Hurt. Pain. Darkness.
This was Savannah's world as she struggled to survive in an eternity without Adrianna. Days seemed dull, the spring sun's reinvigorating brightness barely coloring anything, the flowers pale, the sky gray even when blue. She was beginning to lose weight, a side effect of not eating, and very rarely shifted. Her parents, displeased with her though they were, were concerned. Even her friends called her out for being distant, though as of late she hadn't been particularly close to any of them.
Finally, one day in mid-April, Howie, Eddie, Melody, and Liza stepped in. They cornered her in the hall after the final bell, not a difficult task considering she didn't put up a fight.
"Savannah," Melody said, ever the leader. The pale girl looked up, and the group gasped as they took her in. Her hermit-like ways had prevented them from truly seeing the extent of her changes. Skin that was once a healthy tan now glowed moon-pale, dark bruises ringed eyes that seemed lifeless, and her shoulders had a visible slump. "We've been worried," the darker girl continued, recovering from her shock.
"'M fine," Savannah protested, though it didn't sound convincing.
"No you're not," Howie said gently. "Something has upset you and we want to know what it is. We may not be as close anymore, but we still care about you, right guys?"
The other three nodded their affirmation, including Eddie, though he looked supremely uncomfortable.
"Talk to us," Liza pleaded.
"Not your problem," Savannah murmured. "My hell to live."
The four exchanged glances. The brunette noticed, but couldn't muster enough feeling to care. Something pushed against her chest, weakly, something akin to shame, but just as soon as it appeared it was gone. She absentmindedly scratched at her left forearm, the healing skin itching.
"Let us help you," Howie pleaded again, blue orbs swimming with sadness.
"Nothing to be helped," Savannah answered, more conviction in this than any of her other responses.
Howie paused, realizing he had struck a nerve, slight though it may be.
"Sure there is, every problem has a solution. Sometimes it just takes more than one person to find it."
He reached out, touching her arm. She recoiled quickly, almost as though his touch had burned her. Howie pulled back his hand, hurt showing on his face.
"Sorry," Savannah said, "not you, just don't wanna be touched."
She couldn't bear to be touched anymore, not after that day that Adrianna had ripped her apart. The day that would forever be burned into her heart.
"What happened to you?" Eddie asked, finally speaking up. "You used to be so happy, so full of life. Now you look like a ghost, act like one, too." He spared a glance at the others. "I don't know about them, but I'm fucking sick of it. I might not really say it, but you and them," he thumbed over at the others, "you're my best friends, and I love you guys. So you're gonna tell us what's wrong or we're gonna find someone who can."
Savannah sighed, still unable to muster emotion.
"If I tell you, it goes nowhere. Got it?"
"Got it," the group chorused.
Savannah sighed, shouldering off her backpack and sliding to the floor. She pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around her knees and hugging them. Silently, Howie, Eddie, Melody, and Liza sat too, crossing their legs and waiting for what they knew would be a powerful tale.
"Before I tell you what happened, there's something you guys need to know. I'm a lesbian." Her fear of coming out had long since be vanquished. After all, nothing could be worse than being shunned by your own parents. Receiving no reaction other than a few smiles, she continued. "Right, so, I fell in love." Liza and Melody gasped while the boys merely raised an eyebrow.
"Do we know her?" Melody asked.
Savannah allowed a smirk to come over her lips, though there was no amusement in the expression, rather a twisted sense of delight at their cluelessness. "Yes, and before you ask I'm not going to tell you who it is. The point is, I'd been attracted to her for a while, and came to find out she felt the same. It was a shock, as we'd been friends for a while and she'd never indicated my feelings were returned. We kissed, spent some time together." Looks were shared between the friends, confusion obvious. "Later on, the same day in fact, she took it all back."
Her tone became bitter, overflowing with pain.
"She said I had been an experiment, a bad one, and that it taught her not to stray. She said she only felt sorry for me." Her voice began to waver, a tear slipping down her cheek. "I loved her, still love her!"
Unintentionally, she began digging at her left forearm, not noticing when the light gray fabric of her jacket began sticking to it. Howie, Melody, and Liza exchanged a glance.
"Why don't you try and talk to her?" Melody asked, edging closer.
Her eyes darted from Savannah's face to her sleeve, which was slowly turning a deep rust color.
