The Murky Depths
Chapter 9
Time had never passed so slow accordig to Amanda. She was angry, frustrated, in physical and emotional pain and a nervous wreck. Every noise and every movement from the corner of her eye set her off, causing her to flinch and jerk in fear and her mind would travel back to the day in the bank. She didn't sleep well, didn't eat nearly as much as she should and she was constantly on edge.
Frannie had been her shadow for the past couple of days, not leaving her side, sensing that something was wrong. Both Fin and Carisi had called up to see her, helping her out with Frannie, with strong objections from the blonde, convincing them that she was fine and could do it herself. Grocery shopping was another difficult task since she couldn't lift anything heavy. The guys had bought her loads of food and her fridge was fully stocked but nothing they had purchased was ever eaten.
Over two days had gone by since she had thrown Olivia out of her apartment and she felt extremely guilty for doing so. She knew that the brunette was only trying to help but it wasn't that easy for Amanda. She wanted to stand on her own two feet, to be independent and self sufficient, not wanting help or to rely on anybody else. Fin had tried to get her to open up to their boss, telling Amanda how upset Olivia had been that day in the office and how worried and concerned she was for her friend. Amanda, however, wasn't convinced.
"Did Liv tell you to say that to me, to make me feel bad about myself? To make me feel guilty?" she snarled at her partner who was only trying to help.
"Amanda," Fin deeply sighed, approached the couch she was sitting on and took a seat next to her but kept his distance, not wanting to crowd the blonde. "You have to stop this. You can't go through life without trusting anybody, it's not how it should be." he gently argued, taking in his partner's rolling eyes and couldn't help but to smile at the all too familiar gesture.
"So it's up to you now, to tell me how to live my life?" she muttered and gave Frannie, who was sprawled out on the floor, a belly rub with her sock clad feet.
"Yeah, I do and you should listen to and respect the elders." he winked and lightly bumped his shoulder into hers in a playful manner.
"You make it sound like you're antique, Fin. You're only a few years older than me."
"Ha, more like a decade." he chuckled and glanced down at Frannie. "She taking care of you?"
"Always." she muttered, smiling down at her furry companion who had all her paws up in the air, her tongue hanging out on one side, touching the floor.
"You've got her spoilt rotten, Manda. Does she only eat from a silver platter too?" he joked and nudged her gently again.
She was just about to say something smart back to her partner when there was a soft knock on the door. Frannie immediately perked up and let out a gentle bark as Amanda, painfully, made her way to open it. Her heart began to beat faster when she spotted the familiar figure in the dusky lit corridor outside. "Sarge!? Wh... what are you doing here?" she could hear Fin, in the background, getting his stuff together and stuck his head up behind Amanda's shoulder.
"Hi, Liv! I was just leaving. Manda was just about to feed Frannie with a silver spoon anyway, so I thought I'd make myself scarce before she offers me dinner from Frannie's bowl." before Amanda could protest, or say anything for that matter, he had already left.
The blonde watched him disappear down the steps inside the apartment building and whished that he would've stayed. Now, things were going to be awkward and tense. "Are you going to let me in or are you gonna leave me out here in the cold?" Liv softly smiled and held up a grocery bag. "I got some sweets and chocolates."
Wearily, Amanda let her enter, wondering why she was here in the first place and especially with snacks in hand. "The midweek movie is on at nine so I thought we could watch it together."
"Um, eh... sure." she mumbled and nervously began to fidget with the hem of her shirt. Frannie eagerly greeted their guest before she took her place on her bed.
Olivia studied the blonde from the corner of her eye as she placed the purchased items on the coffee table and, to her concern, she looked worse than when she had seen her last. Pale, skinny, tired and drawn looking, almost sickly. "I was going to buy a bottle of wine but I figued that it probably wouldn't mix well with your pain medication so I got some soda instead." when everything was ready, Liv turned towards Amanda, who was still fidgeting, and softly asked. "How are you holding up?"
"Fine." the answer came too quickly and sounded too rushed and dishonest for anyone to believe her. Not even herself. Olivia being here had taken her by surprise and she now felt like a guest in her own apartment, stiff and nervous, tense and weary.
Amanda tentatively filled two bowls with the treats Liv had bought and placed them on the table while the brunette got two glasses out and filled them up with diet coke. "I have no idea what kind of movie is on so I guess it'll be a surprise for both of us."
