Heavy Burden:
Lily & James attack had made them all paranoid. They had only narrowly escaped, thanks to James superb dueling skills. The fact that Voldemort had been so close to Lily and James terrified her. They ended up being okay, but they both still refused to go into hiding. Despite all of their pleas, Lily and James had insisted that going into hiding would only encourage further attacks from Voldemort. Doe didn't know if their mindset was foolish or brave.
Their attack had put fear in all of the Order members, they were all panicked about the possibility of getting attacked too.
Moody had pulled Sirius and Doe aside and told them that he would have to be relying more heavily on them than before. They were the only other aurors in the Order, and as such, they were playing a crucial position in the war. They spent a lot of time invested in catching death eaters.
Moody gave them so much work that they were stuck in the office until far too late. Doe's eyes would usually go blurry after the endless hours of reading files and reports.
Both Sirius and Doe felt a tremendous amount of pressure. They were both juggling both work from the auror office and the Order and had to be careful not to confuse or neglect either.
It was making Doe continually exhausted.
It didn't help matters that Dumbledore had asked Remus to go on a mission for the Order. He would be leaving for a week.
" I don't want you to go" Doe said wrapping her arms around his neck. He had a bag packed and he was getting ready to leave.
Remus' expression softened, " I don't want to go either, but Dumbledore needs someone like me to talk to them or they won't listen"
Dumbledore had asked Remus to go and talk to the other werewolves, the ones that lived underground and see if he could convince them to come to their side rather than Voldemort's.
Doe frowned, " Please be careful" she begged.
Remus cupped her face with his hands, " I will, and I'll be back in a week, you'll hardly have time to miss me"
" Rubbish" She told him, her lips pouted.
Remus let out a throaty chuckled and kissed her quickly, " I love you, Doe"
She interlaced her fingers with his and looked up at him, " I love you too, Remus".
He pulled her towards him and placed one more kiss on her forehead before disapparating.
Doe sat in their living room feeling very nervous. She didn't like the idea of Remus being on his own with the other werewolves. She had heard the horror stories. Werewolves like Fenir Greyback were nothing like Remus, they would kill easily and enjoy it. It terrified her that Remus could be surrounded by people like that. Doe got dressed quickly and went into work. I was a little late today and the auror office was already buzzing when she got in there. She looked up at the wall and saw all the photos of suspected Death Eaters.
Most of them were unsolved.
There was a large slash through Rosier's picture that read AZKABAN. Mulciber and Rabastan's pictures had both been moved to the High Priority section.
" Moody wants us" Sirius said when Doe sat down in her cubicle.
" For what?" she asked him, wondering what Moody could possibly want with us this early in the morning.
" Dunno," Sirius said quickly as they walked towards Moody's office, " but he's not in a good mood, did you see the prophet today?"
Doe shook her head, she had been so preoccupied with wishing Remus well, that she hadn't stopped to read it.
Sirius grabbed a copy of it off an abandoned desk and handed it to her.
The front page had a huge color photo of the Dark Mark hovering over several homes.
" Mass Muggleborn killing" Sirius told her.
She sighed, " Another one?"
Sirius nodded.
They approached Moody's door and before they even knocked, it shot open. Moody was scribbling something on a piece of parchment but waved them inside. They sat down and the door slammed closed.
" Good you're here, I have something to tell you both" Moody said.
Sirius looked to Doe and then back at Moody.
Moody took out two files and handed one to each of them. The one in her hand said Lestrange, Bellatrix.
Sirius' clearly read Malfoy, Lucius.
" What are these?" Doe asked him, as the photo of Bellatrix on the front sneered up at her.
" You're new targets" Moody said, " Snape told Dumbledore that he thinks these two are the most dangerous of Voldemort's supporters and the ones who should be paid the most attention. They're responsible for the murders in the prophet this morning"
" Snape told you did he?" Doe said darkly.
" Yes" Moody said his eyebrow raised at her, in confusion.
" Probably helped to them to do it, didn't he" Sirius added.
" Dumbledore trusts Snape" Moody reminded them harshly.
Sirius and Doe exchanged a look. Neither one of them believed Snape's allegiance was to their side, but they weren't stupid enough to question Dumbledore's judgement in front of Moody.
" So why are we getting new targets?" Doe asked.
