The Murky Depths
Chapter 11
"I won't take no for an answer. Sit down."
The last sentence echoed inside Amanda's brain over and over but listening to Liv's voice she heard Patton's instead. His low and raspy rumbled tone rang in her ears and her body began to shake. All she could see, hear and feel was Patton and the three men in the bank laughing, touching, hitting and groping at her like she was a fresh piece of meat to a flock of starving wolves.
"You know me by now, Amanda. I won't take no for a answer."
Patton's voice repeatedly rang in her ears and she slammed her hands over them to stop his husky tone from penetrating her eardrums. "Stop!" she whispered, rocking back and forth, eyes tightly shut as she pleaded with the voice in her head to go away. "Don't say that, don't say that, don't say that, don't..."
"Amanda, honey, it's okay. It's okay, sweetheart."
Liv's soft and comforting tune suddenly pushed the other voices to the side leaving only Olivia's velvety melody in the gloomy lit room and the brunette then knew, that her choice of words were not appropriate right now.
The blonde was frozen to the ground, hands still covering her ears and her face scrunched up in pain and fear. Then, she began to claw at her body, trying desperate to cover her body with the towel, feeling so exposed and ashamed for showing too much skin, thinking she was gonna get into trouble for it. Whimpering, she clutched at the damp material when it suddenly came loose and fell to the ground. She screamed in horror, dropped to the floor on top of the fluffy garment, curled into a foetal position and cried.
Olivia felt her own chest tighten at the sight before her and she couldn't stop her tears from running down her cheeks. Amanda was clearly in pain, both physical and emotional and all Liv wanted to do was to wrap her up in a warm thick blanket, hold her so tight against her own body, offering warmth, love and compassion to her hurting friend. Frannie let out a pitiful bark, whimpered a couple of times before joining Amanda on the floor, scratching her paw softly over her bare arm.
Liv gently shooed her away, pulled the covers off the bed and tenderly draped it across the small quivering form. "Shhh, my love, you're safe here. It's me, Olivia! I'm not going to hurt you, honey. I'm here to help you." she pleaded softly, wanting nothing more than for Amanda to believe her words. "Please, can I touch you? I promise not to hurt you, sweetheart. I want to make sure you're okay. Can I do that?"
Her arms were already outstretched, as if she was waiting for the blonde to suddenly leap into her embrace and just let everything out, but the younger woman didn't move, didn't utter a word.
"Amanda?" she tried again. "Amanda, I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder. If you don't want me to, just say the word, okay?" slowly she reached out, lowered her hand down towards a bony shoulder and let out a sigh of relief as her friend didn't pull away or try to escape due to the contact.
Not caring about what was appropriate or not in this situation, Olivia scooped the trembling blonde into her arms, with great effort, stood up and carried her to the bed. As she sat down she could feel Amanda starting to fuss and fight inside the embrace and Liv loosened up a bit, not wanting to scare her further by holding her too tight. "Shh, it's okay, I'm not hurting you, I'm not forcing you to do anything you don't want to, sweetheart but I'm worried. Can you look at me, honey?"
Amanda was safely tucked inside the warm covers and realized she was sprawled out in Liv's lap, her boss holding her like a baby, rocking from side to side to sooth the storm. She was too embarrassed to look the brunette in the eye and kept her head down, avoiding any contact. "Honey, please, look at me." she pleaded once more but when Amanda didn't seem to comply, she tilted the blonde head up by cupping her face with her free hand. "Hey, sweetheart, open your eyes, it's okay."
The blonde shook in her embrace, so close to breaking point that if she opened her eyes and looked into Olivia's gentle and caring ones, she was afraid she would lose control completely.
Her boss sensed that that was the case and surprised them both by placing a gentle kiss on her forehead and one on her cheek. "It's okay to open your eyes, sweetheart. I just want to make sure you're here with me and not back in that awful place. You don't have to be so strong all the time, Amanda. It's okay to break down and cry once in a while. You're only human, sweetie, and no one is going to blame you for that."
Tears had seeped through Amanda's closed eyes and Liv did her best to catch every single droplet that fell but as the blonde's face crumbled and the floodgates opened she had no chance in wiping them all away. The younger detective let out a painful wail and stopped fighting what was indeed inevitable and cried deeply and violently, hands clutching her stomach and ribs as the heartbreaking sounds filled the room and Olivia's own heart. The strong sergeant adjusted the weight in her arms and somehow she managed to get the blonde to lie down, promising to stay close by through it all. "It's okay, my love. Just let it all go now, it's okay to do so." she whispered as she stroked the flushed face resting on a pillow.
