The Murky Depths

Chapter 10

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Amanda clutched her fingers tightly around the cup of tea that Liv had made, still shaky and upset from her dream. She shook her head and tried to take a sip of the steaming brew but her hands were too shaky to even hold the cup straight. Olivia scooted closer and wrapped her own hand around Amanda's to steady her hold while she sipped it carefully. "Was it about the... situation inside the bank?" she softly questioned, thinking it would be easier on the blonde if she asked questions and not have her tell the whole contents of her dream.

The blonde pushed the cup away and curled up into a tight ball even though it was extremely painful. "No... I mean, yes but it... it... it's nothing, really. It's just a dream, right?" she nervously chuckled and looked away, not feeling brave enough to look at her boss.

Olivia sighed softly and placed the cup on the table. "Still, what you went through inside that building, no one should have to go through that. No one." she stated sadly while studying the blonde's facial features, trying to make out what she was thinking and what she was feeling.

"I... it wasn't that bad. I mean, I was a bit scared and they did throw a couple of punches but... I'm fine." was she trying to convince Olivia or herself? She didn't know.

"Amanda," Liv tenderly scolded, "you're everything but fine, sweetie. Those punches were hard enough to knock a fully grown man out."

Blue eyes widened in shock. "How... how do you... when..."

"I saw the footage, Amanda. I saw what he did to you and I know that it must've been very painful. Please, don't lie to me or try to cover up your emotions by convincing yourself, or me for that matter, that you're fine. "

"You... you saw... the whole... thing?" of course she had seen the whole thing. She was a cop herself and knew how situations like these were handled. The surveillance footage was obviously streaming live onto the police monitors, she knew that, she had experienced a good few situations like these herself down in Atlanta and here in New York. Of course Liv had seen the footage!

How could she have been so stupid and not realizing it sooner? She was a cop for god's sake! She knew how the system worked and how they followed procedures in hostage situations. There were always cameras, especially in a bank, and knowing that Olivia, her boss, her sergeant had seen her get beat up made her feel sick to her stomach.

Olivia shifted closer, sensing her friend's distress and wanting to calm her down by taking a icy hand in her own. "I saw," she said softly, barely a whisper. "and I want you to know that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You did what you had to do to survive and you're here, you're okay and you're safe. That's all that matters, honey."

Amanda wanted to tear her hand away from it's comfortable position, she wanted to scream at her boss, yell at her, to tell her that it wasn't okay, nothing was okay. That she had shown weakness, letting those men touch her like that, look at her like she was a piece of meat, and humiliate her in front of her squad, her boss, her... her friends. She wanted to be left alone and wallow in her own misery, have a couple of drinks, even though she wasn't suppose to, smoke a whole packet of cigarettes out her window and eventually crash and burn on the couch.

The thought that her boss had seen her in such a weak and pathetic state repulsed her but she still couldn't find the energy, the will or the power to pull away from the soft touch. Instead she just sat there, her right hand being held tightly by Olivia while she picked at a loose piece of thread, on the arm rest, that had sprung free from the material. She wanted more of Olivia's touches, needed more but was too scared of ending up too close, on a physical level, that it would be impossible not to act upon her feelings towards her boss. Impossible not to touch her, to caress her and impossible not to kiss her.

Then, Olivia moved even closer, their sides touching, hands still in a firm grasp and the scent of Liv's perfume lingered in the air, traveling up Amanda's nostrils, causing her body to shiver. The brunette noticed the shudder and pulled the small frame into a warm embrace but immediately felt Amanda stiffen and go completely rigid. "Hey, I'm not going to hurt you, sweetie. Relax for me, please. You're making the pain worse by tensing up like that. It's just me, honey."

"I... I didn't want you to see that." she stuttered, fighting the tears from escaping, her voice quivering from pent up emotions that she didn't know how to let go of.

"I know, sweetie, I know." Olivia glanced at the clock on the wall and was shocked to see that it was almost two am. For twenty minutes they sat in silence, Liv caressing the back of Amanda's hand with her thumb and her other arm was wrapped around her shoulders, keeping her friend warm and safe. Not until Amanda stiffled a yawn did Olivia gently break free to look into tired blue and bloodshot eyes. "You want to get into bed? You'll be more comfortble lying on a proper mattress, honey. Come on!"

Carefully she helped the blonde into a standing position and began to guide her to her bedroom. There was a slight chill in the air which caused Amanda to shiver once more and then realized that her shirt and bottoms were damp from sweat. "I... I have to take a shower, I... I can't go to bed like this, I... I'm dirty, I... I have to... wash him off, I... I need to wash him off of me." she was rambling and panicking, pulling herself away from Liv's gentle hold and stormed into the bathroom as fast as her ribs would allow.

