Chapter Seven

I'm updating early today, since Christmas has upset my typical schedule! Whoo-hoo.

The father's tears had splashed onto his bruised knuckles, and he'd ignored the tightness in his belly as he slid the needle in as quickly as he could, the smallest, most pointless act of mercy he'd ever done. But yet, he'd done it over and over and over.

Kruger forced his eyes open. He never slept after another execution, because his mind wouldn't leave him alone.

It's for the best, he told himself. He did it to stay alive; he killed his people to save them. He was strong enough to see the end.

But his conscience couldn't forget how easy he'd forgotten every face.

He sipped the coffee he'd brewed, bitter and black. On nights like these, he refused himself the comfort of cream and sugar.

"Tiberius Berg, Senior," he whispered to himself, writing the name down before holding his lighter to the paper.

Keeping names would be foolish, but at least he wrote them down and set them free to rise as smoke in the wind.

Did they become smoke? Or were they trapped as titans? Kruger watched the paper collapse into ash that singed his fingers, and he rather embraced the pain. Did souls exist, and were they for everyone?

"You seem troubled, dear." Raina ran her hand through her daughter's black curls.

"I'll be okay." Ilona finally knew the agony of isolation. Oh, she couldn't bear it.

She didn't want to be Eren Kruger. She didn't want a furtive fight; she wanted to cry out for freedom in the middle of the city, at noon, with her arm stretched wide.

"Mom, what would you do if you knew something wicked – something truly hurtful – was about to take place? But stopping it could hurt you and people you love. What is more right: preserving yourself so you can continue doing good, saving those you love – or saying fuck this sin and risking chaos?"

"Ilona!" Raina gasped.

"Mother, I'm an adult. I assure you I've heard curses worse than that one."

"Still, I'd prefer you not to use it." Raina frowned and smoothed her golden curls. "What is this about?"

"I'd rather not tell you. It's not as bad as it sounds, I promise," Ilona said with as assuring a smile as she could muster. Oh, she was a liar in danger of hellfire, wasn't she?

Even if she couldn't trust Father, Mom she could trust. Right?

"I know what I'd choose. I'd follow my heart, silly as it sounds. I know pat phrases like that don't sound like much, but when your mind is your enemy and that's all you've got … Ilona, you'll find those phrases are truer than you know." Raina closed her eyes. "Stand for what you believe. Do not be ashamed. My father told me that, and I know I and your father have told you that before. And if you need to hear it again, here it is: stand for what you believe, and be not ashamed."

"Hmm." Ilona regarded her mother with a queer smile. "Thank you."

Today was one of his rare days off, and at the worst time. Lucky him; he could spend hours alone with a maelstrom of hideous thoughts. Kruger sat up and pressed his fingers against his temples to quell another of those pounding headaches.

Someone was banging on his door – that's why he'd awoken, and it was barely dawn – but fuck 'em. Kruger laid back down and closed his eyes.

A scuffling noise came from his chimney a few minutes, and Kruger froze. An animal? He hadn't the time.

To his shock, two fancy black shoes appeared next – not the sort he'd expect of a thief – and then a white skirt and a matching jacket, all mussed and irreparably ashed.

At the sight of him, two golden eyes brightened and a red mouth fell open.

"Hello, Eren." Ilona crossed her arms, acting as nonchalant as this preposterous situation allowed. He was here.

He wasn't done gaping at her. "What – the bloody hell –"

She winced. "You're here."

Kruger's eyebrows shot up. "You're here."

Beads of sweat appeared on her forehead. "Your roof is rather low, and all you soldiers are up by now."

"Not today," he said with a scowl. She couldn't know.

"That's a mighty coincidence," she fumed.

"Well. Now that I've caught you, would you care to tell me what on earth has possessed you? Did someone inject you with lunatic serum?" Kruger grabbed the nearest shirt he had and pulled it over his muscled chest. "Hey, now you've seen me half-naked, too; does that please you?"

Ilona flushed. She'd been too upset at his presence to notice his lack of attire, but now, oh, he was attractive. She scrambled for words. "You soldiers are the ones doing the injecting, or am I wrong?"

