The Murky Depths
Chapter 16
They had made it into the kitchen for some much needed lunch. Amanda was hungry but found herself unable to eat after telling Liv about her troubled past, the sick nauseated feeling in her stomach was all too strong and taking just the smallest bite of her salad was almost impossible. Olivia didn't want to push, knowing that there was no point in doing so. She also knew what it felt like to push something down your throat when all you wanted to do was to throw it all back up again but she did worry and Amanda needed to eat something to get her strength back.
"Do you want me to make you a smoothie? Sometimes cold things are easier to swallow than a hot ones. I don't mind, I can make you whatever you want, sweetie, I just..." she sighed sadly and softly placed her cutlery down on her plate. "I worry, that's all. You need something in your stomach, honey." Liv cocked her head to the side, the way that only Olivia could, and pursed her lips slightly, studying the pale and tired looking detective in front of her.
Amanda hung her head but peered at the brunette from underneath her fringe, feeling her eyes well up once again and her bottom lip started to quiver, even though she tried her hardest to take control of the situation and not fall apart completely. The lack of sleep and nutrition had taken it's toll on her body and she had no strength left to fight it. She felt so weak and vulnerable, useless, powerless and completely inadequate. She couldn't even manage to eat or to shower without fucking things up.
She was angry. Angry at herself for being such a failure at everything. There were still things she hadn't told Liv yet. Things about her past and her previous boss back in Atlanta, how she had been sexually assaulted by her superior officer on numerous occasions and how he had bragged about it to everyone on the squad, spreading rumors that she was 'easy' and would spread her legs for anybody who asked. She was so angry, boiling on the inside but she was also numb, sick and tired of everything and that numbness neutralized the bubbling anger and she couldn't find the strength to stop the salty tears from seeping through, clouding her vision.
"Amanda?" Liv's gentle voice penetrated her senses and she had to blink repeatedly to bring herself back to the present.
"I'm sorry." she sobbed, covered her face with her hands and and cried. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." she whimpered and began to rock her own body back and forth on the leather clad kitchen chair.
Liv flew out of her seat, rounded the table in less than a second and engulfed Amanda in a strong and secure embrace, rubbing her hands on her back in soothing circles and kissing her head over and over, desperate to help and ease her undoubted pain. "Shh, my sweet sweet girl. What are you apologizing for? You don't have one single reason to say you're sorry." she eased down onto her knees in front of Amanda and gently began to pry her hands away from her face. "Look at me, baby, please."
When Amanda's blue and teary eyes finally made contact with hers, there was a sharp stab into her heart at the immense sadness she saw lurking behind and her own eyes watered just by seeing her friend so miserable. "Oh, sweetheart." she whispered and brought the woman close again, feeling her small frame tremble from the force of her cries. "Come on, let's move to the couch so we'll be more comfortable."
Together they slowly made it to the dark grey three seater where Olivia placed herself on one side and pulled Amanda down on top of her, cradling her in her lap, like a small child. She tucked the blonde head in underneath her chin, grabbed a blanket that was thrown across the arm rest and made sure she was all covered up. "What happened, sweetie? Why are you apologizing?"
Frannie had decided to jump up and make herself the lady of the manor by sprawling out next to the two women, sighing deepy but still kept a watchful eye on her mistress. "You... you made... lunch and I... I... I couldn't even... take one... single... bite. I'm so pathetic and... and weak, I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
Liv caressed the smooth skin of Amanda's cheek, brushing the tears away with the pad of her thumb. "It's okay, sweetheart, I'm just worried about you. You need to eat something so you can get better. I know you hate feeling like this but if you eat something, anything, you will feel better. Baby steps, okay? Why don't I make you a raspberry smoothie to start with and we'll see how it goes from there."
Amanda was getting tired again and the comfort in Liv's arms wasn't helping. She wanted to stay there forever, forget about everything and just sleep for a while. Never in her life had she felt so cared for and it felt amazingly scary to have someone hold and comfort her, a strange feeling that she wanted and needed to get use to. "Okay." she mumbled, fighting the sleep that seemed to constantly overwhelm her. As the brunette began to shift, Amanda curled deeper into the warmth and snuk her arm around Olivia's waist, not ready to let go just yet. "Can we just... stay here... for another few minutes, please?"
She hated the sound of her voice, so pathetic and weak but she didn't regret her request when she felt the strong arms around her tighten and a kiss was placed on the top of her head.
