The Murky Depths
Chapter 13
Liv decided to stay the night again. After her lunch break, earlier in the day, she had picked up a few things from her place just in case she would need them and it looked like she had been right. Amanda had cried herself to sleep, the heartbreaking sobs, the desperate gasps for air and the pitiful sniffles that followed before she had eventually slipped into an exhausted but light slumber. For a whole hour, Liv held her close, whispering words of comfort and reassurance every time the blonde flinched or moaned in her sleep.
As she listened to the soft snores she leaned forward, letting her nose caress the smooth hair and inhaled the scent of fruit and flowers, a smile slowly spreading across her lips as a particular strong snore escapes Amanda's throat. Frannie perked her head up at the sudden noise, looking at Liv as if she was asking what had disturbed her beauty sleep.
The tall brunette stiffled a yawn and looked at the time. It was only ten pm but she was unusually tired from the strenuous day at the precinct and wouldn't mind making it an early night and turn in. She gently brushed at the golden hair that had fallen onto Amanda's face and whispered in a nearby ear. "Honey? Sweetheart, it's time to wake up and head to bed. Come on, I'll help you."
Groaning, the young blonde opened her eyes and the thought of leaving Olivia's warm and safe embrace made her feel anxious and sick to her stomach. "Mmm, too sleepy." she murmured but carefully sat up anyway, the warmth from Olivia's body made it so difficult to separate herself from her but knew that this couldn't last forever.
It suddenly occurred to Amanda that Liv would soon be leaving. She had her own apartment to go home to, her own life, her own bed and her own things to take care of. Shakily, she stood up, the pain was there but it was tolerable but she was quite unsteady on her feet and felt relieved when Olivia's firm hand offered her support. "Thanks," Amanda said, feeling slightly ashamed over her breakdown, "um, I know you're tired and you need your sleep so um..., thanks for coming over."
Raising her eyebrows in confusion, Liv placed a hand on Amanda's lower arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I wasn't planning on leaving. I brought an overnight bag just in case and, before you get mad, I just want to tell you that I'm not trying to babysit you or patronize you, I'm simply worried about you, honey and I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone. Please, humor me."
To be honest, Amanda was extremely relieved by Olivia's announcement but didn't want to let it show so instead of getting angry and eat the head off her boss, like she normally would, she simply nodded and let her gaze travel down to where Olivia's hand was resting on her arm. "Okay, um... thank you." she mumbled. "Um, if you want I can take the couch and you..."
The brunette cut her off. "No way, missy! Not with your bad ribs and stomach. I'll take the couch and that's the end of it."
Inside her bedroom, Amanda was suddenly wide awake. Her mind was racing, hearth beating madly and she began to sweat and fight for air every time she heard a noise. She knew Liv was in the living room and was probably making noise as she tossed and turned on the sofa but still her senses didn't seem to relax and try to convince her that there was a logical explanation for them. The cars and people out on the streets bellow made it even harder for her to relax, the honking, screetching tyres, screaming and shouting made her flinch from fear and her body began to shake.
She laid on her back, eyes flickering in every direction of the room, every corner, every nook and cranny and every shadow that danced across the walls. She had never been so afraid in her own home before, never been so jumpy and on edge and all she wanted, all she needed, was to feel the way she had felt inside her sergeant's arms a little while ago. She needed Olivia but she would never willingly admit to her boss that she craved her proximity, craved her safe embrace and her intoxicating smell, warmth and care. She would never do that, that would make her give in to weakness and admit defeat, crawl on her bare knees, sobbing and begging Liv to hold her, to make her feel safe again and to talk her down from the terror that was creating chaos inside her head.
She began to cry, silently at first but the sheer panic and horror of being alone right now caused the faint sniffles to escalate and eventually turn into full blown sobs. Burrowing her face into her pillow, she desperately tried to stop the cries from travelling all the way into where Olivia was sleeping but it became too hard to breathe and she had no other choice but to remove herself and try to just ride it out while attempting to calm down.
Olivia had fallen asleep almost instantly. The long day at the preinct had tired her out and her eyes simply refused to remain open. She stirred underneath the blankets, not sure what had caused her to awaken in the first place. Groggily, she let her gaze swipe across the dark room, trying to locate the source of whatever had interrupted her slumber. There was nohing inside the room to indicate that anything was out of the ordinary until she heard a faint noise coming from down the corridor where Amanda's bedroom was and she was instantly on her feet. Out of instinct she checked the clock on the wall and realized that she had only been asleep for about an hour. As fast as her legs could carry her, inside the unfamiliar dark apartment, she rushed into the bedroom and spotted Amanda's curled up form under the covers, shaking from the powerful sobs and cries that came in a steady flow. "Amanda?" she softly called out and took a few tentative steps towards the bed. "Amanda, honey? You okay?"
