Chapter Fifteen

His palms were sweating and his hands shaking as he fumbled to fit his key in the doorknob. Open – dammit – so close to home, where he could sit down – he couldn't startle Ilona.

These short moments of breathlessness were increasing in length and frequency. Do I have less time than I thought?

Finally Kruger staggered into his home and caught the table. The stress of the last week was far too much.

"Eren!" Ilona cried out.

He met her horrified gaze, but could only manage a whisper. "I'm – I'm fine."

Ilona clenched her teeth and marched forward, shutting the door he'd forgotten to close.

Dammit.

"Don't lie to me, Eren." And now she was guiding him towards the bed.

"No, I'm supposed to take care of you," he mumbled.

"Shut up and lie down, Mr. Titan," she said with as much humor as she could muster.

He closed his stinging eyes and listened to the soft sounds of her shuffling around their home. If only – if only they had years to live and heal together here.

He felt a spoon on his lips. Broth steamed with flavor on his tongue.

"What is this?"

"Dinner. You didn't expect me to live on your cooking forever, did you?" Ilona smiled slightly. "I, uh, went and bought food today.""

Kruger's face was serious. "How was that?"

"Few people recognize me without fineries." Ilona twisted a curl around her finger. "So it was okay. I just – I – why should I be ashamed or afraid? Because society says I'm defiled? Because the military hurt me? They should be ashamed, not me. If they thought they broke me, they did, but I'll rebuild stronger."

"You're right," Kruger said, his strength returning at her fiery temper. Did she actually believe this? Since last week, it was all he ever wanted.

"Do you think so?" Ilona's smile wavered. "Because if you don't, I want to know. And if you do, I need you to believe it and tell me so when I – I can't for myself."

"Always." Kruger set down his bowl and drew her close to him. While I'm here. His voice broke. "I would give anything to stay longer with you."

"I know." For the first time in a week, she felt the urge to feel his skin against hers, every inch of her loving him and every in of him loving her.

His trousers pressed against her face, and she couldn't breathe –

Ilona shuddered away the memory.

"Ilona?"

"Memories," she admitted, sucking in a deep breath. "I just – damn, if only every memory is as strong as those."

Kruger snorted. "Try having dozens of memories in your brain."

"I'd rather not." Ilona shoved him playfully and shrieked when he responded by tickling her neck.

These days, laughter felt like power. It wouldn't cure either of them, but it certainly dulled the pain.

"I – um – I wanted to ask you – have you – "

"We haven't found the man," said Fischer, ruffling Zeke's hair.

"Okay." Zeke feigned relief. Hopefully his days of lying to Fischer would finish soon.

"Have you heard anything else, Zeke?" Fischer cocked his head and leant back in his chair. "The information of someone like you has is invaluable."

"In – valuable?" Anxiety stabbed him.

"It means beyond valuable," Fischer said.

"Oh!" Zeke nodded.

He loved the praise. He wished he could properly enjoy it.

"So nothing else?" Fischer had to wonder if he was pushing too far.

"No," he said, then paused. "Well, actually, I – I don't know if it means anything – but I heard my father speculating that people are only stealing from the storehouse because they're starving."

"I see." Fischer nodded.

"I think Father heard it from his patients," Zeke added quickly. "I'm sorry; I know it's not much information…"

"Anything helps," Fischer said brightly. He sighed. "Though I do have to wonder why your father wouldn't tell us directly."

"I – I mean, he wanted to," stammered Zeke. Fischer could not talk to his parents. "I heard Mom telling him he had no evidence and you know, what if we get in trouble, too?"

"I understand." Fischer gave him a small smile, and Zeke shivered.

Did he? Did he really understand?

"Are you okay, Zeke?" Fischer asked kindly.

"Yes." Zeke forced cheer into his voice. "Just, I should be home soon. My parents might worry."

"I'll walk you home. Would it help if I explained you're helping me after school? I could be vague if you want."

Zeke's eyes widened. He never knew an adult to keep a secret for him. "No, that's really okay. Thank you."

"Always."

At home, Mom greeted him with a shadowed smile. "Where have you been?"

"My teacher teaches me extra. He says I'm really good," said Zeke.