Kruger paused in the middle of buttoning. Relief sank into his veins. "You came about the kid."

Ilona tugged on her loose curls, avoiding his gaze. "No, I actually planned on confronting you about that later. I came here to find your secret documents that prove you're doing more as Night Owl than just helping Zeke Jaeger from your charitable heart."

His breath caught, and the silence lay dark between them. Relief dissipated faster than steam on a titan. "What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, must I really spell it out? If you're smart enough to grow an Eldian Restoration movement in Liberio, you're smart enough to know what I meant."

"Then I'm also smart enough not to admit it," he said carefully.

Ilona smiled sadly. "Children don't keep secrets, you know."

He said nothing.

She hardened her eyes. "And now I know. I know you're a traitor, I know you're helping Zeke, and, yes, I know you killed Tiberius Berg. Thought I've no idea how you reconcile these."

"If I've done any of that, you've no need to reconcile any of it. That'd be for me to do. And if I had done all those, I'll admit they couldn't be reconciled," he said simply.

She met his gaze. "I'm sorry you can't."

"What do you want?" he demanded harshly, jerking away as if sincerity were a plague. Perhaps it was.

Ilona sat on the only chair in his lone room – uninvited, he noted. She leant forward and stunned him with what she said next.

"You really think I would oppose an Eldian restoration? You think I wish to stop at handing gifts to children and then holding them as they cry over their executed parents? You think that's enough for me?"

"You are a Marleyan."

"Yes, and we're selfish bastards the both of us, but I don't think it's too late to change." Ilona wiped her eyes. "And I want to change. I've thought it over all night. I want to help."

"Then do nothing," Kruger whispered.

"What?!"

"It's dangerous," he said.

"I'm the woman who came down your chimney to search for evidence to blackmail you."

Blackmail? Kruger shrugged. "You're a bit too willing to put yourself in danger."

"Better than standing by idly as a father is turned into a titan."

"Idle!" Kruger lunged forward, and Ilona scrambled backwards into the wooden wall. "You think I don't participate? You think I sit back and let another take on this sin? You think I am that cowardly?"

She peered up at him. "I don't know you."

"I'm not," he said, and for a moment, he sounded like a child again. "I'm not. I'll never justify my actions, but I will never stand by."

"Even if it means sacrificing your conscience," she said softly, without judgment.

"Yes," he said, his voice hoarse. He staggered back to his bed. Sitting at least took some of the hammering away from his head.

Ilona saw the man in front of her, a handsome man with a haggard soul and a thousand holes in his bleeding heart. This – this was not a man whose identity was killer or traitor.

"Look." Ilona clasped her hands in front of her. "I came here to blackmail you for the sake of Zeke, if need be. I told you that you had better help him, and I meant it, but I can't change that my emotions arise because I know him. But can't you see, there's a hundred kids like him, like Tiberius – kids we don't even know because we haven't had the privilege, and their lives are as rich and meaningful? You can't save Zeke at the expense of everyone else in the titan program." Ilona pressed her glove over her mouth.

"I shouldn't, but I can, and I will. I don't have another option." Kruger glowered at her. "You think me cold?"

"I think you resigned and pessimistic."

"And I think you naïve and foolhardy!" Kruger leapt to his feet. "You think your fabled heroes ever save the day without committing some grave sin? You're wrong."

Ilona stared up at him and swallowed hard. "You're not a hero."

Right. He was a dying man who only wished to redeem every sin he'd committed. Kruger stepped away, shaking his head.

Soft gloves curled around his hand. He turned around in surprise.

"If I thought of an idea – a worthwhile idea, even if just halfway – would you help me?" Tears glistened in her eyes.

"Have you thought that perhaps watching his friends die may help motivate Zeke?"

"There are a million means to motivate. Why settle for this one?"

Because it motivated me. Kruger's jaw clenched.

"You're gone quiet. Do you agree?" Ilona stepped forward. "Eren, you seem troubled."

