The Murky Depths
Chapter 8
All Amanda wanted was to go back to work, for everything to be the way it use to be, for everything to be normal and for things to go back to the way they were, before all this happened. Nothing was the same, everything had changed and there was no going back. Olivia had seen her break, she had seen her half naked, scars littering her body, fresh cuts on her porcelain skin and her tears that so shamelessly had created wet trails down her cheeks. There was no going back from that, period, and she hated herself for showing such weakness and lack of control, especially in front of her boss.
Olivia was sitting close to her on the couch, their shoulders almost touching. Not a word had been said between the two since Amanda had broken down, except for Liv's soothing words and spoken promises that everything was going to be okay. Her eyes were red and raw, keeping her gaze low to avoid any contact with Olivia's brown and caring ones. She knew that if she looked inside her boss's eyes she would lose it again and, right now, that wasn't an option.
She could feel Olivia's intense stare burning into her flesh, studying her every facial expression, every freckle, every line and every imperfection. It felt unsettling, uncomfortable and unnerving to have someone looking so closely at her.
"Amanda, honey, can you please look at me?" the older woman gently pleaded, feeling the strong need to make sure her friend was alright. The blonde just shook her head without blinking, without barely breathing. "Why not, sweetie? You have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing at all." there was a brief pause. "I'm not going to ask you about it, I'm not going to ask why or how long it's been going on for or how often. It's up to you to tell me whenever you're ready. All I'm asking you is that next time you feel like you have no other option but to hurt yourself, call me. Please, Amanda, I want you to promise me that you will try to get a hold of me before you resort to such drastic measures. I want to help you, honey."
Amanda cringed at the velvety voice coming from the woman beside her. She was incredibly uncomfortable in her own skin and wanted to crawl out of it and never return. She was also torn between wanting to run away from all of this, never look back and continue living like nothing ever happened. Another part of her wanted to be held in Olivia's arms again, to feel her warmth, her care, her concern and her love. To be wrapped up in a tight embrace, to inhale the calm and secure scent of vanilla, sandalwood and that unique intoxicated scent of Olivia.
She could feel her eyes start to well up again and blinked rapidly to ease the burning sensation. "Don't you have to be at work?" she questioned, changing the subject in order to get away from this awkward and uncomfortable situation she was in.
Liv shrugged lightly and smiled gently. "The perks of being the boss is that I can be a little late but don't worry about that. Its my decision to be here and I think I'm needed here more than what I am down at the station right now."
"Im fine. You don't have to babysit me." Amanda said firmly, turning her head in the opposite direction, gazing out the window.
"I know I don't, but it makes me feel better knowing that you're okay." Liv whispered, her heart going out to her best detective.
"I'm okay." Amanda once again chipped in, trying to keep her voice as even and controlled as she possibly could, knowing that Olivia would pick up on anything unusual, anything that stood out or out of the ordinary. Apparently, she didn't do a very good job at it as she thought she did.
"No, you're not, honey. You're not okay." moving closer she prayed that Amanda wouldn't pull away from her touch or run off completely. She gently placed her left hand over two small ones, that rested in the blonde's lap, and rubbed her thumb softly across her knuckles in a soothing manner.
"I don't want to be the reason why you're late for work. You should go." she whispered and swallowed at the thick lump that was quickly forming in her throat.
"I'm not going anywhere. Not until I know that you'll be okay." she softly repeated herself as she gave the small hands a squeeze.
Turning her head, Amanda bore her gaze into glossy brown eyes filled with concern. "And I told you, I'm fine." her voice held an almost venomous tone as she spoke and even Frannie, who was lying in her bed next to the couch, perked her ears up and looked surprisingly at her owner before she relaxed and went back to sleep.
Olivia had to suppress a sigh that threatened to come out. "And I told you, you're not." she studied the teary blue eyes that were fixed on her. "If you're fine then why are you trying your very best not to cry? Please, sweetheart, can you swallow your stubbornness and your pride for one second and tell me what's going on inside your head right now? Please, honey."
"I can't." Amanda replied, her voice more shaky than before.
