The Murky Depths
Chapter 4
Amanda didn't sleep well that night, nor did Olivia. The blonde spent the rest of the night drowning her anger, misery and regrets in a bottle until she eventually collapsed in a drunken stupor. Olivia went home to her quiet and empty apartment, feeling totally numb but yet so many emotions were streaming through her body at the same time, she didn't know what to do with herself. While sitting on her bed inside her dark bedroom she let the tears fall, feeling her heart tighten in her chest as the image of Amanda's hurt and angry face appeared in front of her eyes every time she closed them.
What Amanda had said earlier was right. She could see it now, in hindsight, that the way she had been treating the female detective had been nothing but cruel and down right mean. That was all going to change, right now. Her behavior towards the blonde had not been intentional, no matter what Amanda might think or feel. They had just gotten of to a bad start from the very beginning, seeing Amanda as a replacement for her old partner of twelve years, a younger detective with fresh eyes and a criminal forensic degree and up to speed with all the new technology. Looking back, Olivia had considered her as a threat.
The bad start in their working relationship had not improved throughout the years but it hadn't gotten worse either. They had simply fallen into a daily working routine and things had just continued on from there. Olivia was not use to Amanda's way of thinking and handling certain situations. After working with the same partner for twelve years, her way of thinking and working cases were almost like a habit at this stage. She was on autopilot and couldn't see another way of dealing with things and, to even consider, breaking out of her little comfortable box she had created over the years, seemed impossible.
She had eventually gotten over the sudden absence of her partner but the strain between the two woman were still there but Olivia had just left it, thinking it would improve down the line and maybe a friendship could blossom. Suddenly, almost four years had passed and they were still in the same spot. The time had flown by, case after case had kept coming in and the normal working routine had completely taken over, not leaving room for anything else.
She felt awful, angry and hurt. She was angry at herself for not seeing how badly she had been treating one of her squad members, angry for being so narrow minded that she hadn't seen the pain Amanda must've been in and angry at herself for not paying more attention to her. She was also hurt. Not by Amanda but hurt by her own stupidity and ignorance and hurt for not seeing how unfair and unfriendly she had come across. She was a sergeant, for god's sake, and she couldn't even see when one of her subordinates was hurting. If she could turn back the time and start all over, she would. She would've done things differently, be more observant, take time to listen, try new ideas, see things from a different perspective, point of view and angle. Why had she been so stupid?
She had cried herself to sleep that night and the stoic sergeant hardly ever cried. It had been an emotional rollercoaster of a night and Olivia felt completely drained and physically exhausted from it that she couldn't even find the energy to change into her night clothes. She slept in her pantsuit and shoes until her alarm clock pierced and drilled through her skull, forcing her to wake up and face the day.
Amanda didn't show up to work the next day, or the day after, and they were all worried about her. Fin had received a text from his partner, saying that she wasn't feeling well and would take at least two sick days. Fin and Carisi showed genuine concern over their coworker and hoped that she would be on the mend sooner rather than later. Olivia was the only one who knew the truth, that she wasn't physically sick at all and that she was probably too emotionally exhausted, too sad and in a too low of a mood to show her face and Olivia understood. She understood too well.
The sergeant's focus was interrupted by a knock on her office door and Fin stepped inside. "A word, sarge?"
Nodding, Olivia put laptop aside and turned her full attention towards her senior detective. "This is about Amanda, isn't it?" she asked while removing her glasses.
Fin sat down in the chair on the opposite side of Olivia's hardwood desk and sighed. "Yeah, what's going on with her? She has never taken a sickday since she started working here so I know that it's all bullshit. Is she in trouble? Is she gambling again?"
Liv frowned. "Gambling? Why do you say that?"
Fin immediately felt bad for, unintentionally, betraying Amanda's trust and rubbed a hand over his face in frustration and regret. "I thought you knew about that? I mean, being the sergeant and all but I guess you didn't. Man, do I feel like crap." he shifted in his chair. "Look, I honestly thought you knew about it. I know her addiction was really bad in Atlanta but she goes to meetings and she's been doing realy good since she came to New York. She had one setback but that was over a year ago. Craigen knew about it before he retired so I just thought that he passed on the info, but I guess not."
Gambling? Liv thought to herself. Boy, this was getting complicated and confusing. Amanda obviously must have told Craigen in confidence and made him promise that he wouldn't tell a soul. It scared Olivia that she didn't know her coworker as well as she thought she did. Of course people have their secrets and the right to their own personal life, but this, this was something that had to be addressed. Maybe Amanda was gambling and had ended up in bad company or a bad situation? She also felt bad for Fin, who was now caught in the middle of it all and had unintentionally broken a promise and she didn't want to get him in trouble for it.