Liv was surprised at how fast the blonde disappeared into the bathroom considering her injuries. Now, she was inside Amanda's dim lit bedroom, Frannie already on the bed yawning and she was growing increasingly worried about her young detective and how, and why, she had just stormed off the way she did. When she heard the shower being turned on, she sat down next to the slumbering dog and ran her hand down along her smooth furry back. Immediately Frannie rolled over, her four legs up in the air so Liv could get better access to her belly, closing her deep brown eyes, enjoying every second.

"Oh, you like that, don't you? Does mama give you loads of belly rubs too? I bet she does." she cooed and realized that it sounded like she was talking to a baby or a toddler, not a dog. "Does mama usually take showers in the middle of the night?" she questioned, almost expecting an answer from her four legged friend. "You're not gonna tell me, are you?" Frannie just stretched, sneezed a couple of times and rolled over onto the other side.

She felt awkward and out of place. Should she wait for the blonde to finish, to make sure she was alright, or should she leave a note telling her to call at any time if she needed anything? No, leaving was not an option, she quickly realized that. If something were to happen she would never forgive herself. Amanda had seemed very jumpy and on edge after the nightmare, even before the dream, and Olivia didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone right now, things just didn't feel right.

Amanda leaned forward, resting her palms against the cold wet bathroom tiles letting the steaming hot spray of the showerhead beat down onto her toned back. The water was scalding, which it normally wouldn't be, and the steam had fogged up the glass in the cubicle and the mirror. She could barely see her own hand in front of her but she couldn't care less about the steam or the fact that she couldn't see very far. The almost boiling water made her, usually pale skin, turn red raw but the physical pain was welcomed this time. She scrubbed herself hard up to a point where she nearly broke the thin surface of her skin and she knew that if she kept it up, blood would inevitably seep through.

The dream was still fresh in her mind and all she wanted was for the images, of the man who had hurt her, to go away. Physical pain usually helped to take the edge off but not even the steaming and scalding hot water was enough this time. The feeling of rough hands, the gun pushing hard between her legs and the hard blows hailing forcefully on her torso were still playing out before her and she trembled.

From the corner of her eye she saw a glimpse of something shiny hanging on the wall, only a few inches in front of her. Her razor. Everything in her mind went blank except for the thought of that sharp steel blade pushing against her skin, sliding it across pale flesh and watch the blood drip down onto the floor, mix with the water and swirl down the drain. Before she had finished her thought it was happening and the crimson coloured liquid created a shade of pink as it made contact with the water by her feet and her inner thigh had a thin long open cut. Within a minute she had a second and a third cut just next to the first one and the blood was slowly trickling down her leg, the hot water scalding the open wounds and Amanda clenched her fists and hissed in pain and pleasure.

Half an hour passed and Olivia was still waiting for the blonde to emerge from the bathroom. She contemplated the options she had and decided to wait for another few minutes before taking the matter into her own hands. She rubbed Frannie's belly once again but stopped dead in her tracks when she heard a sharp inhalation behind the closed door and she immediately got up. "Amanda, you okay? You've been in there for over thirty minutes. You must be a prune by now."

There was no answer and the water was still running. "Amanda?" still nothing. Biting her bottom lip in worry, she decided to go in and check on the blonde, to see i she was okay. As soon as she opened the door the steam escaped the confined space and quickly spread across Olivia's concerned features. It took a while for her eyes to adjust to the heavy damp vapor but after a few seconds it eased up and her vision cleared.

The water was running and she could make out Amanda's hunched silhouette through the fogged up glass, noticing how she was bent over, hands resting on her knees. "Amanda?!" there was still no answer. Surely Amanda must've heard her by now? She tried again but ended up with the same results and that's when she decided to just slide the glass door to the cubicle open and find out for herself what was going on.

"Aman..." she froze, her body went cold, her heart stopped for a second and so did her breathing. Leaning against the wall, supporting her upper body weight by resting her hands on shaky knees was Amanda. Brown eyes immediately went to the red and angry looking gashes on her left inner thigh, blood slowly making it's way down the length of her leg all the way down to her feet. She then spotted the razor that was still tightly clutched in a fierce grip in Amanda's hand.

Suddenly all her training and all previous experience she had in situations like these seemed to vanish and, for a moment, she didn't know what to do. This wasn't just any other case with just any other victim. This was Amanda, her subordinate, her coworker, her friend.