Amanda shot her a stiff smile and curled up on the couch to the best of her her ability without hurting herself too much in the process. Frannie was asleep, softly snoring, in her bed as the movie started and Olivia groaned reluctantly. "Oh, it's a horror. You still up for it?"
Pink lips slowly curled into a smile as the blonde looked at her boss. "Why? You scared, sarge?" she said in a low and husky tone to make the whole situation even more scary, teasing Liv about it, sensing her slight distress as the eerie and haunting music began to play through the speakers.
Olivia huffed and waved a hand in the air. "Me? No way! I bet you'll be clinging onto me by the end of it, Rollins. You just wait and see." she winked playfully at her young detective and tossed a bit of milk chocolate into her mouth, moaning in delight as the smooth texture coated her tongue.
To Amanda, the sound of her boss moaning in pleasure, was almost too much to handle and she had to bite down on her lower lip to keep herself from letting out a torturous whimper of suppressed desire.
Liv had been right. Growing up she had never liked horror movies, at least the few ones she had seen in her teenage years. Thinking back, she couldn't remember the last time she had seen one but halfway through the movie she realized that it must've been so many years ago that she had forgotten how scary they actually were and how the modern technology, sound effects and make up made everything ten times scarier.
Her ribs and stomach hurt from holding her breath during the scariest parts. She made herself as small as she possibly could on the large sofa so the bad man on the screen, somehow, wouldn't see her and come after her. As the movie played, Amanda had unconsciously scooted closer to Olivia, who didn't seem at all bothered by the terrifying scenes. When it was over, she visibly relaxed and felt her muscles ease some of their tension and she took a deep breath, silently saying a prayer that it had finally come to an end.
The pain was intense and, even though she tried to avoid taking medication for it, she now felt like she had no other choice. She leaned forward, ready to push herself up with her feet but the agonizing pain made it extremely difficult and she groaned pitifully and wrapped her arms around her middle.
Liv was quickly by her side and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, hey, easy!" she soothed and with her other hand she ran her fingers through blonde bangs away from her blue eyes. "What do you need? I'll get it for you, just stay where you are and let me help you."
Amanda tried to push her boss's hands away and made another attempt to get up only to have the tall brunette gently push her back down. "Amanda, please, don't be so stubborn. I know you're use to taking care of things yourself because you don't like asking people for help but, please honey, let me help you."
Brown eyes searched blue and saw so many emotions trapped inside Amanda's, almost tortured, stare. Olivia's hand suddenly seemed to have adopted a mind of it's own and placed her whole palm against the blonde's smooth cheek, feeling how the younger detective tensed up but didn't pull away from the touch. "What do you need? Pain killers?" she waited patiently for an answer and received a nod. "Okay, just stay put, honey. I'll be right back." spotting the small bottle on the kitchen counter, she hurried back to her friend who was now in tears from the painful attempt to stand up and she placed two tablets in her hand and watched as she downed them with the remaining soda. "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. Is there anything I can do for you right now to make things a bit easier?"
There were so many things swirling around inside her head of what Olivia could do for her. Like hold her close, rubbing her back in soothing circles, giving her verbal reassurances that she was safe and everything was okay, to kiss her lovingly on her lips and tell her she loved her and sooth all her pain away. Was that even an option? Hell no! She wanted all these things, needed them so bad her body ached for her boss's comforting touches but never in her life would she admit to it. Never. She'd rather die first.
Amanda vigorously shook her head, waving her off, telling her she was fine. "Amanda, sweetheart, It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to need it and want it. I'm not going anywhere so get use to it. Tell me what you need, sweetie. What do you need from me?" she sounded desperate in Amanda's ears, wanting to offer help so badly that she almost felt sorry for her.
"I... I'm okay, honestly. I'll be fine when the meds kick in." she hissed between clenched teeth, clutching hard at the arm rest of the couch.
"How long does that usually take?" Liv wanted to know and sat down next to the petite blonde, only a few inches apart.
"Um... about twenty minutes or so. I'll be fine, sarge. I wasn't thinking before standing up. I'm not use to being... crippled so I... I guess I forgot about my injuries and stood up too fast."
Olivia nodded, understanding Amanda's situation even though she was still adamant and determined to help her friend through this somehow. She could see Amanda's knuckles turn white as she grabbed a hold of the side of the couch, her breathing short and rapid, the pain in her ribs making it difficult, almost impossible, to inhale deeply. It was against Liv's nurturing instincts to not help or aid when someone was hurting and she couldn't just sit back and not do anything about it.
