Summary: Nurse Training School - The London Hospital
Disclaimer: Call The Midwife belongs to the BBC and others - I am simply borrowing their wonderful characters.
Author's note: I can reliably tell you that a lot more happens in this update and progress is made. My grateful thanks as always to Sittingonthis for really making me evaluate what I write and Jlynnsca for the proof-read.
It was over a week before Patsy finally garnered enough courage to talk to Delia about her nightmare. Delia kept her word and they attended the Victoria and Albert museum at the weekend. Patsy dutifully bought lunch as requested but no mention was made of the disturbed night they had both had. Delia did not push. She knew it was Patsy's story to tell, and she had no intention of making her feel any more embarrassed or scared. The following week progressed as if nothing had happened.
Delia didn't say anything to Patsy, but she would stay awake at night well past midnight, listening for any further bad dreams before finally falling into her own fitful sleep. She was tired and knew that she was over-reacting. The thought of Patsy spending even a moment alone when going through something that obviously haunted her so deeply was simply unbearable for her. She was glad they had made it to Friday so that she could sleep in at the weekend. The evening was made better when Patsy stuck her head round the door and asked if she had already had dinner.
"Not yet. I wasn't sure what I was in the mood for," Delia smiled back.
Patsy frowned when she saw Delia sat at her desk, pen poised. "Do you want me to come back later when you're done?" She asked considerately.
"Of course not. It's the weekly letter home. It can very definitely wait." She stood up and leaned behind the door to snag her coat and scarf. "Where are you taking me?"
"Well I was thinking of going to the Ritz," the tall nurse began airily, "but I actually just fancied haddock and chips. Or are you in the mood for something else?"
"It's Friday night. It's the law to have fish and chips on a Friday," the brunette declared as she shrugged her coat on.
Patsy smirked. "You have a lot of laws about when food should be eaten," she declared.
Delia laughed. "Don't pay too much attention. All my rules change depending on what I'm in the mood for." She waggled her eyebrows cheekily as she fastened the buttons. "Go on Pats. Get your coat on," she chivvied.
Patsy eyes widened in amusement. "Alright, Miss Bossy," she replied, before disappearing to her own room.
A short while later, the two women exited the chip shop, holding parcels of tightly wrapped food. Delia took a step back towards the Nurses Home but stopped when Patsy laid a hand lightly on the crook of her arm. "Do you mind if we eat outside?" She asked tentatively.
Delia frowned. It was a freezing February evening and both women had wrapped up well against the winter weather, but there was obviously a reason for the bizarre suggestion. "Okay," she agreed slowly.
Patsy nodded, and headed away from their residence and towards Victoria Park. "I know it's an odd request but I wanted to talk," she continued. "I'd rather not do it in our rooms though."
Delia simply shrugged and followed the taller woman to her destination of choice.
When Patsy reached the park, she headed towards a bench where the pair of them often sat to watch the world go by. It was then that Delia had a sudden flash of insight. "Pats, are you wanting to talk about something..." She paused as she searched for the right word. "Uncomfortable?"
Patsy could only nod, already feeling her courage starting to leave her.
"Okay. How about we go and sit somewhere that we don't usually go. That way, it won't matter if it becomes tainted with difficult memories."
Patsy stopped and stared at Delia, marvelling at her understanding. She had no idea how the woman could be so intuitive. "That's a good idea," she agreed softly and allowed Delia to lead her to a bench that was a little more out of the way.
They huddled close together, drawing heat from each other to combat the chill February evening. The two women ate in silence, knowing that their food would quickly go cold. Patsy flicked nervous glances at Delia as she ate. She wanted to tell Delia about the cause of her nightmares, but it had been so long since she had spoken to anyone about it, she wasn't sure she could find the words, or the strength to do it.
Delia could feel the tension radiating from Patsy. She simply continued to eat in silence, not wanting to put any sort of pressure on the nurse.
Patsy wrapped up the remainder of her supper, realising that she was no longer hungry. "Deels," she began nervously.
