Chapter Eleven

Content note: mildly steamy fluff.

Kruger had always preferred the comfort of late night to morning's blazing reality, but these past mornings had changed his perspective. Somewhat.

In the week since she'd discovered his secrets and he'd discovered hers, the sight of her each morning her thrilled him, and for once he let himself enjoy his feelings. From the sparkle in her eyes, she had information for him, too, but that was second to her. "Care for a stroll to Liberio?"

"You know I'm always headed there." Ilona rolled her eyes and squeezed his fingers. Her eyes sparkled with feeling.

"Still too afraid to visit the kid?" Kruger asked quietly as they began walking side-by-side. Most citizens would assume he was her guard, so for the moment, they were safe.

"I can't have him linked to me should anything happen." Ilona closed her eyes. "But I miss him."

"I spent twenty years alone," he said hesitantly. "To protect others, maybe, but mostly just…a mission."

"Was it your mission you protected?" Ilona asked carefully. "Or yourself?"

"I really don't know." Kruger glanced sideways to catch her gaze. "I am my mission, Ilona."

In more ways than she even knew. Yet. Ilona was too clever not to determine the rest.

"You've a queer smile on your face," she noted. "But that's besides the point, handsome. In truth, you strike me as a martyr."

"Martyr?" Kruger stared at her. She knew he savagely murdered his Eldian brethren, be they man, woman, or child, all to keep his identity secret.

Ilona nibbled the edge of her coffee cup. She ought to tell him about the documents she'd copied, but there was something personal she must mention first, selfish as she was.

"I was snooping in my father's office last night. And I found – I mean I looked for – military records."

"And?"

"And I read you haven't missed an execution since you began your service. In fact, you volunteered for as many executions as possible. You were even promoted and assigned to the East, but you insisted on staying and continuing your involvement in Eldian interrogations." Ilona raised her eyebrows.

"What do you think of that?" he asked stiffly.

"I think you martyr yourself. You've made torture your…version of death. I think…you figured that if these atrocities were continuing, you ought to be the one to face your brothers and sisters, to acknowledge your guilt and drive more knives into your conscience." Ilona sighed. "Am I wrong?"

Kruger's face was stricken.

"I know I oughtn't have spied on you," she said as tears sprung to her eyes. "I hope you can forgive me. I just…I didn't want to trouble you with questions. I suppose I was afraid of troubling you."

"You're a spy." Kruger nudged her foot with his. Of course he wished she had spoken to him first. But… "I forgive you."

"You don't have to."

"I do," he said irritably. "But I'm not a selfless person. I execute for my own safety."

"Then, you execute for your mission. You said so yourself: you and your mission are one and the same. I admire you."

He shook his head. "It's not possible to ensure I'm selfless. I'm not the hero you want me to be."

"I want you to be who you are, as you are."

"What brought us to this point," he said, shifting, "was my question regarding the kid. It's not possible, Ilona, to wipe your selfishness. Occasionally, you're allowed to indulge. Like you did last night. And today, when you will visit the child you love."

Ilona's mouth dropped open.

"Like I spend time with the woman I love," he added with a smirk.

"Oh, you!" As Ilona elbowed him, she decided to let the matter sink. She just wanted him to know she admired him. "Funny, I've already decided the same for the man I love."

"Please busy yourself while I … drop off." Kruger wished he could tell her about Werner's mailbox. But the more diffuse the pieces everyone knew, the safer they were.

"I'll see you tonight," she said pointedly, and he nodded.

He was who he was. But, to her surprise, today she trusted him enough not to spy on his secrets, to feel guilt for what she'd already done.

Maybe she was changing for the better. Ilona headed to the poorhouse with a hopeful smile on her face.

"How are things at home?"

Zeke gulped. He hated that question. Here, he was the smartest and the strongest. There, he may have been the special one, but he was never special, bright, or strong enough.

He wished he could cry and tell Fischer. "It's fine."

"Did you know," said Fischer, chewing on his lower lip, "it's been said that 'fine' is practically a universal sign that something is wrong?"

"Zeke." Fischer pushed off the wall to towered above Zeke. "You're unusually dedicated for someone your age. Fearless yet obedient. I'd like to consider those strengths, but I can't – and I especially can't recommend you to keep continuing if I don't know your motives."

"What – what do you mean?" Zeke stammered. "I want to give my family a good life."

Fischer took his hands. "Are your parents forcing you? The army doesn't need slaves. You'll need to think on your own when you visit Paradis."

"I can think on my own. I get good marks." Tears filled Zeke's eyes, but he knew not to let them fall. Tears disappointed the military. And he could not disappoint.