"Is that so?" Mom beamed. "That's marvelous, sweetheart."

"What is he teaching you?" Father entered the room, and Dina noted Zeke's smile fade.

"Uh – uh – advanced fighter techniques."

"Really? Well, let me know if you want to practice sometime," said Father. "See, you are special."

Now Zeke wanted to cry. He wanted to be special for something real. What if he confessed to his parents? What if he said he'd led the officers astray? If he begged them that he'd only done it for Ilona?

He could just see Father shaking his head. Why would you put yourself in danger for a Marleyan? You're risking suspicion! You're not good enough to fight them until you're older!

"Zeke, what's the matter?" Dina waved a hand in front of his scared face.

"Oh – oh. Nothing, I was only daydreaming." Zeke wiped his eyes, though he hadn't cried. It just seemed the right thing to do.

"It's a lonely life you lead, Zeke," said Father. "It means a lot to us. Ymir would be proud of you."

Unless you mean my monkey, I don't care, Zeke thought. And then he felt even more afraid.

"History will remember you," agreed Dina. "Your sacrifices will not be in vain."

History will be very disappointed in you, his brain told him.

He was so lonely.

Her hair was tucked in a knot at the nape of her neck. Her dress was pink but plain. Ilona fit in here, outside, milling among the crowded streets.

She would do this quietly, but she would do it nonetheless. Kruger might worry, but Ilona couldn't let that stop her. Adrenaline sped through her veins as she approached the gate, and she turned her eyes down to avoid the alley.

With some relief, however, she found the guard unrecognizable, and easily passed into Liberio.

Knock, knock.

Alma cracked open the door and gasped at the young woman before her. "Ilona!"

"Hello, Alma." Ilona smiled nervously. "How are you doing?"

"I am fine. How – how are you?" Alma found herself frozen. She wanted to tell Ilona she wished she'd been there, that she was sorry, but she couldn't. Her lips wouldn't move.

Why was she here? She could endanger her kids! Alma's face cooled.

"I am fine," Ilona replied, unwilling to be honest. "Are Tiberius and Sally here?"

"Yes," Sally called, rushing out of her bedroom.

Tiberius poked his head beyond the door. His eyes widened. She was okay! She stood in their threshold as if nothing had happened. "Ilona!"

Ilona beamed as she embraced Sally and Tiberius. "I've missed you two. Staying out of trouble?"

"I haven't gotten in trouble in months," Tiberius admitted, pushing his hands in his pockets. Since we met went unspoken, but he liked to think she heard it regardless.

"Good." Ilona kissed the top of his head.

"I got yelled at by my teacher." Sally tossed her hair proudly. "Mira took Nina's doll and I made her give it back. But Mira's the teacher's pet so Miss Rhine got mad at me."

"You sound altogether unrepentant," Ilona said dryly.

"I am!"

"I'm glad," said Ilona.

Alma hung her head. She'd scolded Sally for this story, but, oh, for causing trouble that was happening anyhow? For protecting Nina Smith, who was too shy to protect herself? She was an unfit mother. They would be better off with a disgrace like Ilona.

"I've some treats for you." Ilona fished in her bag and pulled out peppermint sticks and lemon drops.

"Sugar!" shrieked Sally.

"Shh," Tiberius hissed. "Thank you, Ilona."

"You don't have to, you know," said Alma, brushing back a strand of hair.

"I know. And I know candy doesn't do a mite of lasting good, but maybe, improving even a little moment is worthwhile," said Ilona, watching Tiberius tentatively lick his peppermint stick.

Alma laughed, hoping Ilona would forget her behavior. "Now they won't eat dinner."

"We will," Sally protested.

Tiberius shook his head and winked at Ilona, who couldn't resist a laugh.

"Ilona!" Zeke now stood in the doorway, his mouth open.

"Well, now, isn't this apartment busy," said Alma.

"I was about to suggest we go see you," said Ilona, noticing the jealousy spark in his eyes.

Zeke's face brightened. "Are those lemon drops?"

"You won't like them. They're sour," said an already sticky Sally.

"I still wanna try," he mumbled as Ilona handed him the smooth yellow candy.

"Thought you might want to know," Miller said quietly, shoving the paper into the light.

