The Murky Depths
Chapter 6
Olivia Benson was usually a woman who listened to others, followed rules, laws and protocol and did things by the book. Going against someone's orders, especially authority figures, never turned out good for her. After so many years on the force she had come to realize that and always tried as hard as she possibly could to never put herself in a situation where she was torn between right or wrong, what to do and what not to do.
In this situation, however, she couldn't care less about Tucker's orders of staying put until the scene had been cleared. They had all watched in horror as the clothes from Amanda's body had been ripped off and how they had physically assaulted her. Never in her life had Olivia felt such deep and pure rage towards another human being.
Fin and Carisi were just a couple of feet behind as she ran through the glass doors and searched desperately for her injured detective. Scanning the area she quickly spotted a large amount of blood spatter on, an otherwise, brilliant white wall but she couldn't see a body. As quick as she could she ran towards the red stained wall and rounded a corner and that is when she spotted the lifeless body of the leader, while four members from the SWAT team tried to subdue the other two men and two other members were crouched down by Amanda's side, checking for a pulse.
"Get away from her." Liv shouted in an overprotective manner, hearing Fin on his radio, requesting a bus and then got down on her knees beside the blonde, cupping her face in her hands and gently slapped her around a little bit to rouse her. "Amanda? Amanda, honey, can you hear me?"
There was a faint moan before blue eyes fluttered open and stared straight into brown ones, full of concern and care. "Hey, you're okay. Don't move, help is on the way, just stay still. You're gonna be okay, you're safe now." Amanda suddenly began to shiver from cold and quickly realized that she was lying semi naked on the chilled floor in front of her squad and people she's never seen before. She was mortified. Then, the pain in her lower abdomen and ribs kicked in and she curled into a ball, crying out in agony as she moved but the embarrassment of being almost naked won over her pain.
"I know, I know it hurts, but try to stay still until the paramedics get in here. You're safe now, it's okay." she soothed as she swiftly removed her coat and gently covered Amanda with it to keep some of her dignity intact and to warm her up to the best of her ability.
Fin and Carisi didn't really know what to do since they knew Amanda was a very private person and would probably have a heart attack if she knew they had seen her body. When the medics arrived, Liv's coat was replaced with a grey thick blanket and hauled onto a stretcher while the paramedics were throwing questions at the worried brunette of what type of injuries she had sustained as Amanda was in too much pain to talk.
"I'm going with her." Fin said, determined to not leave his partner in a time of need.
Liv grabbed a hold of his wrist before he could get into the ambulance and gently pulled him back. "Fin, she's practically naked. I don't think she would appreciate you seeing her like this. It's better if I go. I need you to hold down the fort. I'll keep you posted of what's going on." she yelled just as the doors closed and the bus quickly picked up speed.
Inside the ambulance Liv gently took an icy small hand in hers and spoke soothingly to her while the medic did his job. Amanda tried to lie still but it hurt too much to lie flat down so she pulled her knees up and turned slightly to one side. The blanket that covered her already bruising ribs slipped and that's when Olivia saw something on the blonde's arms she first couldn't identify. It took a couple of seconds before her brain clicked and registered them as scars, most of them were small and wouldn't draw attention if you weren't looking straight at them. Others were larger, mottled and almost white in colour and Liv knew that they must've been deep and very painful.
"Is she a cutter?" the medic asked in sympathy and administered a pain relief into Amanda's arm.
Liv was still shocked at what she had seen and couldn't answer the man straight away. "I... I don't know, I... I don't know." she whispered, her throat closing up, feeling all kinds of emotions overwhelm her and she couldn't help but to gently and discreetly push the blanket to the side to reveal Amanda's thighs and abdomen. She gasped when she saw similar horizontal marks on both of her muscular thighs and her tight stomach, some more fresh looking than others and Liv knew those marks all too well.
