Chapter 2: Restless night

Here I was once again, watching the dark ceiling of my room, my back against the wall near the bed. It wasn't the first time that I would just sulk like that in the dark. I was used to being alone, reflecting about my decisions in life… about my wishes… my regrets.

I was sitting on my apartment's bed. It was a small studio apartment on an average building, at the fifth floor. I started living alone right after graduating from high school two years earlier. My reason was because I wanted to study at a University nearby, but it was all a lie. I just wanted to have some freedom, to flee from my unbearable past.

It was dark and snowing outside as I saw from the small glass window. Fortunately, the inside of the room had an air conditioner, so I was fine… but it wasn't as if I needed it in permanence. I didn't really like hot temperatures; I am more of the cold one and wouldn't mind staying at a place with only 8 to 12 Degree Celsius.

I glanced another time at the clock and saw that it was past midnight, but I couldn't manage to get any sleep. Well, it wasn't anything new to me. I was insomniac since my 13s. It all started because of few facts. One, my parents always fought and yelled at each others and that left a trauma in my mind. Two, I had a fragile conscience and seeing lot of Horror movies provoked my mind do make me have nightmares every night. Three, I was a scare baby… No… I am and I always will be… I was scared of dead corpses, reptiles, dogs and anything related to mythological creatures.

Meanwhile, I didn't mind darkness or loneliness. I was used of these for a while now. My parents would have always got home late while there are blackouts. My first sister got married while I was only 8, so I didn't really get the chance to know much about her. As my second sister, we were really close during our childhood, but she started being very distant since she got her first boyfriend. She would always say something like "I have to so something today, Yume! Let's do it another time!" but the 'another time' never happened.

My chain of thought was cut as I was brought back into reality by faraway dog barks. I somehow felt my body shacking as I curled on myself. I didn't like that kind of sound. I just stood there and wrapped the blanket around me, waiting for the annoying sounds to end. I never knew why people loved these creatures so much. As long as I could remember, I've always hated dogs. It disgusted me to see people being close to animals and taking care of them as if they were their 'friends' or 'family'. I really fond it disgusting…

Well, it wasn't as if I appreciated humans. I was a social awkward and didn't really like talking too long with anyone… except maybe that girl I met earlier of that day. The thought of the pink-haired girl going under the name of Yui and her mother somehow brought a feeling of happiness in my chest. Without realizing, it, my lips curved into a smile and the feeling of fear and disgust from earlier dissipated like it never happened.

I grabbed the hem of the cover and slightly tossed it aside to have a better view of the clock. One hour has passed since the last time I've watched the item. I couldn't help a sigh from escaping my lips because of three facts. One, time sure flies like wind; two, I had morning classes the next day; and three; I couldn't get what happened earlier out of my mind.

Well, it wasn't as if I was anything near sleepy. That was something I appreciated in myself; Only 4 hours of sleep were enough for me to keep up. In addition, I skipped breakfast most of the time, but still managed to get through the day without collapsing. In fact, I might have a slender body with a flat figure, but my chubby cheeks were a proof that I was still fine.

I slid a finger near my strand of brown hair and started to tress it into French braids because I felt like it. These kind of things always happened. There were time while bored; I started playing with my hair of fidgeted with my fingers without any special reason. Maybe it was due to few events from my past. Our family used to be slightly below the average and couldn't afford that many things to us, so we had to do with what we had. I rarely got new books and returned into boredom each time I finished one. As to fight that, I've learned how to make braids and such to sometime relieve my boredom.

After letting go of another sigh, I fell down on the bed and closed my eyes as to think of a way to calm my mind, in vain as the events from earlier played in my mind.

"Thank you, Mama!" It took me few seconds to realize that small mistake and I was about to correct it, but the woman interrupted my by giving a smile that said that she didn't mind. My face turned red as I picked a piece of cookie while the brunette started feeding Yui.

As I chewed the thing, I felt a melting sensation in my chest. It was a sensation I haven't felt for years and without realizing that my eyes has watered. I only realized it as the woman displayed a concerned look on her face. "Are you all right?" I watched her in surprise as I haven't realized it yet. "I mean, you are crying."

I brought a hand on my face and felt something wet… Tears… These were my tears. That was a while since I've last seen these liquids on my face. I've always hardened myself and hid my feelings deep inside, be it anger, sadness or happiness. I knew that these tears were from happiness, but I never expected that witnessing these people's kindness would make my heart melt to this point. "Y-you don't have to worry about these!" I force a smile while quickly wiping the tears away, but in vain as more came out of my eyes.

I saw the woman take a handkerchief from her pocket and started whipping my face for me as if I was her daughter. I felt really happy, feeling the fabric against my cold pale skin. That was a while since anyone has ever cared about me, less taking care of me.