The blonde went completely still, not even a breath escaped, afraid that she would have another breakdown in front of her boss. One breakdown was enough for one day, she thought and forced herself not to cry. "I'm okay." she choked out, sqeezing her eyes shut, hoping that Liv would leave it alone and go back to sleep. That's when she felt the bed dip right next to her and the addictive aroma of Olivia assaulted her nostrils and she instantly craved for more.
"No, you're not, honey. How long have you been lying here, crying?" she began to rub her hand up and down Amanda's arm, determined to sooth and comfort her in any way she could. There was no answer coming from the upset blonde. All Olivia could see, hear and feel was how tense and rigid she was, her body trembling from the effort from holding the tears at bay. "Shhh, it's okay, my love. You're safe here with me." she whispered and brushed flaxen strands away from her tear stained face. "Scoot over." Olivia softly demanded and crawled in under the covers as Amanda shifted slightly, leaving enough room for the older woman to climb in and get comfortable.
"Is this okay?" she asked after a minute or two, needing to know if she made Amanda feel awkward or uneasy by being in the same bed.
"Y... yes." came the shaky reply, the dam still threatening to break any second.
They weren't touching. Their bodies were a few inches apart from each other but Amanda could still feel the heat coming from her sergeant and smell the intoxicating scent of vanilla, sandalwood and a mix of various spices that Amanda couldn't identify. Maybe spices were the wrong word. Maybe it was something else, something that reminded her of spices. It didn't matter because as soon as the familiar scent travelled up her nostrils and nasal cavity, the tears finally let loose and there was no going back.
The small frame shook violently as she tried to regain control of her sudden panic ridden state but it seemed like there was no use. The intensive cries and sobs shattered Olivia's heart and she could no longer just lie there and do nothing. Carefully she slipped an arm underneath Amanda's neck and the other around her middle, mindful about her injuries, and turned her towards herself, guiding her head to rest in the crook of her neck, feeling the salty drops wet her skin and shirt. "Shh, baby." the intimate pet name slipped before she could stop it but she figured that Amanda was too upset to even notice anyway.
"I'm right here. You're okay, honey, everything is okay. You're safe, you're warm, you're protected and I'll be right here by your side the entire time. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, sweetheart. I'll keep you safe, just close your eyes and try to sleep. You must be so tired, honey." she spoke firmly but soothingly, her own eyes stinging from exhaustion and brimming tears.
"I'm so... I'm sorry for... waking you up, I... I didn't mean to, I..."
"Hey, stop that, you have nothing to apologize for, honey." bringing her hand down she gently wiped each tear away as the fell from Amanda's bloodshot eyes. "How long have you been awake?"
Amanda cried silently into Olivia's soulder, ashamed of her second breakdown of the day. "I... I never went to sleep. I can't sleep... I can't close my eyes. Everytime I do I see them, see him, feeling him... touching me... hitting me... I can't... I just can't..."
"Okay, okay, easy honey." Liv hushed, leaned down and peppered small and gentle kisses on her forehead, not thinking too much about it, as if it was the most natural thing to do.
Stunned, but also pleasantly surprised by Liv's action, she moved her head up slightly until her eyes were at the same level as Olivia's lips and she felt a deep and strong urge, almost a burning desire, to kiss the woman. She didn't get a chance, however, before the delicious looking lips she had been staring at, were firmly pressed against her own and immediately her body began to tingle, her head spinning and her limbs turned to jelly as she felt the lips move slightly, tasting, exploring and comforting.
Her breath hitched as she felt Olivia's tongue caress her lower lip, asking, bleading for access and Amanda complied. As their tongues met for the first time Liv moaned and pulled the blonde closer, bringing her hand up to cup the younger woman's cheek, stroking the flushed but soft skin.
To Amanda it was everything she had ever dreamed of. She had fantasized about kissing ber boss on numerous occasions but never thought she'd be so lucky to actually experience it in real life. The real thing didn't do her dreams any justice. The brunette's mouth was so soft and plump and she could detect a slight taste of toothpaste and sweetness as they continued to kiss each other inside Amanda's dark bedroom. Eventually the blonde pulled away as if she had been caught doing something bad and was about to be punished for it.