"Of course, we can stay here for as long as you like, honey." she whispered and felt Amanda relax into her embrace.
"I'm sorry I didn't eat lunch." Amanda said after a couple of minutes of silence, her voice so faint that Liv wasn't sure if she had just imagined it.
"It's okay, sweetie. I can see that you're trying and I can't ask any more from you. I'm not going to shove food down your throat and I'm not going to punish you for not eating. I'm just worried about you." another few minutes passed and Amanda fell asleep, mumbling incoherently from time to time, causing Olivia to beam down at the slumbering detective, letting her gaze wander over her gorgeous features and down to her lips. Oh, how she wanted to feel those lips press against her own again but now was certainly not the time.
As Amanda slipped into a deep sleep, Olivia took the chance to gently shift from underneath her, tenderly placing her head upon a cushion and made sure the blanket was tucked all around her. She proceeded to make a smoothie as quietly as she could but the blender was the obvious problem due to it's noisy blades and the blonde woke up after only fifteen minutes of sleeping. "Liv?" she sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, looking for her boss and friend.
"I'm here, sweetie. I'm sorry I woke you up but I want you to try some of this." she handed Amanda the dark pink, almost red, thick liquid and her stomach clenched at just the thought of having to put something in her mouth.
However, as she slowly sipped the cold mix, her tastebuds got use to the tangy but fresh taste and the whole glass went down a real treat. Olivia couldn't help but to smile at her victory and the younger woman spotted the grin on the sergeant's lips. "You look like you just achieved the impossible." she snarled with a hint of humour behind her comment.
Chuckling, Liv began to clean up the leftover lunch. "Well, not far from it."
By the time Liv had finished cleaning the small mess in her kitchen, Amanda had gone quiet, her head resting sideways on the backrest, her breathing shallow but quite fast. Asuming that she had fallen back to sleep, Liv wanted to make sure she was comfortable and approached her younger detective only to find her still awake but in a great deal of pain, clutching her arms around her middle, eyes tightly shut. "Oh, honey! Hold on, I'll get you something."
The pain was bearable but it still made it hard for her to take deep breaths and relax into the softness of the couch. All she could do now was to wait until the meds, that Liv had given her, to take full affect and for the immense pain to subside. The older woman stayed close by as Amanda slowly drifted in and out of slumber, fighting the heaviness of her eyelids until she eventually had no choice but to succumb to the inevitable.
Amanda was back in her previous boss's office, her stomach pressed so hard against the wooden desk, fighting and whimpering for help as she felt Patton move roughly inside of her. He grunted, beads of sweat dripping down her naked back, her hands were held in a tight position behind her as he kept thrusting in and out. Suddenly the office door opened, relieved that someone had walked in and saw what was happening, perhaps someone had come to the rescue? Instead the three men from the bank walked in, grinning from ear to ear as they watched her lying there, helpless, crying and in pain. What were they doing here? How did they get here?
When Patton finished he pulled out of her, causing her to whither in pain but still somehow glad that it was over. That's when she felt another man's hands, roughly fondling her breasts, pinching her nipples so hard it made her scream. "Now, I get to finish what I started." he grunted from behind and the laughter from Patton and the other two men rang out. A sound of evil. As he forcefully penetrated her from behind, her blue eyes snapped open and she flew up from the couch, screaming and holding her breasts as if she was in actual physical pain.
"Amanda?" Liv came running from the kitchen and the blonde became aware that she had changed into something more comfortable, realizing that it was now dark outside and that she must've slept for a good few hours. It must've been a dream, she silently told herself. Just a dream, but the pain was still there as if it had just happened. She felt raw, sore and was not sure if it had been real or not.
Olivia spotted Amanda's hands clutching at her own brests and slowly approached the upset and obviously confused woman. "What's going on, honey? Are you hurt?"
"Are th... they go... gone? Are they... gone?" she stuttered, looking around the room, expecting to see the four men lurking in a corner somewhere.
"Who, Amanda? Who are you talking about? It's just you and me here, sweetie, no one else and you're safe." holding her hands up she showed the blonde that she ment no harm as she closed the distance between them. "It's okay." she soothed and placed a hand on a shivering shoulder.
"They .. they were... here. They hurt... me. Please... make them stop, make them go away." she cried, begging Liv to make the men disappear. "Ow, it... it hurts!" she collapsed back down onto the couch, curled herself into a little ball, hands still on her breasts.
