The Acquisition of Memories

by BorneToFlow

Embarking on their honeymoon, Charles and Elsie begin to process the events of their wedding day and those leading up to it. A series of internal reflections; lengthy, fun & sometimes in-depth conversations; &, interspersed with requisite amounts of playful holiday fun & honeymoon adult times. From Ch19 rating is a tasteful but strong M. Some S5/6 JF canon is blissfully ignored.

25. Chapter 25-Reflections

The Acquisition of Memories. Chapter 25- Reflections

A/N 1: My head canon reminders-

-Elsie is not a pauper, so Charles and Elsie have been slowly arranging their investment property for retirement as equal partners in a little guest house prior to Charles actually finding the time and nerve to actually propose marriage.

-Thomas has attempted his 'treatment', but has not been driven to suicide yet.

-Mary has been through the Gillingham mess, but I prefer to keep visions of Talbot out of this story- I think Mary should remain single, and quite frankly- Talbot was boring. Mary strikes me as being able to live more like a haughty and fashionable Aunt Rosamund type in the country seat, ushering in the new age for the sake of young Master Crawley in the future- but also being useful for a change and actively running the estate after Lady and Lord Grantham downsize and step back for Roberts better health.

-Banna are probably about to have a baby, but it does not feature in this chapter as an issue as yet.

... I think those are the key points at the moment.

A/N 2: I have a feeling that they will be late for dinner at the Ritz for 8pm! This chapter is very heavy on conversation. But, meh...- they can ring ahead and adjust the booking if needed!- a few links and reference notes will be at the bottom again.

A/N 3: All of the sights Charles and Elsie are visiting together today would probably only equate to 3-4 kilometres of walking by streets, from my rough reckoning on Google maps. Easy stuff for our heroes on any given day- if they were walking to the village and back, for example. But they are a little tired from last night and the morning in bed, I figure, and traipsing around galleries and the like is quite a lot of mileage for most people, so they have been treated to the wonders of London public transport system in 1926 instead- they are on holiday after all!

A/N 4: Many thanks must go to the excellent DA FF writer Edward Carson, for his fiction entitled 'Fear and Loathing'. Many themes regarding Thomas, and also Carson's response to who Thomas is and which I discuss in this fiction in my own sort of way, has been influenced by Edward Carson's piece. I hope i have not inadvertently stolen turns of phrase from this work, but i certainly recognise the similarity of approach I have taken to Elsie and Charles discussing such issues. Anyway- go and read Edward Carson's piece!

Enjoy!

CECECECECE

Downton has always been enough for me… your friendship has always been enough for me, Charles… and now I find that I am just lucky enough to have been given even more than I could ever have hoped for in this life- with you Charles. I have been truly blessed in my life with you, and I have no regrets anymore, Charles- not one. That is what I wanted you to know. That is all."

Charles' heart is full. That he has even managed to listen to all of Elsie's honesty without tears falling from his eyes astounds him, for his emotions with regards to her are so raw and real and readily accessible nowadays, like they are always running riot and rising up through his very skin, and such that he feels all of his control vanish in the overwhelming lightness and brightness of it all. He cannot speak. And though it is not something that Charles would ever have thought he would do in a public place, he grips ever tighter to her hands and leans in close to Elsie's face and kisses her very tenderly upon the lips, for in that moment, what else could he possibly say?

CECECECECE

Silently they rise and walk, Elsie's hand is once more resting in Charles' arm, side by side with the Yorkshireman she loves, they both look long at Elsie's painting of the Yorkshire that they know and love. Side by side- and, just as he had once done for her, Elsie helps him to see and appreciate the storms and the sheer light of life that shapes them and changes them once more.

CECECECECE

It is now late afternoon and in unspoken agreement, Charles and Elsie slowly make their way from the gallery and out into the bright sunshine near the Thames. Seeing a street cart selling some hot bakery items, Charles makes a suggestion.

"Mrs Carson, it is still quite a few more hours until our dinner, would you like something to eat in order to tide us over until then? Then we could take the omnibus over to the Embankment Gardens. I should very much like to see that sculpture with you before the light starts to fade too much."

"Well just something little- perhaps we could share something."

