Summary: Nurse Training School - The London Hospital

Disclaimer: Call The Midwife belongs to the BBC and others - I am simply borrowing their beautiful characters.

Author's note: This could probably be described as glacial in progress as opposed to slow burn. I'm reliably informed that the pay off will be better in the end - I hope so! My grateful thanks as always to Sittingonthis for the sense check and Jlynnsca for the proof-read.

Patsy duly returned to the Nurses' Home on the 27th December after what she could only describe as an excruciating gathering with the remnants of her family. Her father had been his usual disengaged self. Patsy was quite convinced that it wouldn't have mattered if she had attended or not. His indifference was demonstrated perfectly when he excused himself after dinner and she saw no more of him for the rest of Christmas Day.

Patsy's own behaviour was influenced by her father, so she reciprocated the lack of interest. It was certainly less painful that way. Patsy carried out her obligatory visit, and left as soon as public transport allowed. The Nurses' Home was almost creepily quiet but it was only to be expected. Any nurse who had the opportunity had gone home to celebrate Christmas with their families. Many of the wards had discharged any suitable patients and this allowed some of them to close and more staff to take a break.

Patsy sighed as she dragged on her cigarette. Normally, she was very good at dealing with being alone. But Delia Busby had come into her life in a burst of vivacious energy and enthusiasm and Patsy had been charmed from the outset. It was ridiculous really. They had struck up a firm friendship, and despite Patsy's best attempts, she had fallen under the Welsh woman's spell. As the first term had progressed, they had got closer, and Patsy had noticed that Delia never seemed to be interested in going out on a date with anyone. Patsy tried to test the water by being very clear in her rejection of various doctors' advances but she couldn't quite get a read on how the other woman viewed this. Frankly, she was too scared to do much more than delicately hint. If it was discovered by the Nursing School that Patsy was attracted to women, it would be the end of her career.

But just before Delia left for Wales, she had pressed a small gift in Patsy's hands, despite knowing that Patsy was not a fan of Christmas. The blonde had done as requested and saved opening it till the 25th. Patsy waited until she had gone to bed in order to unwrap it in private. Delia had bought her a hardback copy of English and Welsh poetry, simply signing the flyleaf 'Merry Christmas, love Deels x'. She had also listed three of her favourite poems, 'should you be interested'. Patsy had flipped immediately to the poems in question and pored over them, memorising them and wondering what it was that made them speak to Delia. Then, rather sentimentally, she tucked the book under her pillow in order to keep the book and, by extension, Delia close by.

It was under her pillow now, and Patsy rolled her eyes at the sentimentality of the gesture. In addition to pressing a present into her hands, the brunette had placed a kiss on her cheek just before she left. Patsy couldn't get that out of her mind. She had analysed it and analysed it, along with the words Delia had spoken to go with the gesture, but Patsy remained confused by it all. The strength of feelings she had frightened her. She knew how painful it was to lose a loved one, and she wasn't sure she had the strength to go through that again.

Stubbing out her cigarette, Patsy decided that she needed a distraction for the next few days until Delia's return. She would pop into town in the morning and see if she could pick up a belated present for Delia from the sales, although she had no idea what to get her.

The New Year mirrored the first term in that Patsy and Delia returned to spending time every evening revising the day's classes and making notes before switching to more general conversation. Patsy noticed a clear change in Delia's behaviour around her. The young brunette had come back from Wales with the same exuberant grin on her face and same cheeky outlook, but she was much more tactile since her return. She sat closer to Patsy when they studied, and was more attentive when they spoke. At first, Patsy was uncomfortable, not sure how to cope with the breach to her personal space, but soon realised that she actually revelled in the closeness. Every now and again, Delia topped it all by kissing her on the cheek goodnight. Those were rare occasions, and usually after either a particularly tricky study session, or if their conversation had strayed too near personal territory for Patsy and she had closed down slightly.

Patsy found that she craved Delia's touch and that it comforted her, and she realised that she was falling hard for her next-door neighbour. Curiously, Delia made no mention of potential male suitors either. She simply didn't appear interested in having a date with any of the doctors. Patsy asked if it was because of that pig of a doctor at the ball. Delia simply shrugged it off, stating she hadn't been interested in him even before she discovered he had the manners of a caveman.