"I did," she muttered, her nails slowing their gouging. "That's when she told me there was someone else."
Melody grabbed her hand, stilling the movement of her fingers. Gently, she pulled up the sleeve, gasping as she took in the blood and numerous cuts lining her friend's forearm.
"Savannah," she breathed, "did you do this because of her?"
"And if did? Not like it matters."
"It does matter!" Liza protested. "You shouldn't want to hurt yourself because someone hurt you!"
"It's the only way I can feel anything anymore."
The group shared an uneasy glance. The whole conversation had taken an incredibly darker turn. They didn't know what to do, short of getting an adult involved, but none were too keen on that idea either.
"Have you said anything to your parents? Not necessarily about this!" Liza rushed to add.
Savannah laughed darkly.
"Why would they care? I disgraced my family according to my father, not to mention they hated the woman."
The four squirmed uneasily. If they thought they were out of their element before, they definitely were at this point.
"Well, you should talk to someone," Howie said. "And maybe you should try talking to this crush of yours, too. Maybe the whole thing is just a big misunderstanding. Or maybe she's afraid of something." They stood up, gathering their backpacks and various belongings. "Think about it."
The promise that if she didn't they would find help hung unspoken in the air. She nodded absently, the gears of her mind already turning. Howie's thoughts actually made sense. Thinking back, it was impossible for Adrianna to have been with anyone else. At the very least she would have been able to catch their scent lingering on her or her belongings. So, what was it then?
The only logical explanation was that she was afraid. But of what? Adri was one of the strongest women she knew, what could she possibly be afraid of?
It hit her like a ton of bricks.
Her family. That had to be it. Where there was one Shifter there was bound to be more, and their races were sworn enemies. If she had to guess, she supposed Adri was afraid that if her parents discovered her secret they would kill her, and she could understand that. Looking at it, one lone Vampire against even two Shifters was not good odds. But her parents did know, and yes they were angry, but they hadn't tried to kill her!
Satisfied that she'd figured it out, she vowed to try and repair the tatters their relationship had become.
The stinging of her arm drew her attention and she hissed quietly, for the first time truly feeling the pain the gashes caused. She looked at the rows of cuts lining her arm, feeling slightly ashamed at herself for making them in the first place. There were no concrete feelings yet, but there were flutters for the first time in months.
She glanced down the hallway toward the woman's doorway, unable to force herself into motion. There were so many hurtful words exchanged the last time they talked, so many things said and unsaid. She'd do it tomorrow, she decided, giver herself some time to find the right words for what was surely going to be a difficult conversation.
Satisfied, she stood, giving the corridor one last look before heading in the opposite direction, the one that led her home.
Tomorrow turned into the next day, which turned into the next, and so on, and before Savannah knew it a month had passed. Two weeks of school remained, and Savannah knew she had to do it, she had to seek out Adrianna, perhaps for the last time. The extra month between them had only provided the way for overwhelming anxiety to take root. She noted idly that that always seemed to be the prominent emotion when dealing with the redhead. But at least it was something. For the longest time she hadn't been able to feel anything, so the rush of adrenaline as she approached the room was a welcome change.
She had deliberately waited as long as possible after the final bell to approach the woman, not only to stall, but to ensure absolute privacy. Sure enough, Adrianna was just finishing the last of the paperwork for the year, mainly final grades and the like. She watched her for a minute feeling the familiar pang in her heart that came whenever she laid eyes on her. She took in the way the afternoon sun lit up her hair with golden highlights, giving the illusion of fire, and the way it made her skin glow. She drank in the image, figuring if she wasn't going to have the chance to see it many more times she may as well walk away with a decent memory.
Taking a steadying breath, she knocked lightly on the doorframe, savoring the final few seconds before the woman turned and saw her. Adri turned, a greeting dying on her lips and posture tensing as she saw who was at her door. Savannah could practically feel the different emotions emanating from her as they looked at one another. She gave a weak smile, hopefully hiding her swirling thoughts and emotions.
"Hi," she said quietly.
"Hi," Adri responded, equally as quietly.
