Some pirate with a death wish," Nyx said dismissively.

"Explosion. Concussion, but there did not appear to be any broken bones," Alenko replied, trying not to let his annoyance show through too boldly.

Shepard hopped up onto the bed Williams was leaning against and tried to hide the wince the rough action prompted. When her eyes met his, she glanced away quickly aware that he noticed.

"You're clear, Lieutenant. Williams, you're dismissed as well," Chakwas noted when she moved past the young woman toward the commander. "And you." There was a slight note of scolding in the medical officer's tone when she started the scan on Shepard.

As much as he wanted to stay and find out the results of the scan and overhear the doctor's orders, Alenko knew that it would not keep up appearances. So he exited with Williams.

"Shepard is totally like how Chakwas said," Ashley noted in a conspiratorial whisper as they walked aft on the crew deck. "Remember all those things she did on the Citadel? And I remember this one time, early on, Shepard dashed into this trio of guys bearing down on Tali-slid across the deck with that shotgun Wrex told her she needed. Kind of like what happened down there today, but with less flair." The chief laughed heartily.

"Guess you were right about that biotic basket," she said, clapping Kaidan lightly on the shoulder. "I think I'm going to crash, L-T. Take it easy."

Alenko made his way to his quarters. As he peeled out of his armor, he could not decide if he was relieved at the thought that what happened on Agebinium aligned with the commander's operational style or not. In a way knowing it was normal for her calmed his anxiety over the situation, which was unsettling in other ways. It boded well for their attempt to keep things separate, keep their service together professional while they kept the other stuff segregated to whatever time they might be able to steal without drawing too much notice.

Of course, he knew he had failed in that segregation on the ground. Kaidan chewed at his bottom lip as he sat on the edge of the bed. Everything up to the point of Haliat blowing himself up had been business as usual, but seeing her body roll off that berm, even under her own power, did something to him. It had been almost as bad as Eden Prime, maybe worse; then he had felt responsible and their connection to one another had been entirely tenuous. His heart seized on Agebinium. His attention was not just on his commanding officer, but also on someone he cared about.

He leaned back across the thin bunk and stared up at the darkened ceiling as he assessed his actions down there in that moment. Kaidan analyzed every single choice he made, trying to determine if he had acted beyond the professional. He shook his head at his boots. Everything he had done was standard procedure, only the worry which still made his chest tighten was beyond the scope of SOP. It was that niggling concern that prickled the back of his neck that differed from the reaction he would have had if any other crew member had been the one thrown by that explosion. There was relief in the analysis, a slight hint of solace in the fact that he had not let his heart rule his head in the moment. Though, he knew that might not always be the case.

/2/

Shepard spent most of the time in the medbay nodding and trying not to look disinterested when Chakwas told the commander all the things she already knew. This was not her first rodeo. These types of injuries were old hat for Shepard. She would be awake come hell or high water for the next twelve hours because the doctor wanted to err on the side of caution. And for the next few days every breath she took would remind Nyx just how foolish she had been.

Her pace through the ship was a little slower than usual and she walked up the stairs slowly rather than at her usual skipping clip. Stopping next to Pressly, the navigator shot her a quick glance out of the corner of his eye.

"Where's Ensign Encanto with my report?" she asked quietly.

"Still working on it, I believe." His tone mirrored the exasperation Shepard felt.

"Drag him into the comms."

"Yes, ma'am," he said a little too cheerfully.

Pressly confided in her that he did not trust intelligence officers, and Ensign Encanto had moments of shifty behavior that set both officers on edge. Nyx entered the comms and took a seat in the first chair she came to as the dizziness made everything swirl around her again. She was not sure if the coffee was helping or making it worse. Even though it was bound to keep her awake, the commander figured she might just have to forego the caffeine until her head returned to normal.