Moody frowned slightly, " Well I received this information from the Order, so I can't give it to anyone who isn't in it, which leaves you two and Frank. And Frank is already working on Barty Crouch Jr.-"
" Barty Crouch Jr. is a death eater?" Sirius asked quickly, interrupting Moody.
" Suspected Death Eater" Moody snapped, " and since I don't want to explain why I gave two of my junior aurors the most dangerous suspected Death Eaters, keep quiet about it"
Doe nodded and held the file so that the name and picture was towards her and not out.
" You two have become the only aurors I can depend on regularly" Moody said seriously, " so don't screw this up"
" But no pressure" Sirius said quietly under his breath so only she could hear.
" We won't" she told Moody.
Moody nodded and waved his wand, letting the door open for them. Sirius and Doe walked back to Doe's cubicle and sat on the floor, opening the files and looking through them.
" I forget that you're related to her" she told Sirius and she flipped through Bellatrix's file.
" Only in the most technical way" Sirius said with a tone of disgust, " but if you go back far enough, all pureblood families are related"
" So you and James are actually related then?" she asked him.
Sirius shrugged, " You wouldn't be able to find out how, you'd have to go back hundreds of years"
Doe nodded and flipped through the files.
" Looks like Bella didn't do as well on her O. as she made it seem" Doe said holding the results in her hand.
Sirius' eyes widened with intrigue, " Let me see those! She went on to my mom for hours about how good they were"
She handed Sirius the parchment and his outrage was almost humorous.
" That lying little snake!" he snapped, " she failed History of Magic, Astronomy and Divination!"
She laughed at the obvious irritation on Sirius' face. It was entertaining watching how upset he was getting about something so insignificant.
Bellatrix's file was much more complete than Alecto's had been. It took her hours to get through it. She spent the rest of the day and well into the night trying to timeline her life, and figuring how when she had joined forces with Voldemort.
It was exhausting, after awhile she had to call it quits and pick back up with it in the morning.
" The Dark Lord's knowledge of the Order of the Phoenix is not very comprehensive." Snape said at the Order meeting a few nights later, " he knows it is Dumbledore's creation and he knows that a few of the Hogwarts professors are involved as well as many witches and wizards who are well-acquainted with Dumbledore, but that is all. He is not terribly concerned with individual identities, yet"
Watching Snape talk so freely about Voldemort in front of them turned Doe's stomach. It was the way he referred to him. Calling him the Dark Lord was something she had only ever heard Death Eaters call him, it gave him a level of respect he didn't deserve. How fitting that that would be Snape's choice of words for him.
Doe knew the information that Snape was giving the Order was helpful, and she knew that both Dumbledore and Moody appreciated it greatly, but she had trouble accepting it. It was hard for her to believe he did so honestly. How could they be sure that Snape wasn't just as easily passing information about the Order to Voldemort.
Because you know Dumbledore is brilliant and probably has a way of making sure that isn't occurring the tiny voice in her head said.
She tried to ignore it. It was much easier for her to detest Snape.
" So he doesn't know who we are?" Emmeline asked quickly.
Snape shook his head, " He has guessed about some, but he doesn't know for sure"
Doe bit her lip nervously wondering whose identity Voldemort had guessed. Was Lily and James name on that list. Was Remus'? Sirius'? Peter's? Hers?
She had to stop herself from thinking about it. Either way, worrying about it wouldn't change it.
" He knew about our last Headquarters" Deadleus pointed out, " doesn't that mean he has some sort of intel?"
Dumbledore's face flashed a small expression of concern, but he seemed to shake it off.
" He has some," Snape said, " but the Dark Lord has much support and gains his information from all kinds of sources"
" He has ministry information" Arthur Weasley pointed out, " how does he have that?"
Snape looked momentarily annoyed, " You are not honestly naive enough to think that the Dark Lord doesn't have supporters within the ministry, are you? The arm of the Dark Lord extends in almost every facet of the magical world"
That terrified Doe. To think that there were people they passed at work everyday at the ministry whose allegiance was not to the rest of the magical community, but to Voldemort.
" But surely not the minister of magic, right?" Arabella Figg asked.
" Not to my knowledge" Snape said.
" Your knowledge you gather while playing Death Eater" James said darkly under his breath from beside her.
Lily eyed him with a strange look. It was a mixture of reproachfulness and agreement. Doe assumed Lily didn't quite know how she felt about Snape's information.
Doe looked at James and offered him a small smile.
He returned it, looking pleased that someone else agreed with him on the matter.
