Summary: Nurse Training School - The London Hospital
Disclaimer: Call The Midwife belongs to the BBC and others - I am simply borrowing their wonderful characters.
Author's Notes: As always, massive thanks to Sittingonthis for the sense check and to Jlynsca for her editing skills.
Thank you to everyone who left lovely positive and constructive comments - they are always welcome and motivating.
To those that left more hurtful comments, they were successful - I hope that pleases you.
I am fully aware that my stories aren't everyone's cup of tea and that I do test the emotional limits of the characters. I get it if you don't like it but if that's the case, please be constructive in your feedback, or better yet, don't waste your time reading. At the very least, stand by your comments and leave a name rather than hide behind 'guest'. It takes a lot to post a story. I think sometimes people forget just how much time and personal effort is invested into writing a story (particularly a longer one). Rant over...
Patsy tapped nervously on Delia's door. It was 6 o'clock so it would be perfectly reasonable for nurses to be up and about getting ready for an early shift.
The door opened almost immediately and Patsy found herself grabbed by her blouse and pulled into the room before she had time to react. The second the door shut the pair embraced, crushing each other with a ferocity of emotion. Patsy heard herself sob as she buried her face into Delia's neck. She could feel Delia's fingers dig into her back, in an attempt to draw her even closer.
They stayed locked together for a long moment, neither willing to be the first to pull away. Eventually, Delia loosened her hold and took a step back and looked into Patsy's eyes. "Where have you been?" She whispered, her voice hoarse.
Patsy looked at her lover critically. Delia looked ashen and exhausted and had clearly been crying. She felt her heart contract and she led Delia to her bed so that they could sit down. "I'm so sorry Deels. The Bursar ambushed me yesterday and told me that I had to move rooms."
"Why?"
Patsy pulled a face. "She wouldn't explain in exact terms but she hinted pretty firmly that it was all about putting some distance between you and me."
Delia bit down on an incredulous laugh. "Is that all?"
"Delia, this is serious. We could lose our jobs." Patsy couldn't believe Delia's reaction.
"Why didn't you come and tell me where you were? Or leave a proper note? I've been worried all night." Delia forced herself to ask questions rather than jump to conclusions. She'd been speculating all night and resolved nothing.
Patsy looked chagrined. "I wanted to Deels. I intended to. I needed a distraction so I scrubbed out the room I'd been given and then unpacked." She hesitated for a moment before sighing. "Then I wallowed in self-pity for a while and got lost in my thoughts. By the time I realised I should be coming to see you, it was past curfew."
"Bloody curfew," Delia scoffed. "And you didn't think that it was worth breaking? To let me know that you were at least all right?" She knew she wasn't being fair, but Delia couldn't help herself.
Patsy bristled, equally fragile after an emotional night. "Of course I did. But the Bursar made it quite clear that breaking curfew was an element of the issue and I was quite convinced that she or the night sister would be watching and waiting to see if I was going to break it again."
Delia was instantly contrite. "Sorry. It's just that I didn't know what to think." She ran a hand through her hair. "We'd said that we were going to talk, and then to see your room empty..." the brunette trailed off, her throat constricting again.
"I'm sorry, too. But the Bursar was watching my every move. And I didn't even know where she was going to put me. I had to leave a basic note. And I would have come back." There was a clear note of insistence in her voice.
Delia nodded shakily. "I know." She swallowed. "I was so scared, Pats," she admitted finally.
"I'm sorry," Patsy repeated. "I did mean to come back and tell you where I'd ended up."
Delia took a deep breath and steeled herself. "I was worried that it was you that wanted to put some distance between us."
"What?" Patsy was aghast. "I wouldn't just up and leave. I'd never have such disregard for you."
Delia nodded, but could feel her heart pounding. She felt sick but knew she had to continue. "I know. But after our conversation at the coffee shop, I wondered if you were having second thoughts."
Patsy closed her eyes. She did not want this conversation. Not now, when they were both so emotionally wrung out. She felt a tear trickle down her cheek. "I can't deny that I haven't thought about it," she admitted finally, her voice little more than a whisper.
Delia stood up abruptly, hugging herself as she went to stand in the corner of her room. She stared absently at the wall, unwilling to face Patsy as she spoke. "And what conclusion did you reach?"
"Delia, can we talk about this later? I need to get ready for work and..."
"No." Delia turned round suddenly, her eyes flashing. "We put this off yesterday because there was no time. I can't wait another shift wondering where I am with you."
"Delia, I love you." Patsy stood up, feeling suddenly defensive. "I'm sorry if that's not good enough for you."
"Patsy, this isn't about whether you love me or not. It's about whether you can accept your own feelings and what that actually means. For you as well as us."
"I've never hidden from you how reserved I am, or how difficult it is for me to talk about things." Patsy could hear her voice become tight.