Patsy fretted over this, wondering if it was simply that Delia hadn't met the right man yet. A more hopeful interpretation was that just maybe, she was reading the signals right, and Delia was interested in her. Patsy felt paralysed. She felt unable to voice her feelings in case she was horribly wrong but found herself returning blindingly wide smiles when Delia looked at her in a certain way. The feeling of her heart accelerating during those interactions did nothing to dampen her hope.

One evening, Patsy barely knocked on Delia's door before opening it and letting herself in. She saw the brunette nurse sprawled on her bed, reading a letter. "Sorry. Am I interrupting?" The tall blonde asked instinctively.

Delia looked up and smiled as she shook her head. "No, not at all. Just catching up on the news from home." She sighed heavily.

"Not bad news I hope?" Patsy asked, sitting down at the chair in front of Delia's desk.

Delia sat up and shuffled back towards the headboard, gesturing for Patsy to join her on the bed. Patsy quickly shifted to sit at the foot. "No, just the same old questions. It's all just getting a bit frustrating."

"What is?" Patsy knew that Delia had a strained relationship with her mother, but had not heard her sound this irritated by her before.

"Oh, mam's just harping on about boys in the village that are free."

"Oh." Patsy couldn't help how disappointed her voice sounded.

Delia laughed. "Yes. That's how I feel. But she doesn't give up."

Patsy steeled herself. "I take it you're not interested in any boys back home?"

Delia looked at Patsy steadily. "I'm not interested in anyone in Wales," she replied carefully.

Patsy held her gaze for what felt like a lifetime, but she knew in reality was only a few seconds before nodding back. The question was right there to be asked. All she had to do was ask if Delia was interested in anyone here in London. Patsy lost her nerve suddenly, fearful of the answer, even though she was now sure what it would be. "Damn it. I've forgotten my text books. Give me a minute." Before Delia could say another word, the older woman had excused herself from the room, breaking the spell.

On her return, Patsy noted that Delia had put her letter away and was already flicking through the notes she had made. She took her place at the foot of the bed again. "Where have you got to?" She asked politely, and was grateful that Delia simply answered the question and made no reference to what had just happened.

Patsy could feel the grip of the nightmare begin. It was the most bizarre feeling for her. She knew she was locked into another horrific dream that her brain concocted about her time in the Internment Camp. She knew that the intensity of the dream was heightened because it often felt like three years of terror were compressed into a few short minutes. Her brain often got the order of things mixed up, like the sequence of her mother and sister dying. Sometimes in her nightmares, what they said or did during their torturous illness was wrong. Patsy knew it was wrong, and there were times when she tried to correct sequences in her dreams and take an active part. Inevitably, the events would roll on relentlessly, and she would remain locked within it.

Tonight, she could feel her limbs move as she fought and ran, and hid from unseen foe. It didn't matter. Her mind often conjured images of incidents that hadn't happened. But while she was locked into her dreams, it didn't matter if she denied it, the events would happen anyway. Every time it would provoke a visceral response she had no control over. She could hear herself murmuring out loud as she spoke in her dreams, but she couldn't help but make the noise. She knew that this dream was warming up to be truly traumatic one. It was gripping her with a force she hadn't experienced for a while. It felt like she was awake and asleep at the same time. The dream fear, and being aware of her body's actual reaction to the torment simply doubled the trauma. This nightmare would leave her exhausted, trembling and terrified but try as she might, she could not prise her eyes open and wake herself up. As this particular dream's sequence of events unfolded, she felt her limbs twitch uncontrollably. She needed to wake up before she saw her mother in the hospital hut again. She needed to wake up before she saw her sister. She needed to wake up, but she couldn't. She couldn't even divert herself away from the path she was walking toward the hut. Patsy tried, and tried, feeling the panic build exponentially. She had to wake up. Suddenly she was in the hut and seeing the lifeless eyes of her mother staring back at her. She knew she was screaming. She could feel that she was screaming, but she couldn't stop.

"Patsy?"

Who was calling her? That was no voice she recognised.

"Patsy!"