Savannah shuffled her feet for a minute before signing and walking into the room, ignoring the woman's subtle attempts to move away. She dropped her backpack on one of the desks in the front row, hopping on top of the one beside it. She crossed her ankles as stared at the ceiling, leaning back on her hands as she thought of a way to start the conversation. She felt Adrianna starting at her, not without anxiety as she waited for her to speak. She remained silent, gathering her words and arranging them so that her point would be obvious. It was so quiet that when she did speak both jumped a little.
"I know you lied to me."
Adrianna looked up sharply, a thrill of fear tingling in her belly.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said, trying to sound as indifferent as possible, though the waver in her voice said otherwise.
"Adrianna, I know there isn't anyone else."
The woman's calm facadé shattered. It was perhaps the most flustered Savannah had ever seen her.
"You….how?"
"I'm a wolf remember? Enhanced senses, like smell? If there had really been anyone else I would have been able to catch their scent."
Adrianna could have slapped herself as she realized she had overlooked that large detail. Internally, she was beginning to panic. While she had missed the girl in their months apart, she had contented herself in the the knowledge that while they were separated Savannah was safe. She knew from the look on the brunette's face that that would end soon. She deflated, her shock ebbing away. This had to be dealt with, and while she still didn't think they could make anything of their connection, she was tired of fighting.
She sighed.
"Alright, I admit it. But you were so upset last time, why are you here?"
Savannah gave her a sad smile.
"Because I've learned that if you give up you never get what you want," she answered. Her tone carried exhaustion, and both knew this was the last chance they had to build a relationship. "I still want to be with you, but we need to talk and lay everything out in the open. Even if we don't have anything more than a friendship, I want to make sure we both feel okay with everything."
This was not the same child she'd scarred so severely months before, she realized. Her eyes held a sadness far older than her age, a deep-rooted resignation settled there. It was not a look she cared for.
She nodded, understanding that a conversation was best for both of them.
"Very well, where would you like to begin?"
A sad smile crossed the girl's features, and for a moment the older woman wondered just how badly she had hurt her. Blue eyes, while not losing their sadness, did sparkle just a tad as she answered.
"I'd like to begin with us sitting next to each other like adults as we discuss an extremely important part of our future."
No, this was no child, not any longer.
"If you desire," she replied, causing a chair to shoot to the front of her desk.
'In front, beside, close enough,' Savannah thought as she changed seats.
She was now closer to the redhead then she had been in over three months, and she felt her very soul tingle as the proximity and the sensation that just was Adrianna enveloped her. Her eyes slipped closed as she sighed quietly, her ears picking up a softer sound of contentment from across from her. She slit them open just in time to see the look of pure ecstasy crossing the woman's features. It mesmerized her for a few seconds before she got a grip on herself and refocused on the task at hand. She waited patiently until the other woman had gotten over her euphoria before beginning.
"Okay, now that we've both established how great that felt, let's discuss why you're so vehemently against this."
Adrianna sighed, unsure of where to begin before choosing the most obvious.
"I'm nearly old enough to be your mother."
Of all the things Savannah thought the redhead was going to bring up, age had been the least expected. She felt a laugh bubble up inside her at that. They were from warring races, she was her teacher, her parents hated her, and age was what she wanted to talk about, of all things? She pushed down the laughter, forcing herself to consider what the redhead was saying.
"You don't look a day over twenty-five," Savannah said, allowing her eyes to roam over what she could see of the other woman. "I'm fifteen. At most you're old enough to be my sister, nothing more."
"I'm twenty-eight actually," Adri replied, smirking.
"Thirteen years. Mmmm, nope, still sister. Next."
Adrianna was taken aback by how easily the brunette had disregarded the age difference.
"But don't you care about that vast gap?" she asked. "People will say things, horrible things, even when you're of age."
Sapphire eyes softened, warmth replacing the sadness.
"Do you remember when I told you I loved you?" The woman's flinch answered for her. "I meant that. I don't care about your age, and I sure as hell don't care about what others think. You're beautiful, inside and out, and I want to have a chance to appreciate that beauty as someone other than a sort-of-friend, okay?" She waited for the hesitant nod before giving her a smile. "Besides," she added, smirking now, "you're fucking hot."
Adrianna couldn't help herself, she dissolved into laughter. Savannah followed soon after, the sound jarring in its lightness and reappearance after a months long absence. When they'd calmed down, Adrianna motioned for Savannah to pick up the conversation.
