The Murky Depths
Chapter 7
"You should've listened to Liv, Amanda." Fin told her over the phone, slightly annoyed that his partner had not taken Olivia up on her offer about staying at her place for a while, until her pain had subsided to a stage where she could comfortably manage everyday tasks on her own. Being her usual stubborn self, she had instantly declined and insisted on going home alone.
"I'm fine, Fin. I'm much more comfortable in my own apartment anyway. Don't worry, I can manage." she tried to sound as convincing as possible but, if truth were to be told, she was a bit nervous and cautious about doing certain things on her own like shower, get dressed and undressed, get in and out of bed and simple cleaning tasks. She would never, however, say that out loud to anybody, not even her partner.
She had proudly managed to make herself a cup of herbal tea and was now resting on her couch underneath a blanket belonging to herself, instead of the awful looking hospital covers and started to feel how sluggish the pain medication was making her. She had managed to take a shower earlier but it had been a strenuous task, especially washing her hair and then trying to towel dry it. The pain in her abdomen and ribs had been excruciating and she eventually had to give in to the strong bottle of pain relief that so temptingly stood on the kitchen counter, staring at her.
Fin had now tried for over ten minutes to convince Amanda that she should just swallow her pride and reside at Liv's for a while. "Why do you have to be so damn stubborn, Rollins? Liv just wants to help, there's no shame in admitting that you need an extra set of hands."
"I told you, I'm fine! If I need something I'll call you or Carisi. I don't want to bother Liv with my petty problems." she sighed and finished the last of her tea.
"They're not petty, Rollins. You were beaten assaulted and taken hostage. No one is gonna blame you, or think less of you, for needing help."
Amanda rolled her eyes at her partner even though he couldn't see her. "Well, thanks for clearing that up, partner. As if I had forgotten what happened to me." she grumbled into the phone and slowly stood up, making her way into the kitchen. "As I said, if I need anything I'll let you know but now I'm heading to bed so good night, Fin." she hung up before he had a chance to start again about how impossibly stubborn she is for not accepting help when she needs it. She had Frannie, who had comfortably curled up against her side on the sofa while sipping her tea, and she was now trotting behind her like a shadow.
She went to bed that night, groggy and woozy, hoping to get a good nights rest but, not long into her deep slumber, did the nightmares start and she woke up sweaty, out of breath and heart wildly beating inside her heaving chest. Her ribs ached from the strain and did her best to calm her rapid breathing by silently telling herself that she was safe, at home in her own apartment and that everything was okay.
She was scared. The dream had been so real it felt like she was back there again, in the hands of three masked men, pawing at her, ripping her clothes off and beating her black and blue. Looking at the time she realized that she had only been asleep for a couple of hours and the drugs in her system was still making her extremely tired and she had to fight against much needed sleep. Finally she sat up and shook her head to clear it, taking slow and calming breaths to get rid of the anxiety that had a fierce hold of her sweat soaked body. Frannie nudged her shoulder with her wet nose and licked the side of her face, sensing that something was not right with her master and wanted to help.
"Oh Frannie! What am I gonna do?" She felt alone and cold. The strong need of having someone there with her was a new feeling she wasn't use to and she didn't like it, not one bit. As she sat there, thinking about what to do, the feeling of needing physical comfort only grew stronger by the second and after a few minutes she was shocked when she noticed tears dripping down her cheeks and a sob escaped her lips. Closing her eyes she saw Olivia, her boss, her brown caring and loving eyes, picturing herself in her strong and secure arms, telling her that everything would be okay, stroking her hair and back, holding her close, willing warmth and love into her empty and hollow body, hungry for comfort.
No, she would never show such weakness. She would never give in to the urge of needing someone. She had been on her own the majority of her life and that wasn't going to change now. No! Pushing herself up from the bed she hauled herself into the bathroom, sat down on the closed toilet seat and sat down, the chilled air inside the small tiled room felt cool against her heated skin and it awoke her senses.
Now, shaking from the cold air her eyes caught sight of her razor amd she shuddered at the thought of having the sharp blade pressed against her skin, moving it swifly across pebbled flesh on the inside of her thigh, drawing blood and watching it seep through the cut before repeating it once, then twice, then...
As she thought about it she found herself actually doing it and instantly felt a wave of relief and comfort form the, all too, familiar act. But she also felt shame and regret for not having the strength and will to hold back and fight it. Quickly she threw the razor into the bin and began to clean her wounds with cold water to stop the bleeding. It stung like a bitch but that pain was also very much welcomed and she held a cool washcloth over the cuts, pressing down hard so the pain would intensify.