Several long slow deep breaths later the intelligence officer of the Normandy scampered through the door, shoulders hunched as he clung to a console and a datapad. Pressly walked in behind him, standing long and tall and looking much more intimidating than the commander recalled ever having seen him look before. Encanto froze when Nyx turned her face toward him. With a touch on the shoulder, the navigator restarted the stalled movement of the younger man. Shepard watched her executive officer for a moment. He seemed to have taken his cue from the commander, given that she was sitting, Pressly opted to stand, taking up a crisp and precise parade rest stance and wearing a serious look of disapproval that kept the ensign on edge.

Well, goddamn Pressly. Didn't think you had that in you. Shepard bit back the smile. She had not seen this side of the XO yet, but it would explain the wave of shoulder straightening that occurred when they walked the decks together. Nyx was fairly certain it was not for her, because she could pass most of the crew on her own without that type of reaction, though there were a few that still reacted to her in that type of nervous manner.

Ensign Marcus Encanto looked the part of an intelligence analyst-short, thin, and bookish. He quickly set up the console and delivered a datapad to the commander. When he tried to hand one to the XO, Pressly's eyes darted quickly to the chair opposite the commander before returning to the ensign who gulped audibly.

The commander pressed her lips together and bit down on them. Pressly mentioned to her that he and the young officer had come to a head once or twice over procedure. Shepard just had not expected to see the after effects of their exchanges played out live and in living color.

Glancing at the device in her hands, Shepard thumbed through the collation of the information that had been gathered on Agebinium. Her eyes rose and moved from the navigator to the ensign. "Good morning, gentlemen," she greeted, realizing she had not acknowledged them. "You can begin whenever you're ready, Mr. Encanto."

Shepard leaned back and waited as Encanto fidgeted while pulling up something on the screen. Most of his time was spent with Pressly and Yeoman Lowe, formatting and compiling information to send back to Fleet. He had not been part of her briefings as yet, because there had been very little official intelligence coming to the Normandy since they put out. For this reason and others, the CO forgave the nerves.

"There was no implication from Command, in the orders or the briefing that they were aware of why or how the probe's signal beacon came back online. I forwarded the identification information from the probe back to command, but as yet there has been no reply from the Fleet," the young officer stated.

Deciding no response was preferable to the one forming in her mind, Shepard waited.

"Lieutenant Alenko was able to secure a last known location on the MSV Etamin, it was the vessel Haliat was in contact with while on Agebinium."

"Do we have a transponder for the Etamin?"

"Yes. And I forwarded it and the location to command."

Shepard winced. "Tell me you went through Anderson," she said with more than a trace of irritation in her voice.

"Of course, Commander, as per standing orders." The young officer nodded busily. "It also seems that the vessel was actively raiding while the pirate was setting up his ambush here. Several manifests were transmitted to the Grizzly and responses went back out with orders for the cargo and the crews of three vessels that were overtaken during the period."

The commander took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. "I'm assuming copies of the orders are in this dossier?" she asked shaking the datapad at him.

"Affirmative."

"Last known?"

"Cruising in Satent system of the Pylos Nebula," Encanto stated with certainty.

"Human vessel?"

He nodded. "According to the listed registration, but there is no information in the data about his current crew."

"What does intel have on his people?"

The ensign stiffened. "Nothing concrete. He uses whoever he can recruit or pick up at various ports, though most of his known associates are human and oddly enough, batarians."

"And that surprises you?" the commander asked incredulously. She looked up at him from under her brow. She shook her head and turned to Pressly. "Contact Anderson. If anyone is near that sector tell them I just need the transponder tracked until we get there. I don't want this cockroach scurrying into the unknown. And tell Joker, after the rendezvous with the London, we're taking the scenic route to Armstrong. I want to find this ship before it has a chance to disappear on the dark side of some moon."

"Aye aye, Commander," Pressly replied, finally speaking. "I'll keep you apprized."

Nyx nodded. "Anything else, gentlemen?"

"No, Commander," Pressly answered for both of them.

"Excellent." Shepard tapped the datapad against the side of her hand as she stood, leaving the other two officers in the comm room.

