The Afterlife:

( Doe Meadowes )

I expected more from the Afterlife. I don't know what it was exactly that I had expected, but this wasn't it. It was an abyss of loneliness. When I first go here, I was pretty much alone. I felt like I only had myself. That first year was torture. Spending day in and day out by myself, wondering how long I was going to be here immersed in my own grief.

Eventually I would see a familiar face. I found my dad and Marlene, but their presence didn't offer me much comfort.

It was a good thing that I didn't recognize many people. I was a premature death. I shouldn't recognize anyone. Recognizing anyone would mean that there was more tragedy, and I didn't want that.

It was a year of silence and darkness, that first year.

On Halloween night, almost a year after my death, Lily & James arrived. They clutched each other and told me the gripping tale of their murder and their now orphaned Harry. Voldemort had killed them too. We were united in that.

But even the faces of two people I had loved for ten years weren't comforting. It was horrifying to see them here. They should be living their life and raising their son.

I had died so that no one else I loved would have to die, and they had anyway.

The next fourteen years seemed like a hundred.

Lily and James made things slightly easier, but it was still hard. They were completely wrapped up in one and another. They tried to make it easier for me, but I didn't want to intrude on them.

They needed each other more than I needed them.

Everything changed for me here on a murky Friday evening. It was late, around midnight, when he arrived.

Sirius strode in with confidence.

He looked exactly as I remembered him at 20 years old, though in life he was 36.

The fact that he was here, should've disgusted me. The fact that he had died at any age younger than 100, should have tortured me.

But the fact that he was here at all, made me deliriously happy.

" Hello, Beautiful" he said with a wide smile.

I threw myself into his open arms.

It was as if no time had passed at all. We were once again the two twenty something best friends.

" Damn you for going by yourself" Sirius said as he hugged me tighter, " you should've waited for me"

It was just like him to remind me how stupid I had been in life.

" I know, I'm sorry" I said burying my face in his shoulder.

" Don't worry, I'm here now" Sirius said patting my back.

We dropped our embrace and I watched as he hugged both James and Lily with the as much passion and longing as he had with me.

Sirius filled us in on the world we had left behind. He told us the stories of our loved ones and the raging war that had started up again. My heart ached at any mention of Remus. I couldn't handle the details. Not yet.

Sirius' presence ended up helping me tremendously. As Lily and James were so wrapped up in one another that it left Sirius and I with almost all of our time together.

The next two years were the happiest I had been since I had been here. Even Moody ended up with us.

I still remember the day it all changed.

We began seeing people early in the day, but we didn't begin to understand the gravity of the deaths until later.

Sirius and I sat by the opening, listening to all the stories.

" A war. A battle. A Battle at Hogwarts. Death Eaters were storming the castle and taking lives"

It seemed impossible. A battle of Hogwarts was the stuff of stories.

We waited for hours as the people trickled in.

Molly and Arthur Weasley's son Fred was among those who didn't make it.

But it was the arrival of the next two, who really changed everything.

It was Remus.

A tired, 38 year old Remus, but it was him.

I froze about ten feet in front of him. He was exactly as I pictured he would look as an adult.

His gaze fell upon me and it must've been strange, because I looked exactly as I had before.

His eyes softened, " Doe" he said.

Every emotion flooded through me as he said my name, like he had so many times before.

" Rem"

We moved towards each other and he hugged me tightly.

When we broke apart, he looked at me intently, " You look exactly as I remember" he told me.

I opened my mouth to say something but I stopped short.

There was a woman next to Remus, she was around my age.

She had short bubblegum pink hair and she and she wrapped her arm through Remus'.

" Whose this?" She asked looking to Remus. She was very bubbly.

Remus' eyes darted from mine to hers.

" This is Doe Meadowes" he said to her softly.

" Hi" she said brightly extending her hand to me, " I'm Tonks, Remus' wife"

I involuntarily jumped back from her hand.

Wife.

I let that word sink in. This woman, this Tonks, was Remus' wife.

She was married to Remus. I felt weak, like I couldn't stand.

On my hand, the 17 year old engagement ring felt as though it weighed a ton.

My knees began to buckle underneath me.