Delia twisted slightly so that she could look at Patsy. "Go on," she encouraged softly.
Patsy nodded, looking down into her lap. "I'm not very good at opening up with people," she continued, looking up sharply when she heard Delia snort. She returned the Welsh woman's wry smile and nodded. "My nightmare last week, and me not being able to talk." Patsy paused again. This was so difficult. She took a deep, steadying breath. "It's all connected." She broke off her gaze with Delia and returned her focus to her lap. "I grew up in the Far East," she continued softly.
Patsy spoke for over an hour, her voice hoarse by the time she drew her story to a close. When she finished, she took a shaky breath and realised that she was crying, but had no idea when she had started. Having revealed her most painful secrets, she felt as though she had lain herself bare. The blonde nurse wasn't sure she was ready to look at Delia. She didn't want to see shock or overdone sympathy. She certainly didn't want to see disappointment or disgust. She jumped slightly when she felt Delia's hand gently grasp her own. She breathed in again and looked up, exhaling in relief when she simply saw a friendly half-smile and blue eyes brightened by unshed tears.
"Thank you for telling me, Pats," Delia whispered softly. She shifted slightly and put her arm round Patsy.
Grateful for Delia's presence, Patsy leaned in and accepted the comfort, feeling more tears come out after the catharsis. She hadn't realised how much of a relief it was to tell someone else. She didn't care that she was crying out in public. Her feelings had been suppressed for too long. It was indescribable to finally have someone that she could honestly talk with and who wouldn't judge her. She knew Delia wouldn't use empty platitudes or tell her how she should be feeling. Delia would simply be Delia, and be her rock to cling to whenever she felt overwhelmed.
Delia held onto Patsy as she calmed down and the tears stopped. She said nothing; there was nothing she could say to take away the pain, even though she so desperately wanted to. She took the opportunity to try and control her own emotions. The last thing Patsy needed was for Delia to be an emotional wreck. The Welsh woman had been surprised that Patsy had opened up so much, and where they were in danger of being overheard. On reflection however, the park was usually quiet in the evening, and on a particularly cold night in February, the chances of being disturbed were actually quite slim. Eventually, she felt Patsy steady herself and sit up slightly. "Come on, Pats," she said gently. "The coffee shop is still open and I think we could both do with a hot drink." She stood up and held out her hand, helping the taller woman up from the bench. They strolled, shoulder to shoulder in silence to the cafe.
When the students were assigned their next ward placement, Patsy and Delia were ecstatic to find out that they would be in the same department. Within the first few days, they studied the off duty and put themselves forward for the same shifts where possible, as well as trying to get the odd day off together too. It was great fun actually working alongside each other. Their already established bond meant they looked out for each other so that they didn't inadvertently get into any trouble. It also meant a fair bit of giggling which garnered some pointed looks from the ward sister.
Patsy shook her head, smiling as Delia sashayed back down the ward to answer a call button. The late shift had flown by and they had worked efficiently to get all their tasks done early. This had allowed them a few minutes respite and the opportunity for a bit of small talk.
"You seem to be getting on very well with Delia," Millicent James commented. The student nurse's words were innocent enough but they were laced with a suggestion of something much more sinister.
Patsy jumped on it immediately. "Of course I do. We're friends."
Millicent made a show of looking up and down the ward before continuing in a hushed tone. "You ought to be careful, Patsy."
"Careful of what?" She asked, a look of confusion on her face. Inside, she could feel her heart pounding.
"Come on Patsy, don't be naive," Millicent retorted.
Patsy shook her head. "I'm sorry Millicent. I am naive. What on earth are you talking about?" She could hear her clipped tones sound even tighter than normal and hoped that Millicent hadn't noticed.
The small nurse stepped closer. "You know Delia hasn't had a boyfriend or even a date since we started," she confided conspiratorially.
Patsy shook her head. "That's hardly surprising given that it's completely against the rules to fraternise with the doctors," Patsy pointed out reasonably.
