The Murky Depths

Chapter 2

As the time passed, so did the bruises on Amanda's face. She had always been a fast healer, even as a child. A cut or a scratch would usually only stay visible for a couple of days before it would nicely heal. Scars, on the other hand, was different. She had plenty of them, all over her body. Some of them were, of course, from her childhood. Being the dare devil in the neighborhood usually came with injuries, minor or major. A broken arm, a broken collarbone, a broken wrist, a couple of fractured ribs and various cuts and bruises had been all too common in Amanda Rollins past. Coming from a family that didn't really engage in her life, interests or activities, she would usually never bother them if she had gotten hurt, afraid of being blaimed for it, punished or just ignored.

Most of the scars on her body were sadly self inflicted. In her teenage years friends were hard to find, especially if you live in a small town like Amanda. A small town normally inhabited small minded people and, if you were different, then that's the way you were treated. Differently. The couple of friends that she did have growing up had deserted her when Amanda had told them she was gay. The word spread and her parents and little sister Kim heard the news from various sources, since everybody knew everybody and nothing was kept secret. Even her own family disowned her, threw her out and expected her to fend for herself in her fifteen years of age. With no other option, she had to move into a shelter for runaway teens until her eighteenth birthday when she was legally an adult and longer just another troubled juvenile, belonging to the state, no longer a burden to the community but an adult who was now old enough to get a job and pay taxes.

Her entire childhood, teenage years and most of her adult life had been a struggle and the only way she knew how to cope was through physical pain. A razor, a knife, cigarettes, brick walls or alcohol were the things she had become dependent on and, for years, it was the only thing she trusted. The physical pain was always welcomed. She wasn't afraid of it but instead she enjoyed it, looked forward to it and felt calm and more at peace when the pain was there. She knew it wasn't 'normal' to feel that way or to be doing the things she did but the urge and need was always there, always too strong and always won over her common sense or rational thoughts, pushing her further down the dark path that she was on, making her feel even more miserable and useless.

When she had joined the police academy, her self destructive behavior had more or less dissipated even though the thoughts of cutting or burning herself were always at the very front of her brain. After the academy her life had become a routine. She got up in the morning, went to work, came home, went to bed, got up the next day, went to work, came home and so on. Her disruptive behavior calmed significantly and almost disappeared completely, even though the pull and the need was still there and for years she managed to stay clear of any temptations and urges.

A pattern soon made itself known and whenever she was stressed, under pressure or just had enough of seeing evil everywhere on the job, the self harming would always come back, rearing it's ugly head and take a hold of all her senses, taking complete control and she had no choice but to let it do it's job. Since she had joined SVU three years prior, it had come back again, this time with a vengeance, tormenting her full force. The things the squad had to see and experience every day eventually became too much to handle without her trustworthy and loyal companion, Pain.

Fin had been her friend and partner for three years now, Carisi had only joined the squad about a year ago and was also a very good friend. Olivia, on the other hand, was not her partner and not her friend. Amanda had known about Olivia Benson even before she had started to work with her. She was quite the celebrity in the SVU world and she had admired her work, dedication and willpower years before moving to New York and became a part of her team. Amanda realized that she actually had a crush on the woman but was just too scared or just too plain stupid to see it.

Things had not turned out the way she thought they would when she first started and was very disappointed with Olivia's unfriendly and ignorant behavior towards her. Even though the brunette was treating her like an imposter she still couldn't help, or try, to brush off the feelings she did have for her, and she found it extremely frustrating. The more she tried to hate her boss, the harder she fell for her and she didn't know how to handle the situation.

The anger and frustration had gotten to her deeply when Olivia had called her into her office that time, to try and get Amanda to open up and tell her about her black eye and bruised ribs. Why did she care all of a sudden? They weren't friends! They were simply just coworkers who tolerated each other, worked on a few cases together but had never spent time with one another outside of work except for the odd conference or meeting. The brunette had always been so hard on her, never trusting her to do her job correctly, always questioning her abilities and opinions and it hurt. It hurt that the woman she had admired and respected for so many years didn't see her as an equal or even a friend.

Why had Olivia suddenly appeared so concerned about her wellbeing? Why had she been so nice and gentle about it? Almost two weeks later she could till hear the softness in Olivia's voice as she had asked her about the bruise and it sent shivers down her spine and goosebumps to appear on her pale skin. She hated that voice! The voice she always used when she spoke to victims and their families, never to her. It made her angry to think that it had to come this far for Olivia to notice her and, now when she had noticed her, she didn't like the attention. All she wanted was for Oliva to show her some respect and acknowledge her work, her theories and her suggestions about cases that were difficult to crack.

