Lima to Stockholm
Chapter Five: Stressors
Tony took a moment to steel his nerves then he went to the door that led to the garden and Loki's chambers. Taking a deep breath he turned the doorknob and stepped out onto the veranda. For a moment he remained frozen on the threshold, waiting for his lungs to seize up. When nothing happened a faint flush of embarrassment crept up his neck. 'What'd Dad say? Still scared to walk out a fucking door even after weeks,' Tony thought derisively.
He took his time as he walked past small walled garden, 'Tomorrow I'll walk out to the pond,' he himself, not for the first time. Even though Loki and Odin had both assured him that the garden was safe, that he'd only been forbidden from it because Loki was a spoiled brat who didn't like to share, Tony's feet didn't like the notion of stepping off the porch.
The veranda curled around two sides of the garden. Loki had explained that the door to the left of Tony's workshop was a second entrance to the study where Tony had almost asphyxiated when he'd tested the limits of his confinement. Tony didn't even glance toward that room. He had been told the door to the right of his led to the rest of Valhalla, to the storied feasting hall where the fallen warriors gathered after spending their days in battle, honing their skills in preparation for Ragnarok. As always Tony tried to turn the knob as he passed and as always it was locked.
Tony rounded the corner and walked past the next room, Loki's personal room, without trying the door. The last door opened up on the library Loki had mentioned. It was as peaceful as promised but that wasn't what drew Tony to the room. The entire ceiling was clear giving the room a light, airy feel despite the towering shelves which were placed somewhat randomly around the room. Tony desperately wanted to disassemble one of the books with their moving pictures and figure out how that worked, but as they'd belonged to Loki and Thor's mother he refrained.
Tony nodded a greeting to the dark haired demi-god curled up in one of the armchair scattered about, Loki waved back idly. He headed deeper into the room until he found a shelf where the books were tattered and occasionally produced jolts of electricity when the pages were turned. Tony returned the book he was carrying with him and picked up the one before it. He flipped through the first few pages, ignoring the runic letters that he was only just starting to be able to read then grinned when he saw a molecular diagram that reminded him even more of Extremis than the ones in the last book. "Okay Rudolph, I've got my next bedtime story picked out," he called.
A woman with classically sculpted features and silver-blonde hair carried a golden tray with a box of poptarts on it into Tony's workshop only to find the engineer slumped over his workbench, his cheek pillowed on a greasy, partially disassembled electrolysis driven engine. The woman set down her tray with a role of her eyes and a small, exasperated huff. "One sleeps in a bed ridiculous creature," she muttered as she went to pick the sleeping engineer up and relocate to the bed in the corner of the room.
Tony woke to sensation of someone looming over him and immediately threw up an arm to shield his head as he pushed himself away. The chair he was sleeping in toppled over spilling him to the floor. The woman watched impassively while Tony flailed. "Wake me up from across the room!" he exclaimed.
"It was not my intention to wake you at all," the woman replied. "If your need for sleep was so desperate as to adopt a piece of machinery for a pillow then who am I to deny you?"
"Admittedly you're probably twenty times stronger than me, what with the puny mortal thing I've got going next to everyone here," Tony pulled himself off the floor and put on a smile, "but you're still way too pretty for me to feel anything but guilty if I hit you."
The woman chuckled, her voice a rich contralto, "Am I? Tell me more... While you eat." She retrieved the tray, "I bring you Midgard delicacies to tempt you."
Tony looked at the fancy, filigreed tray and the box of pop tarts and started laughing, "Sweetheart- What's your name today?"
"Am I so unremarkable that you would forget? I am Sigrid."
"Sigrid," Tony corrected himself, still laughing. "No matter what Thor's told you those are NOT Midgard delicacies, at least not in the minds of anyone over fifteen."
"You should laugh more often. For that reason I am gladdened that I brought them but if this offering is not to your taste-" the woman began.
Tony snatched the box off the tray. "Tell Thor I said thanks, or better yet tell him to come here so I can tell him myself."
"I am forbidden," the woman said. "In truth I did not ask him." A mischievous grin brought her face to life, "I simply deduced. Each time Prince Thor returns from Midgard he brings as many of these boxes with him as he can carry and hordes them in his rooms like a dragon hoarding treasure. I liberated one for you."
"Thor doesn't know I'm here?" Tony asked. "Why not? Didn't his dad tell him Loki and I- Fuck what are we? Not my idea of dead anyway."