"Again, this is not about that. This is about how you view your feelings for me, and what that means for us both." Delia was tenacious.
"No, that's what it is for you. And what does it matter? We can't have a normal relationship. We have to keep things secret and I'm sorry if that means I can't parade around with my heart on my sleeve. But I've accepted that at least. You haven't." Patsy kept careful control of the volume of her voice, but there was no doubting the force of her words.
Delia clenched her hands in frustration. "So what do we do then? Just carry on like we are? Together but not really? Grabbing a moment here and there? Never able to do much else."
"I didn't realise I was boring you, Delia," Patsy lashed out.
"That's not it at all and you know it." Delia's voice was shaking now. "I don't know where I stand with you. If you can't accept yourself for who you are, how can you accept us?"
"Why is this so important to you?"
"How can it not be for you?"
"I'm scared, Delia. Satisfied? I'm scared." Patsy stepped forward slightly as she spoke and Delia could see her trembling. "I don't know that I can ever accept myself for having these feelings, which means that every day I think that I'm being unfair to you. But I don't know how to cope without you anymore. And that frightens me, too." She took a breath and suddenly her face became a mask. Delia felt her stomach lurch.
"Perhaps it would be easier if we kept our distance for a while," she stated woodenly.
"What? No!" Delia was horrified that Patsy could even suggest such a thing.
"Just think about it logically for a minute," Patsy persevered. "I already have the Bursar watching me. I have absolutely no doubt she's watching you, too. We simply can't carry on as we did without inviting further scrutiny and then, who knows? They've already separated us. The only next step after that would be to terminate our employment."
"Love isn't logical, Patsy. That's the whole thing about it. We can't just treat it like a puzzle that needs solving." Delia could feel tears rolling down her face but she didn't care.
"We have taken too many risks. We've been complacent. I think it would be best if we both took stock of the situation. We need to look at this objectively."
Patsy sounded as cold as Delia ever remembered and to her it was obvious that she had already made up her mind. "Are we breaking up?" She asked faintly, unable to look at the other woman.
"No." Patsy's firm denial prompted Delia to lift her head. "This is about us being careful and taking stock of the situation. If we are going to be together, we need to be cleverer than we have been." She sighed in resignation. "And we also need to be able to cope without each other too."
"What? Why?" Delia was alarmed again. Every message Patsy was giving her was confusing.
"So that if we do need to keep our distance, it won't destroy us. Please understand, Delia. This is for the best."
Delia heard the finality in Patsy's tone and knew that it would be futile to try and dissuade this course of action. "If you think it's for the best," she allowed eventually, her voice sounding foreign to her.
Patsy nodded. "I need to get ready for work. We'll catch up on Monday." She yanked the door open and left without looking back.
Delia stared after her, paralysed. At least Patsy had remembered that they both had Monday off. But that was four days away. And Patsy hadn't told her which room she had moved to.
Patsy sighed as she lit a cigarette in the break room. It had been three days since her row with Delia. After running away on the pretext of getting ready for work, Patsy had tried not to obsess over what had been said. But it was impossible to immerse herself in work in the way she could on other wards. Psychiatry just did not lend itself to that. Instead, Patsy felt herself building barriers for coping with work as well as her private life. She hadn't felt so isolated since she was lost at boarding school.
What was worse was that she knew there was a way out of this. Delia was her lifeline. She had already shown her how important it was to trust and love. But Patsy wasn't sure if it was wise to rely on someone so totally like that.
After realising that she hadn't told Delia her new room number, Patsy decided to leave a note the following day. She had then talked herself out of it, deciding to put her own theory to the test. She should be able to cope without her. It had been torture. Unfortunately, Patsy now wondered what it would look like if she left Delia a note after a considerable gap. How would Delia react to a belated attempt to reach out? The nurse managed to tie herself up in knots considering all the possible permutations, but all it resulted in was inaction, despite the crushing pain of loneliness she was buckling under.
Her musings were broken when the door opened and Staff Nurse Clarke entered. "Hello, Patsy. I don't suppose I can nick a cigarette? I rather stupidly left mine at home."
"Of course." Patsy offered the cigarettes and her lighter and watched the older nurse inhale and sigh deeply.
They sat in silence for a moment until Staff Nurse Clarke looked at Patsy speculatively. "I'm glad to see you've stopped trying to be the patients' friend," she commented.
"What do you mean?" Patsy automatically took the comment as a slight.
Eleanor shook her head quickly. "I'm not criticising. Just the opposite in fact." She blew out another plume of cigarette smoke before continuing. "Every time we get a student here I wonder how long it will take them to stop being Florence Nightingale."
Patsy frowned, confused. "I'm sorry, I'm not following you."
