The Pain That Follows:

(James Potter)

There are some moments in life, that if you were prepared for, you could change. Not big life-altering ones, but the little moments that will haunt you for the rest of your life. The night of November 7th was one of those nights.

I had gotten Moody's patronus. It didn't say much, but it was urgent. He asked all the Order members to meet him at an abandoned house outside. It was in an old wizarding neighborhood that was pretty much empty at this point. I had been alone when I got it, having just left the ministry so I apparated quickly, landing in front of the house.

It was in disrepair and falling apart at the seams. I entered it quickly, not knowing what I was going to find in there.

Moody was in the sitting room. The inside of the house was just as trashed as the outside, but it wasn't the house I was looking at.

It was Moody. I had never seen him look like this before. His eyes were bloodshot and his mouth was pulled into a permanent frown. He was upset.

He looked at me with an expression of pure sadness as he turned to me. He kept looking back into the empty drawing room just past us.

I walked past him and into the drawing room. I wish I hadn't. I'll never stop regretting the moment I decided to walk into that room. It was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

Sprawled on the floor, with her eyes frozen open and her hair pooled around her was Doe. It took me a second to realize what was happening.

She was dead.

I felt something in my chest constrict as I looked at her. Here was a girl I had known almost my entire life. A friend I had had longer than I hadn't, lying dead in front of me.

My hand flew to my mouth as I tried to fight back tears.

I turned to Moody, " What happened?" I asked angrily.

Moody wiped at his eyes, he didn't get a chance to answer. Order members were piling into the house. Dumbledore and McGonagall came through first and McGonagall's scream filled the room.

Dumbledore looked down softly, obviously upset.

Other senior members started to fill the room, each one taking one look at Doe's body and becoming too upset to speak.

I should have been more prepared for who was going to walk through the door next. I should have used my everything I had to stop him.

Remus walked through the front door frantically, " What's going on?" he asked trying to push past me.

Most of the Order was already here, with the exception of Lily, Sirius, and Peter.

They all looked to him with expressions of horror.

Remus pushed past all of them heading for the drawing room.

" Moony, No!" I tried to stop him. He shouldn't have to see that. But it was too late. He pushed past me and stopped at the edge of the drawing room.

His scream rippled through every part of me. I had never heard a more desperate sound in my entire life.

I stood next to Moody and Dumbledore and watched as one of my best friends dropped to his knees next to the body of his fiance.

He was sobbing as he clutched her body. It was slowly killing me.

" NO, YOU CAN'T BE DEAD. WAKE UP DOE" Remus cried clutching her tightly to him.

All of the Order members were dabbing at their eyes now. It was the most horrifying thing I had ever watched.

" DOE, PLEASE" Remus cried loudly, clutching her to him tighter, " YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP"

Dumbledore tried to reach down to Remus and pull him away from her, but Remus pulled away from him, still clutching Doe and sobbing.

" DOE. I LOVE YOU. PLEASE WAKE UP" he cried again.

I had been so preoccupied I hadn't noticed Peter and Lily walk past everyone else and make it into the drawing room.

" NO!" Lily screamed loudly upon seeing what was enfolding in front of her. She began to fall. I caught her in my arms and let her sob into my chest.

" No, Doe you can't be dead. You're my best friend. I need you!" she sobbed loudly.

Remus was still crying and clutching Doe to him. She looked so cold and so fragile. It was a way I had never seen Doe before. She was always so strong, and so brave. This was so wrong.

" What the bloody hell is going on in here?" Sirius asked coming into the drawing room quickly.

I had to let go of Lily. I knew this was going to be awful.

I watched the whole thing. I saw Sirius look down and see what Remus was doing, and who he was holding.

I had never seen Sirius look like this before.

His eyes widened quickly and recoiled backward like he had been hit with a killing curse. His entire face turned stark white and his mouth opened slightly. Tears began to pour down his face and he dropped to his knees.

He looked broken.

Lily ran to him, pulling him to his feet and into a hug. They were both her best friends, they shared that.

Sirius pulled away from her and turned to Doe's body. Ignoring Remus' desperate sobs, he bent down and closed her eyes.

Around him everyone was still crying. Remus sobs still the loudest. I moved to Remus, trying to console him. Lily was next to him now too, trying to pull him away from Doe.

I had never seen Sirius look so empty. He turned to Moody, a new look of pure rage on his face. Tears were still streaming down his face.

He only said one word, but the ferocity of it scared everyone in the room.

" Who?"

" It was Voldemort" Moody said quietly, " she was murdered by Voldemort"

" Why the hell was she here alone?" Sirius demanded.

He was shaking with anger. His wand was clutched tightly in his hand.

" I sent her" Moody said, " she insisted, nothing I would have said would have changed that"

Sirius raised his wand for a moment and I was sure he was going to kill Moody. But instead he let one more tear roll down his cheek before he disapparated, leaving it all behind him.

Doe's death changed everything. It devastated everyone.

Lily had forced Remus to stay with us. She wouldn't let him go home to the empty apartment. Not with it filled with all of Doe's things.

He hadn't argued with her. He hadn't said anything actually. He spent the next two days on our couch sobbing. He had become practically catatonic. No one could get anything out of him, and he wouldn't eat. He looked so broken.

I couldn't imagine what he was going through. If anything happened to Lily, I was sure I would have been the same way.

He wasn't the only one who was taking it hard.

I hadn't seen Sirius at all since the day we found Doe. It had been silence from him for two days.

Lily was desperate with grief, but she threw herself into planning Doe's funeral. She had spent all of the last two days, making sure that Remus was okay, and calling the cemetery nonstop. I had tried to help her the best I could be, but she insisted it was her job. It was her way of grieving, so I didn't try to stop her.

