The Murky Depths

Chapter 15

The painkillers knocked her out pretty quickly. Soft snores escaped her slightly parted lips, her cheeks had regained their colour and were now flushed from their previous frozen state but her body still shivered from time to time, shaking involontary in her sleep. Frannie had placed herself right next to her slumbering owner, keeping a watchful eye and catching up on some sleep herself.

Liv checked on them now and then, making sure everything was okay. It felt good to have Amanda so close to her, inside her apartment, inside her home and she couldn't stop herself from lingering a bit longer in the doorway to just take in the beautiful sleepy features of her friend, a smile spreading across her lips as Amanda unconsciously threw an arm over Frannie and snuggled closer to her pet. She was almost jealous of the dog for being so affectionate and loving towards the blonde, wishing it was her that was holding her close, keeping her warm and safe but she quickly brushed the thought away, rolling her eyes at herself at the stupid thought of feeling envy towards a dog. As long as Amanda was warm and safe nothing else mattered and if Frannie could offer her that, then she was happy for her friend.

Outide the city had fully woken up and was in full buzzing mode. It was chilly with fresh gusts of wind but the sun did peek through the white fluffy clouds at times, giving the city a glaring yellow glow. The tv was running, just for some background noise, while Liv was making herself busy in the kitchen preparing lunch for both of them whenever Amanda decided to wake up.

An old movie was playing and the brunette was drawn to the screen smiling, thinking back about ten years when she had last seen the movie. It was a comedy and she found herself laughing at the silliness of their jokes and acting and forgot about her worries for Amanda, just for a little while, until she heard the shower being switched on. Heading over to the bathroom that was connected to her own bedroom, she knocked gently on the door while watching Frannie having a roll around her bed sheets.

"Amanda, you okay in there? Do you need any help?" she got worried when she realized that the door was locked and remembered that her razor was lying on the shelf unit in the shower. "Why did you lock the door, Amanda?"

"That's what people do when they take a shower, Liv." she yelled back so her boss could hear her over the spraying water. "I'm sorry I didn't ask if it was okay. I just... I needed a shower."

Frowning, Liv took a step back. "It's perfectly fine, honey, but if you're not out in ten minutes I'm kicking the door in." she had to give her some privacy, some dignity and some sort of independence so she could have some control over her life and what was happening.

"It's your door." Amanda replied, causing Olivia to chuckle.

"True that."

Amanda had already spotted the razor positioned on the shelf, so conveniently within her reach and she couldn't stop staring at it, as if it was calling her name, telling her to pick it up. She ignored it but, as she did her best to focus on other tasks, like washing her hair, the temptation was still there, stronger than before. With a shaky hand she picked up the shiny sharp object, held it in her right hand where she intensely studied it by turning it over a few times, looking at the blade, placing a finger against it and pressed hard. The skin on the tip of her digit broke immediately and a thin red line appeared where the razor had been.

She gasped in relief of the thrill, watching as the small amount of blood slowly dripped down her finger and gathered into a small red pool in the palm of her hand. If she could just cut once, maybe that would take the edge off? Just one swift move with the blade over her porcelain pale thigh and the strong pull would be over. The hunger would be quenched and the monsters fed. Something held her back. At first she didn't know exactly what it was but, digging down real deep, she came to realize that it wouldn't be fair on Olivia.

Her boss had helped her a lot during the past few days and the thought of causing her more worry or stess wasn't worth it. The disappointment that would surely follow would be too much. Too much guilt, too much hurt and too much regret. So, she stood completely still, under the steaming water, looking between the razor and the bleeding tip, contemplating, torn between good and evil, one angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. As usual, the devil won the battle and as the thin cold blade made contact with her skin, she was lost. Her mind went somewhere else for a while, a place of pure relief where the pain was welcomed and cherished, a thrill of pleasurable agony.

Then, after slicing her skin open and watching the blood pour, she immediately pulled back the razor and put it back where she had found it. It was wrong, she knew it was wrong to inflict such pain, deliberately onto herself, but she felt as if she was too weak to stop it, too weak to find the strength or the will to stop and think about what she was doing and how it could affect, not just her, but also other people around her.

The pain kicked in as she came out of her trance and the hot steaming water penetrated the deep cut and seeped into the exposed flesh. Gasping, she came back to reality and turned the water off. Panic was the next state, thoughts passing quickly through her mind, thinking how she was going to cover this up. Liv was like a hawk and a pit bull. When she had a firm hold of something, she wouldn't let go and that scared Amanda the most.

Using a lot of toilet tissue, she put pressure on the open cut, praying that it would soon stop bleeding so she could get dressed and pretend it never happened. Instead, her heart picked up speed as she heard a knock on the door. "Amanda, are you done in there? I just want to know if you're okay."