"Are your parents mean to you?" Fischer asked bluntly.

"What?" Zeke shook his head. "No. They want me to succeed is all. They care about my mission."

"Mission?"

"To defend Marley as payment for what my bad people did," Zeke parroted.

Even Fischer had to cringe at the idea that this sweet boy was concentrated evil. But to question that would be to question Marley, to question history and fact itself. And Fischer did not question fact. "Well said."

Zeke nodded, relief shining through his glassy blue eyes. "But, Captain Fischer?"

"Yes?"

"I understand why you want to reward us for helping you. But if Marley is right, shouldn't we want to help you anyways? I want to. It's only fair."

"Ah." Fischer had had this very concept explained to him before the military implemented this program. "Well, you say that now, because you've had a very good influence in this school. All Marleyan teachers, all proper history. But were you in an Eldian school, with foolish teachers who distort history, you might already believe yourself maligned and oppressed. Eldians by themselves, as history proved for 1800 years, cannot be trusted. But the more Eldian your influence, the more you think you can trust your hurt feelings because it enhances your pride." He shook his head sadly. "Yes, there are those who are even proud to be monsters."

Zeke struggled to comprehend Fischer's verbose explanation. "I see."

A terrifying thought occurred to him: perhaps Marley was right. Perhaps his parents couldn't be trusted.

No. No, no, no. He remembered Father scolding him and Mom nodding in approval, and yes they were unfair, but they weren't evil. His parents weren't bad.

But Fischer was a learned man, too, like Father. Zeke shivered. "Can I go now?"

"Of course. Let me walk you home. I apologize for keeping you late again. I just want to make sure your conscience is uncorrupted." Fischer squeezed Zeke's hands.

"Zeke!"

As soon as they exited the school building, Zeke nearly collided with Tiberius. "Tiberius! Wait, why are you here?"

Was there trouble? His stomach pounded along with his heart.

Tiberius gaped at Captain Fischer, a smiling man with dark eyes and a feathery mustache. The man who was teaching his friend to sacrifice himself. He scowled.

"No need to be suspicious," said the man. "Zeke and I were having a pleasant conversation. Is this your friend?"

"Yes. Our parents are friends, too," Zeke explained.

"I see."

"Your parents were worried you were late," Tiberius blurted.

"Okay." Zeke tried not to act concerned. "This is Tiberius Berg."

He took small satisfaction in Fischer's reaction. See, I can think for myself. My friend is different from me.

"Ah." The man's eyes widened, no doubt recognizing the name. "Pleasure to meet you. I'm Captain Ferdinand Fischer."

"And you," Tiberius said coolly. "I'll walk home with Zeke, since I'm sure you have military business to attend."

"Of course," said Fischer again. "Well, Zeke, you won't get in trouble, will you?"

"No," Zeke said quickly.

"Good. Have a pleasant evening." Fischer tipped his hat and strode away. So Jaeger was friends with the Berg boy, eh? This didn't bode well for his favorite pupil.

"Finally." Ilona brushed as much ash out of the way as she could while Kruger shimmied out her chimney. "I was worried; you really should have let me come to you."

"If I'm seen, I'm not suspicious. It's not fair to have you risk more than you have to." Kruger coughed out charcoal. "Though I'm not sure how you do that on a regular basis."

"Well, I am significantly smaller than you. I'm glad the dogs didn't eat you."

"That meat idea does the trick." He didn't mention that he'd spent half his weekly pension on it.

"Always." Ilona grabbed the papers she'd copied from her bed. "Here they are."

Kruger peered at the pages in the lamplight. "It's our second dialect, as we call it. A cipher used for higher ups on sensitive information."

"Like Paradis Island," Ilona said dryly.

"Yes." Kruger sank to the carpet and leant against her bed. "Fortunately, I am one of those officers with access." He pulled a few folded pages from his jacket pocket.

"Here." Ilona shoved a pen and fresh paper into his hand. "I've told the servants I've a headache, so they shan't bother us. Is there anything else I can do?"

"Keep me company." Kruger flashed her a smile before the cipher absorbed him.

Kruger set down the pen with a sigh. "Seems the rumors of the First King using his titan to remove the people's memories were correct."

Ilona perched above him, looking down at his translations. "So they're helpless."

"They believe all of humanity is extinct except for them."

Ilona gasped. "That's so sad!"

"And wicked. They won't be able to defend against Marley," Kruger said darkly.

"Someone needs to take this titan, then," Ilona declared. "From King…Fritz?"

"He can't be the real king." Kruger stared up at her. "He's been king for twenty years. The titan bearers only live about thirteen."