"There!" I somehow felt disappointment as Yui's mother backed away after my face was clean, but quickly snapped these thoughts away.

"T-thank you, Madam!"

I could hear the pink-haired girl giggle at that statement. As I turned into her direction, I saw something angelic. She was smiling so brightly, it was dazzling. The sound she made was enough to warm my cold heart. A smile appeared on my face.

"You're pretty weird, Yume-chan!" Yui laughed, but I didn't feel any bad emotion at all. For some odd reasons, I liked it when she talked to me like that. "I think you should use 'Mama'! I guess it will fit more!"

The older woman let go of some giggles as well. "Sure! I have to admit that it somehow made me uncomfortable each time you called me 'Madam'."

I looked down and felt as if an icicle has pierced my heart. "S-so, you don't like it…?"

"No! Not really!" I lifted my head to see another smile on the woman's face. "I wouldn't mind it, but like Yui said, I think it would fit better if you called me Mama." She grabbed another cookie and fed it to her daughter. "For some odd reasons, I feel like we will get along well. Don't you think, Yume-chan?"

Hearing my name being called in such kind, caring and loveable way gave birth to a higher level of happiness inside of me. I could feel my lips curling up while my vision started to blur, signaling that I was about to cry back anytime soon… But for some odd reason, I didn't feel the need to hide my emotions anymore. "Yes, Mama!"

After talking for another hour, finishing the sweets, and took care of the dishes, I finally realized how late it was and bowed at them. I somehow felt a little sad to go, but that couldn't have been helped.

"You can come by anytime you wish, Yume-chan!" That sentence melted my cold heart once again to see a pair of smile directed at me.

"Yes! Thank you for everything!"

I queered the unique pillow from my bed in near my chest and stared at the clock once again. I couldn't help another sigh as I realized another hour has passed while I was busy thinking about these events.

After somehow feeling my throat got dry, my feet moved on their own and led me toward the kitchen counter. Well, it wasn't as if I had to walk that far since the apartment was small enough so that the bed was at a counter, a desk placed near it while at the other side were a small table and few items like rice cockers and assets. I turned the sink on and took a glass that was soon filled and ended up in my throat. I repeated the action three times before going back to bed.

To be honest, water was my favorite thing to drink. Unlike others, I hated fruit juice, carbonated juice, alcoholic juice, tea, coffee and milk. I could drink 3 liters of potable water on a normal summer day and 2 in winter. Also, I liked them cold. I didn't like hot water as well. I just loved the cold feeling of refreshing water pouring down my throat toward my inner organs.

I was now back on the bed, but realized soon that I was once again bored. I stood up and went to sit on a chair in front of the desk. Maybe studying something might help… So, I took a random book from the bag near the lamp and opened it. I didn't even bother powering any light since it wasn't necessary. In fact, I hated artificial light. I'd rather have read books in the dark than to light a candle or a lamp. Some might think I was abnormal, but I didn't mind it… I never cared about anyone's opinion… except maybe for these two…

I could feel like my blood has gathered at my face by that thought. Sure, I appreciated the two brunettes, but I couldn't afford to let myself be distracted too much. After snapping these thoughts away, I picked the book that just happened to be about Mathematics. I let go of a sigh as I turned to the bookmark and started reading about de Moivre, Wallice, Pythagore, Thalès, Euler and Pascal's theorems. Sometimes I wondered why these people used their name for something they found. That was something that I really hated; narcissi and self-centered people who would brag about something they found. I remembered back in middle school while learning history. People would give their names to something they found, in hope that the world will eternally remember them; like Amerigo Vespuchi who discovered the American continent, Watt who discovered the formula of power, Volt and Ampere who found about electricity, or even Joule who discovered the formula on how to convert electricity into heath. I hated these kinds of people.

As some might have seen and pointed out since I was in high school, I wasn't possessive toward anything. I rarely used the term 'my' as something except if it was currently a part of my body. Instead of using 'my books', I always used 'the books'. The only thing I was possessive was my own mind, soul and body. I didn't want anyone to get them away from me. To be honest, I've always lost lot of things since my childhood; toys, books, cashes, notebooks, plushiest and clothes… but I didn't want anyone to steal the only thing that I had since then and still had right at that moment. I wanted to at least keep my sanity even though I had nothing else.

As I turned down toward the pages once again, I saw how clear the explanations were. Even if it was dark, I always managed to read them normally. I didn't need any kind of light. I guess it was my sixth sense that allowed me to do so.

"Let's play some other time again!" Suddenly, Yui's words echoed in my head. I remembered that beautiful angelic smile she had while I was about to leave. I remembered how we played truth or dare while her mother was busy taking care of the dishes.