After a few minutes of blissful pain she went back to bed but didn't lie down. She sat on the edge, feeling empty and hollow again even though she had taken care of those feelings, or at least she thought she had. Cutting usually helped! The emotional turmoil always eased up and eventually vanished after slicing her skin repeatedly but this time it felt different, like it wasn't enough, like no matter how many times she mutilated herself it would never be enough.
Frannie let out a loud bark, worried about his owner's strange behaviour and, again, nudged her shoulder with the tip of her nose. "Easy girl, mama is just... just..." sighing, she scratched her dog behind a perked up ear, "just fucked." she sadly stated, curled back into bed but sleep never found her.
During the early hours of the morning a light and troubled slumber caused her to eventually drift off but woke soon after due to a persistent knocking on her front door. Frannie immediately jumped down from the bed and quickly trotted over to the door, looking at it like it would open by itself, and barked.
"Frannie, it's only me, Olivia. It's okay girl." the brunette soothed from behind the wall.
Amanda stumbled to the door, shot a quick glance through the peep hole and cursed under her breath. "Damn!" she pulled her hair back into a messy bun, rubbed her hand vigorously over her face in a desperate attempt to make herself appear less sleepy and drained looking since she was barely awake.
Pulling the door open she was greeted with a hot take away cup of coffee and a stunning looking Olivia, as usual. The brunette's smiling face faded as soon as she took in the sight of her battered looking friend, took a step inside and closed the door behind her to keep the heat in. "Jesus, Amanda! Did you sleep at all last night?" Liv brought her hand up and cupped the blonde's cheek in concern and care and Amanda felt her skin tingle under the feather light touch but, to Olivia's surprise, she didn't pull away from it.
While stroking the dark skin under Amanda's left eye with the pad of her thumb, something caught her attention and her gaze was drawn further south, gasping loudly in horror and shock at what she saw. "Oh, sweetheart! What did you do to yourself?"
Confused as to what her boss was talking about, she lowered her head and followed Olivia's stare until her eyes came to rest on the fresh cuts on her left inner thigh. Fuck! Somehow, in her sleep deprived state she must've forgotten to put a pair of pants on and she was now standing half naked, in her own hallway, in front of her boss with red, raw and ugly looking cuts on her pale and delicate skin. How could she have been so thoughtless, so careless, so incredibly stupid?
She instantly took a couple of steps back in panic and fear. "Um, it's not what... I mean, I... it's... I... I had an accident, tore my skin open. I'm fine, it's nothing." she waved it off as she continued to walk backwards, bumping into one of the kitchen chairs and felt herself lose her balance.
Liv was beside her in less than half a second to stop her from falling all the way down to the floor, hurting herself more in the process. "Whoa, honey, easy!" she mumbled into her ear and placed a firm hand on her lower back, rubbing softly back and forth. "Sit down for a minute, honey." she gently pushed Amanda down onto the seat, shrugged her coat off, coffees completely forgotten. "Where's your first aid kit?" she softly questioned, trying not to stare at the marks covered in dried blood.
"I... um, it's fine, I'm fine. There's no need for that." the blonde stuttered and tried to get up but was stopped by Liv's gentle hand. "It's nothing, sarge. Please, let go of me." she squirmed out of the gentle but firm hold, pushed herself up but creamed out as the pain in her stomach became too much and she keeled over, wrapping her arms around her middle for support and fought the tears.
Olivia crouched down in front of her and gently pulled the crying woman into a warm embrace, taking her chance to offer some comfort when Amanda wasn't capable of fighting her off. "Hey, easy sweetheart." she hushed as her hand ran up and down the blonde's quivering back. "Come on, you're making it worse by curling yourself up like that, honey. Try to sit up straight and take a deep breath."
She helped Amanda by havimg her seated in an upright position, looked her compassionately in the eyes and told her to breath deeply. "I... I can't!" Amanda hissed between painfilled gasps. "Hurts... God, it hurts!" she was shaking all over, beads of sweat had started to form on her forehead and upper lip.
"I know, sweetie, I know. Come on, just one big deep breath and you'll feel better, trust me. I'm right here with you. Come on, honey." her encouraging words must've had some affect and Amanda eventually inhaled a large amount of air, whimpering as she did so, and let it out slowly. "There you go, honey. Easy now, you're alright, it's okay now."