She tucked the cover around Amanda who was in agony and too out of it to even notice the movement of the blanket or the medics comment about her being a cutter. The injection started to work and the pain slowly abated which caused the blonde to relax and calm, she even opened her eyes, that had previously been shut the entire time due to the pain, and she looked straight at Olivia. "I'm sorry." she mumbled and tried to sit up.
"Hey," the brunette and the medic was quick in their actions and gently held her down. "don't move too much, you can injure yourself further. Lay back and try to calm down." she softly instructed while still holding onto Amanda's hand with one of her own as the other was placed on her head, letting her thumb caress a pale and clammy forehead. "Don't be sorry." she whispered and felt her own eyes well up slightly at the though of Amanda apologizing for something that was completely out of her control. "You have nothing to be sorry for, honey. Nothing at all. Just relax and let the doctors do their job, okay."
Olivia was ordered to wait in the waiting area. She had stayed with her colleague for as long as she could before she was literally pushed aside and told that she wasn't allowed any further and had to wait for a doctor to update her on Amanda's condition. It was a long wait. Too long, even though it had only been about forty minutes but knew very well that it could take another forty, if not longer.
Fin had rang twice to ask about his partner and Liv told him that she would call him as soon as she knew anything. While she sat there, waiting for any news about her detective's wellbeing, a wave of shame, regret and immense sadness came crashing over her and she hung her head in defeat. Thinking back, she could recall several times when Amanda had been late for work and would show up stressed, on edge, bags under her eyes, paler than usual and completely exhausted. Olivia's solution to the problem was to raise her voice and didn't really care if anyone around them heard or watched.
Now, she could see how insensitive, mean and ignorant she had been towards her, wishing she could take it all back, do things differently, ask her if she was okay, if she needed anything or if she wanted to talk. Those days were probably the mornings after a typically hard night for Amanda. So hard that she found solace and relief in slicing her skin open over and over again until she bled and the emotional pain would ease.
She should've known something was up. She should've seen that something was not right and that Amanda wasn't okay. The guilt she felt was immense and she brushed away a stray tear that rolled silently down her cheek. "Family of Amanda Rollins?"
Liv quickly snapped back into reality as a middle age doctor mentioned Amanda's name and Liv stood up. "I'm here for Amanda."
"You family?" the doctor asked.
"Um, no, I'm her sergeant, Olivia Benson, I brought her in. Her family is... it's complicated. Is she okay?"
Dr Regan saw the concern in Olivia's eyes and decided not to ask about his patient's blood relations but to tell Olivia about her condition straight out. "She's will be fine. She's on strong pain medication so she's a bit woozy. No fractures to her ribs or pelvic but she does have sever bruising, soft tissue damage and an abdominal strain that will take quite some time to heal." he paused for a moment, deciding whether he should mention the scars or not.
Liv sensed his uncertainty and frowned. "What? What are you not telling me?"
"I noticed marks on her body. A lot of them and, being a doctor, I know what caused them. Did you know she is self harming?"
The brunette had a hard time to keep her voice in check and had to swallow several times against the lump in her throat before she could answer. "I... I saw the scars in the ambulance on our way here. I just found out." she said in a shaky voice. "I had no idea that she was hurting herself."
The doctor nodded and gestured with his hand to follow him. "It's up to her if she wants help or not. We have various programs, therapy and medication that will help her but our hands are tied unless she comes in here willingly."
"I'll talk to her about it." Liv stated, already dreading to bring that subject up, knowing Amanda will shut down and insist that she is fine and doesn't need anybody's help. "When will she be able to go home?" she asked as they headed down a long corridor buzzing with activity, people crying in pain and discomfort, kids yelling for god knows what and overworked nurses that had way too many patients to see.
The doctor chuckled lightly. "She already made it clear that she will not stay the night and insist to leave as soon as possible. She even asked when she can return to work. I told her it can take weeks, maybe a couple of months, for the soft tissue damage to dissipate and the abdominal strain maybe even longer and she wasn't exactly thrilled to hear that. Maybe she'll listen to you."