"Before anything, I want you to know that this isn't some one-night stand. I want you to know that, if need be, I'd choose you over everyone, including my parents." She let her words sink in before continuing. "Ancient bonds aside, I do love you for you. And I'd like to know what made you reject me so quickly and in the way you did."
How was she supposed to answer this? Tell her that she'd lost it because not only had she realized she was way too old for her (although apparently that didn't matter) she was afraid for her very life? That she'd been far too damaged and was afraid of shattering her like had been done to her? That, if she'd admit it, she truly loved the young brunette and was afraid of her leaving once she realized just how damaged she was? That, in all honesty, she was afraid of love?
"Adrianna," Savannah said, startling her, "talk to me. I know there's at least one reason for what you said. I can see it in your eyes. You're afraid and hurting, tell me so I can help."
She took a deep breath, locking her eyes with the blue that haunted her dreams, and, seeing immense concern and love, released it.
"I admit that what I said was hurtful," she began, looking away, unable to bear looking into eyes that were so forgiving. "And I'm sorry. But before I tell you why I said what I did I need to tell you a story." She took a deep breath. This was going to be hard, but it was necessary. If she ever wanted Savannah to understand her then she needed to know of her fears and her history.
"In Romania some sixty-seven years ago a little girl was born into a very respected family. Her parents doted on her and showed her immense love, but something was still missing from her life. As she grew so did the feeling that she didn't belong, but she learned to control it, to push it away. And by the time she was sixteen she had mastered concealing her feelings. She had grown into a lovely lady, and, as was typical in that time, she was to be married.
She had caught the eye of a young lord of a neighboring family, and though outwardly he was kind, something was off putting about him and the girl did not like him. He, however, was determined to have her, and doubled his efforts in courting her. It wasn't long before she discovered that his family had threatened to attack hers if she would not marry him. Fearing for the safety of her parents and brother, she did so. Her husband was pleased for a time, and things were well until he discovered that she had never truly loved him."
'Holy shit, she's talking about herself. She's telling me about her past. Oh my god,' Savannah thought as Adri continued to speak. She wondered what had prompted this discussion, and filed away the birthdate for a later conversation.
"He was furious, for though he had mainly lusted after her, he felt that, as his wife, she should love him. It wasn't long after that she saw him for what he truly was, a monster. He raged at her, tore her down, destroyed her, broke her. Her family watched as she became a shadow of herself, but could do nothing, as according to Romanian law she was his to do with as he pleased.
Another family, rivals to her husband's, were ironically the ones that simultaneously gave her her freedom and damned her. They offered her a way out of her awful marriage, so simple yet so horrible. All she had to do, was kill him. Her family and theirs would become allies of a sort, and she'd be free. She didn't love him, but she didn't want him dead. The elders of that family didn't react well, and soon a war broke out between the three families.
Many died, and for years it was unsafe to go anywhere, to trust anyone. The girl's father was among the first to die, and her husband followed soon after. Afraid for her life, the girl's mother begged her to flee. She did as she asked, and escaped to America after much planning. She settled in a small city, alone, hurt, afraid, and unable to trust." She smiled bitterly, tears beginning to obscure her vision, the floor tile she'd been staring at growing fuzzy. "I don't want to lose you, too. They're looking for me still.
The Vampire you killed that night was from the clan that wanted my husband dead. He had been sent to track me, to taunt me, to damage me further before reporting back to the family elders. To be attached to me in any way is a death sentence."
In that moment, Savannah, who could barely believe what she's just heard, understood several things. That Adrianna honestly believed that loving her would cause her to die. That, in her own mixed up and twisted way, she'd been trying to protect her. That she did, indeed love her. That her beautiful redhead was afraid to trust her. That she was afraid to be loved.
Everything made a little more sense than it had before she'd walked into the classroom, and now that she had the whole picture she was adamant to not only heal the woman across from her, but also prove to her that love could be wonderful.
But at the moment, the strong woman in front of her was barely holding it together, and she could see the invisible cracks spanning across her skin. Her expression shifting from hurt and understanding to determined, she crossed to the other side of the desk and knelt beside her, taking her hands in her own and ignoring the woman's flinch. She tilted her head to face her, her heart breaking as she saw the tears glittering in emerald eyes.
