The Murky Depths
Chapter 12
I've been on a roll for the past couple of days so don't get use to the quick updates ;)
I also want to say thank you for all the nice reviews I have received. It means more than you think.
The morning came way too quickly for Liv. She was exhausted from spending most of the night awake, watching over her troubled friend while she slept. However, she didn't mind the tiredness itself, if her friend needed her she would do anything to help and she was just glad and relieved that she was there when things fell apart. There had been no more nightmares that night, just a few twitches, tossing and turning on the blonde's side but nothing alarming and she had eventually settled down after Liv's soothing touches and voice, telling her that she was safe.
Olivia was a bit disappointed that they hadn't talked. She had been determined to make Amanda open up last night and tell her something, anything, about how she had ended up in this kind of vicious circle of cutting and shutting everybody out who tried to help her. As soon as the blonde seemed willing to share she would immediately shut down again, trying to convince herself and Liv that she was fine. It was like pulling teeth and Liv was sick of it but at the same time she had to respect Amanda's privacy and not push too hard but, after her breakdown, she couldn't force or make her talk. Amanda was in no stable state of mind to talk about anything, especially not her secrets, thoughts, feelings or her disruptive behavior. It was simply not the right time.
She looked down at the still sleeping blonde and couldn't help but to smile as she spotted the blonde tresses sticking out in various directions, knotted and matted from going to bed with wet hair. Liv had done the same mistake herself, several times, and knew how difficult it was going to be to brush it all out. She ran her hand down a smooth sleep flushed cheek and let her touch linger until blue confused and tired eyes looked straight at her.
"Morning, sleepy head. It's still early so go back to sleep. I have to get to work but I'll pop in on my lunch break and I'll text you throughout the day to see how you're getting on, okay?"
Amanda blinked and became aware of the warm hand resting on the side of her face, penetrating all her senses at once. "I... I'm okay. You don't have to... check up on me. Work comes first."
Olivia gave her a sad smile. "No, honey, you're my priority, you come first and if you want me to stay I will, just say the word."
Shaking her head, Amanda tried to sit up a bit but was stopped by Liv's gentle hand, telling her to stay put. "I don't want to be your priority, sarge. It's okay, go to work, you're the boss you have to be there."
Liv chuckled. "Being the boss I can take a day, Amanda. What's the worse that can happen? The boss firing me?" she winked, grinned and was happy to see a faint smile on her friends sleepy features. "Like it or not, Amanda. You're my priority and if you need me I'm just a phone call away and I'll come straight over."
Amanda was about to argue but when she saw Olivia's concerned and caring gaze, she couldn't get a word out and responded by just a simple nod.
Up until lunch time, Olivia had sent two text messages asking if everything was okay and Amanda replied with short answers saying that she was fine. Knowing that the blonde wasn't a very chatty person in general, she tried not to worry too much about the inexplicable texts she received back. Liv brought lunch over to Amanda's but she did most of the eating herself since the blonde insisted on that she had already eaten earlier on but since there were no dishes in the sink and not one single crumb on the kitchen counter, she knew the younger woman was lying but decided to let it slide for now.
The day had turned out to be longer than expected for Liv and she let out a tired sigh as she climbed the last step on the stairs leading up to Amanda's apartment and knocked on the door. Nothing. No answer. She tried again but came up with the same results. Placing her ear against the wooden surface, she listen but couldn't hear anything except for her own breath and heartbeat. Not even Frannie's bark or claws against the floor from the inside could be heard.
Worriedly, she pulled out her phone from her pocket and was just about the call the woman when she heard the main door open from the bottom of the building and she waited, thinking it could be Amanda. When she heard the jiggling of Frannie's collar she knew for certain and the blonde appeared from around the bend where the staircase ended, looking absolutely exhausted and in so much pain she was close to tears. "Amanda!" Liv chocked out and rushed forward to offer the staggering blonde some support. "What were you thinking? You could've hurt yourself, honey. Why didn't you wait for me or call me?"
They made it inside and Amanda flopped herself down on the couch, hissing in pain and her whole body tense as an iron rod. "My dog, my responsibility. Besides, you don't live here so why was I suppose to wait. I'm fine, just tired." she insisted, looking at her four legged pet who was lapping at the water in her bowl, clenching her thirst.
Liv quickly brought her a glass of water and some pain relievers, wincing in sympathy as she spotted the agonizing expression playing across the tired blonde's features. "Amanda, this has got to stop. I know I don't live here, honey, and I know that Frannie is your responsibility but that doesn't mean that it's wrong or unacceptable to ask for help when, or if, you need it. I wish you could see that and I wish that you weren't so damn stubborn all the time and shutting people out."