Charles buys them a Cornish pasty and breaks it in half for them. They wander a little along the embankment, and, uncommonly for them, they eat as they walk, watching the bustle of the river as the tide of the Thames slides silently away and rapidly lowers before their eyes, content in each other's silent company. Elsie senses that Charles is mulling on something- and quite deeply, but she knows him well enough not to press him yet. He will come to her when he is ready, of that she is certain. He just offers his handkerchief for Elsie to dust the crumbs from her hands, and which she then uses to swipe lightly at some errant crumbs near his own mouth. He smiles lightly at her loving care for him.

They make their way to the bus stop, and on the way past the gallery once more, Elsie sees another street vendor selling ices. She motions her head in that direction and raises a querying eyebrow.

"We could sit at the top of the bus, Charles, to see the Abbey and Big Ben from there, and I think I should like to share an icecream with you on the way."

Charles smiles at her. "Why not, my dear, you only live once, as they say."

"And we can afford to live well today I think, Mr Carson" Elsie finishes, smiling sweetly at him.

Once they have a vanilla wafer in hand and are seated at the top of the open bus that will take them up the Millbank Road, past the Lambeth Bridge and the Houses of Parliament, the Westminster Bridge and on to the Victoria Embankment Gardens, Elsie leans into Charles just a little more. He is still silently thoughtful and she worries that her words earlier may have unsettled him in some way. She cannot make him out at the moment and all she can offer is the surety of her presence when he is ready.

As the bus rolls past the splendour and immensity of Westminster Abbey, the peal of bells announcing the start of the Evensong service, followed closely by the bright calling of the hour from the tower of Big Ben jolts Charles out of his reverie. It is so very loud when up so close! They smile in wonder at each other. It is a glorious day to be alive and they can feel the very sound of life in the air reverberating through their bodies as they roll past these hard hewn symbols of human praise to something bigger than can ever be fully comprehended in this life. But Elsie and Charles both feel that the very paragon of animals has at least put in quite a laudable showing of its awe of the Lord above in the shape of these fine buildings.

The final thudding, shining ring of the hour vibrates through their bones and settles in a humming shroud around them, battening down Charles' thoughts into his visage once more. Elsie is left wondering again at what he is currently pondering. He is not sad, at least… not exactly, she thinks, but he is certainly worrying on something.

Quietly, she decides to probe him a little."What is it, Charles? What are you thinking on?"

"Hmm..? Oh.. nothing… perhaps… perhaps when we get to the gardens, hmm?...I will tell you."

She cocks an eyebrow at him but says nothing. She just leans a little more into him and tucks her hand into the crook of his arm once again, squeezing lightly at his sinewy muscles beneath his grey day suit as she looks out across the bridge of Westminster and at the statue of Boadicea and her daughters^...Boudicea, whom he had once compared her to...or at least warned her off becoming- when he thought her foolish for keeping secrets and trying to fight the domination of evil men with too small an army- all on her own it had seemed at the time- and all to protect her lass. But Charles was always on her side- even then. And Elsie knows she will always be on his side. He says he will tell her- and he always has- in the end. He has revealed many of his secrets to her- and often times quicker than she herself has been able to reveal her own. Now she hardly even needs to push him. She feels proud to hold his trust. And he will come to her- he has said so, and his word is good.

Elsie settles a little easier for the statues solid reminder to her that they can always come to each other in their need. They always have- in the end. They will face whatever trouble is fomenting in Charles' mind together. And so Elsie stills as she watches the bustle of life keep roll by on the river and the roads.

CECECECECE

Charles assists Elsie down the steep step from the top of the bus as they alight at the Victoria Embankment Gardens. As they silently head towards the York Watergate, they pass an army band playing in the bandstand. Some families are seated around to listen. A few couples dance to the tunes that will allow it, including a father in his Sunday best, with medals on his chest, leading his tentative young daughter around, teaching her gently how to relax into the music and improve her skills on that front. The man looks incredibly proud of his future debutante and it warms Charles and Elsie's hearts with gladness to see at that at least some young men have returned from the war relatively unharmed and able to share in the cycles of life once more.

"Perhaps we might have time for a turn ourselves later, Mr Carson" Elsie asks tentatively.

"Hmm…perhaps." His reply is distracted.