/3/

The temptation was always there. Vyrnnus liked to keep the prize within arm's reach, even if he never allowed any of the students to raise their hand to take what they needed. Kaidan's class had been drilling for hours. They were all thirsty, all hungry, and bordering on fatigued. His own head pounded and his body felt heavy from the exertion. Even after all this time under the turian's tutelage, Alenko still felt the strain as keenly as he had when he first arrived.

Rahna looked up at him from the other side of the table; her formerly bright gray eyes seemed dull. A part of him thought it might be an effect of the dark circles that ringed them. Of course, everyone had those, at least everyone in Kaidan's class. Her pink tongue darted out and smoothed along her lips as her eyes dropped to the glass.

He learned to read her body language early on. He knew the anxiety that lay behind the strain in her eyes, in the tension of her brow, the way her cheek trembled when she concentrated. With the wince it all fell away, melting into a look of defeat. It made his heart hurt to see Rahna, or any of them really, suffering like he was. Deep down he knew they all were. They all dreaded this part of the day-when their hands were made useless by the orders of the teacher some called the mad turian.

Mad seemed a little extreme. Vyrnnus seemed angry, and he was mean, but Alenko was not sure that he was crazy, well, at least certifiably so. The young human did not get along well with Vyrnnus. From the very first time they met, Kaidan seemed to piss the turian off, perhaps it was the realization that his little taunt about heading the dreadnought that killed his father would not work on the Alenko kid. It might possibly have also been due in part to the laughter Kaidan's response had prompted. In the end it mattered none. Vyrnnus targeted him and it just made the young human push himself that much harder to not give the turian the satisfaction of breaking him-not because he was a turian, but because Kaidan never liked bullies.

Watching Rahna narrow her eyes at the glass on the table between them, Kaidan found himself praying that she might get it to move this time. Part of him wanted to help her, but somehow Vyrnnus had noticed Alenko and others helping their fellow students and the reprimands for it were harsh enough to discourage assistance in the future.

Come on Rahna. You can do it. Just a little more, he whispered to her inside his own head. When he noticed the shimmering sensation of her field breaking again, his shoulders slumped with a heavy sigh.

Her eyes closed with another more intense wince. He guessed it was the start of a migraine; a lot of the kids got them on days like this. Alenko knew that was just going to make the exercise worse. When she looked up again, her eyes shot around the room quickly and he read the desperation there muddled by the pain. Her hand shot out quickly, but the water barely wetted her lips when the hand slammed her arm down on the table.

Rahna howled as the glass shattered. Kaidan and those in the vicinity were sprayed with a mix of cold water and stinging bits of glass. The tickle of blood trailed down Alenko's temple as he saw Rahna's tears streaming down her cheeks. Her face was contorted in a voiceless scream that finally gave way to a loud grating inhale before the wail pierced through his frozen mind.

There was no rhyme or reason to it. But he stood up. Vyrnnus turned toward the movement. As the alien straightened to his full height of nearly seven feet, he tilted his head downward slightly while his eyes issued a clear challenge. Why he accepted it, Kaidan never really knew. The steps were quick, a foot on his chair, one on the table, then a little leap put the human between Vyrnnus and Rahna.

"You wish to save the damsel in distress, do you boy?"

Kaidan stayed silent, more so because he had no answer.

"I believe you may have seen far too many vids," Vyrnnus advised with a chuckle. When the human still remained silent, the turian took another step, looming over the young man. "I have free reign here, boy. Do not test me."

"I'm not testing you. But we need to eat. We need water. Starving and dehydrating us doesn't make us tougher," Kaidan finally countered. "It just makes it harder to get the results you want."

The pain in his head wrapped around from the back. It was not until Kaidan found he could not breathe that what happened seemed to register. The blade of the knife gleamed in a sinister manner in the stark bright lighting of the dining hall in Dormitory C. Try as he might, Alenko could not get the hand from around his neck-nothing seemed to loosen it in the slightest.

