Jenny's year away from Emma.
Being back in London-for an indefinite time- after so long, felt like a defeat to Jenny, and more so now that she was alone. But here she was ready to reoccupy the house that holds not so pleasant memories but at the same time the only place where she wants or needs to be.
The vehicle that Jenny arrived in has not yet come to a complete stop when two women rush out the front door of her house to greet her.
"Jenny!" The older woman embraces Jenny as soon as she steps out of the car.
"Hi Julie." Jenny manages returning the hug. Even in her sad state the warm welcome from her housekeeper makes her smile.
"Are you feeling alright darling?" Julie asks pulling back, grabbing Jenny's face.
"Yeah I'm OK" the response Jenny gives lacks sincerity. She's grateful though Julie doesn't push for a more elaborate answer. It is then Jenny looks over the older woman's shoulder and notices someone else "hey Emily."
After being acknowledged, the girl, Julie's daughter, shyly greets "welcome back miss… Jenny."
"Thank you." Jenny passes by her, stopping briefly to grab her shoulder and walks inside the house.
Julie, Emily and Julie's husband, the driver, follow her close by.
Upon entering the house, Jenny scans the familiar surroundings, her eyes inevitably land on the large painting in the middle of the living room. She swallows suddenly as a knot in her throat forms, realizing she will never be able to look at the family portrait without feeling a tug at her heart. Not wanting to get emotional at this very moment, she walks quickly and starts climbing the stairs that lead to her bedroom.
The household staff remain awfully quiet, just watching Jenny expectantly.
Jenny stops in the middle of the staircase and turns around. She sighs noticing these kind people that work for her just want to help, desperately waiting for her instructions so they can feel useful somehow. Making a quick mental decision Jenny tries for her best bitchy posture before speaking.
"Julie."
"Yes my dear?"
"I've been craving your famous hot chocolate for a while now; do you think you could make me one for after my bath?"
"Of course! I'll have it prepared by then." The older woman replies with enthusiasm.
"Good" Jenny offers one of her signature smiles as she turns her gaze to the young girl "Emily, I'll need your best relaxing herbal bath ready in a few minutes, I really want to spoil myself tonight."
"Yes, right away!" Emily immediately turns to do what she's told.
"Thomas?" She finally addresses the man. "You've been taking care of my dad's car collection right? The one he asked me not to go near?"
The man nods "absolutely, all the cars are in perfect shape doll."
"OK, I need you to have them waxed and shiny by next week cause I'm gonna be driving them to school... all of them, one by one every single day."
The couple looks at each other in shock trying hard to hide their smiles, both now recognizing the Jenny they're used to.
"Consider it done" the man answers with all the seriousness he can manage.
Satisfied with their reactions, Jenny nods with sassiness as she resumes climbing the stairs.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The first month was a big blur for Jenny. She just went through the days like a zombie, from school to her house; doing her homework, reading or finding something to keep her occupied so she wouldn't have time to think. And if she did think about Emma, she simply took long baths where she tortured herself with what ifs until she's tired enough to fall asleep. That, if Emma didn't have the great idea of calling her to know how she was doing, then she would need more than just reading to keep her mind off her to at least survive.
In one of those attempts to distract herself, Jenny went shopping. She hasn't visited those particular establishments for a while so she decides it's a nice opportunity to check out what's new. She walked around the stores enjoying the experience very much, even purchasing some nice things in the process. And just as she's about to leave, bags in hand she runs into someone forcefully.
"whoa, careful!"
"Oh, you al… Hartman?" A man probably in his thirties responds with surprise.
Jenny freezes recognizing the man but recovers quickly enough to reply "Tom…hey."
The man chuckles slapping her arm "Of course it's you! It's been quite a long time huh? What have you been up to? I thought you were in Germany."
Visibly shaken but not wanting to seem vulnerable Jenny continues to chat "yeah, I was, I just came here to… visit."
"Oh I heard about your parents, sorry about that."
"Yeah thank you" Jenny's tone is flat.
"So with all that shite going on…" Tom looks around and leans closer to Jenny "… I bet you're searching for the good stuff huh?"
Jenny flinches and puts some distance between them, now showing traces of anger. "No, I'm not searching for anything Tom, now if you excuse me…" She glares at the man and starts walking.
"Woah, woah." Tom grabs her by the arm "OK, OK I get it, no need to get all hostile." Before Jenny could reply the man envelopes her in an awkward hug "whenever you are ready" and as quick as he embraced her, he detaches himself "see ya round" finally he winks with a sardonic smile and leaves.
Swallowing hard Jenny remains standing still, willing herself to gain control over her extremities to escape from the scene and forget the encounter ever occurred.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Another week passes, bringing closer the date of Jenny's parents death, inevitably causing her to be in a depressing mood. To make things worse, she just received a call from Emma which just fueled her already gloomy feelings. She knew Emma meant well and was really concerned about her –especially during these days- but right at this moment she wishes the blonde would just forget about her and leave her alone so maybe that way she could finally have some peace of mind.