"There are rules regarding interactions between ones such as you and those who knew you before death. The prince is notoriously impulsive. Those of us who care for your needs are not to bring up your presence with him."
Tony's expression darkened. "Loki's not dead, or not dead-dead anyway and All-Daddy's keeping that from Thor?"
"It is for the best, the All-Father has deemed it so."
"Hell with that! Their relationship was mess up, yeah. World conquering, stabbing and shit does that. But they were still brothers."
Sigrid's manner became stiff, "Adopted and it is known now that Loki was Jotunn."
"What's that got to do with anything? They're brothers. Thor grieved, he's still grieving," Tony said still frowning. "Hiding something like this is not cool."
Tony shifted restlessly in his sleep, sweat breaking out on his forehead.
"Did you know?"
"It was for the best. You couldn't be trusted with that information Tony," Steve replied calmly. "I mean just look how you reacted when you found out. I knew you wouldn't be able to understand that it wasn't him."
On the screen Howard sat up. The glare he turned on Tony was undiminished by his ruin of his face. "Who are you to question Captain America boy?"
Beside Howard, Maria gasped and choked, her fingers scrabbling helplessly against Barnes' implacable grip.
"He's killing Mom!"
"Barnes is a decorated war hero, worth ten of you," Howard scolded.
Maria turned a sad, faintly reproving look on Tony in spite of the hand clenched around her neck, "You should be more understanding Tony," she said. "After all where would you be if Yinsen hadn't forgiven you for murdering his family?"
"Always thinking he knows better," Howard muttered under his breath.
"Was it so much to want to know that it wasn't our fighting that killed Mom?" Tony asked shooting a quick glared over his shoulder at Steve.
"How you feel doesn't matter," Steve stated. He walked over to Barnes, who had finished killing Tony's mother and was industriously cleaning Howard's blood off his prosthetic hand. "You're always so selfish Tony, making everything about you. Can't you think about how it affected Bucky? Howard was his friend."
Howard nodded, the movement dislodged his left eye from its shattered socket and it began slowly slipping down his cheek. "Damn proud of that." He scowled at Tony, "At least I can say I was a good man when I had Captain America telling me what to do. You couldn't even manage that." Howard glanced over at Barnes, "You want to be careful to get rid of all the blood, it could rust the joints."
"You can't keep something like this from Thor!" Tony shouted at Odin the very moment the All-Father next walked through the door
Odin stared down at Tony sternly. "What would you have me say? That I have made Loki of Valhalla? That I have called him back to fight for Asgard one last time? That after the battle ends I pray that only one of my sons will return to the halls of the dead? You are not alive, Loki is not alive. This is a limbo, a waiting that you may be of use to Asgard before your final passing."
"They could talk," Tony protested. "Settle things between them."
"He's just afraid I might tell Thor that I awoke one last time on that plain where he abandoned me," Loki said. Tony turned and saw him leaning against the the door jam, his arms crossed over his chest.
Odin walked over to Loki and stood facing him for a minute. "Thor truly believes, to the very depth of his soul that you were dead when he left. Do you honestly wish him to know otherwise?" Then he turned and left.
Loki gave a strangled laugh. Then his eyes met Tony's across the room, the Avenger looked shocked and horrified. "You were alive?"
"I hate Thor," Loki stated. "Understand that I hate him, I hated him long before that day. I hate him for being reckless and vainglorious and still loved by all when even a blind man could see what a poor king he would make but he didn't know."
"You saved him," Tony said.
"He told the Avengers?" Loki asked in surprise.
"Clint wasn't the best audience for a story about your heroism," Tony shrugged, "But I'm sure you know how impossible it is to interrupt Thor when he decides to go all skaldic."
"He broke me out of the cell Odin condemned me to so that he could save his precious Lady Jane and avenge our mother's murder. He and all our- his friends promised to kill me should I betray him," Loki smiled falsely. "In return for faithful service I was to be returned to my cell to go mad from isolation and regret. But I did so wish to see dead the one that I had aided to kill my mother. It was only rational to join the battle while Thor still lived."
"Who are you arguing with Reindeer Games?" Tony asked.
"The wound the Kursed gave me would have killed one of the Aesir in minutes," Loki said. "As I lay dying I thought to tell Thor that I'd gotten the reward I desired and I didn't even have to betray him but all that came out of my mouth were apologies. I didn't want him to leave me. As my blood spilled from me so did my magic. I reverted to a frost giant and Thor abandoned me."
"You said he thought you were dead," Tony reminded.