"Why wouldn't I be?" He laughed.

"No, more than that." Ilona racked her mind. What had she – oh. "Oh."

Her shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Or hurt you; that might be the better word."

"You can't hurt me, Lady Minsk."

"I just did." Ilona bit her lip. "And if you're pretending to be hard and proud, perhaps recall that we're on a first name basis."

Kruger ran a hand through his dark hair. "What would you have me say? I'm a soldier; I've seen unpleasant sights."

She took him by the arms, eyes glowing, face encased with earnest. "I'd have you have coffee with me and not resign yourself alone to compress your bitter memories."

"And confide in you."

"If need be." Ilona shrugged and chuckled. "We're already banks of each other's secrets." One hand glided off his arm reached out and opened his door, while the other, surprisingly strong, tugged him along. "If anyone inquires, I'm speaking to you about the security in Liberio."

"Wait. You're a mess. A proper lady stepping out of a soldier's house in the morning – surely you don't wish for gossip." Kruger grabbed his jacket and tried to wipe the ash off her coat and skirt.

"You needn't – wearing white was not one of my brighter ideas." Ilona stilled his hands. "I appreciate it, but I'm clumsy and dirtied myself from my own clumsiness, don't you see? Not even a lie. Let them gossip."

Kruger hesitated. He wasn't escaping her pity, was he? "If you say so."

She nodded and led him outside.

"They burned them," he said quickly, squinting in the morning light. Perhaps coffee would help his head.

Ilona closed the door behind them. "Who?"

"Who do you think?"

"I'm not a mind reader," she said in a consistently sympathetic tone.

He glanced around to ensure no one was listening. "My family."

"Eren." Ilona's mouth was open and there were tears – actual tears – in her eyes. "That's awful."

"I watched from a closet," Kruger said dully, determined not to show emotion. Not anymore. "I was too young to even see that the flames were about to engulf me, when a neighbor rescued me." He scoffed. "Well, now you know why I've been determined to change the government."

"They shouldn't have died," she said shakily.

"No, but what would you have me say? Nothing that should happen has consequence. Hence why, since I was ten, I've taken steps to make what should happen be what will happen." Kruger glanced sideways. "That doesn't always work out."

"And that means you participate in things that shouldn't happen."

"I've long accepted the sacrifices to my conscience." Kruger sighed. "Better me than another."

"That's actually…quite kind of you," Ilona mused.

"I don't seem the kind type, do I?"

"Nor do the Eldians match the oppressive type. I daresay it's good when people don't match what they seem." Ilona nodded. "You are kind, as much as you can afford, and I – I think that makes you a kind person."

Kruger swallowed against an unexpected lump in his throat. God damn it, emotion! "That…means a lot to me."

Tiberius had nibbled his fingernails down until they bled, and he was quite certain Dina noticed, though she said nothing. Zeke was out training, because he had only two days left before qualifications, leaving Tiberius defenseless against a recovered Sally.

"Why am I out before Mom? Dr. Jaeger said I was more injured than her." Sally flopped onto their makeshift bed. "She doesn't want to get better."

"You don't know that," Tiberius snapped.

"I do! I heard her talking to the nurse." Sally rolled over to glare at Tiberius. "She said she couldn't be a good mother and she wished she had died."

"You misheard."

"I was there, not you. Stop acting like you know everything," Sally growled.

"Is everything okay in here?" Dina peeked in.

"Yes," Sally said sullenly.

"Doesn't sound okay," Dina said gently. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Sally shook her head while Tiberius did nothing. Adults always took the easiest answer.

"Well," said Dina, "Miss Ilona is here to see you."

"Ilona!" Tiberius' eyes lit up. He wanted – he needed Zeke to stay. And if anyone could figure out how to save Zeke, Ilona could. Not that she was particularly capable, but she seemed more capable than most adults he knew.

"Tiberius, hello! Sally, I heard you're better." The children scrambled downstairs, and Tiberius was mildly pleased that she'd mentioned him first.

Ilona extended her arm, and Tiberius wrapped his arms around her.