Unable to get any sleep, an irritated Jenny heads to the basement where the forgotten shopping bags lay untouched in an attempt to avoid the memory of crossing paths with her old dealer. Jenny convinces herself that she can move past it now and that there is nothing to stop her from enjoying the nice clothes she purchased. Not rushing she verifies the contents and tries on a few of the items mentally choosing the ones for the next day. Suddenly searching through the fourth bag she comes into contact with something small; immediately retrieving it with curiosity. A cold shiver runs down her spine recognizing the inside of the small plastic bag in the palm of her hand: coke.
Jenny stares at it for a couple of seconds, her eyes moving side to side; different thoughts invading her mind. Some sort of internal battle seems to be taking place inside of her as she clutches the item tightly in her fist. The debate comes to an end though when she dashes toward the exit in the direction of the living room.
Everything seems to move in fast motion as Jenny kneels and tosses the base and decorations off the coffee table in front of her. She doesn't waste time, and with a practice she thought she had forgotten, she makes three lines on the flat crystal surface.
She's breathing hard with excitement, her hands trembling. Jenny leans in, ready to take the first sniff but for a reason unknown to her she looks up. That's when she spots them, her parents-holding a younger version of her- looking at her with smiles on their faces. Her heart stops, a tremendous sense of guilt invades her whole being causing her head to spin and her stomach to lurch. Feeling dizzy, she looks to the side evading the image of her parents but as soon as she does, another image comes to her mind: Emma. Like a vision right in front of her, she can see Emma smiling at her as naturally and beautiful as always.
At that moment a voice deep inside of her starts resonating with great force telling her not to do it, that her parents would be disappointed, that Emma would be disappointed; that if she succumbs it would mean she is a coward who doesn't deserve her parents trust and she would be blowing her chance to get back with Emma.
"There's still hope" the voice keeps telling her "you just have to wait; fight it, don't do it. Don't screw it up; this is your last chance."
Suddenly Jenny grips the crystal table and flips it over with force, the white powder spilling as the table shatters on the floor. The scream she emits afterward is unlike anything she has let out before; it's a raw cry of desperation. She holds her head with both hands letting her body fall to the floor, assuming immediately a fetal position.
"Why did you leave, why?" Jenny whispers among sobs. "I still need you with me why did you leave me alone?" Her eyes focus on the image of her parents. "I don't know what to do, I lost her too; I have no one. Please tell me what to do, I can't do this by myself please help me please I can't do this alone help me please" she splutters choking on her own tears.
After some time Julie enters the living room tentatively, her curiosity getting the best of her after hearing some sounds. She takes a few steps inside, peeking around until she stops abruptly gasping.
"Jenny!" She yells and runs toward the girl "Oh my God!" The woman, already kneeling, turns Jenny by the shoulder taking in her state "look at me love, look at me" she holds Jenny's face in her hands.
Just then, Thomas also makes an appearance in search of his wife. He freezes observing the scene in front of him taking special attention of the powder near the two women on the floor. "Julie…" he calls out with worry approaching slowly "how much did she take?"
Julie inspects Jenny's eyes carefully "I don't think she…" after brief consideration she questions the girl "Jenny, did you take any of the drugs?" She waits patiently until Jenny moves her head from side to side weakly. "OK, OK; good." Julie seems relieved as she turns to her husband. "I'm gonna take her upstairs, you clean this mess up please."
"Sure yeah." The man replies still preoccupied glancing at Jenny.
"Dear," Julie is now facing Jenny "we're going to your room now. You need a hot bath and some warm tea, you'll feel better after that I promise" with that she pulls Jenny up, thankful the girl is cooperating. She chances one last glance at her husband before starting to walk, while supporting Jenny with her body.
xxxxxxx
For her own mental sanity Jenny stopped answering Emma's calls after the incident, replacing them with text messages that felt less personal and intimidating. Also, she started to go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings by her own accord finding it easier to share her fears of relapse with people who had the same problem. And on other days when she felt like she was losing her mind, she would just dance; a habit she doesn't know why she stopped, but now she brought it back because it always had the ability to set her free.
A couple of months passed by and she found herself communicating with Emma less and less each time; which as ironic as it may seem she realized it made her feel better. She doubled her efforts on her studies finding comfort in the idea of her parents being proud of her.
Jenny is currently soaking in the tub, considerably more relaxed than other times, lost in her reveries. That is until the door of the bathroom opens.
"Oh!" Emily exclaims "I'm sorry… I didn't know you…" She rambles mortified.
"It's OK" Jenny chuckles "continue with what you wanted to do."