"The war against Jotunheim was won when I was a newborn and Thor barely out of his cradle. We grew-up on tales of heroic slaughter of the beasts but our actual experience with them was… limited," Loki shrugged. "I turned cold, blue, repulsive. I fell unconscious not expecting to wake again. But I did, I awoke alone, my wound filled with ice."
A considering look crept into Tony's eyes.
"Thor put into my hands the means to grievously wound him and I refrain from using it. I don't know why."
"Maybe because it only works if he loves you?" Tony offered.
Loki smiled bitterly, "Yes, the embarrassment of seeing it not matter might be enough to kill me even now."
"Thor cares," Tony assured Loki.
"Like your Captain cared for you?" Loki demanded defensively.
"It was having a sorry excuse for a son like you that changed me," Howard said conversationally. Tony wondered how he could even talk with his nose smashed, fragments of bone driven deep into his brain. "That's why I was so determined to get Captain America back. He brought out the best in me. You? Well, were you really surprised when they all left you for him? Even that girl of yours left. She was always too good for you."
"You'd be the expert on that Dad," Tony shot back snidely.
"She let you sweet-talk her back even after you nearly killed her." In the background a massive screen lit up showing the Iron Man armor in the grip of Tony's nightmare, reaching out to strangle Pepper.
"Your mother died like that," Howard observed. "You shouldn't be so hard on Sgt. Barnes, it took torture to get him to that point all you needed was a few bad dreams." The corners of Howard's mouth turned down disapprovingly.
"I dealt with that," Tony said stiffly.
"Let them see you weak you mean," Howard criticized. "Sokovia was too much for her, didn't want you touching her with those blood covered hands."
Suddenly Tony was falling, control of his limbs just gone. "A weapon with the potential to destroy the world," Obadiah whistled as he guided Tony's fall onto a couch and plopped down beside him. "If it hadn't been an accident I'd be impressed."
"Well, that's one way to get him to shut up and listen," Howard observed leaning over Tony.
"You have no idea how many years I was waiting to do that," Obadiah replied grinning at his old friend and business partner.
"You destroy everything you touch," Howard continued turning back to Tony. "You wrecked my life and your mother's, Charlie Spencer's-"
"Mine," Obadiah interjected. Howard shrugged as if to say 'Who cares?'
"Don't forget my sister and I," Pietro Maximoff said. "You murdered our parents. Just like you murdered Yinsen's. I can't imagine what that crazy old man was thinking, saving your life. As if the Merchant of Death could ever accomplish anything good."
"James was the only friend of yours I ever approved of," Howard resumed. "And now he's in a wheelchair because he followed you."
"You tore the Avengers apart," Steve said sadly as he straddled Tony's chest pinning him to the ground, the shield raised above his head. "You went after Bucky, just l knew you would. I'm sorry Tony but I just can't risk you coming after him again. He's my friend." And he brought the shield down.
Loki stared at the devastation wrought on Tony's workshop in shock. "What have you done?" he demanded.
Tony whirled around and threw one of the devices he'd cobbled together at the wall several feet from where Loki stood. "Everything I do, everything I make, it just makes things worse," he exclaimed.
For a moment Loki considered leaving and coming back as Loptr, the boy was the only one of his incarnations whom Tony didn't shy away from. Then Tony picked one of the more intact devices from the floor and prepared to smash it. Loki caught his arm and spun Tony around so the smaller man's back was against his chest. "You are wrong," Loki said firmly. "The arc reactor, Vision, JARVIS."
"I build weapons," Tony replied. He slumped in Loki's arms telling himself that it was futile to fight.
"So what?" Loki demanded. "You didn't turn away my invasion with an appeal to my humanity did you? Your armor, Thor's hammer, the serums running through the veins of the Captain and the Beast, even the missile fired on your city that you turned on the Chitauri, they are all weapons which prevented Midgard from becoming another of Thanos' thrawl planets. As much as you may hate a weapon raised against you, you love the one raised in your defense… and yet they are the same weapons."
"Obie sold my weapons to terrorists," Tony said. "For five year I had shrapnel from one of my own bombs trying to shred my heart."
"Weapons can always be misused, yes but how much easier is it to abuse those who have no way of defending themselves? My- Thor's forebearers brought peace to the Nine Realms by disarming six of them," Loki said. "Midgard was too weak to bother with, Niflheim too intimidating to threaten but the other six Asgard pacified and disarmed… We kept our own weapons mind you. Jotunheim was the last to fall before Asgard's might and a golden age dawned, just ask any Asgardian." Loki grinned the insane smile Tony remembered from the invasion. "The people of the other realms may hold different opinions but they hardly dare voice them when Asgard holds their very lives hostage. Have you ever disagreed with Thor?"
