The Murky Depths

Chapter 17

"Liv, how's Amanda doing?"

Fin peeped his head into her office, surprised to see his boss looking so drawn and tired. "Wow, I take that back. How are you doing? You look a bit... tired."

Olivia smiled and chuckled softly, peering at her detective from above the rim of her glasses before taking them off. "It's okay, you can say it, Fin. I look awful."

Shrugging, the man stepped inside and took a seat on the opposite side of Olivia's hardwood desk. "Nah, don't be so hard on yourself, Liv. Are you looking after yourself?"

"Yeah," she sighed and leaned back in her chair, "I am, thanks for asking. It's just... hard. I've never seen Amanda so... fragile before. Of course we all feel vulnerable and low now and then but Rollins always acts so tough and put together that it's almost like I'm looking at a total different person these last few days. Everything that happened in the bank is causing memories of Patton to come to light and it's just hard to see her suffer the way she is."

"So... she told you about Patton? Did she tell you everything that happened?" he cocked his head to the side, waiting for the tired woman in front of him to answer.

"She did." her voice broke slightly and her chest became heavy as she thought of the beautiful blonde back at her apartment and what she had endured. "She didn't go into detail but... I got the main picture of it all." she swallowed at the tears threatening to spill. "It just makes me want to shoot the son of a bitch." she spat, her voice dripping with venom.

"That's usually my line, sarge." Fin winked but was glad to see, at least, a hint of a smile on his sergeant's face. "At least she's talking about it, that's a big step for Amanda. I'm happy that she's got you to confide in. I knew something had happened between Patton and Amanda but I never pushed her to talk about it. I'm glad things are coming to light so she can hopefully find some closure from all this. She deserves it."

He turned gravely serious and Liv could see a tear in his eye but, as soon as she had spotted it, he blinked, cleared his throat and stood up. "Why don't you finish up here and go home, tell Amanda I said hi and that we all miss her. Carisi is killing me with his bad sense of humour and his sensitive stomach is making me want to stop eating all together."

Laughing, Olivia shut her laptop down and grabbed her coat from the back of her chair. "I'll let her know, thanks Fin, you're a good friend."

"And don't you forget it." he smiled and left the room.

Amanda had kept herself busy by scrubbing Olivia's apartment from top to toe. Not that it needed a clean, since Liv was generally a clean person anyway, but because she had to keep her mind off of things and distract herself from any reoccurring memories that could pop into her head at any stage. It was easier said than done. The flashbacks kept coming and going and at one point she had even picked up her phone, ready to call Liv and ask for some kind of reassurance but she changed her mind and, once again, regained control of her swirling thoughts.

Frannie was sitting on the couch, ears perked up and staring at her owner who was currently on her knees, scrubbing the skirting boards. She had never seen her mistress behave in such a peculiar way and she seemed quite amused by the whole scenario. Moving and bending her body so much was obviously not a good thing to do, considering her injuries, but the pain relief took the edge off and, as she fought for the images in her head to go away, she found that the physical pain was a welcomed distraction.

She was just about done with the skirting boards when she spotted a stain on the floor. It was not very big or visible but to Amanda it stuck out from everything else and she began to vigorously scrub the solid oak wood, desperate to get rid of the stain. She didn't hear the front door open due to the loud noise the brush created as it made contact with the floor and it was not until she felt a hand on her shoulder that she flinched and jerked back from the sudden touch, startled.

"Hey, it's just me." Lv announced and held her hands up in a non defensive manner. "What are you doing, honey?" she took a quick glance around the spotless apartment, eyebrows raised in surprise and confusion.

"Cleaning." Amanda muttered and got back to her scrubbing, putting more force into her movements, determined to eliminate any traces of the mark on the floor.

"I can see that and you've done an amazing job, sweetie and I really appreciate it but you're suppose to be resting. All this moving around can't be good for you, come on, take a break." she gently tugged at Amanda's shoulder, trying to get her to stand up but the blonde pulled away and contined her ferocious scrubbing.

"No, I... I need to get this stain out." she spat, sweat beading her forehead and her breaths were short, shallow and laboured.

"That stain has been there sinse I moved in here, honey. It doesn't come off no matter how hard you scrub, trust me, I've tried it. Now, come on, let's get you to the couch where you can sit down and relax." again she pulled gently at the blonde's slender shoulder and let out a sigh of relief as the younger woman followed her lead. They sat down on the perfectly fluffed pillows of the sofa, Olivia's hand now resting on her lower arm and she could feel the muscles tremble underneath her palm.