"Why?" the brunette turned slightly on the sofa, facing the upset woman, looking straight at her with eyes clouded with worry. "Why can't you tell me, honey?"
Not knowing where to focus her gaze on, she just kept staring straight ahead, onto a black tv screen, wishing it was turned on and making noise to distract her from this hell she was currently in. Any noise would do, a distraction, a change in the tense atmosphere, like a foundation or an anchor to relity but it remained black and silent. "I'm... I'm afraid that if I tell you... I will start crying and... and I won't be able to stop. I don't want that, I can't have that."
Olivia could see and feel the small frame shake next to her, in effort to hold her tears in check and it broke her heart a little bit more. "Well," she softly whisperd, draped an arm around tense and trembling shoulders and pulled her close. "maybe you need to lose control. Maybe you have to let go and not being able to stop and that's okay, you know. We all need to cry sometime, it just shows us that we're human."
Frannie suddenly got up and trotted towards her master, placed her head in Amanda's lap and let out a soft whimper, looking at her with sad dark brown, almost black, eyes and nudged her softly on Amanda's knee, sensing her owner's distress. Frannie was very in tune with Amanda's emotions. They had such a strong bond since the blonde had raised her from a puppy up until now, eight years later. The dog could always tell when she was sad, feeling down, angry or depressed and, even before a panic attack could take hold of her owner, she would be by her side in an instant, as if she could smell and sense her anxiety and fears.
Seeing her dogs gentle and sad eyes, the dam burst, the floodgates opened and she threw her arms around her beloved pet, crying into her warm and soft fur, staining it with her tears but Frannie didn't seem to mind one bit.
Olivia couldn't help but to softly smile at the sweet scene playing out before her. She could tell by just looking at these two how close they were and how much they cared for one another. Her arm was still wrapped around Amanda's heaving shoulders and she gently gave them a tug and pulled her upright. "It's okay, Frannie. Mommy is in good hands here, okay. It's my turn now." she softly cooed at the dog, wrapped her other arm underneath the blonde's knees and pulled her into her lap, feeling the body in her arms grow stiff and tense from the sudden movement.
"Shhh, it's okay. I don't mind replacing Frannie. Just hold on to me for awhile instead, just hold on to me, honey. I've got you." Frannie stood by and watched as her new friend comforted her master before slowly walked back to her bed and flopped herself down with a heavy sigh.
Olivia held her previous cargo in her arms, feeling the intense tremors wracking ber body with every sob and tucked the blonde head into her chest, held it there and ran soothing fingers through her hair and down her back, waiting for the worst to be over. About a minute later she could feel Amanda tense up again and how she tried to break free from the hold but Liv knew she wasn't ready, knew she hadn't let herself relax so she gently pulled her back against her body, kissing the top of her head.
"No, no, sweetheart! Stay here for a few more minutes, it's okay. Just let me do this for you, don't push me away." Liv whispered, her lips ghosting the golden tresses and breathed in the scent of Amanda and found it surprisingly fruity and calming, like a balm to her senses.
The younger woman felt her heart race as Liv pulled her even closer. She had dreamed of this, dreamed of being in her boss's arms, breathing her in, feeling her strong body against her own, dreaming of the physical proximity she thought she'd never have but now, when it finally happened, when her dream had finally come true, it wasn't what she expected it to be. It wasn't suppose to happen like this. Things were suppose to be different, this wasn't how she had pictured it to be, not even close.
She wasn't suppose to be this weak, this vulnerable, this crying, shivering and sobbing mess. In her dreams, in her mind, she had imagined herself as strong, independent and kept together but now, thanks to Olivia for pressing on the subject, she was a pathetic whimpering wreck who couldn't keep her emotions in check. No, this was not how she thought things would play out.
Again, she began to struggle, trying to break free from the secure hold, even though her body wanted to stay right where it was. Her brain was screaming at her to put some distance between herself and Liv before her body betrayed her. Yes, she had cried, yes, she had sobbed so hard her petite frame had trembled vigorously as the salty drops had wet her face and, yes, she had shown weakness by doing so. She wasn't use to crying, didn't like the feelings it accompanied, the lack of control, the erratic breathing and the stuffy nose and headache that inevitably came with it. She hated crying.