"And everyone ignores that. I've been seeing Dr King for two months now," Nurse James continued.
Patsy raised her eyebrows. "Well I didn't know that either. But aren't you risking your career if you get caught?"
Millicent shrugged her shoulders. "Unlikely. I'd probably get reprimanded but that's only if I get caught." She looked meaningfully at Patsy.
"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. But what does that have to do with Delia, or me for that matter?" Patsy was determined to play it cool.
"Delia spends all her free time with you."
"Yes, we're friends," Patsy repeated, a hint of irritation in her voice.
"Don't you think it's odd that she does that, and doesn't go out with anyone else?"
"No. I'm actually rather grateful. I got 90% in my last set of exams."
"But she's never had a boyfriend."
Patsy couldn't help herself. "Neither have I. What's your point?"
Millicent huffed, looking annoyed that Patsy wasn't picking up on her innuendo. "You danced with several chaps at the Winter Ball, Patsy. Delia refused to dance with anyone."
Patsy knew that wasn't strictly true, but she wasn't sure it would make a difference if she pointed it out to Millicent or not. "I still don't understand what you're trying to say."
Millicent stepped closer again and lowered her voice to a whisper. "What I'm trying to say is that those country girls have funny ways about them. You don't want to be tarred by the same brush. Take my advice and keep your distance."
Patsy bristled. "When your 'advice' is based on malicious and unfounded gossip I think I'd rather just ignore it, thank you. Delia is my friend. And I suggest you stop speculating for idle entertainment."
Millicent took a step back, a little startled by the vehemence of Patsy's response. "Sorry. I'm just trying to help. I'd hate for you to lose your job because of someone else's unnatural behaviour." She spun on her heel and returned to her section of the ward.
Patsy was furious with Millicent, yet frightened at the same time. She hadn't even done anything wrong. She knew that the student nurse was just relishing the gossip, but those sort of rumours had a habit of sticking. Patsy was certain that it was petty jealousies that had fostered the speculation. Delia had been top of the class again, by some distance. The first time round, the other students had congratulated her on her achievement. This time they needed to find something to criticise.
The trouble was, the words had been said now. Despite her brushing off Millicent's comments as pure speculation, Patsy was now trying to analyse every interaction she had with Delia just in case they had done something inadvertently to warrant the scrutiny. Would she have to act differently in order to try and deflect attention on themselves? They certainly did spend all their time together, but many of the other nurses did the same thing. Patsy could only surmise that their conversations would include which doctor was considered the best catch.
The tall nurse looked up as she heard steps approaching. Delia was returning from her errand, a broad smile on her face. Patsy did not reciprocate.
Patsy tried not to let Millicent's words affect her interactions with Delia, but she knew that the damage had been done. She made some adjustments to her shifts so that they weren't always working together and she swapped some days off. When Delia asked her about it, Patsy explained it away by saying they were favours for the other nurses but she caught the disappointment in Delia's eyes. Patsy believed that she had to do this though. It would protect both their careers. Surely that was more important than her burgeoning feelings for the young woman. A small amount of heartache was preferable to having to unpick something far more dangerous and elicit. It didn't matter that nothing had actually happened between them. Patsy knew it was only a matter of time, if she allowed things to continue as they were. The tall nurse also knew that she was taking the cowardly option. She should really have told Delia about the conversation she had with Millicent. Unfortunately, Patsy was certain that if she did that, there would be no option but to confront their feelings and she still wasn't ready for that.
Patsy exhaled a lungful of smoke with a loud sigh. She had swapped for an early today, and had briefly seen Delia at changeover, acknowledging her presence and handing over professionally as they were both being supervised. Patsy had excused herself away as soon as possible, knowing that Delia was watching her with a confused and hurt expression.
The trouble was, as the days went on, Patsy was beginning to doubt her strategy. She missed Delia dreadfully, and knowing that it was self-inflicted made it all the harder to bear. Was her career more important than a possible relationship with Delia? Couldn't she have both if they were careful and planned properly? There was no point speculating on what ifs, however. They still hadn't actually acknowledged their feelings for each other. At this rate, Patsy wasn't sure they ever would.