"What?" Ilona froze. Her voice became shrill. All she could picture was Zeke's eyes as he pled for his friend. "So we saved those children – Zeke and the others – for them to die anyhow?"

"Everyone's going to die someday," Kruger snapped. "They might as well do good and help their countrymen."

"Without any choice?" Ilona demanded.

"Is Marley giving us a choice?" Kruger's expression blazed.

Tears pooled in her eyes. "No."

Kruger wrapped his arms around her. "I hate it, too."

Ilona heaved a sob. "It's so unfair. Even if someone tries to find the real king and take his titan – they'll have to martyr themselves. It's so unfair."

"I know." Kruger rubbed her back, swallowing his own secret. "It's okay to cry for a few minutes."

She kissed his cheek. "And then we must determine how to fight back. Getting a person to sacrifice themselves for the founding titan, convincing hundreds of thousands they've been brainwashed – it's almost insurmountable. But not quite."

"It can't be," Kruger agreed. "The problem is to reach the walls, you'd need to be a titan yourself."

"Zeke?" Ilona asked softly. No, not him.

"When the time comes," Kruger said.

"I wish I could do it," she muttered. "It's only fair a Marleyan take the sacrifice. I wish there was a way."

"I'd rather you live, thank you very much." Perhaps she had only seen his martyr-like inclinations from her own, inclinations he wasn't sure he loved or feared her.

"Well, anyone would." Ilona snorted. "But I'd rather be of use."

"You have been." Kruger squeezed her hand. "You're the best person I know."

"Funny, that's how I feel about you," Ilona shot back. "But 'best' does not inherently equal 'useful.'"

"Well, then perhaps you could have helped decipher the code," Kruger sassed.

She rolled her eyes and flopped backwards onto her bed. "If I could read your military talk, I would. Why not teach me?"

"Are you so eager to learn?" Kruger eyed her curves lying before him.

Ilona propped herself up on her elbows. "Perhaps."

"What if we learn something different?" His voice dropped and his mouth rose to meet hers. He wanted every moment he had left with her.

Ilona giggled against him. He bent over her and she rather liked it.

The servants wouldn't bother her, not if they believed her ill. Ilona dug her mouth into his with a ferocity he hadn't expected.

"Ilona." Kruger stayed upright. He didn't want to pin her down, didn't want her to think he would even try to persuade her.

She pulled away and peered up at him. "I love you."

He gave her the most tender of smiles. "I love you, too."

Her hand stroked his hair, his face, his chest. Her touch was enough to set his pulse hotter than a titan. "You can stay tonight, if you want."

Kruger's breath caught. He didn't want to be presumptuous, even half crouched over her as he was. "You mean…the dogs. They would catch me."

Her cheeks were now the color of sunrise. "Not just that."

Kruger caught his breath. He caressed her hair to busy his hands with something, anything. "Are you sure?"

"If you want to," she whispered, eyes suddenly concerned.

"Of course I do." His face melted, and his mouth met hers again.

She pulled him onto her and guided his hands inside her corset – her breasts were warm and soft, her heartbeat wild with life. His face burned as he helped her upright so she could shrug off her dress and undergarments.

"You're beautiful," he said as she sat before him, her hands still covering herself on instinct.

She removed her hands, fully open and vulnerable for him.

Ilona watched heat fill his cheeks as his pulse hammered in his throat. He desired her, for all she ever was.

Emboldened yet blushing, she reached for his shirt. He sat still, afraid that by breathing he might break this moment, as she unfastened button by button until his chest was once again bare. She ran her fingers down the hair on his chest and he caught them and directed them lower.

Ilona closed her eyes with wonder, as she had when she leapt off a cliff into deep water as a child.

He slid off his boots and the two of them lay side-by-side, naked, free, their hands exploring each other. She gasped slightly.

"Should I stop?"

"No," she replied instantly, smiling with her eyes in that way only Ilona could.

"May I?" Kruger whispered as his heart quickened.

She nodded. Her eyes shone at him, framed by wild curls.

"Say it?"

"Yes."

He pressed his lips down against hers and wrapped his taut body around hers.

"We shouldn't," said Tiberius, crossing his arms.

"Coward." Sally stuck out her tongue.

"He's not a coward," Zeke said instantly.

"I was just teasing." Anxiety sparked in Sally's stomach.

"I know," Zeke said, even though he hadn't. Ignorance was dangerous. "I still think we can."

"And I think we should," Sally said.

"I don't want to get in trouble." Tiberius shivered, remembering the last time he'd snuck around Liberio after dark, the night he'd met Ilona.

