Summary: Nurse Training School - The London Hospital
Disclaimer: Call The Midwife belongs to the BBC and others - I am simply borrowing their wonderful characters.
Author's note: Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews. As always I must thank Sitingonthis for the sense check and Jlynsca for the corrections.
Delia lay in her small single bed and stared at the wall. She could feel Patsy's arm wrapped round her, and her body pressed behind her. It ought to give her comfort. It did give her comfort. But it was not enough to keep her thoughts at bay.
Every time she closed her eyes for any period longer than a blink, the images came back. She could vividly see lifeless bodies staring at her; bodies contorted and twisted into unnatural poses by the power of the collision. Men and women. Old. Young. Very young. All victims of a terrible tragedy.
It was like a bizarre version of The Wizard of Oz. All the time she kept her eyes open, she was in a black and white bedroom. The second she tried to sleep, she was in a crashed train in glorious technicolor, ghoulishly accentuating everything she was eager to forget.
Delia sighed, feeling Patsy pull her closer as she did. It wasn't so much the sheer volume of bodies she had seen that had overwhelmed her. It was one casualty in particular that kept flashing in Delia's mind. As she scanned the carriage with her torch, the body of a woman was illuminated. She was tall and lithe. Despite the fact that her hair was matted with blood, it was clear she was blonde. What caught Delia's attention however, and made her heart lurch then, and now, was that the woman was wearing a thick wool coat.
Patsy had one exactly like it.
Delia knew it was irrational but at the time she had broken down and sobbed. It had taken her a long time to compose herself. The Welsh nurse knew she had said goodbye to Patsy in the Lecture Hall, but her mind was cruel. She couldn't get the thought out of her head that it could be her. Delia had forced herself to examine the woman more closely, even though it was obvious she was dead. The closer inspection allowed Delia to rationalise her thoughts and emotions. It wasn't Patsy.
But what if it had been? Delia honestly didn't know what she'd do if she lost her love. No one knew of their relationship. If anything happened to Patsy, she would have no claim to be able to see her. She'd have no claim to any of her keepsakes. That thought set Delia's pulse racing again. Delia wasn't even sure that she would be allowed to visit Patsy if she was seriously ill in hospital.
Delia's tired mind remained cruel, and even when she thought about her relationship with Patsy, the image of the woman who had died in the carriage imprinted on her brain. It invaded all her thoughts of Patsy. It was illogical but Delia felt as though she had no control over her thoughts.
She was too frightened to sleep.
Almost imperceptibly, she felt Patsy relax and her breathing become more even and shallow. The arm she had used to hold her close felt heavier and less controlled. Delia was relieved. There was no point in them both having a sleepless night.
She glanced at the clock on her bedside table. The luminescence on the hands was fading now but she could still just barely make out the time. Delia realised that she could stay still no longer, and she very carefully extricated herself from Patsy's grasp and slid out of bed. Silently locating her slippers and a dressing gown, the young woman grabbed a pencil and scribbled a note, hoping that her writing would be legible in daylight.
She left the note on her desk and then quietly opened the door, slipping outside and shutting it softly behind her.
Not quite sure where she was going, but needing to do something, Delia headed down the corridor and found herself making her way to the kitchen. If nothing else, she could make herself a mug of Horlicks and wait for morning without disturbing Patsy by tossing and turning.
She was surprised to see the light on in the kitchen and stopped when she saw Penny McAllistair watching a pan of milk on the hob.
Delia cleared her throat, not wanting to startle the other woman too much and was pleased that Penny simply turned round, instead of jumping or crying out.
"I take it you couldn't sleep either," Penny commented, rather than asked.
Delia nodded simply and sat down at the kitchen table when Penny nodded towards it. She watched the willowy nurse go to the fridge and take out a bottle of milk, adding plenty to the pan.
They waited in silence for the milk to heat and then Penny joined Delia at the table, handing her over a mug of cocoa. "Millie stayed with me," Penny admitted. "She was so caring. She even got into bed with me to make me feel safe."
Delia smiled sadly. "Patsy was the same. I just couldn't close my eyes though."
Penny nodded. "I can't do that without seeing all those patients. I keep wondering if I chose the right one to go to hospital first. What if I made a mistake? What if my decisions were wrong?" Her voice cracked with emotion.