Even though Olivia had treated her badly since she first stepped her foot inside the precinct, she still couldn't help but to care and show admiration towards her boss and she hated that even more. Why couldn't she hate her? These past two weeks Olivia had been so nice to her, talked to her, listened to her if she had anything to say about a case and even physically touched her once or twice. Things were playing out exactly the way she always wanted them to but now she hated it and suddenly wanted things to go back to the way they use to be, when she was invisible and incompetent. A nobody. Still there was a part of her that needed to hear that soft and caring tone coming from her boss, needed to feel those ghostly and gentle touches from the older woman. She felt confused and angry, out of place and... scared.

They still hadn't come any closer to cracking the case they had been working on for so long. Amanda knew that the suspect was indeed guilty of the things he was accused of but she had no way of proving it. If she did have the necklace, things would be different. Maybe he would be locked up in a cell by now if she hadn't been so stupid and foolish to plan and execute a honey trap on her own. That necklace would prove that he was quilty as charged but he was out there, walking the streets as a free man, getting away with horrible things that he had put women through.

Carisi, the youngest and newest to the team finally shut his computer down, raised his arms above his head and stretched, his back popping in various places as he let out a squeal. "I'm beat." he yawned and stood up. "I'll see you guys in the morning."

Fin couldn't help but to yawn himself as he watched Carisi's big gob wide open. "Yeah, it's been a long ass day. You heading out too Rollins?"

The blonde peered at the two male detectives over the top of her computer screen. "Sorry, my ass is longer than yours, Fin. I'm staying for another hour or so, get this last bit of paperwork done."

Both Fin and Carisi frowned but decided not to say anything. They knew Amanda was up to speed with all her papers and documents so why would she use that as an excuse? "You sure I can't even tempt you with some spaghetti, home made tomato and herb sauce and some garlic bread? My place?"

"Thanks Carisi, maybe another time." Amanda declined politely as her fingers danced upon the keyboard.

"What about you, Fin? You up for some Italian?" the young man asked as he threw his coat on.

Snorting, Fin made a face. "I'm not into Italians, especially not male ones but thanks for the invite."

Amanda chuckled as Carisi didn't seem to understand that he had more or less asked Fin to engage in a home cocked meal for just the two of them. After they had left, Amanda sank down in her chair with a sigh. That necklace was constantly on her mind but she knew the chances of getting it back were slim to none. The only evidence she had was gone and they were all back on square one again.

An idea began to take shape inside her head and before she knew it she had it all planned. Her boss would certainly not be happy about her little sting but at least she could give a lot of women some closure and a feeling of security once the perp was off the street. "Rollins, you still here?" she jumped in her seat, startled by her boss's sudden voice.

"Um, I was just heading out." she quickly responded, turned her computer off, threw her coat on and grabbed her keys and her phone, shoving them into the deep pockets of the long woolly jacket.

"I was just leaving myself. I'll walk you out." she insisted, a gentle smile covering her lips.

"Um, sure." Amanda mumbled, extremely uncomfortable being so close to the tall brunette, not knowing what to say or how to act around her.

They entered the elevator to go down, the doors closed with a ping and the air inside the small box seemed to disappear and Amanda found it hard to breath. It was the longest elevator ride in history even though they only descended four floors. It seemed like the four walls around them began to slowly move closer and the small space became even smaller. Amanda took a deep shaky breath and tried to focus on the red moving light that indicated which floor they were on.

"Any plans for tonight?" Liv suddenly asked, obviously trying to make small talk.

Not tearing her gace away from the red blinking light, she answered shortly. "Nope, you?"

She heard the older woman sigh tiredly. "No, I'm wiped. Just a quiet night at home with me, myself and I."

Amanda gave her a stiff smile and almost bolted out the doors as they slowly opened. Olivia tood there, watching as the blonde sped down the corridor and out through the big glass double doors. She was at a loss and didn't know how to get Amanda to trust her. They had barely spoken the past two weeks and when they did speak, Amanda kept it short and professional, everything by the book and never ventured beyond the terms of work related issues. Something was not right with the woman, somthing she couldn't put her finger on. Fin and Carisi had tried several times to get something out of her but was repeatedly shot down, insisting that she was fine.

"Enough is enough." mumbled the sergeant and hurried out after her, hoping she would catch the woman before she disappeared out of sight. It was dark out and difficult to see even though the street lamps were shining bright. Looking in either direction she came up empty and sighed in frustration. Then, she spotted long blonde hair in the distance and the coat the woman was wearing definitely belonged to Amanda.