"Oh Adri," she whispered, the two words saying more than she ever could.
The woman broke then, collapsing forward and sending them both crashing to the floor. Savannah caught her, pulling her to rest on top of her and urging her to tuck her head into her neck. The redhead did as prompted, allowing herself to cry for the first time in years. She grieved for her father, whom she'd loved dearly, and for the mother that she'd lost that could very well be dead. She cried because even though Savannah was holding her she'd surely leave now that she knew how broken she was. She cried because her fears were coming true. And she cried because doing so lifted a weight she'd hadn't known she'd been carrying.
Savannah held her the entire time, and had Adrianna's sobs not been so plentiful and had she not been trapped so thoroughly in her mind, she would have noticed the tears slipping down the girl's cheeks, some of which wet the top of her head. She cried for the woman in her arms who had lost so much, who held so much fear and so much pain, and prayed to any god that would listen that she could help her.
Finally, when the brunette feared that Adrianna was going to sob to the point of dehydration, her tears began to slow. Savannah sat them both up, making sure to keep the distraught woman tucked into her side, and began running her hand across her back.
"I understand," she whispered when silence once again blanketed the room.
"You do?" Adri asked, voice hoarse as she pushed herself up so that she could look the girl in the face.
"Yes, and now I want to ask you a question." She waited for the small nod of approval before speaking. "Do you want to be with me? Honestly, do you? If you say no I'll understand and never speak of it again, but think about it for a little bit."
Adrianna averted her eyes, feeling the most vulnerable she had ever felt since she married her husband all those years ago. She began fiddling with the girl's jacket sleeve as she thought, though she already knew what she wanted. The question was, could she actually convince herself to take it?
She grew distracted as her fingers brushed against scars. Frowning, she tugged up the sleeve, feeling the body beneath her tense. She gasped as she saw the thin lines marring the once perfect skin, going all the way up to the elbow. Her eyes flicked back up to Savannah's face, nearly pulling away when she saw how it had hardened.
"What are these?" she asked hesitantly, though she had a sneaking suspicion of why they were there.
"Later," Savannah answered, her hand covering the slender one tracing her scars. "We'll talk about it later."
The woman nodded, replacing the sleeve and hiding the cuts.
"Savannah," she called quietly, feeling her gaze settle on her immediately. "I know what I want, but I don't know if it's the right decision. What about the rest of the town? Your family?"
"That's not what I asked," Savannah said gently, tilting the woman's head so she could look into her eyes. "I asked what you wanted. Don't think about anything else but what you want."
"I want this, so much," the redhead whispered, as if admitting it aloud would send Vampires and Shifters swooping in. "But I'm scared."
"Adrianna, listen to me," the girl began, separating them, fighting back a wince as she watched the older woman curl in on herself. "I love you so much, and I know you've heard it before and it carried empty promises, empty words, but I mean it with all my heart and soul. I know you may not believe me, but please give me the chance to prove it. If you want this we'll go as slowly as you want, the rest of society be damned. I don't care what others think, I only care about you.
I spent the time we were apart thinking, wondering how to give this a chance. And I finally realized the only way was to just go for it. I'm scared too, because not only am I young, but I've never felt this way about anyone. I love you so deeply that it physically hurts to see you in pain. I want this more than I can put into words. I think we both do. I also think it's time to tell everyone else to fuck off so that we can be happy. Agree?"
Adri nodded, though she still refused to meet her gaze. She knew she was right, but that paralyzing fear just would not settle. So many things could go wrong, could Savannah not see that? She could feel a panic attack approaching and knew she was going to lose it. Savannah, sensing her inner turmoil, grabbed her hand. Panicked verdant eyes shot up and locked with hers.
"Hey, shhh, it's okay. Deep breaths." She waited until the woman was somewhat calmer before finishing her initial point. "I want this, you want this. Let's make this work, okay? Or at least give it a try?" Adrianna nodded, still stunned and emotionally drained, but also somehow more centered than she'd been in years. Savannah smiled, pure happiness radiating from her. "Great. Now come here so I can give my girlfriend proper cuddles."
Laughing, Adrianna collapsed into the girl's waiting arms. As she tucked her face against her neck, Savannah leaned over and whispered in her ear.
"I will not leave you."
For the second time in less than an hour, Adrianna burst into tears.