"You have pushed against me since you arrived here, Alenko," Vyrnnus grumbled as he inched closer to Kaidan.

The knife moved with him, slowly, deliberately. When the teenager made a grab at the hand holding the military-issue Talon, Vyrnnus tried to slap the kid's hand away.

In that moment Kaidan knew he had to do something or he was going to die. The movements started frantically, nothing seemed to work all the mnemonics he thought he knew did nothing. As his lungs burned, something finally worked. The barrier shimmering around the young biotic made the turian laugh. The sound stopped when Alenko managed to discharge the powerful sheathe meant to protect. The boy slid off the table gulping air greedily.

When he looked up the rumble started, it was the most menacing sound Alenko could remember hearing up to that point. The knife gleamed. Vyrnnus' eyes burned. The clatter of claws against the metal bulkhead tightened Kaidan's chest. When the knife rose again, it was all gone; at least until the shimmering crackle seemed to ring in his ears. With the force of the impact, there was a loud snap that seemed to reverberate off of every surface in the room.

Alenko crouched on the floor again, blue arcs skimming his flesh and the residual static sparking his nerves. When his eyes moved across the floor, he saw Vyrnnus laying there, not moving. His amber eyes met the disturbingly light gray of the instructor that had tormented them all expecting to see the same fire that made the boy frantic so many times before. But there was nothing. They were dull, blank, holding an accusation that bore into the young biotic's head. Kaidan sat back, his mind in erratic with the tumultuousness of thought and emotion, as he pulled his arms around himself.

The barest whimper cracked the silence and he turned toward it, meeting Rahna's gaze. She was shaking, eyes wide, silent tears still running down her face as she cradled her arm to her chest gingerly. With the intention of comforting her, Kaidan shifted to his right. Her feet scrambled against the floor as she tried to distance herself from him, agitation and fear shone in her eyes. When his reached out to her, Rahna opened her mouth and released the most blood curdling scream he could ever recall hearing.

With that sound the lieutenant sat bolt upright in his bunk. The tightness crept up his neck and felt like it wrapped around his skull. Kicking off the blankets Kaidan sat up. Drenched in sweat, the breeze created by the environmental systems chilled the moisture on his skin. The shiver it created did not help the tension in his body or the pain in his head. He slid off the bed and dug out a dose of painkillers which he swallowed dry then grabbed the dosed syringe from the same locked box. He held it to his thigh and pressed the mechanism, wincing with the sting of the injection.

A check of the time told him shift would be changing soon, which meant this was not the part of the ship he wanted to be in at that moment. He pulled on a pair of fatigue pants and padded out of the O-quarters, making a bee line for the observation deck. He still could not decide why people avoided that spot. With a shrug he wondered if it might be his penchant for hiding out there when his migraines would kick up that kept other crew clear, but that seemed a little far-fetched even for this ship. The darkness and quiet of that area of the Normandy were what attracted him to the room.

He did not notice the figure when the door opened, once the hatch sealed behind him, the voice told him he was not alone.

"Lieutenant?" There was a softness to her tone. Her greeting was followed by gentle yawn as she stretched.

Knowing the time, he also knew she was another two hours from being cleared by Chakwas, Alenko had been bold enough to ask his CO what the doctor ordered after the fact. He had been a little surprised when Shepard revealed that his field diagnosis was mostly correct.

"Not the best choice for someone who's suffering a concussion," Kaidan observed as he looked around the room.

"I was fine until I finished my book. Then the combination of the stars and the core's hum tried to lull me to sleep. Guess I'm lucky you happened by."

Alenko did not fight the smile her admission prompted. "I guess so," he agreed.

She was curled up on the sofa in a tank top and her fatigues; her uniform blouse and her boots had been abandoned before he happened upon her.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

He could only assume she was studying him as best she could in the low light. Her face was cast in a pale blue glow that seemed to hide most of the signs of her fatigue and injuries, he could only guess that his discomfort must be incredibly obvious if she was able to read it off him in this low light.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"And a horrible liar," Shepard replied with a grin.