Delia leaned over and grabbed her hand. "You can't think that way, Pen. Each patient needed to be treated and all of them got to hospital. You made what you thought was the right decision at the time for each one. No one could ask any more of you." She looked at her colleague and realised how fragile she looked. In some ways, Penny's job had been worse than hers. She may have seen a lot of fatalities, but there was nothing she could do for them. They were simply corpses at that point. Penny was dealing with patients who needed treatment and care. Without intervention, they could die. The pressure must have been horrendous.
Penny sniffed, trying to put on a brave face. "At least I didn't have to do what you did, Delia. There's no way I would have been brave enough to get into a crashed train with just a torch. I can't even begin to imagine how horrible that was for you."
Delia smiled grimly. "Funnily enough, I was just thinking that I was glad that wasn't doing your job."
They both shook their heads ruefully as they continued to drink their cocoa. There was silence for a while, until both women began to open up and describe what they had done.
Penny was relieved. It felt easier talking to Delia. She didn't need to waste words on describing the scene, or the chaos, or the noise. More importantly, even though she was relatively sure the others wouldn't judge her, she was absolutely certain that Delia wouldn't. Delia would understand the circumstances. She would understand the doubt. She would understand the guilt.
They held each other's hands while they spoke, giving each other quiet support as they tried to rationalise what they had seen and what they had done.
As their conversation tapered off, Delia went to the pantry to retrieve a loaf of bread. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving."
"Oh thank god. I thought it was just me." Penny grinned. "But are you sure it's wise to cook toast at this time of night?"
"It's closer to morning to be fair." Delia shrugged, starting to feel fractionally more like herself. "Besides, there's plenty of bread if anyone wants to join us," she reasoned.
The willowy nurse nodded and while Delia produced a small mountain of toast and jam, Penny made tea. There was something reassuring about the simple repast.
"I do feel terribly guilty," Penny admitted, round a mouthful of toast.
"You could only do your best at the time," Delia reassured her.
"Not about that. Well, I do feel guilty about that, but that wasn't what I meant." Penny winced, realising that she wasn't making much sense. "I feel guilty because Millie looked after me, comforted me and was prepared to listen to all my fears, and I didn't even ask her how she got on."
Delia dropped the piece of toast she was holding. "Oh my god. Neither did I." She was horrified. How could she have not even thought about what Patsy and the others had to do?
"It's completely understandable, Delia." A new voice broke into their conversation as Patsy entered the kitchen. Somehow, the blonde nurse managed to retain her elegance even wrapped in a dressing gown and wearing slippers.
"Sorry," Delia apologised immediately.
Patsy shook her head. "There's no need to apologise. I think we were all overwhelmed." She took a seat next to the Welsh woman and smiled softly at her. "Thank you for leaving the note. It prevented a total panic when I woke up."
"I didn't want to disturb you," Delia explained.
Patsy nodded before reaching for a slice of toast. "I woke up hungry. I'm beginning to think the smell of toast must have permeated all the way up to our floor."
Penny stood up and retrieved a mug from a cupboard. "Would you like tea? There's plenty in the pot and it's still hot."
Patsy nodded. "Thank you. Have you both been up long?"
"What time is it now?" Penny asked as she poured Patsy's tea and topped up the other mugs.
"Just after 6."
"About three hours then," Delia admitted. "I didn't realise the time." She took another sip of tea before looking at Patsy. "So how was it at the hospital? Are you all right?"
"I just worked without thinking. As each patient came in, we found a space and started treatment. It was so busy I didn't have time to think about it, if I'm honest." Patsy shrugged apologetically but winced slightly when she saw Delia narrow her eyes at her. She should have known the brunette would be able to see through any veiled response.
"Don't you believe her," another voice commented, and Millicent shuffled into the kitchen. She had obviously just got up and her hair was sticking up spectacularly. She sat down next to Penny. "Nurse Mount here had her department jumping to her every command."
Patsy stiffened, taking the comment as a slight but her eyes widened when she heard Millicent continue. "It was quite something to see. I don't think I've seen anyone with so much presence on the ward who wasn't at least a Sister. You were quite amazing, Patsy," she praised honestly.
Delia smiled. Hearing Patsy appear to function so well was a relief, but she knew they would need to talk later.
"What about you, Millie?" Penny asked quietly.
"I wasn't nearly so composed as Patsy," she admitted freely. "I thought I was going to start crying at any moment. I don't know how you did it, Patsy." Millicent seemed quite in awe of the blonde nurse.