Amanda downed the pills in one big gulp and began to feel her insides boiling from anger. She almost slammed the glass back down onto the table, causing both Olivia and Frannie to flinch. "I never asked for your help so I don't know what you're doing here or why. I shut people out because it's the only way I know how to deal. I didn't have loving or caring parents, didn't have family or friends. I'm fine on my own, sarge, and I'm sorry about last night, that won't happen again, I was totally out of line and it was very unprofessional of me." she took a breath, slowly calming herself down. "I think it would be better if you leave now, sarge."
Truth to be told, Olivia's temper was running out and she didn't know any other way to make Amanda trust her. While the smaller woman was seated on the couch, Olivia started to pace back and forth in the living room area, almost making the blonde dizzy. "Amanda, when are you going to realize that there are people who care about you and cares what happens to you and I'm one of those people. I am so sorry that your parents weren't there for you, you didn't deserve that, no child does, but you have us now, Amanda, you have us and you have me and I'm, we, are not going anywhere. You're not alone anymore, honey. You don't have to deal with this on your own. Please, I'm begging you, please let me help you."
There was a silence so strong it began to ring in Amanda's ears. Looking at her superior she could see tears in her deep brown eyes and, somehow, it tugged at her heart to see her boss upset. "Im sorry." she mumbled, too insecure and ashamed to establish any kind of visual contact.
Liv took a deep breath to calm herself, slowly approached the seated blonde and sat down close to her, legs touching. The brunette began to speak with a soft and loving voice. "I've been doing this job for a long time, Amanda, and I'm not saying that in a patronizing way. I've seen all kinds of trauma, erratic behaviors and different ways people deal and cope with whatever they have gone through. Nothing shocks me. Nothing. I've practically seen it all and what you're going through breaks my heart." her bottom lip trembled as a lone tear rolled down her tanned cheek. "It breaks my heart that you feel like you can't trust people, trust me. I care about you, honey, more than you think and I'm not gonna stand by and watch you destroy yourself. You deserve better than that."
Amanda finally gathered enough courage to meet Olivia's stare just as another tear travelled down the same path as the previous one. She felt horrible for making her boss cry and shakily lifte her hand up to wipe the tear away. "I'm sorry I made you cry. I didn't mean to."
Liv just smiled and leaned into the touch, cupping Amanda's face between her palms. "You didn't make me cry, sweetheart. I'm crying because I have this need, this strong pull, to help you and you won't let me. I know it's hard for you to open up and talk about your feelings and thoughts. From your very first week at SVU I could tell that you were, and still are, a private person and I respect that, I really do. But it eventually comes to a point when eveything just breaks apart and chaos erupts and I think we're at that point. You need to talk, Amanda. If not to me, then someone else, someone that you trust. Maybe Fin or Carisi or even a proffesional but you also have me. You can always, and I mean always, talk to me about anything."
Their faces were so close they could feel each other's breaths spread over their faces, eyes locked together, lips only inches apart. Suddenly something occurred to Olivia, an epiphany, so strong it made her chest ache with love and care for this woman sitting in front of her. She loved Amanda. She felt deeply for her, her beauty was undeniable, her role as a detective was immaculate, even though she had made some bad decisions throughout the years but her strength and dedication for her job was extremely admirable, even attractively so.
"I'm gay." Amanda suddenly stated, out of the blue.
Liv raised her eyebrows and couldn't stop a slight grin from spreading across her lips. "Okay." she said softly, her hands were still wrapped tenderly around her face, thumbs stroking lightly over delicate skin. "Is that what this is all about? Did you think we were gonna think differently about you for being gay?" she was confused. She didn't understand why being gay had to do with what Amanda had gone through inside the bank and with what her privious superior officer, Patton, had made her endorse down in Atlanta. It made no sense.
"No..." she quickly replied. "Yes... I don't know. I... I don't know why I just said that, I'm sorry, I'm... I'm not thinking clearly." she was confused herself and in shock about what she had just said. "I guess I'm just... not myself... I... I..."
"It's okay." Liv gently interrupted. "Do you know what I think? I think you're more yourself right now, in this moment, then what you have been for the past couple of years. What do you think?" she smiled gently at her friend, trying to encourage and relax her.
Amanda shrugged and swallowed nervously. "Maybe." she stated softly, her voice only a whisper.
Olivia dropped her hands but immediately missed the contact and the physical proximity. "Why didn't you tell anyone of us, honey? Are you ashamed of being gay?" Liv took a gentle hold of Amanda's hands that were resting nervously in her lap.
The blonde shrugged again and looked down at their joined hands, feeling the warmth and softness coming from the sergeant's skin. "I... I know that it's no big deal to be... to be... gay. I mean, we often get cases that involves gay people, it's just... I suppose it's different when it comes to yourself."