She tenderly pryed Amanda's fingers off the arm rest and held her hand between her own warm and soft ones, rubbing her thumb over the bony knuckles that were now slowly returning to their normal colour. "Hey, shh, relax sweetie. You're okay." she whispered, turning her body slightly towards the blonde, still holding onto her clammy hand, squeezing lightly. "Why don't you close your eyes, lean back and just let the meds do their job? Do they make you sleepy?" she gently asked and fought the urge to caress a pale smooth cheek.
Amanda nodded, her face scrunched up in pain as another painfilled spasm tore through her lower belly. Olivia winched in sympathy and, didn't bother to stop herself this time, cupped a now flushed cheek with her palm, wiping away a stray tear with the pad of her thumb that was stubbornly lingering by the corner of her eye. "Just relax, sweetie."
The gentle and comforting touches was something that Amanda never thought would be a reality. She had only dreamt of such close proximity and now, when it was finally happening, all she wanted was to pull away from the burning contact because it was too much, too intense and too unsafe. Her conflicted feelings were so strong that she had no idea that it was even possible to feel this way and it confused her to no end. She wanted this, needed this, so what was the problem? Why couldn't she just be normal and like somebody like a normal person would? Why was everything a struggle, a battle or a heated internal debate about what to do, what to feel, how to feel and what to think?
She wanted to pull away so badly but, as the minutes passed, the meds slowly kicked in, making the blonde really drowsy and found herself being pulled into her boss's caring embrace, too tired and too floppy and limp to protest.
Olivia felt a wave of relief come crashing over her when Amanda didn't seem to mind the physical closeness. Maybe it was just the meds making her unaware of her actions or compromising her usual guarded self but this was a step in the right direction and she couldn't help but to let out a soft sigh, lowered her head and rested her cheek on top of Amanda's blonde tresses.
Olivia popped one eye open. Something had woken her up and she was shocked to find out that she had actually fallen asleep in the first place. The tv had automatically switched to stand by mode and the whole apartment was dark and silent except for the small pitiful whimpers coming from the woman resting in her arms. Frannie was softly nudging her ower with her wet nose, trying to get her to wake up but Amanda seemed to be in a deep slumber. "It's okay, girl." Liv soothed and gently pulled away from the sleeping form and patted the dog lovingly on her head. "Mama is okay, I'll make sure of that."
Frannie seemed to understand, sat down as close to the couch as she could and placed her head on the arm rest, observing her master with great worry. "Amanda? Amanda, honey, you need to wake up." she gasped as she ran her hand along the side of her face, feeling the heat radiating from her pores. "Oh, sweetheart, you're burning up. Come on, wake up for me." she grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her lightly, feeling the material of her shirt was soaking wet from perspiration.
It was obvious that Amanda was trapped in a nightmare. Her whimpers, her painfilled face, her ragged breathing and the tossing and turning of her head only spoke of a bad dream that she was desperate to escape. Olivia shook her harder, calling her name louder this time. "Amanda, I need you to wake up. You're having a nightmare, honey, it's not real."
Amanda flinched from Olivia's touch, even though it was gentle and caring, not rough and brutal like she had experienced in the bank. She woke up, startled to see a dark figure hover above her, and freaked. Curling into herself, she wrapped her arms around her head, as if she was protecting it from oncoming blows, and cried. "No, please! I'll d whatever you want. Please, don't hurt me." she pleaded as tears began to make their way down her flushed cheeks.
"Amanda." Liv spoke low and soft, not wanting to scare her friend any further. "It's me, Olivia, I'm not going to hurt you sweetheart. I would never hurt you. Shhh, you're safe in your own apartment, on your own couch and Frannie is here too. She's worried about you, hun, and frankly so am I."
"Liv?" Amanda's voice was shaky and weak and to Olivia it sounded like a scared child's voice, questioning if it was okay to come out from her hideout.
The older woman felt her own tears roll down her face when she heard her detective call her by her nickname. "Yeah, sweetheart, it's me. It's okay, you're safe now. It was only a bad dream, honey. I'm right here with you." not knowing if Amanda wanted to be touched or not, she kept her distance until she knew that the blonde was fully awake.