" The imperius curse is being used by the Dark Lord and his supporters even more frequently, I think it would be worth all of your time to ensure that those who you speak with are not under the influence of it" Snape said.
" But why does You-Know-Who use it?" Emmeline pressed on.
Snape looked slightly annoyed at being bombarded with questions, " The Dark Lord-"
" Would he stop calling him that" Doe said angrily under her breath.
James snickered from beside her, but Snape had stopped talking.
He looked at her coldly, " Do you have some insight on this, Dorcas?"
" I don't think Doe was talking to you, Snivellus" James said stepping in.
Snape's mouth pulled into a tight line, " You know, I am trying to give the rest of these people some life saving advice, but if you two would like to interrupt, by all means, continue"
" Funny, I think you've taken more lives than you've saved Snivelly" Sirius snapped from the other side of the table.
Snape looked at him with a look of pure loathing, " I was not talking to you, Dog"
Sirius laughed coldly, " Oh look, Snivelly's trying to make a little joke"
" Enough" Moody said eyeing, Sirius, James and Doe, " Continue, Snape"
Snape went on for the rest of the meeting, answering all of the questions from the other Order members. Sirius, James and Doe remained quiet the entire time. None of them wanted information badly enough to get it from Snape. Doe knew she was being a little stubborn and childish, but she would rather get her information from someone who wasn't quite so intimately involved with the people she was trying to stop.
When the meeting ended, Snape left quickly.
" You know you shouldn't challenge him like that" Lily said to her, " he'll just be cruel to you"
She was holding her stomach and looking at her with a look of motherly concern.
Doe shrugged, " I'm not afraid of Snape. He's already tried to kill me once"
Lily frowned, " You two used to be friends"
" So did you" Doe pointed out.
Lily's face scrunched up, " Not for a long time, you two were friends more recently. I would have thought you would have tried to see more in him. I mean there's got to be a reason he switched sides"
" So you think he has then?" Doe asked her.
Lily shrugged, " I don't know, but I feel for him. Imagine if it were you, switching would be hard enough, imagine having to do it while the side you've switched to doesn't believe or accept you either"
Lily's words cut deep into her. She began to feel slightly bad. Maybe she had been a little too quick to judge.
" I'll see you, okay Lily?" she told her and walked over to Dumbledore.
He was talking very earnestly to Professor Slughorn.
They stopped their conversation, and Slughorn bade Dumbledore farewell before disapparating. Leaving them alone.
" Ah, Ms. Meadowes" Dumbledore said happily, " to what do I owe the pleasure"
Doe shifted uncomfortably, feeling as though her intentions were written across her forehead,
" Well Professor, I was wondering if you knew where Snape lived?" Doe asked quietly.
" Severus?" Dumbledore asked, " Well I'm quite surprised you're asking, not planning on hexing him are you?"
He was joking but there was a touch of sincerity to the question.
Doe shook her head, " No Professor, I actually thought something more along the lines of an apology"
Dumbledore looked quite surprised. He blinked in confusion at her.
" Well, Ms. Meadowes, may I say I am very impressed with the nobility of your request. Very Gryffindor in deed"
Doe tried to muster a small smile through the aurora of shame.
" You'll find Severus lives at 311 Spinners End, it's in Cokeworth" Dumbledore said quietly.
He considered something for a moment and then added, " but perhaps do not mention to him that I was the one who gave you his address, lest your presence is not well received"
Doe nodded, " You're secret's safe with me, Professor, thank you" I told him.
Dumbledore offered her a small smile and then walked over to Professor McGonagall.
Doe left Headquarters feeling particularly anxious about what she was about to do. If Remus had been here, he would have surely talked her out of it, and if Sirius or James knew what she was doing they would have dragged her to St. Mungos to see if she had suffered some sort of spell damage.
Part of her was even trying to convince herself not to go, but the more dominant part was forcing her too.
Doe closed her eyes and apparatted to 311 Spinner's end. It was very close to where Lily lived, Doe remembered then that they had grown up close together. This must have been Snape's parents house.
Doe walked down the rainy cobblestone street and stopped in front of the door marked 311.
It took all the strength she had to muster herself to knock on the door.
There was a moment of silence before the little window in the door opened, and Snape's face appeared. She had never seen him look more annoyed.
" What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice dripping with anger.
" I want to talk to you" she told him, trying to keep her tone as polite as possible.