He sat near her, nearer than he might have normally, as he laughed. He was not sure if it was the movement or the sound, or both, but the sudden shift in intensity of the pain brought his hand to his forehead as a groan rose in his throat.

Her hand was light and warm on his neck as Shepard bent in an attempt to catch his lowered gaze. "Is there something I can do, Kaidan?"

He shook his head slowly, trying not to anger the tormentor in his head. "No. I've already taken care of it. Now I just have to wait for it to kick in," he said in a voice just above a whisper.

Her voice lowered similarly. "Do you want me to leave?"

"And risk you falling asleep before Chakwas can clear you?"

Her warm smile brought his own back to his lips. Kaidan let his hand drop across the back of the couch where they sat facing one another; his fingertips grazed her bare shoulder.

"Are the ribs feeling any better?" he asked

The opposite shoulder lifted. "Making it a little painful to breathe, but it's my own fault really."

"We all make mistakes, Shepard."

She looked out the window at the stars. "Except that this one could have cost one or all of us our lives. If Haliat had a detonator, it could have been you or Williams given the right set of circumstances. I know better, but I just totally dropped the ball."

Kaidan knew she was right, but a part of him still wanted to offer some semblance of comfort. There were no words he could find that would make her forgive herself, so he tried the only other thing he could think of-distraction.

/4/

When the back of Kaidan's hand grazed her cheek, Nyx selfishly turned into the touch. It had been near on a week since they had a more than a bare moment to themselves. It was more trying than she thought it might be. Before the little display in the wards, the two of them seemed to find one another too often; it was one of the things that sort of brought things to a head for both of them. Now that she looked forward to those types of quiet moments that used to sneak up on her at every turn, they all but nearly vanished.

His lips brushed hers delicately at first then their mouths met again with a little more urgency. Once the exchange calmed, the kiss broke, Alenko's fingers still caressing her face and neck.

"What was that for?" she asked with a soft smile, looking up into his eyes which bespoke his fatigue.

"Because I finally could."

Her grin widened, but his smile did not quite reach his eyes. When she reached toward him, he pulled away before she touched him. "Are you sure there's nothing I can do?" she asked, studying him as her fingers curled back at his response.

Before she could withdraw her hand, he wrapped it in his and lifted it to his lips, pressing a light kiss on the meaty part of her palm below her thumb. "Not really anything anyone can do. Though, I appreciate the concern." He stroked her captured hand lightly, watching the action. "When they are like this, touch, no matter how soothing or good intentioned, can cause just as much discomfort, sadly." With the last word, he offered her a look that suggested he was as disappointed with that fact as she found herself to be.

"I'm sorry. I-"

The barest shake of his head stopped her explanation. "How's your head?" he asked, turning the tables on her.

"The dizziness and nausea passed a few hours ago. The headache," she paused and looked up at him with the realization that the throbbing she experienced for the last six hours was nothing by comparison to that which brought him to the observation room, "lingers." The weakness in that final word oozed with empathy.

The ship's medical officer had informed her about the lieutenant's propensity for migraines early on in the cruise after Chakwas pulled him from the combat rotation at one point. Shepard queried the doctor and got the skinny on the issue, but then when the commander had happened across the lieutenant in the throes of one later she got a little more pertinent information from him. The previous iterations she witnessed for herself seemed severe at the time, but they clearly paled to the symptoms Alenko currently exhibited.

"At least you're feeling better. How long does Chakwas say the ribs will take?" he asked, running his fingertip along the edge of the little line of a gash that skirted her hairline. He leaned toward her, as if examining it, though she doubted there was much he could discern in the low light.

His thumb swept lightly down her temple, grazing her cheek. Her breathing became shallower as she allowed herself to be drawn toward him again. "A few days, maybe a week, tops, to find my way back to normal."

He nodded. The tiredness and strain in his eyes made her feel guilty, because in that moment Nyx wanted nothing more than to strip away that hair's breadth of space between them.