"Why do we like her again?" Sally said loudly. Half of her wished to alleviate her confusion, another half to distract herself from hugs.

"I – I, uh, helped out with medical expenses," Ilona said quickly. It wasn't a lie, and both she and the Jaegers were uncertain how Sally should know.

"Oh." Sally pouted. "Does everything cost money?"

"Nearly," Dina said with a laugh.

"I don't want to be a charity case!" Sally shrieked suddenly. Ilona and Tiberius froze.

"Sally, shh. It's okay." Dina dropped before Sally. She was a charity case herself, wasn't she? Once she'd been the only Fritz behind on Marley, and now she had a restoration movement supporting her, a husband and a son.

"I don't want to shh!" she wailed.

"I have an idea, then. You're so mad you want to punch something, right?" Dina asked.

Sally nodded with a hiccup.

"Then come with me. Zeke has a training test later this week, so he'll have plenty of equipment you can practice with," Dina said. "He's a nice boy." She turned around. "Tiberius, would you like to come?"

"I'll stay with Ilona," he replied, slipping his pale hand in her dark one.

"Of course. Do you mind?" Dina asked Ilona, unsure how to address this Marleyan to her face, even as many times as she'd been told to say Ilona.

"Not at all, if you don't mind us staying in your house."

"No," Dina said, still confused that this woman didn't hate her.

As soon as the door shut behind them, Tiberius shoved Ilona in earnest. "Do you have a plan to help Zeke?"

"I'll stay with Ilona," he replied, slipping his pale hand in her dark one.

"Of course. Do you mind?" Dina asked Ilona, unsure how to address this Marleyan to her face, even as many times as she'd been told to say Ilona.

"Not at all, if you don't mind us staying in your house."

"No," Dina said, still confused that this woman didn't hate her.

As soon as the door shut behind them, Tiberius shoved Ilona in earnest. "Do you have a plan to help Zeke?"

"Yes," she said. Albeit a thin one, one that would need considerably more bulk to convince Kruger. And she had to convince him. She didn't want him to stay resigned to hopelessness. Despite her misgivings, she plowed ahead. "But I may need your help."

"Anything." His blue eyes shone.

"Dr. Jaeger has a chemical supply, right?"

"Yes," Tiberius said slowly.

"Then would you know if he has any of these chemicals?" Ilona handed Tiberius a list from her sweating hands.

"I don't know," he said nervously, scanning the names too long for him to pronounce. "But you can look. Zeke showed me where the key to the cabinet is."

He stopped halfway across the room. "I just – I feel like I'm hurting them. Grisha and Dina have been so nice. I don't ever want to leave here."

Ilona swallowed, not much liking the idea herself. "I'll hurt them, not you."

She was his recruit, recruiting him back, wasn't she?

Another thought struck her: if so, she wasn't much different than Marley recruiting Eldian children.

Ilona sucked in a breath. "No, you're right. We shouldn't steal from the Jaegers. I will find another way. I'm sure there's a Marleyan store – no one will suspect a Marleyan, anyhow." She knelt before him, desperate for clemency. "Tiberius, can you forgive me? I promise, I care for you and Zeke and the Jaegers for who you are. I'm so sorry I tried to bring you into this."

"I brought you into it, first," Tiberius protested. "I want to help!"

"You already have. And you will still, by being Zeke's friend and not stealing from his family."

"You know I'm good at stealing." A smile peeked around the corner of his mouth.

"And better at friendship," Ilona replied as his smile bloomed in his eyes.

After their lengthy conversation yesterday, Kruger had hardly expected to see her today, let alone this morning. But knowing Ilona Minsk, he really ought to have expected her waiting outside the coffee stand earlier than the sun.

He rather enjoyed her.

"You don't say." Ilona shoved Kruger, nearly jostling his coffee out of his hand.

"Watch it. For what it's worth, it's not a half-bad idea. A ten percent chance is higher than I anticipated, coming from you." Kruger eyed her solemnly. "I should know better than to judge. You're quite capable."

"Not of accepting compliments," Ilona admitted, blushing more than she expected.