"This? This looks more like an ape than a man," Kruger scoffed, inhaling his cigarette.

"Still, if it's related to your wife, or her, uh, former lover…I thought you might want to know." Miller now regretted that decision.

"So I can punish the man, is that what you mean?" Kruger rolled his eyes. "You'll need this in life sometime, Private: it's a fact that women are as human as men."

"No, sir, I meant to prepare you is all," said Miller, strain in his tone.

"He doesn't have Eldian features." Kruger squinted at the drawing, his pulse lowering.

"Does that surprise you?" Miller asked in disgust. "Gross probably tortured her into that confession."

"Why do you say that?"

"I mean no disrespect to the status of Sergeant Major, sir," he hurried to say. "But your partner's persona may very well be a disrespect itself."

Kruger eyed him solemnly. "I saw no one else willing to stop him."

"No, well, I mean, it's usually Eldians, and it's easy to believe a officer over a woman with something to hide, but since I know her I couldn't do that this time." Miller cleared his throat.

Don't make me hate you. Kruger crumpled the paper. "I see. I'll keep an eye out."

"How is she?" Miller blurted.

"Recovering," Kruger said evenly.

"O – okay then. I'll be on my way. Just, you know, if you could prepare her for his possible capture." Miller shrugged before scurrying away.

Kruger's mask collapsed the moment he left. He leant against a tree and fought to hold back his rage. Not only could he not catch his breath, but everyone insulted her. Everyone contributed to hurting her with every fucking insult to Eldians.

Ymir's curse? Or the pain of a rage that couldn't be quenched?

Kruger closed his eyes. He had to be better than their enemy. Emotions were for later. Emotions were for when he was dead.

"Private Miller," he called, tossing out his cigarette and striding through the doors.

"Yes, sir?" Miller straightened.

"I know you said to keep it under wraps, but what can you tell me about how you received this picture?"

Miller glanced around. No one else was around. "I can't tell you the name of the man. But…I can say it's an Eldian. Which, I mean, who can trust them…right?" Kruger must believe he didn't house any Eldian sympathies for the enemy. Because he didn't. "I believe it's one of our titan trainees."

"A child?" Kruger's eyes narrowed.

"Must be," Miller said with another shrug.

Well, that deepened the mystery. Either the Restorationalist had a puny ally, or they had a traitor who was truly mistaken.

"Thank you, sir." Kruger nodded briskly, as much a compliment as any officer who interacted with him could hope to receive.

Their plant was not so stupid, he'd been told. But what if little Jaeger thought he was being helpful? Kruger took a deep breath. He needed to get a message to the Restorationalists fast. With either option, Zeke, that child Ilona loved, was in danger.

"Your face when you tasted the lemon drop." Tiberius giggled as he walked home with Zeke. Ilona was long gone, and the gates to Liberio closed again.

"It was sour," Zeke admitted. "Don't tell Sally I didn't like it though!"

"Never." Tiberius placed his fist over his heart. Mom was forcing Sally to bathe rather than let her be seen in public as a "sticky spectacle." Tiberius tells Zeke he can always talk to him

"Thank you." Zeke smiled. "I was glad to see her."

Ilona's generous hands, her kind eyes, her ability to answer his insecurities before they began – seeing her convinced him he'd been right. All his lies, entering this tangled maze, was worthwhile.

"Me too." Tiberius swallowed. "She seemed more nervous to me."

"I don't think so," said Zeke. No, of course she was the same. But since he didn't want to alienate Tiberius, he added, "Or maybe I'm just too dumb to notice."

Tiberius frowned. "Zeke, you're talking like me when Father beat us. Are you sure you're okay?"

"My father doesn't beat me," Zeke snapped.

"I know. All I meant was you seem upset and like you don't like yourself, and I want you to like yourself, because I like you." Tiberius grabbed Zeke's hands.

"Oh. Well, I'm fine." Zeke's eyes stung. "But thank you. I – I really appreciate that."

Tiberius wrapped his arms around Zeke. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"I know," said Zeke, though he remained unsure. Still, Tiberius' words were everything he'd wanted, even if he was too weak to capitalize on them. He returned the hug with every emotion he'd ever had.