"Okay," Liv sighed, "look, I don't want you to get into trouble for telling me. Let's just pretend for now that I knew about it and I'll talk to her. I'll ask her straight out if she has... fallen off the wagon and, if that's the case, then I'll get her some help."
"What about her shield?" Fin wanted to know. "Work is all she's got, Liv. If she can't work then... I don't know what she would do."
Olivia studied the man before her with a confused and concerned expression. "What makes you say that? Is there something I should know? Is she okay, I mean, mentally? Did she say anything to you that makes you believe that she would do anything drastic or out of character?" she was worried now. Everybody has demons but she didn't realize how deep Amanda's troubles ran and she also knew hardly anything about her life as a child or her past, just that Craigen had fleetingly mentioned a touch childhood and trust issues.
Fin bit his inner cheek. "I'm not gonna betray her trust. I've already said too much and I don't want that on my conscience. I know about her past and that's all I'm gonna say. If you need answers to your questions, you're gonna have to ask her about it. I'm sorry."
"Don't be." the brunette said with a soft tone. "I know you have your partner's back and how much you care for her. I will talk to Amanda myself and I won't say anything of what you just told me. Don't worry, we'll sort this out, whatever it is that's going on. We've all got her back and she's a great addition to the team. We'll fight for her." she promised.
Now it was Fin's turn to frown. "Wow, who are you and what have you done to Benson?" then he regretted his words as soon as they had been said. "I mean, I didn't mean that... all I'm saying is that you and Amanda haven't been... you know... Seeing eye to eye and that..."
Olivia smiled sadly. "I know. But that's all about to change. I just hope she will give me a second chance."
Fin could see that his boss was genuinely upset and that her words were true and he felt bad for her. "She will. With time she will." he promised and left her office with quiet footsteps, leaving her in a buzzing silence.
That evening, Liv shut down her laptop two hours earlier than usual. Fin gave her a wink as she went out the door, telling her that things would okay and she felt blessed for having such good friends, or more like a family. Carisi mocked her by offering her a salute as she passed him out but knew he ment well and that he was only trying to lighten the mood.
As she made her way rowards Amanda's apartment building, she found herself feeling nervous. She hadn't really prepared a speech or anything but instead figured that playing it by ear would be the best option. She felt bad coming empty handed. Usually when she called to someone's house, a bottle of wine was always appropriate, but in this case it wouldn't be a wise decision considering the big bottle of scotch that Amanda had pulled out two nights ago, with the obvious intention of drowning her emotions in the liquor. Instead, Olivia settled for two large take away cappuccinos close to Amanda's block.
The unsettling feeling in her stomach made her wish that she actually had a bottle of wine to ease her nerves a bit but she was already by Amanda's door, knocking softly on it. She knocked again but louder and heard footsteps inside coming closer to the door. "Amanda, it's me Liv, could you open up, please?" when nothing happened she tried again. "Look, I know you're in there, I heard you walking around. Please, just let me in so we can talk."
She heard mumbling coming from the other side of the wall and figured she was talking to Frannie, telling her to be quiet and that it was okay. The security chain was removed, the lock turned and the door swung open revealing a pale, drawn and tired blonde. Her hair was up in a messy bun, she was wearing yoga pants, big woolly socks, a plain dark blue t-shirt and a robe with a tie around the waist. She looked worse for wear.
"Hi." Liv said in a soft voice, taking in Amanda's exhausted appearance. "How are you feeling?" it was a question you always ask someone who was sick even though she knew that the blonde wasn't physically ill.
Amanda frowned, blinked a few times, as if to clear her blood shot eyes, and took a step back. "Wh... what are you doing her, sarge?"
Olivia tilted her head to the side, that way she always does when she spoke to victims or was about to approach a delicate subject. "I'm worried about you, we all are. It's not like you to take a sick day." there was a slight pause. "Can I come in? I've got coffee." she raised the two cups up in the air and smiled sheepishly.
Bleary eyes studied her for a while before she swallowed heavily and opened the door fully. "Um, sure. I... I was just cleaning." she muttered awkwardly.
Stepping inside, Liv noticed that the apartment was spotless, shiny counter tops, squeaky clean floor, nothing was out of place and Frannie was lying peacefully in her bed next to the couch, wagging her tail as soon as she spotted Olivia and happily trotted towards the brunette to say hello. Liv placed the cups on the dining table and crouched down to properly greet the dog. "Hello, Frannie girl." she cooed in a baby like voice and scratched the dog behind it's ear. She had never been a dog person but she knew how much Frannie meant to Amanda and hoped that she could use that to get closer to the blonde somehow.