More firmly, Elsie nudges at his arm, "Come on now, Mr Carson, show me that sculpture of yours, and let us sit down so that you can tell me what has made you so pensive."

"Hmmph" is his only reply.

They veer away from the bandstand and head north, meandering along the paths in search of the monument, for Charles has not been here since it was moved from Piccadilly and is not actually sure how far into the gardens it is. It is a large piece, of course, and so it does not take them long to come across it. They stop at some distance from it and look up at it.

"Eros, the Greek god of love." Elsie nudges playfully into his arm. "You really are a bit of a romantic aren't you, Charles?"

"No, not Eros, Elsie, although it is commonly mistaken for him. It is actually Anteros, his brother. You will see his wings are more butterfly-like, and in most representations he has longer hair when compared to Eros."

Elsie eyes the sculpture a bit more closely and waits for Charles to go on.

"I actually read up on it a little when the monument was first unveiled. Anteros is seen, in Christian terms, as the God of Selfless Love, which is why it was chosen to commemorate the works of the 7th Earl of Shaftesbury, for what he did for improving the conditions of the poor and child workers and the like… You see, I also attended the 6th Earl once when he travelled to Lord Shaftesbury's country seat in Dorset, and several times to London when the Earls sat at the House of Lords, before you first came to Downton, Elsie. Lord Shaftesbury was quite old by then, but still a tireless worker."

"I do forget sometimes how much of the inner workings of the nation you have seen because of your work Charles. Lord!- even I have had an audience with the Prince of Wales because of you now! It still boggles my mind!... I am sure you have many, many tales to tell, Charles."

"True enough, Elsie, but you know as well as I that it has rarely been our place to tell them to others. I do recall Lord Shaftesbury as a kind man though, Elsie, akin to the Granthams in his approach to the support of the common man, and I feel he was very deserving of such a monument to his works." Charles snuffs out the smallest of laughs, "It is funny the things you remember, though, Els. I recall being in attendance and Lord Shaftebury spoke very fondly indeed, and on more than one occasion, of his childhood housekeeper, umm..a ..let me think… a Mrs..Millis… yes, that's it- and he still referred to her by that name too, even after all those years… but she must have been long dead by then. He brought her up in some conversations they were having about the law reforms they were working on to curb the opium trade with Asia…and as he was arguing that the devil was in the drug, not in the person that may succumb to using it due to their poor conditions in life- which is where others in the debate were laying the blame and responsibility- they really were just trying to bolster their financial interests in something so very evil, I think. Anyway, I think Mrs Millis must have had much to do with Lord Shaftesbury's upbringing back in those days, for….he.. he talked of how she taught him about Christian love, and that it was not their place to judge their fellow man. Lord Shaftesbury, it seems, took this to mean that it was the role of the peerage to ensure the best conditions for living that they could for others, given their positions of privilege to do so."

"Noble sentiments, indeed, Mr Carson."

"True, but, really, I just think it goes to show the vital importance of having a good housekeeper in your life, don't you think, Mrs Hughes?" And his eyes shine into hers with complete love, and just a little wryness. Elsie eyes smile her appreciation and she squeezes his hand, wanting him to go on.

"Well, I do know just a little bit of the story of Anteros, Charles. He is meant to be the reflective side of Eros, is he not?"

Charles smiles towards Elsie. He is proud and pleased that she is so well read- that they can speak as easy equals about these points of myth and history, filling in little gaps of understanding for one another as needed.

"Yes, reflective and selfless and mature, whereas Eros is seen as the younger, more frivolous and sensual kind of love. The Greek Gods made Anteros as a playmate for Eros, so the myth goes, for it was felt that for love to prosper it must be reciprocated. Anteros was born to balance Eros, to allow for the fact that true love should not be tyrannical in intent nor can it thrive if it is unrequited- that it should be reflected back in equal measure… so Anteros is the God of Requited Love, really…." He pauses for a while. "I must say that I am most grateful for the access we have had to His Lordships library, for you know that he read Philosophy at Oxford, and so his collection in that area is quite broad indeed. At the time I looked up all this information about the monument, it allowed me to find some words that Plato is to have said about it, and I guess your words to me in the gallery have brought them all back to me, Elsie,… brought it all into sharper focus…so that I can understand it better now than I once did…Hmm… Shall we sit?"