"You had me worried," said Kruger, breathing a sigh of relief.

"I'm sorry. I did leave a note," said Ilona, blushing.

"Oh, I know." Kruger smiled sadly. "How was it?"

"Good." Ilona blinked back tears. "Seeing them again…it's worth it." Her fists clenched. "Not that – that I ever thought otherwise – but – I hate how I feel sometimes."

"I understand," Kruger said, putting his hand on her shoulder.

She smiled up at him. "I might have to change how I do things, but I'm not giving up."

"I never expected you would. That's something I love about you." Kruger used his calloused thumb to wipe the tears away from her eyes.

She caught his hand and pressed it against her cheek. "I love you, Eren."

"And I love you." Kruger hesitated. "May I kiss you?"

Ilona chuckled. "Has anyone ever told you how sweet you are, underneath that tough officer persona?"

No one had ever told him so, except his mother when he was a toddler. Maybe. He wasn't sure.

Then she nodded, and he pressed his lips against hers. She opened her mouth, and Kruger's heart raced.

He broke away. "Tell me what you're comfortable with?"

"I will," she promised.

"Thank you." He returned her kisses and laid her down on their bed.

After a few minutes, Ilona stopped as cold crept along her spin. Panic titillated her nerves. "I – I'm starting to remember."

"Okay." Kruger rubbed her shoulders as he peered down with concern. "Can I do anything?"

Ilona scowled at her memories. "Keep going. But – slowly."

"All right." Kruger kissed the tip of her nose, and Ilona giggled at the welcome sensation. He chuckled in response, and in each other's eyes, they both felt safe.

"You seem upset today, Zeke." Fischer peered down at his pupil.

Zeke rubbed the smudges off his nose. He hadn't lost a fight in a long time. "I just – I feel like I'm irresponsible."

How can you be so irresponsible? Candy will ruin your health, Zeke, fumed Father.

"Irresponsible?" Fischer frowned.

Zeke's heart leapt. Maybe Fischer didn't think so! "I mean, with this program, I have to be the best. To help Marley."

Fischer leant forward. "Is that what you want?"

Zeke stared at the floor. "I don't know." See, irresponsible.

"Is it what your parents want?"

"Yes." Zeke shivered, filled with envy for Tiberius' easy life. "I suppose I want to be the best, too. To please them."

"You can't live to please others," Fischer said. "You have to live for yourself, too. You know you're a sinner. Live to cleanse that for your sake."

"I do," admitted Zeke, sniffling. He wanted to be free of this burden. "I want to, and I know I can. My parents say I'm special."

Didn't all parents, but these were different. Fischer said nothing, as he was trained. People revealed more to silence than questions.

"Mom's descended from the King of Eldia, you know? So they think I'm special, and I don't know how to deal with that. Do I try to right our wrongs and kill my Eldian family? Or do I try to help Eldia? They're my family, even if they're evil. I feel that urge, too. I'm such a miserable warrior." Zeke began to cry.

"It's a human urge, Zeke. Just because you feel sympathy, doesn't mean you have to act on it. I know you know the truth."

"I just want everything with the restorationalists versus the military to stop. They got Ilona hurt. They endanger my friends."

"The Berg children?"

"Yes. The restorationalists – they don't care if their lives are empty, as long as others' aren't, but I don't want my life to be empty. I want to make things right now," Zeke burst out, electric feeling pulsating through him.

Fischer tried to mask his surprise. He tilted Zeke's chin up. "You can."

"How?" Zeke's eyes swam.

"You know how. The answer is in you. Regardless of your feelings." Fischer hardly dared to breathe. He was so close to his mission.

Zeke began to tremble. "I know the leaders of the Eldian restoration."

"I know you do," said Fischer tenderly.

"What?"

"I'm very proud of you. You're brave."

Captain Fischer believed in him. Captain Fischer hadn't condemned him. Captain Fischer believed in his life dream.

"They're my parents." Zeke waited.

Fischer nodded at last. "First of all, I believe you. Do you want to be free to help Marley?"

"Yes."

"Good. Stay here while I make some arrangements?" Fischer held out his hand.

In his hand was another peppermint stick.