"This is not the place for tea and sympathy. Psychiatry is tough. You can't mollycoddle the patients into feeling better, and you certainly can't offer them false promises. They're here because they're broken. And one has to remember that one can't fix patients with kindness."
"That's no reason not to treat them with dignity."
"I'm not saying that either. But you can't get sucked into their heads. All that ends up happening is that you wish you could help them more, or worse, understand them." Staff Nurse Clarke shuddered. "If you let yourself get drawn into their worlds, it consumes you. This job is all about self-preservation." She took another drag of her cigarette and then stood up and filled the kettle. "Take it from me, if you want to stay in nursing, you need to build some protective barriers. Keep your distance." She leaned against the sideboard and looked at Patsy steadily. "You'll never survive if you don't protect your personal space."
"That's a very cynical view," Patsy demurred.
"It's a practical one," Eleanor riposted. "And not just for psychiatry. It's just more obvious here."
"More obvious?"
"It's far harder to empathise with psychiatric patients. And even if you could, what's the point? They wouldn't know anyway. And where does that leave you? Feeling heartbroken for them when they go off and do the one thing you've been trying to talk them out of for months." There was a bitter sadness to Eleanor's tone and she swung round to grab some mugs.
Patsy waited for the older woman to turn round again. "You sound like you're talking from personal experience."
"Why do you think I'm telling you to build your barriers now?" She stirred the contents of the teapot before pouring two cups and returning to the table and passing one to Patsy. "I suppose the reality is that you must find your own way. But I can see that you're dedicated and the way you carry yourself suggests that you want to be in nursing for the long run. If that's the case, then you do have to protect yourself. Even on the regular wards."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave?"Patsy asked. She didn't really know Staff Nurse Clarke. She was almost cold with the patients but none of them seemed to think any less of her.
"Probably because of some kind of misguided loyalty to the department," Eleanor answered ruefully. "There isn't exactly a rush of people wanting to be psychiatric nurses. You might not have noticed but we are permanently short staffed here."
Patsy nodded. I do know that psychiatry is not for me," she admitted.
Eleanor took another sip of her tea. "Listen. It's only for a few more weeks. After that you have what, one more placement?"
Patsy nodded at the query.
"Then you qualify. Dig deep now. Protect yourself while you're here. Don't get involved and just do your job. Then use the next placement to get your persona right. Take a look at the nurses on the wards, Patsy. Really take a look and see how they cope."
Patsy shifted uncomfortably. "Most of the senior nurses do seem quite severe."
"For good reason," Staff Nurse Clarke commented assuredly. "If most of us are like it, what does that tell you?"
Patsy frowned and stared at her tea. Was this how she needed to be in order to survive? She had looked at the senior staff and admired their efficiency but not their manner. Was it inevitable that she too would become brusque and cold? It might work for her, but she couldn't imagine Delia going down that path at all.
Delia.
In a flash of clarity, Patsy realised that it was Delia that grounded her. It was Delia that was her support. She could quite easily be brusque and cold at work, as long as she had Delia to centre her. With Delia, she could cope with anything. And for the last few days, she had done nothing but keep her away.
"Are you all right? You look like you've seen a ghost," Eleanor asked.
Patsy shook her head. "I'm fine," she brushed off. She glanced up at the wall clock and then checked her own fob watch. "I need to get back," she announced as she stood, draining the last of her tea.
Staff Nurse Clarke nodded. "Remember what I told you, Patsy. And when you qualify, do yourself a favour and find a ward where you can concentrate on just getting the job done. You'll survive for a lot longer."
"And you?" Patsy asked bravely.
Eleanor sighed. "Me? I'll do what I always do. I'll buck up, whistle a happy tune and crack on."
Patsy hurried to get changed. She knew that she had told Delia that they would talk on Monday, but she didn't want to wait any longer. Once she was out of uniform, the tall blonde nurse rushed over to the other side of the Nurses Home and tapped quietly on the door to Delia's room. When she got no answer, she opened the door anyway only to confirm that the room was indeed empty. Grabbing the notebook and a pencil that were always situated on the desk, Patsy hastily scribbled a note, telling Delia her room number and to come over as soon as she got in from work. She then returned in a much more sedate manner and tried to still her thoughts as she waited anxiously for Delia to return.
It was hell. Patsy found herself pacing and smoking incessantly. In the end, she forced herself to go for a walk just to kill a bit of time, but found herself returning back to her room quickly, just in case Delia had finished early. She was quite frazzled by 9.30 and began worrying at a thumb nail, knowing that Delia would have finished and would be over any minute.
By the time it got to 10.30, Patsy's heart was pounding for an entirely different reason. Delia should have been back by now. Patsy's mind flitted between worrying that something had happened to Delia and the more realistic option that Delia simply didn't want to come and see her. That thought was almost too painful to consider, but Patsy also knew that Delia had every right to feel that way.