"You're in pain." she stated after a while after studying the blonde's features.

"I'm fine." Amanda replied all too fast to sound convincing.

The older detective cupped a flushed face between her hands, guiding her head towards her so she could look her in the eye. "You're not fine, honey. You're sweating, you're shaking from the physical strain and your eyes are telling me a whole different story than 'Im fine'. When was the last time you took your medication, sweetie?"

Amanda's blue eyes were clouded with pain and a pang of guilt settled within her chest as she sa the concerned look on her boss's face. "I... I ment to but I... I got busy and... I... I guess I forgot." she bent her head in shame. "I'm sorry." she whispered, tears falling down her face. "I'm sorry."

Liv closed her eyes, sighed sadly and brought the upset woman into a warm embrace. "Oh, honey! The only person you should apologize to right now is yourself. Why putting yourself through this agony when there's medication that will help you managed it? Huh, why honey?"

"I... I just don't like the way they make me feel." she sniffled, wiping her face with the back of her hand and, to Olivia, the movement made her look like a little girl who had lost her favorite toy. "They make me sleepy and I don't want to sleep." she admitted between soft sobs and cries that tore at Olivia's heart.

"Why don't you want to sleep, sweetheart?" she had an inkling that Amanda was afraid of the nightmares that she would undoubtedly endure but she wanted to hear it from the young woman herself.

Amanda looked away, shame creeping up her cheeks as a tremor ran down her spine. "Talk to me, Amanda. Tell me why you don't want to sleep. Are you afraid of having bad dreams?" maybe it would be easier for the blonde to admit it with a simple nod instead of saying it out loud. When she received her already predicted answer she, got up, placed a kiss on the top of her head and made her way into the kitchen to get the small bottle of pills that was positioned on the counter and within a few seconds a glass of cool water was gently pressed into her hand. "I'm not watching you suffer like this, sweetheart. Please, if not for you, then take them for me."

Reluctantly, Amanda tossed the pills back her throat and drank most of the water before she tensed up and her whole body turned rigid and her eyes fluttered across the room, as if she expected someone to suddenly jump out and scare her. Olivia scooted closer, roped an arm around her shoulders and spoke reassuringly. "You're safe, sweetie. I'm here, I've got you."

Amanda crumbled at those loving words and she turned her body towards Olivia, leaned into the warm embrace and sobbed almost hysterically, hissing and gasping in pain as she did so. She clung shamelessly to her boss, hiding her face in the crook of the older woman's neck and felt strong arms pull her as close as possible without hurting her any further. "Shhh, it's alright, my love. You're gonna be okay."

She began rubbing the quivering back in large soothing circles and felt Amanda's heart pound profusely under her touch. "Oh, my sweet girl!" she hushed, close to tears herself. "I've got you, my baby, it's alright. Hush now, try to calm your breathing down for me, sweetheart. You're making the pain worse by hyperventilating, come on, in and out slowly."

Amanda needed air but it was too painful to take a deep breath and therefore the short and shallow gasps were the only option for her to get some oxygen into her lungs but, since she was picking up the speed, it all became too much too fast. "Amanda, you need to listen to me, listen to my voice, sweetheart. No one is going to hurt you, there's only me and you in here and you are safe, do you hear me? You're safe, honey but I really need you to slow your breathing down. I know it's hard and painful but you can do it. Come on, one big breath and you'll feel better, I promise."

Even though Amanda was close to passing out she still managed to somehow hold on to Olivia's words that guided her through the murky depths of her mind and eventually, doing her best to push the pain aside, she inhaled deeply through her nose, let the air fill her lungs before blowing it out between trembling lips. "That's it, honey, that's it. You're doing great, come one, one more."

The blonde repeated her previous action and felt her head and vision slowly clear up, her heart steadily reducing it's speed back to normal and the pain in her ribs and abdomen lessened. She was so ashamed for losing control yet again and she suddenly felt as if this was never going to end, that she was stuck in this dark hole with no way out and that this was now her life. Panic set in once again but Liv was quick to sooth as she felt the body in her arms tense up.

"No, no, honey! Come back to me, come on." she pulled back slightly so she could look at the blonde's face to see what was going on, caressing damp cheeks with gentle fingertips. "It's okay, I've got you, honey. Whatever you're feeling right now is okay and it will pass, believe me, it will pass."