The gasping breaths eased up and she was finally breathing normal again. As her heart calmed its rapid speed, her mind and focus suddenly became magnified and the shame and embarrassment, mixed with anger and fear, bubbled to the surface. Standing up caused her a great deal of pain but, this time, she did her best to ignore it and almost pushed Liv onto the kitchen floor. "I think you should go now, sarge. I want you to leave. Now!"
Her face was heated from the immense shame that she felt. She needed to be alone, she needed space and she needed to cover herself up, cover the nasty gashes and the scars on her body so nobody could see them, not even herself. She ran into her bedroom and closed the door behind her with a loud bang, leaving Olivia baffled, shocked and concerned but, most of all, she was hurting for her friend.
Inside the bedroom, Amanda found herself pacing back and forth in a fast pace even though the pain was close to unbearable. She had pulled on a pair of warm pyjama bottoms to hide her naked legs and marred skin, hoping that her boss would walk away and leave her alone. The time passed and she didn't know how long she had been walking around in the dim lit bedroom but her ribs and lower belly was screaming at her to stop, take a break and rest.
The pain medication was on the kitchen counter. She had to go in there but since she hadn't heard her boss leave, she knew she was still there, waiting for her to come out. Just as she decided to peep her head out, she was met with Olivia's worried face, only inches apart from hers. They stopped and just stared at each other for, what seemed like, an eternity but in reality it was only a fraction of a second.
"I thought you might need these." a glass of water and the small bottle of pain relief was handed to her and, cautiously, she accepted the items.
"I thought I told you to leave." Amanda muttered after knocking back two tablets, praying for them to kick in faster than usual.
"I'm not leaving until I know you're alright." pushing Amanda was the only option she thought would work and actually get something out of her, but she knew it wasn't going to be easy, or pleasant.
"I'm fine, sarge, you can go."
"The hell you are!" Olivia said, a little louder than she intended to but frustration was taking over and it was difficult to hold it back. Amanda brought her head up, since she had been intensely studying her bare feet, feeling embarrassed and exhausted. Liv's raised voice and the firmness of it caused her to snap out of her little buzz and she felt her heart picking up speed, hearing it thumping in her chest.
"Sarge, I..."
"Olivia! My name is Olivia." the brunette cut her off, her tone still loud but managed to calm herself and continued in a much more soft and gentle manner, the voice that Amanda hated. The victim voice. "Please, Amanda." she sighed, cocked her head to one side and gave the blonde a concerned look. "I have no authority here. I'm not your sergeant and you're not my detective, not right now. I'm simply here because I care about you and I'm worried about your health. Right now, I'm just Olivia, your friend."
"What you saw," the smaller woman began, "the cuts on my leg, it's not... I mean, I didn't... I didn't mean to..." her voice failed her as tears welled up her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.
"I know." Liv spoke gently and approached Amanda slowly, purposely invading her personal space. "I know, sweetie."
They stood close together in the middle of the bedroom floor, only inches apart and Liv reached out to brush the drops away and was relieved and grateful when the small blonde didn't pull away from the touch. Her hand lingered on the damp skin, stroking her thumb back and forth over Amanda's protruding cheekbone. "It's okay not to be okay, Amanda. In the ambulance, on our way to the hospital I... I saw..." she paused, "I saw the scars, the marks on your body." Tears sprung to her brown eyes as she took in the beaten appearance of her friend and collegue, feeling so many emotions, all at the same time, invade her senses.
Amanda gasped in horror and shame, took a step back but Olivia stopped her by placing both of her hands on petite shoulders. "It's okay, sweetheart. I'm not here to judge and I'm not here to tell you off. I'm simply here because I want to be, I want to make sure you're okay and I want to help you with whatever it is you're dealing with. You can keep pushing me away all you want but I will only pull you back closer. Please, help me help yourself."
Amanda lost her pride and strength and she desperately tried to hold back a sob but her body betrayed her. She shook from the intense sobs, covered her face with her hands and lost it only to find herself being held together by strong and safe arms that rocked her gently, soothed her pain and fears and kept her demons at bay. Her boss was holding her, soothing her and comforting her and inside Olivia's secure embrace she finally let go, inhaled the familiar scent of her sergeant and cried, knowing that she would definitely regret this later on but, for now, she didn't have the strength to fight it.