"But aren't you curious what Mom is doing?" Sally tugged his hands free.

"Yes, but … "

"I can get us there without being seen," Zeke interrupted. He could act on his own and still be useful.

"Guess I'm overruled, then." Tiberius begrudgingly followed his sister and friend. He had to wonder if moments like these were Zeke's only means of escaping his burden.

His heart hammered. The Eldians had already been blamed for the Alexandria Disaster despite no evidence. There might be more patrols out.

And what if…they had caused it? Tiberius didn't like the idea of endangering people. Someday it would backfire. Someday they or Ilona would die.

Kruger lay sweating atop Ilona. Their limbs were splayed in a variety of directions, and he was sure he had experienced nothing quite so sacred as being inside her. "You…you're amazing."

"As are you." Their eyes radiated mutual love and acceptance as their lips met yet again. Yet again, one last time before they fell asleep in each other's arms.

A few minutes and several twists and turns later, Zeke lay down before a low, cracked window. "You can see the basement from here."

He smiled at Tiberius. "I hated being alone."

Tiberius returned the smile, thrilled to be valued.

Sally scowled. "Will we hear?"

"If we stay quiet," Zeke whispered.

Below the dusty window, there was a dimly lit room with a solitary table covered in ancient books probably only Zeke could understand. And twenty people, including the Jaegers and now Alma.

"Welcome, sister," said a blonde man, nodding swiftly at Alma, who nodded back.

This was her life's meaning. She had been reborn. And damned if she wouldn't take it seriously. Dina squeezed her elbow.

"Any report on Alexandria?" asked the blonde.

"The Owl doesn't mention who did it. None of us know, either?" Grisha looked around the room.

No's and shaking heads flurried around the room. Alma looked around nervously.

"Does his note contain anything else?" grunted a bearded, middle-aged man.

"Yes…" Grisha sighed. "Marley has decided to punish us by increasing our taxes five percent."

"Five percent?" exclaimed the blonde.

"Does that surprise you, Grise?" Dina asked dryly.

"No, but…" Grise swore.

Sally's eyes alighted at the new word as an automatic smirk bloomed on her lips. Zeke had to admire her.

"Language, son," scolded old man Werner, and Sally clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from snickering.

"Adults don't change," Tiberius had to whisper, and Zeke nodded. But his expression changed from amused to sad, and Tiberius mouthed, you okay?
Zeke nodded quickly as the Restorationalists resumed their conversation.

"They're also cutting rations for the poorhouse," said Grisha.

Now Alma jerked. The poorhouse was how she fed her children back when Tiberius drank it all away. The pain burned her, but now she embraced the present over the past. Now she knew she was Ymir's.

"We shouldn't let that happen," said Dina.

"What are you proposing?" Grise turned to her.

Dina glanced towards Grisha. They'd barely had time to talk since the note, but hopefully he'd approve. "I believe that once per week – frequent enough to be useful, infrequent enough to alleviate suspicion – some of us raid the food facility."

"That's a bold risk right now," said the bearded man.

"It's worth the risk. These are people's lives," Dina said.

"I agree," Alma said quickly. "I'll even volunteer."

Grisha eyed her.

"I don't know. We barely know you. How would you do this?" said a short, dark-haired man.

"I know a Marleyan," Alma said quickly. "Or, well, my son does. She's involved in the relief program. I'm sure if I ask the right questions, I'll figure out how the food storage works."

"You'll have to be careful," said Grisha. But out of all Marleyans, he disliked Ilona the least, so perhaps Alma's plan would work. And he wanted to encourage her.

"You think it's a good plan?" Werner turned to Grisha, along with everyone else.

"I do," said Grisha with a wink towards Dina.

"Mom's becoming a badass," Sally whispered.

"Shhhh."

Zeke recalled Fischer's warnings on abuse. "I think she's always been. Even before she joined the restorationalists."

Ilona stirred besides him, and Kruger's heart raced again.

"Good morning," he said, turning to her with a smile. He tugged one of her curls, and her cheeks turned pink.

"Eren." She smiled back, a little nervously.

"Are you okay?" Had he hurt her?

"I'm happy," she said, snuggling closer to him. "But also a bit frightened. I confess I've never done anything like this before. But mostly I am happy. And you?"

"Likewise," he said. "With the mission…I never thought much about sex, much less ever thought I would want to make love to anyone. I'm in my thirties and I've never had a lover – well – until – and then you came along – You ruin everything, you know that?"

"Your face is red," Ilona noted. "And it's adorable."

"Make it redder." Kruger covered her mouth with his again.