AN: First of all, I want thank you everyone who read, reviewed, followed and left kudos on this! When I posted it I honestly thought I wouldn't get much feedback, if any at all, and it made me extremely happy to know you all liked this so much!
I'm sorry for the delay, but here it is the second chapter - once again I will warn the next chapter may take some while as it is in progress but as soon as is read I'll post it. I hope you like this one.
Chapter Summary: Instead of causing hallucinations the sedative May was injected with jumpstarts some memories.
Chapter 2 - Is Where You Go When You're Alone
It begins with you and Phil. That's how your adult life and your life in S.H.I.E.L.D starts. You both hit off right on day one – you meet on the parking lot, your dad had just dropped you off since your mother was away on a mission, while his mother was the one who drove him, you watch him say goodbye to his mother and then to the car, and even though you find that a bit pathetic you don't roll your eyes at it, especially because as soon as he sees you he extends his hand to introduce himself, you never had many friends but he could be one. - And as the days turn into weeks and those into months and months into years you two become inseparable. You partner up in every training, test and exam possible and spend the rest of the day together as well – alternating between studying, talking and doing any other thing that may come to your minds.
He's your best friend and you're his and somewhere down the line you just can't seem to imagine your life without him in it and that is probably when you realize that you fell in love with him.
How cliché of you, you think, to fall for your best friend, but then you look at a photograph of you two together and the sight of his smile you wonder how it didn't happen sooner – he's a good agent and an even better man. He knows when to listen and when to speak up, he wears his heart on a sleeve and fights for what he thinks is right and for what matters most to him. He's polite and kind and so sweet you almost forget he's a secret agent trained to kill.
He takes care of you and you of him. You both make sure the other is eating and hydrating when stressful times come around. When you have a bad day he makes you a cup of tea and sits quietly by your side, some days you tell him what's bothering you some days you don't either way he stays until you end up fallings asleep against each other. When he has a bad day you hand him the keys to Lola and slips into the passenger's seat and let him drive to wherever he wants to, most of times he drives you to the nearby beach and you two just sit in the car eating junk food and talking about anything at all after he finishes venting, you stay long enough to enjoy each other's company and the peaceful sound of the waves before he drives you back to the academy.
You both graduate from the Academy with honors and you continue being partnered up with each other on missions and the two of you are more than happy when it happens because there's no one you trust more than one another.
It begins with you and Phil. It changes when you meet Andrew. You have just come back from a mission when you two meet – he got lost in the Hub and askes you where he could find Agent Burns' office, you point him into the right direction and he thanks you before leaving. You bump into him a couple more times before being properly introduced to each other.
Andrew is a psychiatrist – a good one, you notice, since he was hired by S.H.I.E.L.D. He's handsome, kind, gentle, respectful and really sweet – trades you later realize he shares with Phil. Things with him are easy, comfortable and soon enough you are in relationship with him and when he asks you to marry him you say yes – because even though you're not in love with him you do love him in a way and you know he loves you back.
(You try not to give much thought to the way Phil's face falls when you show him the ring on your finger and tell him about the proposal. He congratulates you and knowing him like only you do, you know he's trying really hard not to say whatever is he actually wants to say, but you don't dig into it, because he's Phil, your best friend and nothing more. You love him and he loves you, you're well aware of that, however you love each other in very different ways and so whatever it is you thought you saw on his face you dismiss, blaming it on your sleep deprived brain)
For a few years it's you and you're Mrs. Andrew Garner. Phil still comes around, your friendship doesn't really change, except for the fact that when you're not away on a mission with him you're at home with your husband. You're happy – even if on some nights, especially on those when you just came home after a mission, you just can't help but imagine what would be like if you had married Phil instead. It's something you don't appreciate crossing your mind, because, really, you think Andrew deserves a little more from you, but it does, and you just can't fight it when it happens.
You're happy. You have a job you love, an amazing husband and get to work side by side with your best friend, not every day is a bed of roses, but yes, your life is pretty good and you are more than content with it. But then Bahrain happens and it messes it all up.
You divorce Andrew – after all how could you not? The man wants to start a family, have children with you, and you killed a little girl - and push Phil away, and for far longer than you want to it's just you.