"Do... don't... don't go... don't leave. Please!" Amanda sobbed, trying to catch her breath between each and every one, the pain making it near impossible to take a lung ful of air.
Olivia placed a hand on her heaving chest, trying to help her steady her breathing. "Shh, easy, I'm not going anywhere, honey, but you need to slow down your breathing, you're only making things worse, sweetie. Please, just listen to my voice." Liv urged, smoothing blonde tresses away from a clammy forehead while the palm of her other hand felt every single rapid heartbeat underneath it, thumping, pounding and hammering like a big bass drum.
"Ca... can't... breathe... hurts... oh god, it... hurts." as Amanda laid there, tossing and turning in agony, Liv quickly ran to the kitchen to get some water and the pain meds, hoping the blonde wouldn't notice her absence. When she returned Amanda had managed to kick the covers off and the towel that was wrapped around her body was barely covering her most intimate parts.
"I need you to swallow these, honey. Come on, I know it hurts but the sooner you get the drugs into your system, the sooner you'll be able to control the pain."
With great effort, the sobbing woman downed two small tablets before collapsing onto the pillows bellow, still gasping for air, clutching and clawing at her torso, wheezing. "Can't... breathe... help... me... help!"
Olivia could see the pain, the fear, the desperation and the sheer panic in her blue teary eyes and she felt so helpless, so useless and inadequate. It was obvious to the brunette that her collegue and friend must've had a rough time in the past to make her deal with things the way she did. Cutting was clearly a necessity in Amanda's world and she didn't know how to cope without it. Working with SVU for so many years, Olivia knew that no matter how hard you tried to not let the past catch up with you, it always did in the end. Years of suppressed and ignored emotions had been bottled up, then shaken and the cap had come loose, causing everything to bubble over, spewing everywhere out of control and the cap was nowhere to be found.
Amanda was that bottle. She had lost the cap and she had lost control and everything inside that bottle came gushing out like a tap on full flow. Olivia could see it. She could see it all in the pale blue eyes as the younger woman stared at her with a pleading and desperate look full of dread and hurt. There was nothing else she could do for Amanda right now, except for being there by her side, reassuring her, talking to her, telling her that everything would be okay and this will all eventually pass.
Not knowing what to do, Olivia pulled the covers back up over her body to spare her further embarrassment but Amanda kicked them off again, still struggling with her breathing. "No covers... can't breathe." she rasped out and Liv realized then that Amanda must feel as though the blankets were suffocating her, weighing her down and restricting her air passages.
"Okay, okay, my love! No covers, I promise." Olivia tenderly soothed as she tried not to look at the mutilated body beneath her on the bed. Even with all the scars, marks and cuts, old and fresh, she was still breathtakingly stunning. Her skin was still smooth to the touch, her body was toned, slightly underweight, but still well built and looked after. She knew Amanda was a runner and she sure had the body of one. All her muscles were perfectly defined, sculpt and shaped from all the early morning workouts in the park with Frannie. Her detective had suffered for so long without any help, without anybody by her side, except for her beloved pet, but Olivia was about to change all of that, she was going to be there, every step of the way to make sure that the lost soul lying next to her would get all the help that she needed. She promised herself to make that change, whether Amanda liked it or not. This was a turning point for both of them.
"What can do to make you feel better? Is there anything that I can do to make you more comfortable, honey? Anything at all?" she caught some of the tears as they fell but realized that there was no use considering the steady flow.
Amanda bit her lower lip to stiffle her screams as the pain ripped through her badly bruised abdomen and ribs, almost drawing blood. Liv brushed her thumb gently over her pink lips, making her release the strong bite. "Hey, stop that, you're gonna hurt yourself. We don't want any more trips to the ER, okay?" she smiled down at her collegue and whispered tenderly, "shhh, what can do for you, honey?"
The crying woman shook her head. "I... I'm... fine. I'll be... fine."
"I know that, honey. I know you're gonna be fine but you're not fine right this moment, Amanda. You're not fine, so I'm gonna ask you once again, what can I do for you right now, in this moment, right here and now? Tell me!"
What Amanda wanted and needed was not an option. Growing up, even as a small toddler, she had no memory of being held or comforted by her parents or anyone else for that matter. She had never experienced the feeling of warmth and safety inside someone's arms before and she needed it, she needed it right now, but she was too afraid to give in to the strong urge, too afraid to say the words out loud, too afraid to beg for something she never had or felt. She couldn't say it, couldn't say the words so instead she shut her eyes tightly and turned her head to the side, away from Olivia.