Patsy's eyes shot open and she shut her mouth, stopping the scream suddenly. She saw Delia, kneeling at her bed, a look of concern clearly on her features. The nurse, traumatised by the nightmare, sobbed, and tried to turn away, embarrassed that Delia had witnessed such weakness.

"Shhh, shhh," Delia comforted, stroking the woman's hair softly. "You're okay. I'm here." She murmured the words softly and repeatedly, and made no other comment about what had happened.

Patsy took huge gulping breaths, desperately trying to calm down. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." She managed between breaths.

"Don't worry about that. I'm here now."

Patsy felt the bed give slightly as Delia sat down on it.

"What are you doing?"

"Well I'm not going anywhere until you've calmed down, and kneeling by the bed is giving me pins and needles so I'm getting myself comfy." The Welsh woman sounded completely matter-of-fact as if it was the most perfectly normal thing in the world.

"You shouldn't be here. It's past curfew." Patsy's words were still choppy. From experience, she knew that she would be like this for some time.

"The night Matron already knows I'm in here," Delia replied simply.

Patsy was exhausted and still shaking but forced herself to turn round and face the brunette. "What?"

"It would appear that she also decided to investigate. She saw me up and we agreed that it probably made sense for me to look in on you as I'm your neighbour. That keeps her available for anything else that might need her attention."

"Was I really that loud?" Patsy asked quietly. She could feel her face burn with shame and embarrassment.

"It was more unexpected and a bit alarming, rather than loud. And I certainly wasn't prepared to ignore someone in need," Delia replied honestly, knowing that Patsy would prefer that.

"You didn't need to do that. I'm sorry."

"I didn't need to do it, but I wanted to. Pats, you're my best friend. Of course I wanted to help you." Delia sat back slightly and adjusted the pillow so that she was slightly more comfortable. She stroked Patsy's hair again softly, trying to provide comfort.

Patsy swallowed nervously. She so wanted Delia to comfort her and hold her tight, but she couldn't find the words to ask. The excess adrenaline coursing through her was making her body tremble almost uncontrollably and waves of nausea were rolling over her. "You don't have to stay, Deels. I'll be fine," she tried.

Delia shook her head. "I'm not going anywhere yet. Just try and relax. Lie there and breathe it all out. I'm here. You're safe." The Welsh woman was almost chanting her reassurance, trying to emphasise the veracity of her words by continually stroking the older woman's hair.

"I suppose you want me to tell you about it," Patsy muttered, her voice muffled as she turned her head in towards the bed, rather than look at Delia.

"Would it help?" Delia asked quietly. Patsy shook her head. Just the thought of having to find words to describe the dream was making her shake again.

Delia's hand drifted over Patsy's shoulder blade but continued to draw random patterns. "Then no, I don't want to you to tell me about it. You can close your eyes now. Nothing's coming back while I'm here," she assured.

"I won't fall asleep after this. I never do," Patsy admitted. "You don't need to stay. You need your sleep."

Delia didn't appear fazed by this. "Okay. How about this? I will stay here and keep hold of you until you stop shaking and calm down enough to relax, and then I'll leave you in peace and get a doze in before class."

Patsy thought for a few moments, knowing that it was unfair of her to ask Delia to stay, and yet petrified at the thought of being alone for the remainder of the night. She heard her own breathing remain shaky. "Okay. But I"m sending you out once I've recovered."

"Deal. Now, scoot in a bit. I'm quite happy for you to use me as a pillow," Delia offered.

Patsy moved without thinking, and rested her head on Delia's lap. She took a deep, shaky sigh as she willed herself to calm down, and then smiled weakly when she felt Delia place a kiss on top of her head.

"I've got you, Pats," Delia whispered. "You're safe."

Patsy was surprised to find that she believed Delia, and after what felt like an eternity, her heart rate and breathing finally started to return to more normal levels. She relished the feel of Delia's fingertips tracing random patterns on her upper arm and decided to wait just a few more minutes before telling her that she would be okay and that Deels could go back to bed. The pull of sleep took her before she got the words out.