Pressing harder onto her thigh, she winched in pain. "Um, yeah... I'm okay. Just, um... just give me a sec."

Olivia could hear the quiver in Amanda's voice and a strong feeling of weariness and doubt crept upon her like a heavy blanket. "You don't sound so good, honey. You sure you're okay?" she pressed her ear up against the door, listening intensely and heard Amanda muttering to herself. "Amanda, could you open the door, please." there was no answer and tried again with a more demanding tone. "I need you to come out now, Amanda. If you're not out within ten seconds I'll break this door down myself and you..."

There was a turning of the lock and the door finally opened.

Amanda had given up trying to stop the bleeding before her boss would find out. There was no use. Instead, she sat down on the closed toilet seat, wrapped in an Egyptian cotton towel, still adding pressure to the wound with her head hanging down in shame, too embarrassed to look at the brunette who just stepped through the door.

"Oh, sweetheart." she whispered, approached the seated woman, grabbed a small towel from the linen closet and gently removed the blood soaked tissue. For ten minutes they sat in silence, waiting for the cut to stop oozing before Liv gently cleaned and bandaged it up to the best of her ability. After aiding the blonde she led her back into the bedroom, softly pushed her down on the bed and sat down next to her, throwing the covers over her half naked body and pulled her into her arms.

"You okay, sweetie?" she gently spoke into a nearby ear, rubbing her hands up and down her back in a reassuring manner. It was a stupid question and she knew it. Did Amanda look okay? Was the bandaged thigh, the lost look on her face and her teary eyes filled with pain, telling her that she was okay? No! It told her the complete opposite, that the blonde wasn't okay and that she was hurting from the inside out and that the cutting was an act of desperation and a cry for help. It was going to be hard to get Amanda to talk and open up but she wasn't going to give up on her friend, no matter how hard the blonde tried to push her away.

To her surprise Amanda didn't pull away or tried to verbally convince Olivia that she was fine and that what she had done wasn't such a big deal. Still hanging her head in shame, the blonde woman leaned in closer to the warm body next to her, shaking her head slightly and began to cry softly into Olivia's shoulder. She wasn't okay. "I'm sorry." she mumbled, her mouth pressed against her sergeant's shirt, muffling the sound.

"What's that, sweets?" bending her head down so she could hear properly, she brushed wet blonde tresses behind a delicate ear, getting a better view of her face.

Soft sniffles escaped Amanda's lips and the previous soft cries turned into heartbreaking sobs. "I'm sorry." she repeated, trying to keep her voice steady. "I'm so sorry. Please... please don't be... m... mad, don't be mad." she tried to curl herself into a small ball by drawing her knees up to her chest but the pain was too severe and she almost screamed out.

"No, no, honey. Don't do that, it's not comfortable for you." Liv gently pushed her knees back down. "You don't have to be sorry, you don't have to worry about me being mad and you don't have to hide from me, sweetheart. Why do you think I'm mad at you and why do you feel like you have to hide from me? I'm here to help you and I'm not mad, I promise you that."

"I... I know I... I disappointed you, I'm sorry. I'm so stupid, I'm so fucking stupid." she cried, clenched her fists and began to pound them against her forehead and temples. "What's... wrong with me? What the hell is... wrong with me? Why am I so fucked up?!"

"Hey, baby, stop that. You're hurting yourself." Liv got down to her knees on the floor infront of the distraught woman, placed her hands on each side of her face to make her establish eye contact, her thumbs gently stroking Amanda's temples. "You are not stupid, honey. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing at all, do you hear me? And I'm not mad at you for doing what you did, how could I?" she gazed lovingly into the teary blue eyes full of pain and sorrow, her heart swelled with compassion and empathy for her friend.

"I'm not disappointed in you, sweetheart. What you're dealing with is an addiction and, like any other addiction, it's going to take time and a lot of hard work to overpower it and take control of it." she leaned in, kissed her wet cheeks, removed her hands from Amanda's breathtakingly beautiful face and instead took a firm hold of her icy hands. "I'm here, honey. I'm here for whatever you need. I want to help you figure out what you're going through but you have to let me in, you have to trust me. I need you to talk to me, I need to understand what kind of trauma you went through, or going through, before I can offer some kind of help. I'm not a proffesional but I've been told that I'm a really good listener and that I give pretty good advice at times." she smiled gently and her heart almost skipped a beat when she saw the corner of Amanda's rosy lips twitch. "You're beautiful when you smile, you know that? So so beautiful and I wish I could see it more often."

Kissing the tip of her nose, she then brought her hands up to place a kiss on the back of each one while brushing a lone tear away from her cheekbone. "You deserve to be happy, Amanda. You deserve so many good things and you need to realize, you need to understand, that whatever happened in your past with your parents, wasn't your fault. It had nothing to do with you."