"Kaidan," she said finally, unwilling to be too selfish. "I should probably …"

When his fingers traced the curve of her ear, his voice lowered just enough to muddle her mind. "I would really prefer it if you stayed." He reinforced his wishes with a light kiss, withdrawing only so far as he had been a moment earlier. "That way I can be sure you get through your last few hours of forced wakefulness."

"You know you don't have to put yourself through this."

"What? The torture of stealing two hours from a sleeping ship, alone, with you, in one of the most abandoned corners on the boat." This smile reached his eyes, though it was not nearly as bright as others she had seen. "This is exactly what I need right now. And more importantly exactly what I've wanted since we put out from the Citadel."

"Then stop asking me about my medical clearances," she chided.

"Done," Kaidan agreed, closing the distance again and cradling her head in this hand.

The guilty feeling dissipated; replaced, instead, the comfortable wash of warmth peppered with that little jittery rush that she remembered from the wards. He stayed true to his word, turning the topic of conversation onto the book she had read in her attempt to keep herself awake. As footsteps started to ring through the hull from the stairwell each withdrew in their own ways-his hands crossed over his chest as he shifted to face the window, while she stood and stretched before the slow pacing began-each flipping the switch that segregated them as officers.

From that point on their conversation centered on the information gleaned from the Grizzly on Agebinium and the next step for the Normandy's crew. Much of the information, Shepard was sure, the lieutenant already knew. And he did not seem the least bit surprised to learn that the commander planned to try and chase down the pirate's vessel.

"I'm sure Haliat had a failsafe. And good money says they are already running. On a mission like that, I would have put a four to six hour timer on a coded burst or actual communication. It could be possible they were running before we got off the planet, depending on when the last burst went out."

"From the looks of the communication logs on the tank, he updated just about the time he talked to you," Alenko declared absently.

"Encanto neglected to mention that in his report." There was a tightness in her tone that she could feel in her own body. "Either way, by now they know things went south and when they get nothing from that Grizzly, they'll be on the run. I'm just hoping we can pick them up before they get too far."

"Could be another possibility," Kaidan said, standing and crossing to the glass. "They might be waiting for you, well, the Alliance, to respond. We could be walking into another ambush."

"It's only an ambush if you aren't expecting it." Nyx walked over to him, stepping deep into his personal space. He smiled down at her then she rose on her tiptoes to meet his lips. Nyx knew she was indulging, but it seemed safe to do so at the moment. "And I always expect the worst."

/5/

"Seems a sound policy," Kaidan muttered.

"When I manage to follow it consistently," Shepard said with a little tinge of irritation, which dissipated easily when he hooked his finger under her chin.

It was hard to fight the desire to lose himself in this, in her. A sharp tingle danced up his spine, when her arms wrapped around his waist. Her hands splayed across his back and he wanted to just languish in it-her touch, her presence, the newness of and comfort he found in this connection.

When those bright blue eyes blinked up at him, Kaidan ran his thumbs over her cheeks. That was the look he craved, open and so telling, almost too honest. He could see it-her desire as well as her struggle. It was strange, moving from conversations about operational modality to having her in his arms. It was just another clear reminder of Nyx's uniqueness but at the same time their sameness. Shepard knew him in a way no other woman he had met could; not only was she a biotic, but she was a marine. She understood what he dedicated himself to and pushed himself toward, because she did the same.

Kaidan stood there, arms wrapped around her in that dark corner as the ship quieted down again. He stared out at the steady light of the stars, resting his cheek against the top of her head, content in the stillness of the moment. When she squirmed slightly, the lieutenant loosened his grip, albeit reluctantly.

"You're almost as metronymic as the pulse of the drive core," she said, slipping out of his grip.

His hand trailed along her arm, and grasped her hand before she completely severed their contact. "How do you mean?"

"Too relaxing a combination," she replied with a smile. "Strong heartbeat, that light stroke you were drawing on the back of my neck. It has been a long time since I fell asleep on my feet, but I was almost there."