She was interrupted from her musings by a tentative knocking at the door. Patsy took a quick glance at her bedside clock and realised that the late shift had finished. "Come in."
Delia opened the door and closed it behind her before taking a seat at Patsy's desk. She had taken the time to get changed and was wearing a simple grey pencil skirt and yellow button down blouse. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?" She asked, ignoring the usual social pleasantries.
Patsy resisted the reflexive need to deny that she was doing anything differently. Delia had shown unwavering loyalty and support to her. Patsy owed her some honesty in return. "I'm sorry Deels. I had a bit of a disturbing conversation with Millicent James a few days ago."
Delia frowned, clearly not expecting that. "What did that spiteful cat want?" The Welsh woman didn't trust her at all; she seemed to have a negative opinion on everyone, even inferring once that Patsy was too snobbish to be friends with. Delia had dismissed her sniping out of hand and told her not to bother her again with gossip.
Patsy paused as she stubbed her cigarette out. "She said that there's been some gossip about our friendship."
"Probably initiated by her," Delia interjected, before frowning at her words. "What gossip?"
Patsy sighed. "People are saying we're close."
Delia shrugged. "We are," she agreed, unable to see the problem.
Patsy tried again. "Too close?" She saw Delia's jaw tighten.
"It's none of their business," she retorted in a slightly strangled voice.
"You're right. But rumours can be..." Patsy paused as she lit another cigarette; she was certainly in the mood to chain-smoke this evening. "Damaging?" She suggested, exhaling heavily.
"Patsy, we're friends. Nothing more." Delia couldn't quite help a slight crack in her voice. This was not how she imagined a conversation about their feelings going.
"I know that Delia. But if people are talking..."
"So what? It's got nothing to do with them." Delia was angry now that other people were interfering.
"It does if rumours end up back with the Training School. There could be repercussions."
"What repercussions? What have we done?"
"Nothing," Patsy agreed. "But it doesn't stop the speculation. Millicent commented that you haven't even had a boyfriend."
Delia laughed bitterly. "Well, other than the fact we're not supposed to be fraternising with any of the doctors, it's none of their business."
"I did say that," Patsy admitted softly.
"But you changed shifts anyway," Delia pointed out.
"I don't want to be the subject of other people's gossip," Patsy responded defensively.
Delia shook her head and then exhaled heavily. "Alright. I can sort of understand what you've done. But why didn't you tell me? Why did you leave me to think that I'd done something to upset you?"
"You haven't done anything wrong," Patsy objected. "I just started and didn't really think about the effects of my actions until later. And then I didn't know how to bring it up."
"Why ever not?"
Patsy looked meaningfully at Delia but didn't say anything.
Delia returned the look steadily before breaking away and staring at her hands. "Patsy, I'm not interested in having a boyfriend," she admitted in a whisper.
"I know." Patsy's voice was equally quiet, and hoarse with emotion.
Delia's head shot up and she looked back at the older woman. "And?" She asked finally.
Delia saw Patsy shut her eyes, and felt her heart sink, already anticipating the answer.
"We can't, Delia. It's too big a risk. We'd lose our jobs and careers before they even started."
"Isn't that for me to decide too?" She protested weakly.
"We have to use our heads, not our hearts, Deels." Patsy looked distraught but determined, now that she had voiced her decision. If she was honest with herself, she hadn't been quite sure until she said the words which way she was going to go. But it had to be the right decision, didn't it?
"When did you decide this?" Delia asked, her voice betraying her emotions. Her face was a blank mask.
"When I realised that we were the subject of gossip. Please understand Deels. Perhaps once we've qualified and are posted..."
"Stop, Pats," Delia interrupted, holding up a hand. "I... I need to get used to this. I need a bit of time." She stood up suddenly. "I need to... Sorry," she couldn't finish the sentence and dashed hurriedly from the room, allowing it to slam as she left.
To be continued...