Note: part 2 of 3! Part 3 will be up tomorrow. (Sorry in advance for this one! Heartbreak ahead.)
"All clear for our lunch date Saturday? I've been dying to try this vegan shawarma since it's opened." Lena fidgets with her new taser prototype as she speaks.
"Oh, right, about that…" Kara already sounds painfully contrite. Lena's stomach plummets. "Mon - um - Mike got us tickets to the ballet. He's been kind of down lately. He needs me."
'I need you too' would surely be a manipulative thing to say. Besides, Lena supposes it is true that Kara and her have spent more time together lately than usual. "That's perfectly understandable," Lena says, doing her best to be fittingly understanding. "We can have vegan shawarma any time. Does Tuesday work?"
Lena would swear she can hear Kara wince over the phone. "We're kinda going to the opera Tuesday?"
"Uh. Wow. Sounds like he really does feel insecure." Kara laughs uncomfortably - a bad Kara laugh, nothing at all like a happy Kara laugh, which Lena is sure can melt icebergs - and Lena immediately softens. "Well, I hope you two have fun."
"Yeah. I'm free next Friday though?"
Lena presses down on the taser. Something breaks. This model still needs work. "I'll be with the heavy metal filtration dev team all day Friday. That Saturday, too."
"That sucks," says Kara. "Not the water filter part, that's awesome. The not seeing you properly for two weeks part."
Lena chuckles. "We really must figure out a better custody arrangement. I demand to have you more often than every other weekend."
Kara laughs again, and oh - the good laugh this time. Lena closes her eyes. The better to savor. "Trust me, you get the better end of the deal. Mike gets the exhausting emotional conversations and constant arguments. You get to take me out to eat weird ice cream."
A familiar warning light flashes in Lena's mind. This isn't the first time Kara has said something concerning. "Constant arguments certainly don't sound very pleasant," she says carefully.
"Not really, no."
"Kara, if you want to talk… if there's anything I can do to make your life easier… I don't want you to have to deal with things alone."
"You, you already do," Kara says, quiet, tentative, wonderful. "You already make my life so much better."
I love you. I love you. I love you. Lena's heart pounds with the words. "I feel the same way," she chokes out, pressing the heels of her palms to her eyes.
"Are you crying?" Kara asks, sounding strained. "Lena, come on! Every time?"
Lena sniffles. "I - I've got to go," she says hurriedly. "I have a - conference call."
"I can't believe you! You crybaby! I'll text you."
"Yes, all right, good bye," Lena rushes, and disconnects the call before she starts sobbing, grateful as ever for the soundproofed office walls. Terrible for an emergency, but perfect for avoiding humiliation, and Lena has her priorities in order.
When Jess brings her in a box of donuts and a packet of tissues, however, Lena suspects she somehow knows, anyway.
But surely it isn't Lena's fault her girlfriend is so wonderful she moves her to tears every once in a very long while, is it?
.
.
Lena has decided she is going to ask Kara to kiss her. It has been three months now that she and Kara have been dating, three weeks since she has learned she's apparently found herself in a polyamorous relationship. She's done some research online, and though she's encountered some contradictory advice, a lot of confusing terminology and some truly incomprehensible political theory, one theme remained consistent: in these types of relationships, even moreso than other kinds, clearly and honestly communicating one's needs and wishes is key.
To say she is nervous about this conversation is a bit of an understatement; despite the fact that Lena has spent weeks and weeks fantasizing about Kara's lips, the warmth of her breath on Lena's face, her gentle, strong fingers in her hair, messing up her ponytail; despite all that, she has been deliberately putting this question off.
If Kara said no, Lena would be devestated. If she said yes and didn't truly want it, if Lena made her feel pressured or guilty or coerced -
Lena can't bear to even finish the thought.
This is Kara, she reminds herself. Thoughtful, strong, stubborn Kara, who surely trusts enough in herself to be able to reject an offer she doesn't want to accept.
Lena remembers the first time she had asked Kara out on a date - it had been so much easier then, still relatively early in their acquaintanceship. Lena had been much less invested, though it seems impossible now, and the stakes had been lower.
"Would you like to have dinner with me?" Lena had asked. And, just to make her intentions extra clear, added, "Just the two of us?"
And Kara had immediately responded with a very enthusiastic "Yes, I'd love to!" And when Lena had suggested the smoked eel cart, Kara quickly shot that down with a vehement "Ohh, no. No way that's happening. Actually, I know the perfect place."
It had been the best fast Chinese food first date Lena had ever been on, even if she'd felt a little overdressed in her low cut dress with Kara in her usual pastel button up; and, granted, her sample pool wasn't particularly impressive, but she really needed no further proof that Kara Danvers is the best thing that's ever happened to her.
.
.
Lena resolves to take advantage of the opportunity presented when Kara and her have finally been able to coordinate a mutually free evening, and her girlfriend is with her in her apartment, looking cozy and beautiful snuggled in a blanket on the sofa, having just finished watching a nature documentary about the Southern Ocean.