It was difficult, considering the look Snape was giving her.
" And if I don't want to talk to you?" he asked.
" I'll respect that" she told him, " but you'll have a dark haired girl waiting in front of your door until you change your mind"
Snape rolled his eyes and she distinctly heard him mumble something about 'arrogant gryffindors' under his breath before closing the window and opening the door.
" Thank you" she said as she walked in, still clutching her wand in her hand. Her trust only went so far.
Snape led her into a small dark living room. He sat down in one of the arm chairs and crossed his legs. Doe sat down in the other.
It felt very strange to be sitting in Snape's house.
" You had something to discuss with me" Snape reminded her.
"Right" Doe said quickly, " well I just wanted to say that the way I behaved during the meeting today was inappropriate and I'm sorry. Regardless of how I feel, I should have maintained decorum"
Snape eyed her with a look of confusion. He was silent for a moment.
" And how do you feel?" He asked.
" Excuse me?" she asked him.
" You said 'regardless of how I feel' and I asked you how you feel" Snape said.
" Oh" she said realizing what he meant, " Well I don't know if I believe you"
" Obviously" Snape said slightly irritated.
The rage Doe had been trying to control was rearing it's ugly head, " Well can you blame me?" she demanded, " you were my friend and then you weren't, then you joined Voldemort and tried to kill me, would you believe you?"
" Don't say his name" Snape said quickly and loudly.
He recovered and then turned to her, " Do you not think I know this? How it looks. I was a Death Eater, as far as the Dark Lord knows, I still am. But I have switched sides, and I am trying to help the right side. As for trying to kill you, I'll repeat myself, If I truly wanted you dead, I would have killed you. I was angry and I tried to scare you out of sharing what you saw. It was over a year ago and I'm not proud of it."
Doe looked at Snape with her eyes wide. He had admitted his wrong doings. It was shocking to hear.
" You've also been a real dick to Remus" she pointed out, " his condition is hard enough on him without your snotty comments"
Snape's face contorted slightly, " Well, he is a werewolf, I haven't forgotten what happened seventh year"
" Then you will remember it wasn't his fault, and how bad he felt about it after" she reminded him.
Snape looked her directly in the eyes, " It doesn't bother you at all? Being with him, when he is one?"
She shook her head firmly, " No, it doesn't"
Snape leaned his face against his fist, " Well, I'll attempt to hold my tongue on the matter, though I disagree"
" That is all I ask" she told him.
Snape raised an eyebrow at her, " So does this mean you believe me?" he asked, his voice slightly questioning.
She looked back at him, " It means I don't not believe you" she told him, " to get my trust you have to earn it"
And without looking back, she got up from the chair and apparated back to her apartment.
She was surprised that she was able to have a slightly civil conversation with Severus. It had gone much better than she thought it would.
She went into her bedroom and changed. She was exhausted, but decided she better go clean up the kitchen. She had been so busy that the mess was piling up slightly. She raised her wand and began to charm the dishes to start washing themselves.
" Hey, Beautiful" a voice said behind her.
She turned around quickly. Her wand raised and ready to duel.
Sirius held his hands up, " Doe, it's me"
Doe took a deep breath and lowered her wand.
" You gave me a heart attack" she told him.
Sirius looked confused, " I've called you that for years, who else did you think it was?"
Doe shrugged, " I don't know, an intruder or a Death Eater or something"
Sirius raised an eyebrow, " If a Death Eater is calling you beautiful, I think we've got a bigger problem" he replied cheekily.
Doe smacked him with a dish towel that was on the counter next to her.
" What are you doing here?" she asked him.
" Can't a best friend visit you without ulterior motives?" Sirius asked in mock sincerity.
Doe looked at the clock, " At eleven at night?" she asked him.
Sirius smiled, " You caught me, I promised Moony I'd keep an eye on you"
Doe rolled her eyes at Remus' overprotectiveness, " I can take care of myself" she told him.
Sirius nodded, " I know that and so does he, but you know Moony, if something happened to you when he was gone, he would blame himself"
Doe rolled her eyes, " That's ridiculous"
Sirius held up his hand " That's Remus"
She smiled slightly. Though unnecessary, it made her happy that he was concerned enough for her safety to employ Sirius' help.
" You hungry?" she asked Sirius.
Sirius nodded eagerly, " When am I not?"
So she put on a pot of tea and took out supplies to make something suitable to eat.