Patsy smiled tightly. "I simply concentrate on the task at hand. One is not nearly so efficient if one is overwhelmed with emotion."
Delia saw Penny start to reply but shook her head almost imperceptibly. Nothing any of them might say right now would get through Patsy's very obvious barrier. She would speak with her later in private when, perhaps, she might open up.
Penny was certain that Patsy was hiding her true thoughts about what had happened, and when she saw Delia's gesture, she knew she was right. Instead of challenging Patsy's assertion, she changed tack. "I could have done with some of your efficiency with me. I definitely felt overwhelmed."
Patsy was immediately contrite. "Pen, we all deal with stressful situations in different ways. What works for me may not work for you."
"Every single one of us would have been overwhelmed if we were put in your position," Delia declared assuredly. "But the simple truth is that despite feeling overwhelmed, you did your job and patients got to the hospital. You saved lives last night."
"We all did," Millicent amended, starting to look at their overall impact.
"Not all of us," Delia muttered darkly.
They were interrupted by the arrival of Rachel who was quickly followed by Amanda. In a few minutes the kitchen held all eleven student nurses who had formed part of the initial response to the incident. More tea was brewed and heaps of toast were demolished as they all shared their personal perspectives on the tragedy.
The different stories helped them piece together a better picture of how the disaster had been handled. Amanda admitted that she had been thrilled to work on the ambulance and was determined to either specialise as an Accident and Emergency nurse or work for the Ambulance Service instead. In contrast, Lynette was now certain that her calling lay in long term and palliative care. As they talked, they realised that they all had doubts about their abilities, and none of them were sure that they could deal with something of that magnitude. But they had coped. They had coped well.
They surprised themselves by laughing too. Rachel set it off. She was quite the story teller, the others decided, with a laconic style that kept them in rapt attention. "I don't know what my mother was so worried about," she commented quite bizarrely at one point.
"What?" Lynette asked.
"Mother told me to always wear clean scanties in case I was in an accident. I lost count of how many patients I transported last night and I couldn't tell you the state of any pair of their unmentionables."
There was a pregnant pause for a few seconds before the kitchen erupted with laughter. It was certainly more than the comment deserved but it aided the catharsis. They were still giggling when the nurses who had helped out on night shift joined them.
There was a sense of relief and a lessening of guilt when the night team told them about their shift. They had been used to treat the minor patients and then reassigned to bolster the staffing for those wards that admitted patients. It was confirmed that there were no further seriously injured casualties brought into A&E. Those on the night shift wished that they had been able to help at the start. They were all told quite firmly that it was not an experience that anyone should wish for. There was more sharing of stories, and the group drew strength from each other. If anything good could be taken from the accident it was that they became closer and more loyal as a group. It was left unsaid, but each nurse felt quite sure that they now had a cohort of friends they would always be able to rely on. Not colleagues; friends.
The kitchen was quite crowded now, and the nurses were all bunched together. Patsy took advantage of this to whisper quietly to Delia. "Deels, you look exhausted. Why don't you go back to bed for a while?"
Delia shook her head. "I'm going to have another bath," she told her. "And then I need to get up. I've got a couple of errands to run now that we have a free day."
"Anything I can help with?"
"Not really, but I would appreciate some company if you're not too tired," Delia admitted.
"Of course." Patsy was concerned. Delia had dark lines under her eyes and she was pallid and drawn. What she really wanted was for the Welsh woman to rest, but Delia would do that on her own terms.
Delia stood up. "I'm sorry to leave you all, ladies. But I need another bath. I still feel a bit grimy from last night." The first team nurses all nodded sympathetically as Delia left with Patsy, while the night turn staff looked concerned.
As they walked down the corridor, Patsy and Delia could hear Penny's hushed tones explaining Delia's role to those that weren't aware. Blindly, Delia reached out for Patsy's hand; Patsy took it willingly.
At 9.15am Delia and Patsy were patiently queuing in the Post Office. Delia had a scrap of paper held tightly in her hand, and she fidgeted nervously as she waited to be served.
"Deels, can I ask what you're up to?" Patsy had not wanted to crowd Delia with questions and had simply told her that she was more than happy to accompany her wherever she needed to go.
"I need to send a telegram home," the diminutive nurse replied simply.