Just as Patsy was contemplating going to Delia's room instead, there was a quiet knock at the door. She opened it to see Delia standing there, her face unreadable.
"Come in," the blonde invited immediately, closing the door behind them and automatically reaching for a book to wedge the door, before hesitating and looking at Delia. "Are you staying for a while?"
"I don't know," Delia responded, her voice hollow. "It depends what you have to say."
Patsy could see the strain on the younger woman's face. Carefully, she placed the book on her desk and leaned against the door. She took a deep breath. "Do you want to sit down?" She offered. Everything felt stilted and almost unfamiliar.
"I wasn't going to come," Delia admitted suddenly. She made no effort to sit down but instead walked to the far side of the bedroom and hovered near the corner, her arms wrapped round her.
"What changed your mind?" Patsy asked, trying to keep her voice as neutral as possible.
"I remembered how devastated I felt when you disappeared the other night. I didn't want you to go through needless worrying."
"Delia," Patsy began, stepping forward.
"Stop. Just stop," Delia interrupted forcefully, rendering Patsy motionless. "I've done everything on your terms. Everything. I never forced you to do something you didn't want to do. I never pushed you because I know how insecure you are. I really thought we were getting somewhere when you trusted me enough to tell me about your past and how it's affected you."
Delia's voice shook with emotion and she focused her gaze on the carpet in front of Patsy, knowing that if she looked at the other woman, she would crack. "But every time something sends you spinning, instead of talking it through with me, you make up your mind instantly. You shut me out. You never once considered my feelings in this. There was never any choice in how we might move things forward, or get through things together. It was just you deciding, once again that it would be better to hide away and pretend that nothing was going on."
Delia did look up now, and her eyes were blazing. "It's not fair Patsy. This has all been completely new to me. I've been trying to find my way through and take your feelings into consideration every step of the way, but you've completely ignored mine. You're not the only one who feels scared and insecure. You're not the only one who worries if we're doing the right thing, no matter what my heart says."
Delia exhaled heavily. "I've had enough, Patsy. We're either in this together, and I mean properly together, or I'm walking away."
Patsy felt tears rolling down her cheeks but made no attempt to remove them. She could see how much it had cost Delia to speak in that way, too. "I had a conversation today with one of the nurses on the ward," she began neutrally, noting Delia's brow furrow at this turn. "She told me that I needed to build up barriers to protect myself."
Delia groaned in frustration and rolled her eyes. "I'm not sure how many more barriers you can put up, Patsy."
Patsy nodded absently but remained focused on what she wanted to say. "As she was talking I realised that too. And I also realised that I can do that and still be myself and sane, because I have you." She held up a hand to stop Delia as she opened her mouth to interrupt. "Please, Delia. Let me finish. I know it's all been on my terms and this probably feels the same, but please just let me speak a moment longer."
Delia nodded.
"I am so sorry that I backed away and cut you out, again. What's worse is that I know that I have it in me to do it again. It's the way I've always dealt with things. I realised today that it doesn't have to be that way every time anymore, because of you. I have to learn to break the habit of always retreating. But more than that, I have to learn that we are in this together, and I can't just put my feelings ahead of yours."
"It's not about one of us taking priority," Delia interjected, stepping forward a half-pace.
"I know. I'm not explaining myself well. I never do." Patsy exhaled forcefully. "Delia, please don't walk away. I promise I will share and work these things out with you, but I also know I will get it wrong. I can't promise that I'll get it right every time, but I can promise that I will try, and I will listen the second you pull me up about it. Please give me a chance to make things right."
Delia turned away again, her mind in turmoil. She had to think. Was it enough that Patsy at least recognised her shortcomings in their relationship? They had barely brushed on how Patsy viewed loving another woman. Addressing that would be crucial for Delia if she were ever to think that what they had really was a relationship. Could Delia accept that sometimes Patsy would hide, no matter how many assurances she made?
Patsy could feel her heart hammering in her chest as she watched Delia. She was determined not to interrupt her thoughts even though she desperately wanted to carry on pleading her case. The tall blonde couldn't help but hold her breath as she saw Delia eventually turn round again.
"I'm not asking you to be perfect, Pats. But I am asking you to consider how things impact on me as well. That you can promise," Delia insisted.
Patsy nodded and glanced at her bedside table. "It's almost curfew. What time did you want to meet tomorrow so I can start to make things right?"
Delia stepped forward again and grabbed the 'door book'. "I'm not going anywhere tonight. You can start to make things right, right now." She looped her arm round Patsy's neck as she simultaneously jammed the book under the door. The kiss was fierce and hard, and it was not broken even as they tumbled onto the bed.
To be continued...