She began to follow her with quick steps so she wouldn't lose her, frowning as she wondered why the blonde detective was heading down this direction when she knew that her apartment was on the other side of town. They walked for almost twenty minutes, Olivia staying behind, keeping her head low, trying not to draw any unwanted attention to herself. She didn't like the neighborhood they had ended up in. It wasn't the worst of places but still known for being a rough area with loads of drugs and prostitution going on. Why would she hang out in this part of town? Why would she put herself in a dangerous position by walking in a dodgy neighborhood late at night and alone?

Amanda was, of course, a grown woman and could look after herself but sometimes Olivia had her doubts. The blonde's thinking and her, sometimes, radical behavior and ideas made the brunette wonder. Sometimes it felt like Amanda was not thinking clearly and ended up making hasty and not fully thought out plans. Liv felt, a lot of times, that she had to look out for the younger woman on the squad and make sure she didn't put herself in a position that she shouldn't be in.

When she suddenly saw her detective disappear through a worn looking wooden door, her heart skipped a beat. It was the same pub where so many rapes and assaults had taken place over the past couple of months, the same pub and it's owner that had been under a microscopic investigation. What was Amanda thinking, coming to a place like this? Whatever the reason, Olivia didn't like it. Something wasn't right and she shivered at the thought of what she might witness by going in there.

She didn't have much choice except to face the music, push the door open and enter the smoky, dark lit pub, full of drunk people in all ages, mostly men but also many rowdy women. She was well recognized by the owner and the staff at this stage, due to many hours of questioning, interrogations and surprise visits. Amanda, on the other hand, hadn't been in here during the investigation and she had only listened in on the different conversations from the other side of the glass, being more of an observer in the case and dealing more with the victims than the suspects. As she suspected, one of the bar men approached her, wiping his hands on a dirty and worn looking tea towel.

"Detective, to what do I owe this pleasure? I didn't think this was your kind of scene." said the scruffy man by the name Hank, smirking widely, showing his yellow stained teeth.

"You thought right. I'm just here looking for a friend. Young, blonde, slim. You see her come in?" Liv wanted to get away from the man as quick as possible, who stank of stale cigarettes and beer.

"Ah, the pretty blonde with the nice ass!" he chuckled. "Didn't think you'd have friends hanging out in places like this, detective. She in trouble?" smirking, her shoved the corner of the towel into his back pocket, letting the remainder of the rag hang loose.

Olivia took a step closer to him, wanting him to feel small and intimidated by her. "It's sergeant to you. I just want to know where she went." her tone was low and firm, telling him that she wasn't playing around.

Hank shrugged and nodded his head in the direction of the toilets. "Think I saw her walking that way. I was too busy looking at her ass to pay any attention on where she was going." he snickered and left.

Shaking off the dirty presence of the man, she headed towards the bathrooms, hoping to find her colleague sooner rather than later. The music faded as she rounded the corner and made her way in to the ladies. It was filthy inside, toilet paper tossed on the floor, the mirrors above the sink probably hadn't been washed since the beginning of the century and the stench of urine was overwhelming. She soon realized that Amanda wasn't in the bathroom and Liv was relieved to get out of the stinky place.

Since she was a woman, she would normally not check the men's but since Fin or Carisi wasn't with her she didn't have a choice in the matter. Sighing, she pushed the door open and was, once again, hit by the strong odor. A few rowdy men stood by the urinal, laughing and hollering about god knows what and when one of them spotted Olivia in the doorway, he smirked, turned towards her and began to sway his privates in the air, shaking it in his hand, chuckling. "Oh boys! We've got company. Wanna quickie?"

Liv had to fight back the sudden strong urge to throw up and to give him a kick in the balls for being so incredibly vulgar and plain stupid. She rolled her eyes and spoke firmly. "I'm sure if you bend over, one of your mates will give you that quickie." immediately she closed the door, hearing the men inside hollering and howling.

She couldn't wait to get out of this place but she didn't want to leave without Amanda. She was about to head back out to the bar when she spotted a closed door at the very end of the narrow corridor. As she walked up to it, a male voice became audible, a deep and raspy tone that made Liv shiver. It was the owner, she'd recognize that voice from anywhere. "What are you here?" she heard the man say. "What are you playing at? Is this some kind of shakedown? Two week ago you seemed like you wanted to fuck and then you change your mind? That's not how things work here, sweetie. You start something, you finish it and you got what you deserved. What is it that you want? Money to keep quiet? Is that what you want, bitch?"

"I don't want you money. I want an apology."

A woman's voice, a soft and clear voice, a familiar voice, Amanda's voice. Then it suddenly klicked and Olivia now had an explanation for the blonde's battered face and ribs a couple of weeks ago, an explanation why Amanda had been unusually quiet at work and why she had been so snappy and short when she was spoken to. Amanda had been assaulted.