Charles motions to a nearby bench still graced with some remaining bright shards of sunlight filtering thoughts the trees. Elsie nods her agreement, glad that he has actually opened up to her, but still a little surprised at the depth of his interest in the sculpture and the stories of Greek mythology. They settle close to one another once more, forming their own private space in public that has become so easy for them now that they know they will not be interrupted by the needs of anyone else or by anyone known to them.

"Go on Charles, what of Plato's words then?" she prompts him.

Charles speak quietly and softly to her. "Well,… Plato explained the nature of the emotion that Anteros is meant to represent as being the result of great love for another… that… beauty… inspires and fills the lover with a divine love, and that in turn fills the soul of the beloved with love in return- …so…it is…a counter-love." Elsie's eyes are glimmering as she looks on Charles face, but she is holding her breath as he still looks towards the statue and continues. "So, as a result, the loved one falls in love with the lover, though that love is only spoken of as …as friendship, Elsie." And he turns to her then, his eyes shining too. His voice is rasped, "and they experience pain when the two are apart, and relief when they are together… the mirror image of the lover's feelings*… and that is Anteros…and… and…Elsie, that is really how I felt when I was about to go to Haxby." He looks down at their joined hands then, trying to hold his emotions in check once more. "Yes I regretted having to leave Downton, but more so, I desperately regretted having to leave you then, Mrs Hughes, …it was always you, and I truly know that now… and it is the same every year when I have to come to London and be away from you, Elsie."*

"Oh Charles, "she whispers as some tears actually do trail down her cheeks, "me too, you old Booby," and she shakingly draws in a laugh to try to control her overflowing emotions and her brogue is thick with it "you really are the world's biggest romantic, I've no doubt of it now." And she ducks her head a little in order to give him her watery, smiling eyes, filled with all of her heart as she raises her hand up to cup the side of his face, brushing a small tear from the corner of his eye.

He is looking down at their hands once more and he surprises her when he barrels onward with his thoughts.

"But there is more to it now Elsie…I… I am tired of it. I am old and I am just so very tired of it all and I just don't want to do it anymore." He sound so broken. "And unlike you, I do have some regrets still… that I could not tell you sooner how I love you, and especially that I did not find the courage to ask you to marry me earlier- especially after our day at the beach. Why did I leave it for two minutes more, let alone for over two years? I kick myself for it. I am tired for all the things I have missed out on, and that I couldn't, in some way, have had that younger love with you too…"

She abruptly cuts him off. "Now you listen to me, Charles Carson," she states firmly, "if the last twenty-four hours should have taught us anything, it is that we most certainly have not missed out on that love that Eros is meant to represent!" And she smiles broadly at him until she sees the glitter return to his morose eyes. "Now then, that's better…" she says with great gentleness. "Charles, love,…we have just approached it all… in reverse, you and I, so don't you think on it again, and do not regret it for one minute more- for you know that it is deeper for us because of it- because it is based on that full love and friendship we have built over all these years together. Besides which, I do know well enough that you could not ask me to marry earlier, not in our positions in the household, and certainly not with all that mess going on with Anna and Mr Bates about Green, and not to mention the ongoing messes that the Crawley girls always manage to get themselves into." Elsie rolls her eyes to the heavens, "Hupphh… Lord knows that you would never think that His Lordship and Her Ladyship had instilled any sense of decorum into those girls sometimes- I wonder that they were even dropped into the correct family sometimes!- the way they have skirted and overstepped the edges of what is appropriate for any Lady, even in these modern times- I sometimes think they have no sense at all and it irks me that with all their privilege they have come so close to throwing all of that good fortune away time after time, even Lady Sybil with Mr Branson in those early days! And meanwhile, our Anna has been so steadfast and honest and true in all her actions, and yet has had all of that goodness trampled on so very many times…"

"A bit like Job," he muses, almost to himself. "…Well,… the Lord works in mysterious ways, that much seems true, Mrs Carson." Charles interjects quietly.