Tonks retreated her hand, obviously hurt.

Meanwhile, my mind was racing. Tonks. As in Ted and Andromeda? I went to their wedding. I had a sudden realization as I recalled the pink hair.

She was their daughter. She was Nymphadora.

Remus was married to the Andy's daughter. A girl I had grown up with.

I could hear Sirius behind me.

" Remus it's so good to see you, Mate" he said, obviously trying to diffuse the tension.

" I wish it were under better circumstances" Remus agreed.

" Sirius" Tonks said happily, " you know you have a new cousin, now"

" You had a baby?" Sirius asked incredulously.

They had a baby.

I could feel the tears rolling down my face.

" Doe, please don't cry" Remus said quickly. He looked like he was coming towards me.

I couldn't handle this. It was all too much.

So I fled.

I could hear everyone calling after me, but I just kept running.

Every emotion was flooding through me. I was jealous, insanely so.

This Tonks was living my life.

I was supposed to marry Remus. We were supposed to have a baby. It was supposed to be us.

Then I felt a twinge of guilt.

How could I be upset that Remus was able to pick up the pieces of his life and be happy.

It was selfish of me not to want that for him. I had been dead for seventeen years. Of course he had moved on.

It was just painful to be reminded that I wasn't a part of his life anymore. That was what my life was supposed to be.

I brought my knees up to my chest and cried. So far I had refused to let myself cry. But I did now. I let myself cry for the life I should have lived, and for the last seventeen years I should have had.

" Come on, wake up Doe" Sirius said as he gently shook me awake.

I was still curled up. Sirius had sat down next to me.

" It's okay" he said bringing me into a hug just like he used to.

" He's married with a baby" I sobbed into Sirius' chest.

He stroked my hair, " I know, Doe, but he wanted that with you. It just didn't work out that way"

I buried my face deeper against him.

" We went to Ted and Andy's wedding, Siri. She's as young as I was" I sobbed.

" You were his first choice" Sirius reminded me, " What happened to you was sick, and nobody should have to deal with that, but it did happen. We've got to accept the consequences of it and face them. You can't spend an eternity regretting what you didn't get, you have to spend it enjoying what you got"

I looked up at him. It was so profound and honest. Sirius was never a philosophical person, but he was right this time. I was dead. We all were. I just happened to die younger.

For the next few months, I spent all my time with Sirius. I tried to stay away from Remus and Tonks. It was better for all of us, If I did.

Sirius and I were both outcasts. The only ones who weren't coupled.

We were happiest when we spent our time together.

We were sitting down in one day, laughing about something when a touch lingered for a little too long.

" Doe" Sirius said. He was looking at me in a way I had never seen him do it before.

" I love you" he said firmly.

I stopped moving and stared at him.

Sirius was my best friend, and had been since we were six. He hadn't ever loved a girl before, he loved to be with girls, lots of them.

" What?" I asked him in disbelief.

" I love you" he repeated, " I have since I was sixteen"

I stared at him, finding difficulty believing his words. This was Sirius we were talking about.

" You can't love me" I told him, " You're Sirius Black, the ultimate playboy"

Sirius shook his head, " I do love you, Doe. I was only with those girls because I couldn't be with you"

I stared at him, " Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Sirius looked down, " You were always with Moony, and I couldn't do that to either of you guys"

Sirius loved me. So many of our memories were flooding back to me, as I tried to decipher them.

" This whole time?" I asked him,

Sirius nodded, " I've always loved you"

Sirius face was inches from mine now. I felt a strange feeling in my chest. It was completely unfamiliar to me.

Sirius pulled me towards him and kissed me.

It felt right.

Sirius and I broke apart. He was searching my face, desperate looking for a reaction.

The person in front of me was someone I had loved for the past thirty two years, I just hadn't known how.

I did love him. I think I always had.I looked at his face and told him, " I love you too"

Sirius smiled widely and kissed me again.

" Really?" he asked.

I nodded, "Siriusly"

Sirius grinned and we filled the room with laughter again.

It was strange how things turned out, how choices and decisions and thoughts could alter the course of people's lives. This was how my life was supposed to turn out.

This was it.

The End.