Still embarrassed Emily nods and proceeds to put the fresh towels in the linen closet, avoiding looking at Jenny.
"And how's beauty school?" Jenny asks suddenly.
"uh…" Emily hesitates for a second before turning to face Jenny "it's going great thank you. I'm doing my best to take advantage of the opportunity you gave me, your investment won't be in vain, I promise" she comments with conviction.
"Please," Jenny rolls her eyes "you are not an investment Emily, I'm very fond of your parents and you; it's a pleasure to help all of you in whatever you need honestly. And I'm glad you're doing well."
The way she spoke, with such determination and sincerity makes Emily smile with gratitude. "Thanks." Feeling more at ease she shares her thoughts. "My dad wanted me to study something else, like law or engineering you know? But I didn't like any of those choices. I always wanted to make people feel comfortable, better about themselves; feel …pretty" Emily admits with a bit of shyness.
"Well…" Jenny shifts positions "I think you accomplished that" she looks down at the bubbles, petals and herbs that covered the water in the tub.
Emily blushes profusely but happy her skills are appreciated. It's probably that, what gives her the confidence to continue. "At the end of the day, he understood I had to do what made me happy, whatever I felt I was good at." She shrugs. "And mom says he's very proud of me as she is."
These words stuck in Jenny's mind for weeks; causing her to contemplate her life and rethink her choices.
"Would Dad have really wanted me to go into management because of the fear I wouldn't be able to keep control of the family fortune? Would they have supported my career choice in music after all that had happened in the past; even if I was only a teaching instructor?"
Jenny groans, unable to find the answers to those queries; deciding instead to let life take its course and be patient, sure that at some point she would figure it out.
A light bulb shines above Jenny's head one day after attending one of her many business classes. While working on an assignment, the idea popped up in her mind. "A way to invest my parents money, do something I really like and put what I studied to good use would be … a freaking music school!" She almost slaps herself for not thinking about this before.
"OK, I could contact a specialist about the legal aspects, call Bea to get her to fill me in about the curricula I should follow but… should she be the one to run it? Should she be the one in charge of the students and their formation or…"
Just like that Emma's name crops up in her mind again. And this was probably the first time she evoked from her memory not in a romantic way but as a business partner. Jenny is surprised by the discovery but glad nonetheless, which makes it easier to make plans without getting distracted with her sorrows; at least with this particular topic.
It is unbelievable how a simple idea little by little transformed into one large tangible reality once she started working on it decidedly. Jenny had placed a few calls, made the pertaining research and put her assets in order for the future investment and everything started to take shape, and she couldn't be more excited. But Emma's name was always forefront, present as an important part of the plan that she was very optimistic about and nothing more.
Several months later Jenny went out with some fellow students for coffee to celebrate that they were almost done with school.
Of course the typical question "what are you gonna do after?" came up and among many different replies one stood out.
"I'm proposing!"
"whats" and "ohs" resonated as a chorus.
The fairly attractive guy who gave said response merely laughed, deciding to elaborate on his decision.
"You know what? I got tired of everybody telling me I have to wait, to be settled down, be ready or be mature enough. You only live once! I really think that if you want something you should go for it with all your heart. You may get scared or it could be a total failure but guess what? At least you tried. I don't wanna one day to wake up and take a look at my life and wonder… what if? Whatever will be, will be" and giving a final shrug he ends his impromptu speech.
Late that same night Jenny lies awake in bed considering the words the guy said to the group very carefully; she spent hours figuring out the pros and cons until finally she reached a conclusion: he was right.
If there was one thing she was sure about, it was her love for Emma and she wanted that love reciprocated again. No matter how long it takes, no matter the outcome; she owes it to herself to at least try. She had settled down; nobody was interfering in her life or getting in her way, it seemed even stupid not to acknowledge the window of opportunity. Now more than ever, with the project of the music school in motion, Jenny could be close to Emma and from there she could rebuild the trust between them. There was no rush; and even if it didn't work out she would have a clear conscious knowing she played all the cards in her hands but it wasn't meant to be, and then maybe she could move on. The whole year away from the blonde had worked really well on Jenny making her appreciative of her life and preparing her to face with more certainty the normal complications of having a long term committed relationship – a thing she had to admit she lacked the first time around. It was decided; she was going back to Germany to get Emma back.
Jenny took a few days to complete the final touches of the project before jumping into her new life goal. As always the little family that worked in her home was very supportive in this new endeavor and helped her in every way they could, assuring her they would take care of everything there and there was no need to worry.
With everything settled, there was only one thing left to do. Jenny hesitated for a second before picking up her cellphone and dialing a number that she knew by heart.
"Hello?" A familiar voice greeted her after the second ring.
Jenny took a deep breath with eyes closed and replied as calmly as she could manage "Hey, It's Jenny. How-how have you been?"
"Guess what? I'm coming back for you, my love…"