"Sorry." He tugged at her hand, bringing her closer.

"Don't be. Any other time I'd more than happily go out like that."

"Really?" The rumble in his voice did not surprise him, and it made her smile up at him with a warm coyness that was oozed pure temptation.

"Don't play modest with me." Her hands started to move up his chest toward his shoulders then she stopped; he assumed it was due to her recollection about his earlier mention of the tenderness in his head and neck. Though he appreciated the consideration, another part of him damned the rebellious tormentor that precluded him from savoring the touch he craved.

"I'm not playing."

She laughed lightly. "Of course. Not in the least."

The way she looked at him sparked his pulse. He dove for her; content to lose himself to that look, to her. But her temperance brought a shock to his fervor.

"I should go," she managed slowly and in a tone that lacked conviction as she pulled away.

Her hand patted against his chest as she nodded a few times trying to convince them both that her departure was the best route in that moment. Another quick kiss preceded her retreat with the explanation that the doctor might clear her early.

The room was starkly empty with her absence. The silence only gently disturbed by the barest hum of the drive core on the deck below; it was something one could only hear in the quietest times of the day. Kaidan's head was not nearly as quiet. Beneath the weakening grasp of the migraine, his mind raced, and too many of his thoughts seemed to swirl around the almost innocuous statement she made.

I always expect the worst.

He could hear it in that calm, operational tone she used; the one tinged with a note of tension which suggested she was already considering the possibilities. It matched the trademark keenness in her gaze, though there were traces of something else, something almost fearful, hovering just beneath the surface. Kaidan was not entirely sure what to make of those six little words.

Operationally, it seemed a sound strategy, which his time on the Normandy had proven more than once. It was like she said on Agebinium: if one expects the worst of a situation, then they might not be too thrown off by surprises, and they stand a better chance of going home alive. Despite this very plausible application of the statement, the lieutenant could not shake the feeling that it could be more than that.

The darkness beyond the barrier pinpricked by distant points of light allowed him a sight to lose himself in. Her revelation almost felt like the candid yet covert little warning he had offered her earlier in the cruise. Always leave yourself a way out. He had learned that the hard way, personally and professionally. And he could not shake the feeling that Shepard in her own way was passing on something she had learned the same way. What she could not realize was that in too many ways, he carried a myriad of reasons to do precisely that which she suggested.

Exhaling quickly, Kaidan ran his hands through his hair; the tenderness had subsided nearly completely, though the residual tightness remained. Trying to classify her statement, he tried looking at this thing from the start. Shepard intrigued him from their first accidental meeting. Their growing friendship and their professional association merely intensified that little spark that popped when she joined him at that bar. There had been great relief as well as additional strain in learning that he was not alone in his infatuation. And now he found himself in this weird space with his commanding officer, harboring a desperate desire to know her better.

Trouble was that the prospect of her knowing him raised doubt in his mind. His past was not only the impetus for his warning, but it seemed to play right into hers as well. Of course, he was nearly certain that she could not expect what she could find in his past, nor did he know how to approach it carefully.

Leaning against the glass again he looked out at the stars as the question bore through his mind. How will she react? What might she say when she realizes who you are? Will she still look at you the same way when she finds out what kind of man you actually are? Kaidan asked his reflection before he spun and pressed his back against the glass. The barest shade of warmth shone, as he hoped she might not see him as some savage mutant. Though he had more than enough evidence to suggest that monster might just be precisely what she saw. It was what Rahna and his friends all saw. It was what his parents and siblings saw. It had been what the Alliance saw after the incident at BAaT.

How could he honestly expect that Shepard would not see him like that as well?

The quick kick of his heel against the transparent barrier reverberated through his spine. He wanted to hope she would see past it. He wanted to believe in the chance that he was not lining them both up for a tremendous disappointment. Part of him wanted to just tell her and get it over with. But he was not ready to deal with her looking at him like a freakish miscreant. Selfishly, he was not ready to let go of this yet, of her.