"She likes you." Amanda mumbled from behind and Liv stood up, still smiling and turned to her colleague.
"The feeling is mutual. She's a great dog and I know she's important to you."
An awkward minute later Amanda sat down by the table, pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them to keep warm. There was a chill in the air and she could feel it now. Her body was cooling down since she had stopped cleaning like a maniac which caused her body temperature to lower and more prone to feel the cold. "She is." Amanda said in almost a whisper. "Why are you here, sarge?" she sipped her take away coffee, throwing Liv a side glance and held the warm cup between cool hands, appreciating the hot soothing liquid.
Olivia didn't like the sound of Amanda's voice. It was cold, empty and distant, like she didn't care either way. Pulling up a chair, Liv positioned herself on the opposite side of the table, rolling the paper cup between her palms. "I'm here because I'm worried about you." holding up a hand to indicate no interruptions, she continue speaking. "Before you say anything, will you please just hear me out?"
The blonde grew nervous and uncomfortable but since she had felt bad for shouting at her boss a couple of nights ago, she felt like she owed it to her. "Fine." she said and began to pick at the logo label on the paper cup with her nail to keep her hands occupied.
The sergeant shifted in her chair, making herself as comfortable as possible, trying to form the words and sentences in her head before actually saying them out loud. "First of all, I want to say I'm sorry that you feel like I haven't been treating you well because you're right, I haven't, and I have a hard time forgiving myself for that. I was in my own little bubble when you started working with us because of the sudden absence of my previous partner and, yes, it's a lousy reason for being so standoff-ish and distant towards you. I was set in my own ways and was not in the mood or in a functional mental state to accept change back then. I guess, in a way, a saw you as a rival more than a coworker." she gently chuckled and gave Amanda an apologetic smile.
"I know it sounds stupid but you walked in as a breath of fresh air, eager to work, to learn and to help out in any way you could. I didn't want things to change and I didn't want to change myself to accommodate somebody else's needs or wants. I was angry and hurt and felt like my partner had betrayed me." a tear slipped down her cheek but wiped it away with her thumb and took another sip of her creamy coffee.
"I let a lot of things slip through my fingers over the years, things that I shouldn't have let slip, and that is completely my fault and I'm the only one to blaim for that." brown shiny eyes blinked desperately to avoid a full on crying session but finally the tears seemed to be under control. Amanda was watching and listening a few feet away from where she was sitting and she couldn't help but to feel sorry for her boss even though she was still angry.
"I've watched you struggle, Amanda. I've watched you struggle a few times over the years we've been working together and I should've done something sooner, should've approached you or talked to you about it and not just sweep it under the rug and hope for the best. I know that we all have our issues and secrets but I should've handled things differently. I don't expect you to forgive me, at least not now, but I hope that in time things will change."
Dark brown eyes locked with tired weary blues and she gave Amanda a watery smile. "You're a great detective, a loyal partner, a great team worker and a good friend. I hope that we can be friends, Amanda, I really do. Believe it or not but work hasn't been the same these last two days, simply because you weren't there. I know that trust is an issue for you and it is for me too. Maybe we can work on that together, what do you say?"
Still picking at the, now almost worn out logo on the paper cup, she bit her lip and thought hard and long before amswering. "You're right, trust is not my thing." she mumbled coldly and took a swig of the hot beverage. "But I do want to apologize for shouting at you before. I was out of line and I'm sorry, sarge."
"It's okay, you only spoke the truth and how you felt and I can't fault you for that." Liv gently stated and offered her a warm and comforting smile. "And you can call me Olivia or Liv when we're not at work. Everybody else does, well, except Carisi." she chuckled and felt a wave of warmth wash over her as she heard Amanda join in. The light laughter died out and there was a comfortable silence in the room this time. The awkwardness, that had previously filled the apartment seemed to have flown away for now and was replaced with a sense of calm and understanding between the two detectives.
"Will you be at work tomorrow?" the brunette asked softly, waiting patiently for the answer she hoped she would receive.
"I'll be there." Amanda promised and felt as if a huge rock had been lifted from her shoulders. Maybe, hopefully, things would be different from now on. It was going to take time and she wasn't willing to forgive and forget just like that, but they were now on a good start and Amanda found herself feeling lighter, something she hadn't felt in a long long time.