There was suddenly a lost little girl sitting in front of Olivia. A little girl who never had the chance to be herself, to be the person she wanted to be and never had the opportunity to trust or be trusted. Ducking her head to establish eye contact, Liv asked softly. "Your parents didn't support you being gay, did they?" she received a head shake and a faint sniffle, knowing Amanda was close to tears. "What about before you came out? Were they supportive in general?" there was another shake and Liv heard her sniffle once more, stronger this time and her body began to tremble from fighting the sobs that she desperately tried to hold back. "And that's why you started to hurt yourself?" the last sentence was more of a statement than a question.
Bobbing her head up and down the tears finally escaped and there was no going back. A deep and hurtful wail, that sounded more like a wounded animal, tore through the quiet apartment, feeling a strong need to have Olivia's secure arms around her, showering her with care and reassurance.
Olivia sat back in the big couch, making herself comfortable before opening her arms to Amanda as a gesture of comfort and care. "Come here, honey."
The blonde looked at the older woman, her vision blurry and cloudy from the burning tears. Her chest tightened as she saw the loving exprssion on Olivia's face, her brown orbs shimmering from unshed tears and her whole being seemed to radiate compassion, warmt and immense love and Amanda found herself being pulled in her direction, as if she was gravitating towards the stunning brunette. She wanted to be held, needed to be held, soothed and comforted and Olivia was offering all that. She would be a fool not to crawl into the widespread arms and inhale everything about this incredible woman.
Liv could sense her hesitation and fear of being so physically close to someone, anyone, but she didn't rush, didn't push and didn't force. "It's okay, honey, I promise. Just let me hold you for awhile and we'll see how it goes, okay? You can pull away any time you want. Anytime. Just let me do this for you."
Slowly, Amanda inched closer, feeling a strong arm being softly placed around her shoulder as another hand guided her blonde head onto her chest. "Just relax. It's okay." she gently spoke into the fair tresses. "Everything is okay."
The strong and steady thumping of Olivia's heart had an unusually calming effect on the blonde and she relaxed slightly into the embrace. Her guard was still up, unable to lay her armour down and surrender to something she wasn't sure of but, as the seconds turned to a minute, her body slowly sank into the protective cocoon that Olivia so willingly offered. Silence crept upon them as the darkness fell over the buzzing city full of life and all Olivia could do was to feel grateful and so honoured and so proud over her friend for trying to overcome her fears and hurdles.
"You parents never did this? They never made you feel safe and protected?" the older woman asked after a couple of minutes, hoping that Amanda was not too spooked about their close proximity. There was no verbal response, just a weak shake of the blonde head that was resting underneath her chin and her chest clenched tightly at the thought of Amanda, as a little girl, crying from fear or pain and no one there to console or comfort her.
"I'm so sorry that they didn't care enough, Amanda. I'm so so sorry, but I'm here, you've got me and the squad and every time you feel like you need this," she waved a hand in the air between them, pointing at herself then Amanda, "just let me know. There is no shame in needing a hug now and then, it gives us strength and courage, a place where we can relax and recharge our battery before facing the world again."
It made sense. Everything that Olivia had just said made sense but it was still difficult for the petite blonde to comply and just lose all her defenses like it was no big deal. Her heart was racing, even though she knew Olivia would never hurt her or break her trust but the thought of telling the brunette about the cutting, coming out and the way her parents had disowned her and kicked her out, made her feel unsettled and slightly nauseated.
"You doing okay, honey?" Liv lowered her head so she had visual of Amanda's sleepy features and placed her palm in the middle of her chest, wincing in sympathy as she felt the erratic beats beneath the surface. "Oh, your heart is pounding, sweetheart." she murmured and began to rub her back in a soothing motion. "It's just you and me here... and Frannie, of course. No one is going to hurt you, you're safe. Do you understand, sweetie? You are safe. You're safe, loved and protected."
"How... how can you... say you lo... love me after everything I've done. All the... the mistakes I've made, all the..."
"Shh, sweetheart, don't think about that. That is all in the past, forgiven and forgotten on my part and I hope you can forgive yourself, Amanda, that is the most important thing of all. You have to forgive yourself before you can move on and begin to heal. Can you say it with me? 'I forgive myself because I deserve to be happy.' Come on, you can do it."
Amanda shook her head and let out an involuntary whimper but Olivia pulled her closer and gave the golden tresses a tender kiss. "Yes, you can, sweetie, yes you can. Come on, we'll say it together. 'I forgive myself because I deserve to be happy.' I know you can do this, Amanda. I believe in you."
The blonde swallowed at the big lump forming in her throat, uncertain if her voice would hold. Eventually she opened her mouth, took a deep breath and, as she closed her eyes, she stuttered out, word by word, exactly what Olivia had told her to say and together they found strength in each other and repeated the sentence in unison. "I forgive myself because I deserve to be happy."
Amanda broke into tears after that. Clinging to Olivia like her life depended on it, scared, hurt but also somewhat relieved after saying something so powerful out loud to herself. She was glad the meds had kicked in because crying made the pain almost unbearable.
In Olivia's arms she felt safe. Safe and cared for, like she mattered.