Early on the morning of Doe's funeral, I went to Sirius'. I needed to make sure he was okay, and that he was going to be there.

He didn't answer when I knocked the door, so I took out my wand and unlocked it myself. What I found in Sirius' apartment, was even more disturbing.

Sirius sat in one of the couches, staring at the wall in front of him. He was surrounded by empty bottles of firewhiskey and from the look of him, he hadn't showered or shaved in the last two days.

" Padfoot" I said to him, but he just held his hand up.

" Don't James" he said quietly.

" Are you okay?" I asked him sitting down beside him on the couch.

" No" he said firmly, " She's dead"

I moved the empty bottles of firewhiskey away from him and looked at him seriously.

" She wouldn't want you to do this," I told him, " she would want you to live"

" How can you say that?" Sirius demanded turning around wildly to look at me, " when you know how I felt about her?"

I blinked at him in surprise, "Still?" I asked him.

Sirius turned forward, " I never stopped"

A wave of guilt washed over me as I remembered the summer before seventh year. Sirius was thinking about it too. He had wished it had gone differently.

Flashback:

Sirius awoke and slammed his arm on the headboard of the bed.

" God Damn it" He said rubbing his forearm.

This was the third dream this week. It was always Doe. No matter how many times he tried to convince himself he couldn't or that it was wrong, he always had the dreams.

He had been convincing himself that it was wrong for the past year. Nothing helped. It was frustrating, he had never felt this way about anyone before, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Remus was happier the past two years than Sirius had ever seen him, and he knew it was all due to Doe. It wasn't fair. All Sirius could do was think about her, all of the time

. He didn't know what he was going to do. He had to tell someone or he'd explode. He left his room at the Potter's and walked down the hall to James'. He knocked.

" Come in, Mate" James called from inside.

James was nestled in an armchair in the corning of his room, lazily throwing a snitch in the air and catching it.

" Can I talk to you for a minute?" Sirius asked closing the door and leaning against James' bedpost.

" What's up Padfoot?" James asked.

Sirius didn't say anything for a minute. He sat on the foot of the bed.

" So you know how you really like Evans right?" Sirius said.

" Yeah," James eyeing him questionably.

" So, do you always think about her?" Sirius asked running his hand through his hair.

" Yes," James answered.

" Do you, you know, dream about her?" Sirius asked.

" Yeah, what's all this about, Padfoot?" James asked.

Sirius crossed his arms.

" Do you?" James asked, he started grinning, " does Sirius Black actually fancy someone?"

Sirius avoided his glance.

" You do!" James shouted and laughed, " Who is it? Come on, Padfoot. Who is she?"

" It's complicated" Sirius growled.

" Who's the lucky bird?" James asked.

There was a moment of silence while Sirius gained the courage to speak.

" Doe"

Silence followed for a minute. Sirius felt like he was going to explode.

" No" James shook his head, " You can't. Don't even go there Sirius" he said seriously.

" I'm not choosing this," Sirius said sternly, " I just can't stop thinking about her"

" You've got to stop, Remus loves her" James said.

" I know!" Sirius shouted, " You don't think I've thought of that? I've told myself that a hundred times! I know she's with Moony, and I know they love each other, but I can't help it I love her too and I don't think it's going away just because I want it to!"

" Sirius, you can't. I know you, you want her now but it'll pass. Someone else with a nice pair of legs is going to walk by and you'll leave her and it will crush Moony".

Sirius didn't understand, he didn't feel about Doe like he had every other girl. This was different. He loved her, but James' reaction was enough for Sirius to know he couldn't express it.

" Yeah you're probably right" Sirius lied,

He knew he couldn't be honest about this anymore.

End of Flashback

I felt horrible as I realized what was going on. Sirius still loved her. He always had.

" You've got get up and shower" I ordered Sirius, " you're going to her funeral"

I had practically had to force him into the shower myself, but he promised me that if I left he would meet me at the cemetery.

So I went home and helped both Lily and Remus get ready.

Doe's funeral was going to be at the same cemetery in Hogsmeade that her dad's had been at. She would be buried next to him.

The cemetery was oddly cold during the ceremony. It was one of the worst things I had ever endured. I thought my parent's funeral would be the one that would haunt me the most, but it wasn't it was Does.

Hundreds of people had shoved up, including most of the ministry, every Hogwarts employee ( even Filch), and almost everyone who had gone to Hogwarts with her. I even noticed her mother was sitting in the row behind us.

I wondered if that would be comforting to her or not. I didn't know. Sirius probably would, but I didn't ask him. He sat next to Remus and Lily the entire time. He sat stoically staring forward at the casket.

Remus was beside him, bawling uncontrollably, and I saw Sirius lean over to him a few times and try to console him.

Even Severus, who was sitting beside Dumbledore, looked like he was tearing up.

The whole thing was unbearable to sit through.

Moody stood up to speak halfway through, telling the entire audience that Doe was one of the most exceptional people he had ever met. He told everyone how she was the most compassionate and brave person he had ever known. She was the best auror he had ever had and one of the best people.

Moody never spoke like that. It had brought people to tears.

Just before the end of the funeral. Remus got up to speak. He approached the podium looking like he wasn't capable of doing it on his own.

He looked up at the crowd assembled before him and said, " Doe was the love of my life"

He couldn't say anything else. He had come so overwhelmed with tears that his parents had to come and take him down from the podium and sit him beside them.

When it finally ended, almost everyone gathered around the garden and discussed the happy memories they had with Doe.

Sirius wasn't there. Neither was Moody. Remus was too upset to stay. He was going back to his parent's house.

After a little while, Lily and I had to go. Harry needed us.

I just hoped that everyone would recover from this.