"I'm sorry, Liv. I... I don't know what's wrong with me." Amanda cried softly. "I feel like I'm losing control of everything."

Olivia offered her a reassuring smile while she continued to brush away the tears as they fell. "You don't have to apologize, sweetheart, and there's nothing wrong with you. It's just your body and mind trying to process everything that has happened and it's completely normal. You're in control Amanda, no matter what you think or feel, you're in control." she hushed in a gentle voice, running her fingers through Amanda's fair curls. "You're in control."

"I'm... in... control." the petite woman repeated with a whisper, her breathing almost fully back to normal.

"That's right, honey. You're in control." there was a moment of silence between the two. Only the sound of their breathing and Amanda's soft sniffles could be heard inside the cozy apartment and their eyes locked for a second but for Olivia it seemed like an eternity. The intense need to protect and love this woman was overwhelming and her chest tightened as she looked into the pale blue orbs, taking in every speck of emotion that were held within those eyes. She was in love with Amanda.

As the blonde, momentary forgot about everything that was going on, stared deeply into the eyes of her boss, she couldn't help a sudden wave of warmth and safety to come crashing over her. Olivia was everything she had ever dreamed of. The caring, compassionate and loving woman she had read about in newspapers and seen on the tv back in Atlanta was sitting in front of her, holding her, comforting her and speaking so gently to her that she thought her heart would burst. Now, Amanda understood why the victims felt so safe and trusting towards the brunette and how she was able to make them tell her their deepest secrets and humiliating experiences. Olivia was made for this job, made for all those victims, made for... made for her.

Soft lips claimed Olivia's, teasing, exploring and tasting. She was in control, she set the pace of the tender kiss and when she felt her boss's lips open slightly to reciprocate the lip lock, Amanda could feel butterflies filling up her stomach and her eyes once again welled up but, this time, from relief and an immense feeling of trust and security. Could it even be love?

When Olivia felt a warm wetness hit her fingertips she pulled away, worried that she had gone too far or that Amanda had changed her mind. Cupping the moist cheeks she gazed lovingly into the younger woman's face. "What's wrong, baby? I'm sorry if I pushed you into anything that..."

"No, no." Amanda shakily responded, smiling weakly. "They're... they're good tears, I promise. I just feel..." she stopped, not finding the word she was looking for to describe her emotional state.

"You just feel what, honey?" the older woman tilted her head to the side so she could get a better look of the blonde's facial expression.

Amanda blinked a few times, trying to keep the flooding tears at bay and from rolling down her pale skin. "Excited, uncertain, scared, happy, sad, insecure... everything." again she felt exposed for revealing her feelings, putting them out there in the open for Olivia to hear. She didn't want to scare the older woman away by admitting to all her insecurities and fears, even though she was certain that Olivia wasn't easily scared or affected by such things, the fear of rejection was always there, lurking beneath the surface.

As expected Olivia didn't pull away or acted differently. Instead she pulled the slightly distraught blonde into her arms, guided her head onto her shoulder and stroked the fair tresses. "All those feelings are completely understandable, sweetheart, and I don't blame you for having them. I would be more worried if you didn't have those feelings. Just remember that I'm here to help you figure them out, sweetie. We're in this together and things will be okay."

"What if they don't turn out okay? What if I'll never be okay?" Amanda whispered, her voice breaking as she revealed yet another fear that haunted her senses.

"Honey," Liv gently turned Amanda in her embrace so she could look at her but still holding her securely and lovingly. "things will get better, I promise you that. As long as we're both open to each other, respect and trust one another then things will be okay." Olivia was interrupted by a gentle nudge on her calf and a paw scratching her right foot. "Frannie, come up here and give your mama a big kiss."

Jumping up onto the sofa, the dog eagerly licked her owner's face and then proceeded to give the same attention to Olivia and the brunette scrunched her face up while the long and wet tongue swiped over her chin and cheek. "Mmm, thanks miss Frannie May, you'd make a great cleanser."

She could hear Amanda chuckled at the words, reached out and scratched her beloved dog behind her ear while snuggling closer to the warm body next to her.

Liv kissed the top of Amanda's head and then Frannie's, thinking how blessed and lucky she was to be sitting here. "My two favourite ladies, one on each side of me, all cuddled close. What more could a girl want?"