Delia felt the taller woman relax but continued to run her fingers along her arm. She desperately wanted to know what it was that had so deeply affected Patsy. Asking her immediately after the event, when she was still so obviously traumatised, was just not appropriate. The brunette hoped she could do something to help with whatever anguish was tearing at Patsy, but she would not push. She knew Patsy too well. All that would achieve would be Patsy shutting down and a psychological wall of protection being erected.

She smiled sadly at the nurse, grateful that Patsy at least felt secure enough to fall asleep. Very slowly and carefully, she leant down and kissed the top of her head again, before leaning back against the headboard. "How do I tell you that I love you, Pats?" She murmured softly. She shook her head at her predicament but settled down to her vigil; there was no way she was letting Patsy wake up alone in the morning. Delia's smile widened slightly as she looked down again. Patsy's hand had managed to grab a fistful of Delia's pyjama top. Despite her clearly being asleep, she was gripping the material as if she were holding a lifeline. It would seem that, subconsciously, Patsy had no desire to wake up alone either.

Patsy slowly became aware of her surroundings as she woke up. She was surprised that she had fallen asleep at all after the nightmare. On the very few occasions when she had done that in the past, she had woken up with another petrified start, the remnants of the nightmare still affecting her. This morning however, she felt safe and calm. The heavy pressure she could feel on her back and the rhythmic undulation of her pillow reminded Patsy that she had fallen asleep on Delia. She controlled the urge to suddenly disengage; if Delia was asleep, that would wake her up rudely. She tilted her head up slowly and winced as she saw the young brunette, fast asleep, leaning back against the headboard. Her head was tilted right over onto her shoulder. Delia was going to wake up with a terribly stiff neck.

Gently, Patsy sat up, feeling Delia's arm slip off her back. "Deels?" She whispered softly.

Delia's eyes sprung open and she groaned as she tried to right herself. "Ow." The nurse gripped her neck with her hand as it protested at the movement.

"Sorry Deels." The apology was for all sorts of things, but Patsy knew that the longer Delia stayed in that position, the worse the pain in her neck would be.

"It's okay Pats. I only dropped off a little while ago. It won't take too long to work out the kinks." As she spoke she rolled her shoulder, wincing again at the pain.

"I thought I told you not to stay?" The tone Patsy used indicated just the opposite of the sentiment, as she smiled gratefully at her friend.

"Actually, you said that you'd tell me when to go, and then you fell asleep," Delia teased lightly, returning an unguarded smile. "Besides, I didn't really have much of a choice," she continued, her smile changing into a grin as she looked down to where Patsy's hand was still gripping her pyjama top.

Patsy blushed instantly and let go, noticing the deep creasing that indicated just how tightly she had been holding on. "Sorry."

"Don't be silly. It's given me quite the ego massage." Delia kept the tone light, somehow knowing that now was not the time to revisit what had happened last night; particularly after Patsy had woken up looking rested and calm.

Patsy sat up a bit more and looked round Delia toward the nightstand. "It's nearly time for breakfast." She looked at Delia critically. "You look exhausted. Will you be okay in class?"

"Of course. I've slogged through many a night shift on less sleep." She was still absently rubbing at her neck, willing the tightness to ease. "Are you going to be okay?" She looked at Patsy with pure concern.

"Thanks to you, yes. I can't remember ever sleeping after nightmares before. I don't know what magic you have Deels, but it worked." She grinned shyly.

"I'm just a comfortable pillow," Delia returned sagely, nodding to herself as she got up. "I'd better get dressed." She yawned suddenly. "Thank god it's Friday. Just keep me awake in class and then I can sleep all weekend."

Patsy frowned. "Are you blowing me out for Saturday's trip to the V&A?" A lop-sided grin gave her away.

Delia tried to shrug, but winced again. "Ouch. Remind me not to fall asleep sitting up again," she grumbled before grinning at the blonde nurse. "I'm sure I'll be recovered enough for our day of culture. But I think you owe me lunch." With that, she winked and left Patsy's room.

Patsy continued to stare at the door, trying to order all her jumbled thoughts and feelings. Roaring clearly through all her other half-formed ideas, emotions and suppositions was one very loud question. Patsy sighed to herself. "How do I tell you that I love you, Delia?"

To be continued...