Amanda shook her head. "You're wrong, I... I wasn't the daughter they..."

Liv quickly interrupted. "Don't you dare say that. You were only a child and you were not at fault, they were." once again she sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Amanda close. "Tell me about your childhood, Amanda. Tell me who you were as a teenager and how you became this beautiful, talented, smart and funny detective? I want to know what shaped you into the amazing human being you are today."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "God, you sound awfully cheesy, Liv."

Chuckling, the brunette helped the both to get into a more comfortable position by leaning their backs against the headboard, making sure the covers were tightly wrapped around Amanda's naked frame. "Maybe so, but it's true. I want to get to know you better. You already know about my mother being an alcoholic and that my... my father was a rapist and I'm the product of that rape. I hardly know anything about you, except the obvious, that you're great at your job, you're dedicated, you're smart and funny, incredibly beautiful and have a heart of gold. I want to know what happened in your past, honey. Tell me so I can help, please. It hurts to see you in so much pain."

Amanda didn't want to go back to that time, to that place or to that horrible misery of a childhood. She shivered just at the thought of it. She also knew that Liv ment what she had said, about wanting to help, and that she should talk about it, to tell Olivia about her crappy childhood, her teenage years and the majority of her adult life up until now. She knew talking about traumatic events was the only way to find peace and closure. They encouraged victims every day at work how important it is to face your fears, your past or even yourself in order to heal and move on with your life. It was hell of a lot different when the victim suddenly became yourself.

Turning her head, she looked out the window just as the sun peeked through the clouds and washed here face with it's bright yellow rays. It felt good. It felt good to have the sun warming her drawn features and she closed her eyes for a second, enjoying the warmth and stillness before she had to open them again.

"I can't remember a time when my parents actually gave a shit." she began, chuckling nervously and started to play with the corner of the cover, twisting it around her finger, un-twisting it and twisting it again in a repetitive motion. "They never really paid attention to me, never acknowledged me, never cared about me. I was a bit of a dare devil as a child, always got hurt, broken bones, scratches, bruises, you name it. Looking back, I realize now that I was just trying to get their attention, to make them notice me but... they never did. They just handed out punishment after punishment for wasting their time and money to take me to the doctor or the hospital. Eventually they stopped taking me even though I needed to go."

She placed a hand over her right shoulder, thinking back on a time when she had gotten hurt and didn't receive medical attention. "Once I dislocated my shoulder really bad. I was twelve and I was crying in pain but they ignored me, telling me I was overreacting. Later that day I threw myself at a brick wall, shoulder first, and I could hear it snap back into place. I'll never forget the pain. Another time I sprained my ankel. It was black and blue and swollen to twice it size. I remember my dad eating my head off for being so careless and thoughtless and he made me walk on it all day, to teach me a lesson."

Taking a deep and shaky breath she could feel Olivia's hand on her lower arm, grounding her, telling her that she was safe and cared for. "I didn't have many close friends in school when I was a teenager. I mostly kept to myself but there was one girl I use to hang out with but she was trouble and I tried to stay away from it."

She made a brief pause, absorbing all the sunshine she could get, the comfort of Olivia's warmth, the intoxicating smell of her boss's perfume and the calm and peaceful presence of the stunning brunette. "I... I was thirteen when I realized that I was... that I was... gay. It took a couple of years for me to build up the courage to tell my one and only friend and she laughed at me, telling me I was disgusting, that I probably had had feelings for her all along and accusing me of touching her inappropriately to the teachers, who eventually told my parents."

A couple of tears escaped from her baby blues and travelled down her cheeks, down to her chin where they slowly dripped down onto the covers bellow. "My parents and my little sister found out that I liked girls and they kicked me out, telling me that they didn't raise me to be 'that way'."

Liv ran her fingers through blonde damp tangled hair and sighed heavily as an immense sadness and pain settled deep within her chest, thinking about the horrid things Amanda had to go through at such a young age. "Where did you go? How did you survive, honey?"

Amanda cleared her throat of any lingering sobs that were ready to burst out any second. She was sick of crying, so sick of it and she had cried enough for a whole lifetime the past few days. She took a breath, feeling exhausted to the bone even though she had slept the past few hours. "I stayed at a shelter for runaway teens until I was eighteen. I got into the academy, graduated, worked as a patrol officer for a few years until I made it to SVU in Atlanta. Things happened there... with my boss and I got transferred to New York and here I am." she smiled and shrugged, trying to make the situation more light and non threatening but the unsettling murky depths could clearly be seen in her crystal blue eyes as she spoke and Olivia couldn't feel anything else but admiration and awe for what Amanda had endorsed.