A/N I am so sorry about the malfunction with the document that happened with the first two chapters, I will try my best to make sure it doesn't happen again!
I wake with a start. For a second, I think I'm still asleep. Then, I realize: I'm awake, I just haven't turned the lights on. I reach for the light controls, and flip the switch. Still dark. I'm confused. Then, my eyes twinge, and I remember. I'm blind. I rub at the bandages, trying to dispel the dull pain I still feel. "Don't do that, love," I hear a voice say. Hera. "The medical droids said to not touch the bandages, except for changing them, for a few days." I nod, dropping my hand to my lap and turning to the direction her voice is coming from. I can't help but wonder how long she's been there.
"What time is it?"
"It's around 0900. We let you sleep in." I just know she's smirking at her remark. I only wish I could see it. I feel her pick my hand up and squeeze it. "Does it hurt?" I don't need to ask what "it" is.
"A bit," I admit. "Not a lot though."
"How are you?" she asks.
How do I answer that truthfully? Normally, I would act like I'm thinking, twist my face into an exaggerated expression. But these kriffing bandages are stopping me. And I wouldn't be able to see her response.. I hate this. I hate this so much. All of this. Being blind. Having to depend on other people just so I don't crash into a wall or trip.
Hera's simple question has started me thinking of the future. What I will miss because of two seconds of letting my guard down. It all hits me like a solid punch in the gut. I will never see Ezra grow tall, I will never see him knighted. I will never see Sabine grow into her full potential. I will never see Zeb argue with Chopper again. And I will never see the most beautiful Twi'lek in the galaxy again. Ever. That one may be the hardest. I will never see her build the rebellion she's worked so hard for. I will never see her smile after a successful mission. I will never see her.
"Kanan? You in there?" I hear Hera ask, and I almost wince, because I know, just know, that she just waved her hand in front of my face, but I didn't see it, couldn't see it, because I will never see her again, and suddenly the pain is unbearable. And yet, it's familiar. I feel her flinch, because she knows it's useless waving her hand, and her muscles acted by themselves, because of course they didn't know something's changed, but everything has changed, and nothing will ever be the same as it was.
And now I know why the pain is familiar, because I'm remembering the pain when I lost my master, and it was almost exactly like this. And it happened like this too. Someone who I had trusted turned on me and took away something that defined my whole life. But of course trusting the clones hadn't been my fault, there was no other option, because we were in a war, and the clones were the soldiers that answered to us. But trusting Maul for those two seconds, that had been my fault. It would have been so easy, to just keep my blade up. Or to raise it as he turned. Or to have just killed him while he was facing the Inquisitors. So easy..
And now I remember Ezra who thinks it's his fault, even though it's not, and I wonder if I'm being the same way. But no, it is my fault, I'm the one who trusted him.. But Ezra thinks it's his fault because he trusted Maul first.. I shake my head, pull myself out of my trance. I can't dwell on that today. I have to let go of the pain. Just like I did last time.
I breath out. "Yeah, I'm here," I say, trying a grin.
She lets out a faint chuckle, before saying, "Are you okay?" And just like before, I know she's looking at me like she's worried.
"As okay as I can be, given the situation," I answer, gesturing at my face and the bandages that cover my eyes.
She's looking sad. Before I can think of something else to say, she says quietly, "How are you able to joke about this?"
Was not expecting that. "I.. I'm coping the way I know best. The way I've used before," I say. Yep, that's probably the closest to the truth I can express in words. She's still looking sad. But it's.. different. A different reason. And I know she's sad because she's remembering what I've been through in the past. She's biting her lip. She's deciding whether to say something or not. Apparently, she decides against it, as she stands up and asks, "Do you want to get up now?"
"Yeah, sure," I say, swinging my legs over the side of the bunk. She pulls me up, placing my hand on her shoulder to help me balance. With my other hand, I feel the air, trying to find the door. She grabs the reaching hand and places it back near my waist, while walking forward and pulling me along with her through the opening.
"Mess hall?" she asks when we get outside the Ghost.
"No.. I'm not hungry," I respond. She's worried.. "I need to start practicing Force-sight." She's confused.. "How to see through the Force instead of your eyes," I explain. "I've been using it already, a little, but it's not accurate, and I need to practice so it can get more accurate."
She's nodding.. "Is there.. anywhere specific you want to go that might help?"
"No.. Just anywhere with few people, like that open area by the fence."
"Ok. I'll help you there, then."
"Wouldn't you have Rebellion business to do right about now? Normally?"
"We.. we're all taking a break to calculate our losses.. Figure out our next move."
I nod. Her unspoken words are hanging in the air: Our next move now that two of our best assets are either dead or incapacitated. Because that's all I am now, an asset that was incapacitated. A drain on resources. But I have to be more than that. I have to become useful again. Because I know Sato's been skeptical of Ezra and I's usefulness in the past, and the last thing we need is for him to think we're unnecessary. For all we know, he might not let us stay or assign us to missions doomed to fail. And that can't happen.