"Sweetheart, there's no one else here except for us. You're safe here with me. You're safe." Liv promised, keeping her voice as low and soothing as possible. Sitting down next to Amanda she cupped her face between her hands, thumbs stroking her cheeks gently. "It was just a bad dream, honey, just a really bad dream. There's no one here that wants to hurt you, baby. You're safe." glancing down at Amanda's breasts, she reluctantly let go of her face and placed her own hands on top of Amanda's but the blonde flinched and pulled away. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you, sweetie, but someone else did, am I right?"
Amanda had her eyes shut so tightly she began to see colours and everything around her seemed to sway and spin out of control. It was not until she felt Olivia's warm and soothing hands on her aching breasts, that she opened them fully, looking straight into worried and loving brown. "It's okay." Olivia repeated. "It's just me. My hands, my touch, not theirs. You are okay."
"They... they hurt me, Liv. They... hurt me." she cried softly, whimpers escaping her tight and clogged up throat, almost making it difficult for Olivia to hear. "They hurt my breasts... they hurt my... my body, I can't... I can't... it hurt so bad. Why did he do this to me?"
Now, Olivia was confused. She knew for a fact that the man in the bank didn't get a chance to hurt her like that and she had a hard time to figure out who and when she was referring to. "What do you mean, sweetie? Who hurt you? The men in the bank?" lowering her hands, she gathered Amanda's cold and slender ones in a firm grip.
Shaking her head, Amanda looked down at her hands that were resting on Olivia's lower arms. "Pa... Patton. He... he hurt me." she whispered, closing her mouth to stop a full blown sob from ripping through but it only made thing worse and she struggled for breath instead.
Liv shut her eyes briefly, now understanding that what had happened in the bank must've triggered old memories to resurface and haunt her, making everything seem like a big messy concoction of events, all mixed together and Amanda was obviously having a hard time, right now, to separate the different scenarios and distinguish reality from dreams. Olivia knew something had happened with Amanda and her previous boss back in Atlanta, that's why she had been transferred in the first place, but what exactly had occurred was something that the blonde never had discussed or even mentioned and Olivia had dismissed it, brushed it aside and never thought about it again. That was a long time ago and the brunette wished that she hadn't been so blatant about it and waved it off like it was nothing. She had seen the hurt in Amanda's blue eyes when she had first mentioned her previous boss and she was now full of regret for not questioning her about it, for not being there for her when she so obviously needed someone in her corner, to fight for her.
"What happened with Patton? What did he do to you, honey? You can tell me." by gently pressing the issue, Olivia hoped that her friend would talk to her, that she would open up and tell her everything she went through down at the 'boy's club' in Georgia.
The young blonde gazed down at their joined hands and took a shuddering breath, then another. "He was... he was flirty and charming at first. He kept it innocent but... after some time he... he became more... more aggressive about it. He would make comments about my appearance or my body, touch me inappropriately if I passed him out. I stuck it out, thinking it would stop but... it didn't."
Olivia gently intertwined their fingers together, rubbing her thumb back and forth across the back of Amanda's smooth skin. "It got worse." she said, her voice distant and dumb, as if she wasn't really there. "I was working late one evening, there was no one else around, he called me in to his office and... and he um, he... he..." her bottom lip trembled. The word just wouldn't pass her throat. It was too hard, too difficult to actually verbalize it and to hear herself say it out loud didn't even seem like an option.
"It's okay, honey, you can say it." Olivia encouraged, her heart breaking for Amanda as she watched the salty drops escape between closed eyelids and travel down her face, creating thin pale lines in their wake. "Tell me, sweetheart."
"He... he..." she struggled, tears flowing, chest heaving, rosy lips quivering and nose running. It was now or never. Just four letters, two syllables and one word. "ra... raped m... me." her body shook from the horrible experience of simply saying the dreaded word. Now, that it was said and out in the open, she continued with a shaky voice full of tears. "Four times he... he rap... ed me! Four different... times. I... I said no, I... I didn't want him to... it... it hurt... so bad. I said no!" she finally broke and let her body relax against Olivia's warm and secure frame, feeling her strong arms encircle her middle and being pulled into her lap.
"Shhh, there you go, sweetie, it's okay, just let go. You've so much pain pent up inside but you can let it go now, my love. Give it all to me, I can take it. You can scream, cry, curse, whatever you need to get you through, okay. I'm right here with you, baby, and I'm not letting go. You're safe now, you're safe."
Amanda screamed and cried until her tears ran dry, exhausted.