"Oh, please. You wouldn't rather me hold your rank against you forever, would you?" Kruger rolled his eyes. "Well, we've only a day. We'd best start straight away."

"I've a contact with access to what we'll need for the second part, but I've no means of accessing the school."

"That would be my job, I suppose." Kruger sighed. "It's no secret who your contact is, though you probably shouldn't say the name. How much does the kid know?"

"It's not him, and too much for any kid."

"I suppose." He took a deep breath and felt her hand on his arm. Supportive and kind. "You're too short to reach my shoulders, aren't you?"

"Not if I stand on my tiptoes." She wrinkled her nose. "What are you, a miniature titan?"

Kruger laughed, a bit wary how close she'd come to the truth. "Drop it down my chimney by tonight, and don't get caught. I have faith in you. I'll get your stuff into place."

"You're on guard duty tonight," she said slowly as his faith warmed her heart.

"Perhaps. Were you planning on tailing Gross and I again?"

"Not just I." Ilona closed her eyes. "We can't, can we."

His voice was graven. "I'd prefer you, and whoever this mysterious partner is, never do that again."

"I can't promise that."

"For the restoration?" Kruger's heart pounded. If Gross were investigated, he would be too. And if he fell before he could pass on his powers – well, he'd kill before that happened.

And, looking at the young idealist before him, killing now sickened him.

"We're also doing this for Eldians." Ilona moaned as another idea crystalized in her stomach. "But I can promise we won't interfere with tonight."

"Jack, a word." Ilona shut the door behind herself.

Jack stood in the corner of his office, brightly lit enough to compensate for his depression.

"We can't," she said, wondering how to begin. Now was not the time to freeze, not before her friend, not before the rebellion she'd only just aligned herself with.

"Can't what? Why are you here? You know the plan is for tonight." Jack dropped a stack of shiny-inked newspapers on his desk.

"I'm here because my presence linked to you would raise enough circumstantial evidence that we can't keep our plans for tonight."

"What are you talking about?" His voice was low and trembled a little.

"Eren Kruger is not our murderer."

"But Gross is! I fail to see your point. You want to stop him; I know you do." Jack approached her. "What's gotten into your head?"

"Nothing I can explain to you," she said tightly.

"You might as well try," he said with a shrug. "You know I'll investigate."

"Then please do."

"Stop being a child." Jack seized her by the shoulders. "What is wrong?"

"If I'm honest, I considered claiming I'm star-eyed for Kruger and desperate to protect him, but –"

"I'll believe that the day I believe water is red," Jack said.

"I know, so I won't lie to you." She appreciated his faith in her. "But I need you to investigate further, and quieter. None of your higher ups hear about this."

Jack jerked away. "Why would I? You pull out now, you jeopardize a story we've spent months investigating. A story that could change the way the government does things!"

"I doubt it. There's no way you didn't know what the government does to Eldian children," Ilona said.

Jack inhaled. "Is that what this is about? You're lashing out because I haven't been forthcoming to a privileged girl whose greatest problem is her own savior complex?"

Shame flashed like lightning across her face.

"Ilona, I'm sorry –"

"Don't." She cut him off, her voice thick. "In a way, he'd done a favor by providing her an exit. "I have more problems now. You should be relieved to know. But there's something else: you can no longer afford me endangering you. So I won't."

"What problems?" he growled.

"Problems more than my own savior complex."

"It's not a bad problem to have – "

"Stop walking back your own words, Jack, unless you mean it. Didn't you teach me that? Don't be a hypocrite. Erase all the areas you have been. That's all I really have to say to you." Ilona wiped her sweating palms on her skirt and backed out of his office before she could burst into tears.

She hated hurting him. She'd betrayed her master. Kruger had never mentioned how much treason corroded a heart.

But if Jack did what they anticipated, perhaps this treason would be worthwhile.

It's momentary, Kruger had insisted. And it was your idea!

Betrayal is eternal, she shot back. Of family, of friends, even if for children.

Ilona glanced over her shoulder one last time before leaving the office.