I did really enjoy our short time together. A blush appeared on my pale cheek as I thought about the truths and dare we make each other do. The pen fell on the pages and I let my head fall on the desk, an idiotic smile glued on my face as I remembered every second we talked to each other.

"I will go first!" The pinkette started. "Truth or dare?"

"T-truth, I guess…" I replied, unsure while fidgeting with the hem of my shirt's sleeve.

"Then tell me, how old are you and what do you do in life, Yume-chan?"

"I am 23 and a second year at University. I decided to study Industrial techniques and Computer science."

"Wow! Really!" I could see stars in the young girl's eyes. "So, you are really good in Mathematics and such?"

"W-well…" I could feel my face reddened at the intense yet admiration stare she was giving me, and I tried to avoid direct eye contact. "I… guess I am average in Mathematics, Electricity and Nuclear science. I am a little above average in Industrial Schema Techniques Theorems and English… But I am really bad at Japanese, Chemistry, Mechanics and Industrial Schema Application."

I could see the look of confusion she was giving me. I kind of understood since by her look, she might as well have still been in middle school or high school… before her accident of course. Her mother told me earlier how she got into a car accident and lost any ability to move because of her damaged backbone.

"Wow!"

"A-anyway," I finally lifted my head and decided to turn the conversation elsewhere, "I… I guess it's my turn now… T-truth or dare?"

"Dare all the way!"

I was taken aback by that reply. I expected her to take truth because of her condition, but one thing was for sure, this girl was something. "T-then, w-wink at me!" I tried my best to not blush even more, but in vain.

She did as she was told and I could feel my heart melting so much that I had the felling like the cold due to loneliness that invaded it were all gone. I felt like I saw her wearing a beautiful white dress, white feathers wings on her back and an areola floating above her head… I was definitely too gay for these kinds of thing.

"Good!" I was brought back into reality as the younger girl spoke in her usual pitchy yet gentle voice. "Now, truth or dare, Yume-chan?"

It was only the second round and I was already such a mess. I didn't know if I could still stay alive until the end, but quickly snapped that fear away while seeing her comforting smile. At the point I was right then, better have acted it and enjoy the present to the fullest.

I lifted my head to see the first ray of light as the sun started to rise at the horizon thought the glass window. In the final, I didn't manage to get any sleep nor study done. Normally, I should have felt regretful or disappointed, but for some odd reasons, I was… how do I say it… happy. Maybe happy because I've got the chance to meet wonderful people… Maybe I was happy to know that I might still have another chance to meet them once again.

I placed my hand on my chest and felt my heartbeat fastening as I though of what we could do next while meeting again. "Yui…" As I mumbled her name, my face was warmer once again. There was always that good feeling deep inside of my chest each time I thought about that little girl.

I was brought back into reality after hearing a sound that came from the clock. It was an alarm I set the night before to help me wake up in time, but it seemed like it wasn't really needed.

I stood up from the chair and walked at the counter to grab a glass of fresh water and a loaf of bread. I somehow still managed to stop by a 24/7 market the night before while on my way home and could afford few things.

While chewing the thing though, I had another thought. "W-what am I thinking about? I know it is impossible! These forbidden desires should just be kept deep inside. I can't afford to do such selfish thing." Sure enough, I wanted to be closer to the pinkette, but because of public morals and such – because of our genders and age difference – I might as well have given up.

Well, it wasn't as if it was the first time that I encountered such problem. As long as I could remember, I was always into girls, but hid that personality deep inside. There were times I felt something – that might actually be crushes – toward some former classmates, but these always ended up badly. For most of them, I decided to remain silent and watched them being taken away by others as I watched my missed chance, regrets feeling my soul. For some other in which I had the courage to confess, they laughed at my face, pointing accusing finger at me and spreading rumor about my abnormal sexuality. Sure enough, I never managed to get any friend after that… And on top of that, my family wasn't that happy while hearing about their daughter being into girls. While Father and my second Sister scowled me for hours, my first Sister and Mother confiscated most of my belongings.

"She's not normal!" "Weirdo!" "Lesbians should go to hell!" "Do not dare get near us!" I was used to these kinds of insults in high school.

I was my most fatal error. It all happened after reading my first romance book that I gained enough confidence to confess to an upperclassman. I was a first year at that time and the girl I had a crush one was one year ahead. I always thought that she was the kind type, but apparently, I was wrong. As if insulting me while giving a heartbreaking reply was enough, she spread flyers and such to totally break my family's reputation the next day. On top of that, she made more fun of me by starting to go out with the disciplinary comity vice president as to shower me with a rain of shame bullet once again.

I let go of another sigh after swallowing the bread and walked near the desk to grab the bag. I made sure that everything was in order and headed toward the exit. "I wonder how thing will turn out… Will I be pushed aback once again… or perhaps… just perhaps… will I find what real happiness is…"