"Aye," she sighs out, " that must be it, I suppose," shaking her head at the unfairness of it all. "Nevertheless, there you have it, the whole thing for Anna and Mr Bates was on tenterhooks- and we both knew it Charles- His Lordship and Her Ladyship could well have decided that enough support of the Bateses was enough- the potential scandal too large, and that could have been it for both of them. So there really was no stable ground for you to make a stand for me, Charles, and I knew as much. So, although it frustrated me no end, I understand it and so you shan't be regretting that fact anymore with me either, Charles Carson… And besides which, with that time we have at least managed to set ourselves up well for our own retirement- when we so choose it," then more quietly, she finishes, tightening her grip on his hands "I told you that we cannot change the past, and nor would I, Charles, for I am here now, and you are here now, and it is the very best of times for us, Charles, surely you can see that… So, let's not have any more of all that, hmm…" and she smiles brightly at him, but with some concern still playing in her eyes.

He huffs out a wry laugh at her loving and very level headed tirade against him. "As you wish, Milady," and he smiles a little sheepishly at her, for the memories of their night and morning together…and just for the blinding truth of her.

"But what are you really tired of, Charles? Tell me." She thinks she knows, but she needs him to say it in so many words.

And this is where his sadness truly rises.

Almost guiltily, he tentatively reveals what is making his heart so heavy.

"I…I… oh Elsie, I am just so tired," he sighs out heavily. "I'm tired of attending to others' needs. I am tired of being away from you for the season. I am tired of everything I want now in life being interrupted by others demands, and even if we run Brounker Road as a little guest house- that will still happen to us… and I don't know if I even want that anymore, even if it is by your side, Elsie, and I feel bad that I should feel this way about all of those things." He looks down at his large open palms cradled in her feather soft and strong hands. "Yet, at the same time, Elsie, I am tired of seeing everything I have worked so hard to uphold- the high standards for Downton, all that that represents about what is good and great about the Estate… and about England… really…I... I just see it all slipping through my fingers," and he lifts his open palms up a little in helplessness, his eyes full of heavy unshed tears. "It's like…like… everything I have worked for-everything we have worked for- is just turning to dust- and that soon, no one will care for it at all anymore. And I just hate not having the staff we need to truly maintain it all anyway, even at its current simpler standard… and I know, …I know" he raises his hands in acquiescence of the truth, "I know that everything has changed since the war, and that even I said there is no point to living if we don't let life change us, … but I just don't want to be the one to change myself and my standards to ring in these sorts of changes… And...and then I know it is making me crabby all the time and hard to be with and I hate that I cannot seem to stop it and that it annoys you so when I get like that,… but I just don't want to have to manage it all anymore. But then I still feel that it is still my duty to His Lordship to try and support Lady Mary as she tries to steer this vast ship into this unknown future, just like His Lordship had to after the 6th Earl died and the Estate was in such trouble then.' He looks up to her then, "… but… but, Elsie Love, I also need you to know, that I really meant what I said to you in our vows, and last night… I truly want to forsake all others for you...I am indentured solely to you now, I do want nothing more than to attend to all your needs.. to… to see you happy.. I want to make you so very happy- I still have that left in me at least," and he gives her a shaky wry smile, "but...I just feel…so …so stuck…" he looks forlornly into her eyes once more. "I just don't feel like I am the man to help the estate anymore, and it grieves me… terribly…but I don't know who else could do it ….I…I…just don't know what to do, anymore, Els…"

He looks absolutely stricken. But Elsie smiles brightly at him- elatedly even.

"Oh Charles, my dear man! Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, indeed, hmm?"

He finally looks properly at her, utterly perplexed by her bright and shining smile in this moment.

"Dear Charles- my man. You don't have to carry it all anymore, and you most certainly do not have to feel bad about that fact. We have so many options, really we do, you just haven't seen them yet."

"What can you possibly mean, Elsie?"

"Well, for a start, you have Mr Barrow who can take over for you."

"Bah! Barrow is not to be trusted with supporting Lady Mary into the future!"

"I very much beg to differ, Mr Carson."

"But he will bring scandal upon the house, of that I am sure! He has proven himself to be self-serving and manipulative more times than I care to count, and that he has avoided losing his job on far more than one occasion utterly astounds me to this day."

"Hear me out, please Mr Carson, for I feel that I may see other sides to our Thomas that you have not yet been able to see."