Now it was Liv's turn to chuckle. "You're asking the impossible, doctor but I'll do my best."
Amanda had been put in a separate room, away from all the hustle and bustle due to the shock she was experiencing. She was wearing dark blue scrubs that the hospital had given her and two blankets were wrapped around her body to keep her warm and comfortable and a carton of orange juice was placed on the small table next to the bed, unopened. As Olivia stepped into the quiet room the blonde was resting her eyes and her breathing seemed normal, nice and relaxed compared to the shallow and fast gasps of air she had struggled with earlier due to the pain. Her face was pale and a slight frown was plastered upon her features and Liv knew that the pain was obviously still there but not as bad as before.
She studied the detective from where she was standing. She had never taken the time to really look at the blonde before, really look at her, and the beauty and elegance the blonde possessed was impossible not to see. Olivia had always thought Amanda was an attractive young woman but never thought anything more about it but now, from where she was standing, in this moment, she looked absolutely beautiful. Smiling tenderly, Liv quietly approached the bed.
"If you have come to kick my ass for, unknowingly and unintensinally getting into trouble, I strongly suggest that you wait until I'm pain free, Fin. Liv is gonna kill me for this, she already hates me as it is." she moaned and shifted uncomfortably under the blankets.
"Why would I kill you?" the soft voice replied and gazed down at her injured friend.
Amanda immediately popped her eyes open, frowned and let her confused and puzzled stare wander around the room before settling on her boss's stunning features. "Oh, hi, um I thought that... I thought you were Fin. Sorry." she mumbled in embarrassment, turned her gaze away and mentally giving herself the third degree. "What are you doing here, sarge? I'm okay."
Sighing, the brunette pulled up a chair and sat down, her hands folded in her lap. "I'm here because I want to be and I'm going to ask you again; why would I kill you?" the room fell silent and Liv wasn't sure she was going to get an answer until Amanda finally spoke.
"For getting into trouble... again!" muttered the blonde, too embarrassed to look at her boss.
"Amanda," Liv said in a heavy sigh. "you didn't cause this. You just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, that's all. No one is blaiming you for this, honey. You're not in trouble so why do you think you are?"
The doped up woman chuckled bitterly but winched at the pain in her ribs and stomach. "I always seem to find trouble or trouble always seem to find me, I'm not sure which one."
"Well, you have made some... bad choices in the past and so have I. For example not treating you right, for not noticing you, for not making a better effort to establish a stronger relationship between us and for not listening to you." when Amanda didn't respond, move or make eye contact, she gently asked, "why do you think I hate you?"
Again, Amanda laughed and then hissed in pain. Liv let her hand hover above the blonde's shoulder, wanting to provide her with some physical comfort but decided that it wasn't a good idea at the moment and pulled back. "For all the mistakes I've made, for all the times I've lied to you guys, trying to cover up my fuck ups? How could you not hate me? I hate myself for it." she made a brief paused, collecting herself, lowering her voice to a whisper. "I've tried to get back into your good graces but I always seem to end up further away from it."
Olivia felt her heart clench at her words and her chest became heavy with regret and self blaim. "Oh, Amanda! You're already back in my good graces, honey. Don't beat yourself up over things that you did or happened in the past. Let's leave it in the past and focus on the present and the future. I could never hate you, Amanda so please, don't hate yourself."
The blonde was getting tired, the pain medication was doing it's job. "It's not that easy, sarge." she mumbled, her eyes drooping and speech lightly slurred.
Liv knew she was fighting against sleep. The blonde looked so small and vulnerable in the big hospital bed, wrapped in a mountain of blankets. She had never seen her so frail and broken before and she blaimed herself for having played a part in why she was here in the first place. Tucking the blankets tighter around her petite frame, she let her hand linger longer than necessary, resting it momentarily on Amanda's shoulder. "Well, why don't we start by taking small steps in the right direction, like calling me by my first name?"
Amanda smiled weakly with her eyes now fully closed, her voice full of sleep. "Yes, sarge."