"Honey," Liv's voice broke through her pitiful cries, "when you were little and had hurt yourself, what did you mom or dad do to make you feel better? To make you feel safe?" by getting Amanda to talk she thought she could offer the blonde some reassurance by perhaps doing something that was familiar to her but she only received another head shake.
Liv didn't know that she had just asked something that Amanda didn't have an answer for because she had never received that kind of attention before. She hated what she was feeling right now. So weak and vulnerable, exposed and raw. She just wanted the ground to swallow her whole and disappear and not come back until everything was normal again but she knew that things would never be or feel that way ever again. Things were too messed up, she was too messed up.
Brown eyes searched for blue but Amanda still refused to look at her. Something inside Olivia's head told her that, the blonde young woman before her, had probably never experienced such a thing as a safe haven or a place where she could break down and cry and that made the older detective and sergeant very angry and sad. A child, any child, should have all the love, support and attention there was to give but that didn't seem to be the case when it came to Amanda. She was such a private person, never talked about her childhood, her personal life or her family, never really engaged in activities outside of work, unless she had no choice, and never asked her fellow detectives about their lifes outside of the precinct. Perhaps Amanda didn't want to ask, in fear that the same questions would be thrown back at her and she would have to bring up painful memories or difficult times that she'd rather just forget about.
It was very early in the morning, too early for any of them to not be sleeping but, yet, here they were, wide awake and all senses sharpened and magnified. This was not the way Olivia wanted things to turn out between them and she couldn't help but to feel like she had played a part in all of this by not seeing how hard Amanda had struggled. Maybe if she had seen how troubled she was then perhaps things wouldn't have ended this way or come this far. If she had only paid more attention to her young detective when she was troubled or in a bad place then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Of course, she was being irrational but a part of her still felt guilty for not seeing Amanda going down a destructive path sooner. She should've known.
As her long slender fingers caressed Amanda's flushed and painfilled face, she was relieved to see that the blonde could now breathe a bit easier, her short and rapid breaths were no longer as strained and laboured.
Olivia was still in her clothes and there was no way in hell she was going to leave her friend when she was so upset and hurting. Looking around the room she spotted a big dresser where she assumed Amanda kept her pyjamas in. "Sweetie, I'm gonna find you something to wear, okay. I'll be right back."
Rummaging through the top drawer she found two sets of pyjamas, removed her work pants and pulled a pair of warm cotton bottoms on but decided to sleep in her blouse since the top would be too small for her anyway. She also pulled out a pair of panties for Amanda and approached the bed. "Honey, do you need help getting dressed?"
The pain had eased up slightly but not enough for Amanda to be able to sit up so she had no choice but to try and pull the clothes on while she was lying down. Liv made herself scarce by tending to her needs in the bathroom and when she entered the room again, she could see the blonde struggle with the top, not being able to raise her arms that high to slide them through the sleeves.
"Let me help you with that." Liv carefully helped Amanda to ease the sleeping shirt over her head and, somehow with great effort from them both, they managed to get her arms into it and the brunette gently adjusted it at the bottom, making sure it was on properly and comfortably.
"Th... thanks." Amanda responded weakly, tired from the pain and the effort of just putting her top on. The embarrassment she felt from Liv seeing her practically naked crept over her again and she blushed furiously, relieved that the room was too dark for her boss to notice.
Olivia smiled down at her and couldn't stop her hand from reaching out to caress a soft warm cheek. "It's okay." she whispered tenderly. "Does Frannie usually sleep in the bed with you?"
The teary eyed blonde nodded silently, feeling her bottom lip tremble at the thought of Olivia leaving. She didn't want to be alone. She was scared, tired, weak, emotional and lonely and the thought of being left on her own was not something she was looking forward to. However, Olivia seemed to sense her distress.
"Do you think she would mind an awful lot if I took her place for the night?"
Relief flooded Amanda's senses when she heard Olivia's request of sleeping next to her but she was also afraid to be so physically close to her boss for such a long length of time, even though they would be sleeping. "You'll have to ask her yourself." she finally found her courage to speak and she threw a glance towards Frannie who had, just a little while ago, curled up on the bed just next to her.
Liv walked around the bed, stroked the dog's soft fur soothingly. "Frannie, could I please take your place next to your mommy? I believe I'm a bit too tall to lie in your bed."
The dog perked her head up, looked at her with her dark shiny eyes, blinking a few times before she rose to her feet, walked down to the foot of the bed and heavily plunked herself down with a sigh. It was like she understood what Olivia had said and obediently did as she was told but she was not going to sleep in her own doggy bed
Carefully, the tall brunette slid underneath the covers and left about a foot length of space between them. Amanda layed on her back, staring at the ceiling, eyes getting heavy and almost impossible to keep open. The meds were kicking in.