Sitting in Administration buried in paperwork for the rest of your life it's not what you thought about when you finished the Academy, but it's either that or get back on field, and you cannot do the latter, not when you see the little girl's face every time you close your eyes.
You wake up every morning to go to work and it's just you. There's no more May and Coulson or Mr. and Mrs. Garner, and out of both, you admit at least to yourself, is the former you miss the most.
He met a musician, a cellist, he tells you when you run in each other one day at the Hub, and you smile and says you're happy for him, and you know at least you're trying, but it still feels like someone punched you in the stomach at the way he smiles while telling you about her. You part ways with a goodbye and a promise from you to call. You never do.
Two months later, however, your cell phone rang and you saw Maria Hill's name on the ID caller you feel your gut twist uncomfortably and instantly you know something is not right.
"May" you answer, trying to mask the dread you feel.
"Melinda, are you at home? I need to talk to you" Maria says, and just by her calling you Melinda you know it is personal; you know right then and there it is about Coulson.
"Yes, I am" you respond immediately.
"Alright, I'll be there in twenty minutes" Hill tells you and you don't think you've ever dreaded a visit from her so much.
Exact twenty minutes later your doorbell rings and when you open the door she's there clad in her S.H.I.E.L.D uniform looking every bit the extraordinary agent and commander you know she is, but her eyes betray her and without a word you let her in your apartment.
You both sit on your couch and before she has the chance to speak you ask "It's Phil, isn't it?"
Maria nods solemnly; her expression tells you that something bad happened and you feel your hands starting to shake slightly, she must have noticed too, for she takes your hands in hers and with the uttermost caring in the world she says to you what you've dreaded to hear in the past twenty five years or so of your life.
"Melinda, I'm sorry to have to say this to you, but Phil, uhm… he died earlier today"
"No" you say shaking your head in hopes this is a nightmare and you'll wake up, but it's not and you know, and the lump in your throat finally gives way to a sob to make its way out and the tears on your eyes come down freely and without you even noticing Maria has enveloped you in her arms in an attempt to comfort you.
You allow yourself to cry on your former student's shoulder and she does nothing but hold you in silence, and you're grateful she hasn't tried to soothe you with empty words – you should have expected though, you were her supervising officer, she learned very soon how much you hated sugar coating or meaningless words or expressions of praise, or comfort for that matter.
You cry until you're pretty sure you cannot anymore and somehow you end up falling asleep out of emotional draining on the younger woman, and she leaves after making sure you were comfortable – as comfortable as one could be on a couch, that is, but you appreciate her effort none the less.
She comes back the next morning and makes you tea while telling you what exactly happened. You both drink your tea, and when you're finished she puts the cups in the sink and tells you his funeral will be held in the afternoon. She asks you if you want to go and even though you're almost certain you may not be able to handle you nod your head yes.
Hill stays with you until it's time for you to leave. She makes sure you eat something, even though it's just a couple of crackers and another cup of chamomile tea, but it's all your stomach can handle and it's better than nothing. She drives you to the cemetery and sits beside you through the whole service.
The casket is open and you don't know whether or not to be thankful for that because knowing that will be the last time you'll ever see him makes your heart break even more. Still, you make your way to the casket and whispers "I should've been there with you" and "I'm so sorry I pushed you away" and "I love you".
You go back to your place and when they begin to lower the casket your heart constricts and for a moment you forget how to breathe. It's physically painful to watch him being buried and Maria's hand on your shoulder only reminds you of how comforting a simple brush of fingers from Phil could be.
You're leaving, your former student right behind you, when you hear someone call your name. A woman, and even though you've never seen her before, at the moment you know exactly who she is.
"Melinda?" she calls uncertainly.
"Yes?" you answer, turning away to face her, and you know who she is because you can see the pain you feel mirrored in her eyes - the pain of burying the man you love.
"I'm Audrey Nathan, I was Phil's…" she hesitates clearly uncertain as to what exactly they were, and for a split of second hope flutters in your heart – the hope of them not being anything grand or anything at all – but as quick as it comes it goes because one look at where you are and you're reminded the only reason you two are having this conversation it's because he's dead and you both went to bid your last goodbyes.
"I know" you say and she looks at you gratefully.