She broke free and stood up, biting down hard on her lower lip to stop a painfilled moan from escaping. "I'm okay, you coming here was a mistake. You should go, sarge, please I'm fine." she waved her hand in the air, indicating that, what had just happened, wasn't important and didn't matter.
Olivia, confused about the sudden change in her behaviour and mood, slowly made her way towards her friend and stopped only a few inches away. Amanda immediately took a step back which caused Liv to raise her hands in the air in a defenseless manner. "Why don't we sit back down and talk about all this, honey? I don't feel comfortable leaving you on your own in the state you're in."
Amanda snorted and chuckled. "State I'm in! Really? And what state is that, sarge? Weak, pathetic, vulnerable, a fucking mess? I don't need or want your pity. I don't need you to hold me and tell me lies that everything is going to be okay, I don't need you to help me, comfort me, make me a victim just so you can feel better about yourself. No, you don't get to do that!" she pointed her finger at the brunette, her eyes were wild, wide open and brimming with new unshed tears that threatened to fall any second. "I want you to leave."
Olivia didn't want to leave. It didn't feel safe to leave Amanda on her own when she was clearly very upset. She also couldn't ignore the blonde's request for her to leave. This was her home, her apartment and if she wasn't welcomed then she had to respect Amanda's wishes and get out, no matter how she felt about it. Sighing deeply, the older woman silently nodded and headed out the door.
Entering the precinct, Fin could tell right away that something was up. First, his boss was late and she was never late. Second, her face held a sad and troubled expression and her eyes looked dull and tired and third, her whole posture was slumped and her head hung low, avoiding any eye contact as she walked through the bullpen, her attention fully glued to her phone screen.
As Liv closed the door to her office, Fin immediately knocked and stepped inside, his brows knit tightly together in questioning. "You okay, Liv? Wanna talk?" he waited patiently for an answer before the brunette gestured for him to sit down. "Is it Amanda?"
Olivia sighed deeply and leaned back in her chair. "I'm worried about her." she said sadly, "she's... she's on the defensive and I can't get her to talk. She completely shuts down, telling me she's fine and then the next minute she starts crying." she met her senior detective's worried gaze from across her desk. "She cried, Fin." she stated. "She cried. I've never seen Rollins cry, have you? I just don't know how to reach her."
Fin rested his elbows on his knees and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "I've seen her cry once." Liv raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You already about the gambling so I might as well tell you. Do you remember that day when you walked into Craigen's office and Amanda was inside, looking like she had been crying?" he waited for Olivia to nod. She did remember that day. She had spotted Amanda's red rimmed eyes and knew that something delicate had been discussed inside the room just before she had popped her head in. Nothing had been said about it after and everything had continued on as normal. What had really happened that day? She wondered and waited for Fin to explain.
"Well, the night before, Rollins rang me and asked me to meet her, saying she had something she had to tell me. It turned out that she owed this guy money back in Atlanta and he somehow tracked her down, got physical with her, gave her bruised ribs and smacked her around, threatening her. I gave Amanda the money so she could pay him back. She refused, of course, but after I talked some sense into her she did take it, promising to pay back every single cent and she did."
Olivia shook her head sadly, running her hands over her face a couple of times as if it would help her see more clearly. "Why are you telling me this?" she wanted to know, not understanding why Fin suddenly brought it up.
"It took Amanda almost two years before she talked to me about it. I had no idea she was struggling with gambling addiction or that she was in dept. What I'm trying to say is that Amanda is a very private person with a lot of pride, a bit too much if you ask me. We had been partners for almost two years before she felt that she could trust me. Two years of working so closely together and I didn't see a damn thing. She's good at hiding her feelings and she's a master of convincing people that she's alright and that everything is fine. She's pushing you away because it's the only thing she knows how to do and it has worked for her, until now."
Liv smiled gently towards her long term collegue and friend. "When did you become so smart and such a softie?"
Fin shrugged, keeping his cool appearance intact. "Call it temporary insanity, sarge."