Tony raised a hand to his throat. "You might say that."
"Then you know what Asgardian diplomacy looks like. A benevolent dictator is only benevolent so long as you bow to them, is that not true? What I said in your world's Deutschland, I learned at Odin's knee. It's what Asgard did to Jotunheim, Vanaheim, Alfheim, Svartalfheim and Muspelheim. The All-Father just didn't like seeing his image, stripped of it's gilt, it's pretty lies, reflected back at him.
"The old man who stood up to me, he was brave but without your Captain's might? I would have crushed him. And now your Captain tells you that his are the only safe hands to hold power. But how safe for you?" Still holding Tony prisoner with one arm, Loki's free hand traced lightly over Tony's cheekbone, "He broke this."
"Stop it," Tony said.
From there Loki ran his hand through Tony's hair, "Fractured your skull in multiple places."
"I said stop."
Dropped down to Tony's ribs, "How many of these did he break when you refused to submit to him?" Loki asked. Finally he traced the y-incision he remembered from Tony's autopsy. "How many before you died?"
Tony cringed, trapped between Loki's hands and the memories his words summoned.
"I can feel how fast your heart beats. I swear to you that I have no intention of hurting you," Loki whispered in Tony's ear. "And you have no choice but to trust my intentions because I hold all the power. There are no Avengers here, no one coming to help you. You've had everything you need to rebuild your armor but you've let fear of yourself hold you back. And now when you need it you have nothing. When you offered me drinks and threats in your tower I believed that I held all the cards but you knew differently. This time you can't glibly threaten me because we both know you have nothing to back it up. Tell me again how evil your weapons are. Are they more more evil than the fact that you have no way of stopping me from doing whatever I like with you?"
Tony started to struggle. He grabbed Loki's arm and tried to force it away, tried every throw Clint and Natasha had managed to teach him. "Loki, let me go right now!" he shouted. "You need me."
"Not if you your self-doubt renders you useless.
"We were speaking of weapons. Your collective world leaders asked that the Avenger accept limits on their powers, that they take up chains of ink to preserve the illusion that the weak can enter into a contract with the strong and believe they are more than beggars subsisting on pity. Your very notion of civilization is based on belief in rule of law, that words on paper can bind people. But when your super-soldier, your living legend did not like those words he tore that illusion asunder. He holds the power, if he does not like the laws he can and will ignore them."
Loki didn't bother acknowledging Tony's continuing, futile efforts to break free of his hold, only wincing minutely when Tony gave in to the urge to bite the arm restraining him. "But you submitted to the rule of law, you made yourself the tool, the teeth of the law when the Captain insisted that he should be the ultimate arbitrator of right and wrong. Even in failing you tied him with chains of regret when the strength of ink was shown to be lacking. What would your kind be, except dictators had none of you stood against him? Your Avengers could have stood together, gone before your world's gathering of leaders and told them that their laws were meaningless in the face of your power. And even if you did not literally force them to their knees they would have had faced the same choice as the crowd that you defended from me: Accede to my demands or face the consequences."
Loki waited until Tony exhausted himself struggling. "I won't hurt you, I won't," he promised repeatedly until Tony's breathing evened out. "You believe me because you have no choice. Because not believing would be worse, you couldn't calm yourself if you didn't allow yourself believe that I will honor my words."
Loki let Tony go and stepped back. Tony stumbled several steps before grabbing up a wrench and spinned back to face Loki.
Loki smiled broadly, "There, don't you feel better? I do. I've discovered that I like you best when you stand as my equal but I won't make myself less to place us on the same level. I am not a civil man. You have to raise yourself up to meet me, you did it before. Asgard is not a civil society, Odin's word is absolute because his power is absolute. The only recourse for one disagrees with him is to meet him with greater power. Thanos is certainly not civil. Rebuild your armor, your weapon and when he comes meet him on your feet not on your knees."
"Right now I pretty much hate you," Tony said still clutching the wrench.
"Your culture claims it is important to be one's self." Loki spread his hands in a self-effacing gesture, "In my experience that is terrible advice if I wish to be liked."
Tony left the wrench drop to his side. "Yeah, I can empathize with that," he said, his expression softening minutely.
Notes: The nightmares are not meant to be an accurate depiction of fact, just an expression of Tony's fears and feelings.