"I was not sure you would come, but I hoped you would. He talked about you so much and so highly." Audrey begins and the bittersweet smile she flashes at you, probably remembering the talks they had, made more tears gather up in your eyes." You meant a lot to him, and I honestly wished we would've met in different circumstances. Still, it's an honor to meet the woman who kept him safe for so many years"
You can only nod at her words and offer her a tight smile and a slight trembling hand which she takes and holds between her own, you can't speak, because you know if you open your mouth the only sound that'll come out will be your sobs – for you should've been there to keep him safe once again, you think.
Somehow in the silence between the two of you there's an unspoken understanding and an unspoken appreciation for each other's roles on his life. Both of you loved and cared for him in your own ways, and at least for the moment it is enough to calm the voices in your head a little.
"It's good to meet you too, Audrey" you say and you both leave with a single goodbye.
Maria drives you back home and you take a hot shower before collapsing on your bed. The younger woman walks you to your door and promises to come back the next day to check on you and you know that is her way of saying she's there no matter what.
She does go back the next day and the other and the other and every day during the entire week. For the first time in your life you don't wish to set foot inside a S.H.I.E.L.D building – it hurts too much. To you Phil had always been everything that the agency stands for and going to work knowing that he'll never be there again it just shatters you.
You spent most of your time in your bedroom – you cry before sleeping and you cry once you wake up and when you awaken you just feel empty, numb. You only leave your bed to use the bathroom, and only eat when Maria comes and makes you. It goes this way for an entire week, and just when you came to the conclusion that's probably the way you would spend the rest of your life, things change.
On the eighth day since he's been dead, the commander goes to you saying that Director Fury needs you – you don't really want to go, but he's still your superior and you have to obey his orders.
You're taken to a S.H.I.E.L.D medical facility and when you reach Fury he's looking through the window of a medical pod. A medical pod with no one other than Phil Coulson in it. The steady beeps of the heart monitor indicating he's alive.
You cannot believe your eyes and when you turn to ask Fury what the hell is happening the director just says "Tahiti" and you stand still confused about everything, but Nick promises to explain everything and when he does you sit quietly and listen.
The director asks you more than orders you to take on a mission and you're ready to politely deny the offer when he elaborates further and tells you that the mission is Coulson – you must take care of him, and to help you with that a small team will be assembled – and report any and every single thing to Fury himself.
The only answer you could possibly give is yes and after both of you settle on the last details you ask if you could have a few moments alone with Phil before going home. He allows you to and when you enter the pod is too hard to keep your tears at bay so you don't.
You carefully caress his face, tracing your fingers over his forehead, his eyebrows, his nose and his lips – lips you had never got the chance to kiss but so desperately wanted to right now. Your right hand comes to rest at his cheek while your left is entwined in his right hand.
As you stand there beside him there are many things you wish you could say, but the only coherent thought that leaves your lips is 'I love you' and you're okay with it because he cannot hear you – even though a part pf you wished he did.
You lean down to kiss his forehead before leaving – you're tempted to kiss his lips too, but you refrain of doing so, you want him to be awaken when and if it ever happens – and when you find the strength to leave his side you do so with a heavy heart. You go home with the feeling of his skin and a promise of Fury that soon enough he'll be back.
You dream of Phil when you finally fall asleep – his arms around you as you breathe in his scent and sinks further in his embrace, the small tingling on your forehead where he kisses you lightly, the softness in which he says your name before leaning down to kiss your lips – you dream of him and the happiness of being around and with him.
When you wake up it's the first time you smile in quite some time because even though none of the dream was real, at least, you had your best friend back.
…
You don't want to go back into the field – you can't – but when Fury tells you he needs you to look after Coulson you say yes before he can even explain the mission – when he does you try not to show you're probably about to be sick after hearing that if anything goes wrong you'll have to take Phil down.
You process everything he tells you and after you once more agree to do it he hands you the files of the agents he thought you might approve of. You take the files home with you, study each one pf them thoroughly and by morning you already have picked the three agents you think fit best the profiles.
You call Maria and tell her the names of the ones you chose, "Ward, Fitz and Simmons"
"I figured you would choose them" the younger woman says and you can almost hear the grin on her face, before she hangs up.
"The woman is insufferable", you think with the slightest upturn of lips before going back to the paperwork that needs you – apparently assembling a new team for your undead best friend takes up a lot of paper.