"I... Im sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that... I... I..." she tried to pull away from the firm but tender embrace but found herself being tugged back and completely wrapped up around Olivia's body, feeling the heat and calm coming from the woman slowly seep into her own and she stopped struggling.
"Shh, honey. You didn't do anything wrong. Come back here. I kissed you and... and I don't regret it." again she kissed the forehead just bellow her chin. "I've come to realize that we are so much alike Amanda. Looking back I wish I could've done things differently, treated you differently, be more open to your ideas, listen to you and offer you a shoulder to cry on when I sensed that you were struggling at times. I wish I would've been there for you." she stated calmly with a hint of sadness. "In hindsight, I've come to understand why I acted that way around you and why I was so hard on you."
She paused briefly, taking a deep breath and once again kissed the smooth skin of the woman lying in her arms. "You actually reminded me so much of myself and it scared me." she chuckled lightly. "Don't ask me why because I have no idea but... it did scare me. You came in to the squad fresh faced, new ideas, new ways of thinking and new ways of looking at things differently, with a fresh set of eyes. I respected you and, thinking back I know now, that I was jealous. I was jealous of you for being so good at your job, so hands on with your new approaches and I pushed you away because of that. I didn't realize I was actually doing it until just a little while back. Fin kind of hinted that you had some sort of feelings towards me but I didn't think twice about it becase I just assumed that he meant admiration, kind of like a student/ teacher crush but I soon realized that I felt the same way about you. The only thing I'm sorry about is that it took me so long to finally realize it. I like you, Amanda, and I'm really truly sorry for treating you the way I did."
Listening to Olivia's confession made her whole body turn rigid with shock and surprise. She had not seen this coming. Was this actually happening? Had Olivia just kissed her? Told her that she liked her? That she was jealous of her? Never in her wildest dreams or imagination could she have predicted this. Her heart was pounding so fast and so loud she thought it was going to jump right out of her chest. Why now? Why had her boss decided that now was a good time to confess her feeling, her regrets and her thoughts? It was bad timing, she had enough going on and didn't need anything else added to her plate, but she still couldn't help but to feel relieved and somewhat at peace.
She knew Olivia was on her side, very close to her side if the truth were to be told, and she also knew that she wouldn't be able to go through all this alone or without her help. She needed Olivia to help her heal, to help her learn how to trust and she needed her presence more than anything. She always had a sense of calm and a positive light around her and Amanda had always been drawn to that light, to that peace and calmness that only Olivia could provide. She needed this. Needed her.
She began to cry from the relief and felt some of the tension and stress leave her body as the tears found their way down her cheeks and onto Liv's collarbone. The brunette lifted her head and peered down at the younger woman and her heart broke as she heard the strangled sobs. "Oh, sweetheart! My sweet sweet girl. I'm so sorry for everything and I wish I could make things better for you." she loosened her grip around the shaking form, scooted down a bit, so she was in eye level with the upset blonde, and brushed the fair locks away from her heated forehead. "Shh, why are you crying, baby? Can you tell me?" she gently urged as she continued to stroke Amanda's face with gentle fingers. "Tell me, sweetheart."
Amanda struggled to get the words out as sob after sob ripped through her chest in agonizing wails. "I... I... I'm sorry, I... I... I'm sor... sorry, I..."
"Easy, honey, take your time." she whispered as she watched the petite woman in her arms fight for control. "You have nothing to be sorry for so stop apologizing right now, sweetie."
Amanda opened her eyes that had previously been shut so tightly she had started to see colours sway across her retina. Looking into Olivia's brown eyes filled with so much concern and care for her made it even harder to say what she wanted to say because she didn't feel worthy of her friendship any longer, she didn't feel like she deserved someone like Olivia in her life, someone so kind hearted, understanding and so perfectly perfect in every single way shape and form.
The immensely strong feeling and pull she had towards her boss won over everything else and she desperately clung to the brunette's upper body, grasping at anything she could get a hold of and looked her dead in the eye. "I... I... I nee... need... you. I nee... d... you."
Liv found herself crying along with the blonde, their tears flowing together. None of them thought it would come to this. They were both just as shocked but yet relieved that it had ended this way and Olivia felt nothing but deep care, devotion and concern for the blonde. She was determined to help her in any way she could and as Liv did her best to console, Amanda eventually calmed down enough to get her breathing under control.
"That's it, sweetie, easy. You've got me, I'm not leaving." she whispered soothingly. "Oh, honey, you must be in pain after being so upset but I can't give you anything just yet, not until after a couple of hours, I'm sorry, sweetie. Im here and I'm not leaving and I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise. Just close your eyes and go to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up."