Patsy raised an eyebrow. Telegrams weren't cheap these days, however the Busbys weren't on the telephone at home so it was the quickest way of getting a message to them. "What's the urgency?"
Delia ignored the comment as she was beckoned forward by the Post Master. Patsy waited to one side, a polite distance away so that she could not overhear what was being said.
Nothing further was said until the pair left the Post Office and carried on down the High Street. "I needed to let my parents know that I was all right. They don't know London very well, and my mother always assumes I'm involved in every bit of bad news that originates here."
Patsy nodded. That was a perfectly reasonable thing to do. She was shocked when Delia continued speaking.
"I also told them that I won't be going home for Christmas."
"I would have thought that now, more than ever, you would want to spend time with your family." Patsy knew the remnants of her family were quite dysfunctional, but Delia's family ties were far stronger.
"I do want to see them," Delia admitted. She looked at Patsy sadly. "I just don't think I can get on a train yet."
Patsy nodded slowly. "What will you do then? You've got an aunt who lives in London haven't you? Will you go there?"
Delia smiled shyly at the taller woman. "I rather thought I'd spend my Christmas with you. That is, if you haven't made plans." She broke off, suddenly recalling that Patsy did indeed visit her family at Christmas. In fact that was the only time of year that she did visit.
Patsy looked at the brunette incredulously for a moment before a huge smile broke across her face. "Really?" She couldn't quite believe it.
Delia nodded. "If that's all right?"
"I'd adore that," Patsy sighed, barely believing that it could happen.
Delia's smile grew. "Me, too. Perhaps we can plan a bit of it at the weekend. In the meantime, I need to get some new stockings."
The tall blonde nodded. "You need to get some new shoes, too."
Delia sighed. "I'd forgotten about that. I'd just got them too. I hope the Bursar doesn't berate me too much."
"I don't think there will be any problems today." Patsy paused as she spotted a sign in the High Street. "Do you mind if we pop into Woolies?"
"Not at all. What did you need?"
"Well, now we're staying here for Christmas I need to get a tin of Quality Street and some Newberry Fruits." Patsy's mind was racing. She wondered if the kitchen would be sufficient for them to be able to pull off a Christmas dinner.
Delia looked at her, aghast. "Who eats Newberry Fruits? Other than my nan."
"I love them," Patsy admitted freely.
"They're vile. Honestly, Pats, you'll be telling me you like Parma Violets next," Delia grumbled.
"Gosh, what a fabulous idea. I love them, too."
"You can't be serious. They taste like soap." The Welsh woman was quite indignant about Patsy's confectionary choices.
"I couldn't possibly comment. I've never eaten soap."
Delia snorted. "I don't believe that for a second what with you going to Catholic boarding school." The brunette shuddered. "I might have to reassess your judgement skills, Nurse Mount."
"Hey!" Patsy protested in mock outrage. "Come on. I'll let you pick out what you want, too." She led the way into the shop with a sigh of relief. That brief exchange had been reassuringly familiar. Cheeky Delia was still there.
After a successful shopping trip, Delia and Patsy returned to the Nurses Home. The Bursar was helpful and kind when she provided a pair of replacement shoes for Delia, much to the Welsh woman's surprise.
As they headed back to their rooms, Patsy caught sight of a new sheet of paper on the Notice Board. She drifted over and read the content. Delia had been slightly in front and hadn't realised Patsy's diversion until she got to the stairs, but hurriedly backtracked to join her.
"Well, it's good to see that we're all back to normal as far as study goes," Patsy commented drily.
"What does it say?"
"Exams are still to go ahead on Friday, but 'there will be allowances given for questions related to the missed lectures on Wednesday'." She read out the last part directly from the notice.
Delia groaned. "I don't know if I can do any revision today."
"We don't have to. How about we go back to the room and you see if you can have a nap."
The brunette shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not sure I'll be able to."
Patsy began to head up the stairs. "In that case, you can lie down and I'll read out some of our revision notes. If that doesn't send you to sleep, nothing will."
Delia smiled, realising that Patsy was desperately trying to help her, and wasn't quite sure how.
"All right," she concurred as she followed the taller woman up the stairs. "You can start with baroreceptors and neuroreceptors. I still can't work out how they work together."
Patsy pulled a face. "We'll both be asleep in minutes if I start with that."
"I won't complain."
To be continued...