Lena pokes Kara in the ribs and is answered with a chuckle and a quizzical look. "There's something I've been wanting to ask you," Lena tells her, gathering all her deep sea creature-fueled courage. "Do you mind?"
"Of course not." Kara smiles at her and pokes back. "What is it?"
Lena takes a deep breath. "Kara, I… I think you're wonderful, you're a ray of sunshine in my life, every moment I get to spend with you is so precious to me. I want so much for us to be… to be closer. Would that be… all right?"
Kara stares at her for a moment, looking almost shocked, and Lena's breath stutters, her stomach in her throat. But then Kara moves, so quickly, all in a surge, and then she is hugging Lena, close and firm and overwhelmingly warm, one hand running strong and certain over Lena's back, and Lena can't remember feeling as safe and comfortable and welcome as she does in this moment. It's a hard, indulgent hug, not a greeting or a fleeting gesture, the kind of hug that invites you to linger, allows you to stay, and for once Lena doesn't need to calculate the right amount of time that would be appropriate, to plan the right moment to disengage. She allows herself to sink fully into it, into Kara, and feel only the relief and joy and absolute love of this moment.
"Lena Luthor," Kara murmurs, hand still rubbing all over Lena's back. "I had no idea you felt that way."
The words send a sudden pang to Lena's gut. Kara had no idea? Had Lena been negligent in showing her?
"Of course," she says. I love you. "I'm sorry I hadn't said so sooner. Kara, I… you're the most important person in my life."
Kara's hands move from their grip around Lena's waist and over her back to her shoulders. Lena reluctantly takes the cue and withdraws from the hug, hurriedly wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. Kara is looking right at her, her face so close, her eyes so soft, her lips - Lena's gaze snags on them and is stuck.
Ask her for a kiss. Ask her for a kiss. Ask her for a kiss!
"Kara… May I kiss you?" Lena breathes. Her heartbeat thunders in her ears. For a moment Kara leans minutely forward, and Lena almost closes her eyes, almost breathes Kara's breath, almost tastes her mouth; but Kara blinks, and lets go.
"I - what?" she says, choppy, still blinking too much. "Lena, I - I have a boyfriend."
For a moment Lena can only stare, dumbfounded. "Yes, I know," she says slowly, at a complete loss, mind racing to diagnose exactly what she could have misunderstood so completely for this conversation to seem so nonsensical to her.
"I can't cheat on Mo- on Mike!" Kara is saying, sounding anxious, and Lena feels distantly pained that she caused Kara this anxiety.
She just doesn't understand. "But - but how is that cheating?" she pleads. "We were together first!"
Kara's eyes widen. She scoots forward, lays a tentative hand on Lena's arm, eyes worried and searching. "Lena, what do you mean?" she asks, softly, and nothing at all makes sense any more.
Had Kara broken up with her without her noticing? Could it be… could it be possible, somehow, that Lena had misconstrued their entire relationship all along? If Lena hadn't been tyrannically diligent in taking her medication and attending checkups, she might have thought she's been having one prolonged manic episode. As it is, she can already feel her heart breaking.
She covers the hand Kara had placed on her arm with her own, wills it not to tremble. Her voice already is a lost cause. "Kara, we, we've been together for the past three months," she says, too softly, so suddenly unsure of every truth she'd thought she knew about her life. "Haven't we?"
"What do you mean, together?" Kara asks, and that hesitance, that confusion, is confirmation enough of Lena's worst fears.
Lena doesn't cry; she never cries in a crisis. Instead she feels the cold Luthor steel snaking into her voice. For once, she's grateful. "I had thought you and I were involved in a romantic relationship. Clearly, I was mistaken."
Kara's grip tightens on her arm even as Lena lets go and makes to draw back. "Lena - I - How -?"
Lena gently pries Kara's hand from her bicep, allows herself to look away. She's just been dumped - no, more accurately, she's just discovered the relationship she had thought was going so well was never hers to lose in the first place. How could she have been so foolish, so presumptuous? Of course their "dates" had only been meals between friends, all their intimate touches and loving words nothing but a natural extension of the endless fount of warmth and kindness that is Kara Danvers. Lena had been so greedy, so deluded, so… so exploitative, presuming to take something that had never been offered.
"I'd like to be alone now, Kara," she says quietly, guilt and shame warring with heartache and intense, unfair resentment. "I need some time to process things."
Kara looks incredibly reluctant, though she doesn't protest, ever selfless and respectful, putting others' needs above her own. "Of course," she says gently. Her hand raises, as if to touch Lena again, but drops back down. "Please call me when you feel ready. Please, Lena."
Lena nods, steals a quick glance at Kara's face, regrets it immediately. The last thing she needs right now is seeing Kara in pain.
Kara nods back, hesitates a few more seconds, and finally leaves.
Lena spends the rest of the night making no progress whatsoever on her latest hearing aid, and probably only making it worse. She falls asleep at her ergonomic work chair a couple of hours before sunrise.