When Liv finally heard a soft whimper coming from the blonde, all her senses came back and she sprung into action. She quickly turned off the shower, gasping as the scalding water hit her skin and grabbed a large towel hanging on the towel rack nearby. Touching Amanda now might not be a good idea since she didn't seem to be aware of her surroundings or what was happening. "Amanda, sweetie, I'm gonna wrap the towel around you, okay? Can I do that?"

Amanda was still not responding and the brunette didn't know if she had even noticed her presence or her voice, which scared her immensely. Then, she saw the razor that was being held in a tight grip in the blonde's right hand. She had to get that razor from her before she hurt herself even more. "Hey, honey, can you please give me the razor? I don't want you to hurt yourself any more, sweetheart." the blank stare in Amanda's eyes told her that she was temporarily not present and that she was indeed in shock or some sort of trance. By keeping her voice low and soothing, Liv hoped that Amanda would sense the non- threatening tone and realize that she meant no harm. However, it didn't seem to work.

Instead, Olivia stepped inside fully and very slowly reached for the clutched hand and, by gently prying her fingers open, one by one, she eventually removed the sharp object and swiftly wrapped the big fluffy towel around her shaking frame. Even after all that it still didn't seem to have had any affect on Amanda, who was still more or less in the same position. "Come on, sweetie. Can you walk? I need to look at those cuts, darling."

Considering the late, or some would say early morning, Olivia was wide awake and extremely worried for her friend. Amanda rarely showed emotion in front of other people so seeing her in this condition scared Olivia deeply. When the blonde didn't move she had no other option but to swiftly scoop her up into her arms and carry her to the bed so she could sit her down. "It's okay, my love, I'll fix you right up and then we're gonna have a talk, okay? Just you and me... and Frannie, of course." she smiled gently, trying to lighten the mood to make Amanda feel better, more safe and more in control.

She found a first aid kit underneath the sink in the bathroom and began to tenderly and thoroughly clean out the cuts that were still bleeding but significantly less than a few minutes ago. Some of the blood was already starting to dry and Liv had to use alcoholic swabs to wipe it all away. Amanda didn't make a sound as the wet tissue made contact with her open wounds even though Olivia knew that the stinging sensation must be excruciating.

As she cleaned the cuts she let her eyes wander to other parts of her legs and saw faint scars littering her body. Most were situated on Amanda's inner thighs, where they were mostly hidden and out of view, but there were also quite a few further down her legs but only on the inside. The towel covered her private parts but the brunette could make out a couple of marks on her chest area and a few on the upper parts of her breasts from the corner of her eye. She didn't want to be caught staring, knowing that Amanda would hate that, but she couldn't help but to run her fingers softly over a particularly long and marred line, realizing that it must've been a very deep cut.

She finished up quickly as she noticed that Amanda had began to shiver from the light chill in the air. Suddenly, the blonde somehow, must've pulled herself out of her murky depths and crawled back up to reality, to the present and to Olivia. She looked at Liv with confusion for a minute, as if she was trying to figure out what had happened, where she was and why her boss was in her apartment in the middle of the night, kneeling in front of her while she was naked underneath a towel.

Embarrassed was not the word to describe what she was feeling, not even mortification came close to cover it. She did feel odd, like she had missed something, as if she had lost track of time and how that was even possible. All she could remember was watching a movie with her boss and then things started to get a bit fuzzy. She couldn't remember how she got here, how and why on earth she was sitting naked on her bed, in a towel and having Liv tend to her bleeding leg.

Then she remembered. The movie, the nightmare, the shower and how she got to where she was now. In the midst of it all she must've lost control, causing her mind to travel back to that day in the bank, her previous despicable and evil boss, Patton, in Atlanta and horrid memories from her childhood to resurface. While all this was swirling around and around inside here skull, she must've reached for the razor at some point and let her body do whatever it needed to.

Quickly, she pulled away from Olivia's touch, as if the brunette had hurt her and scurried back, her limbs getting tangled in the bed sheets while trying to get as far away as possible. "Don't," she pleaded, "please, go. You should go. I'm so sorry about this, I... I don't know what happened but... you should go, you have to go." she stuttered and finally got to her feet, attempting to make it into the bathroom so she could close the door and create as much space between her and her boss.

However, Olivia was quicker in her actions and stopped Amanda from passing her out by grabbing her wrist in a firm hold. "No." she said, her tone strong and determined. "We are gonna talk about this and I won't take no for an answer. Sit down."