"Hmmph.. He is not 'Our Thomas', Elsie."

"Oh, tosh, Charles! We could not have picked and chosen which children we would have in our lives any more than His lordship and Her Ladyship could have chosen the make-up of their own three daughters, but that does not mean that any of us can forsake them just because they disappoint us at times. Why do you think I helped Ethel the way I did? Can you not see it that it was right of me to do so?"

"Ethel may have been immensely foolish, but she was not, at her heart, a wicked person, even I can see that.. and I did recognise it as just your bull-headed loving way of things, even at the time."

"But who is to say that Thomas is a truly wicked person, Charles?"

"Well, his actions over the years show it for a start…and he is in the eyes of the Lord… and the Law, need I remind you!"

"Maybe so… but it is a human law that was designed to say it, and many laws have been proved pointless in the past and changed… and you yourself said that the Lord moves in mysterious ways. If that is so with the play of Anna's life, might that not also be the case with the likes of people like Thomas? And I do believe he has changed some, Charles, and he has even told me that he is changing his ways with dealing with people- trying to be his better self, and that it hurts him when he is still seen only as who he once was. He seems to have developed a strong friendship with Miss Baxter even, and I know for a fact that it has somehow grown out of some very rocky beginnings between them, indeed. So he has grown and he has changed, Charles. He is trying to be a better man, even if you have not seen it yet…. He has some weight of years behind him now, and I think that he is actually less angry at the world, and a little wiser to himself. He is actually very close to the age you were when you became Butler, when you think of it, Charles."

"But he has not changed that about himself. Has he, Elsie?"

"No, … no,…I do not suppose that he has, Charles," she replies quietly. They sit quietly with their thoughts for a moment, before Elsie continues, tentatively. "Charles,… I do not know that he actually can change that though, for I understand that he may have already tried very hard indeed to do so…

Charles,… I once told you once he was not the first of his type that I had met, and… I do not claim to understand it, or like the thought of it, or even approve of it, Charles…But, it has seemed to me, with people like Thomas, that it is just something that is within them, for, I do not imagine that anyone truly wants to live outside of what the rest of society sees as appropriate or abides by, so I can only guess that it is somehow in Thomas' nature, and that for some reason, outside of our understanding perhaps, it is his lot in life to live with that nature and to make his way in the world as best he can with it. And I surely do not envy him that, for it cannot be easy knowing that you may not ever find a love like others have, a love such as we are lucky enough to have, Charles…and a love that happens to be natural for us."

Charles remains silent.

"Charles, if you have read a little of Classical philosophy, you must know that in Ancient Greek culture, these things were not necessarily so…admonished…shall we say, and I am not saying that they were right about such things… but equally, how can we ever be so certain of our stance on what we believe is right and wrong in this life- in our here and now? Are we not all just trying to find a way to explain the world around us…and to live in it as best we can with our fellow man?"

"Timagoras and Meles," Charles says quietly, almost to himself.

"Hmm? How's that, Charles?"

"Oh…umm.. I was reminded of an altar…Elsie, set up to honour Anteros in ancient Athens. I read of it at the time I was looking into all this about the monument…and I just forgot it as an item of Greek excess and idolatry…and it just disgusted me really… I did not care to dwell on it with thinking about it at the time…But, the story is that, supposedly, Timagoras loved Meles but was mocked by that man and so Timagoras threw himself down a cliff when his love was not requited, and then in repentance for his own cruelty, Meles also threw himself down the same rock… At the time I briefly thought that it served them both right…"

"Well, I hardly think any of us needs to be throwing ourselves off any cliffs for the sake of Mr Barrow, Charles!… Hmm…But… perhaps that story is to remind us not to spurn him quite so readily… in his way of trying to find some sort of love in this world…." Elsie sighs long. "All that I know… is that I can see our Thomas still leaning out for some kind of love in this world, and maybe it is not always the love of another man anymore… and that is the goodness in him, that he keeps on searching… for friendship, at the very least- like with helping Andy to get on at the house, and to read- for I do not think he was searching for any more than friendship on that front, despite some of our fears for the young lad's innocence. And surely, you must see it, Charles, in the way Thomas is like a kind Uncle to young Master Crawley now? …Did you not try to find love again in your life after Alice with your connection to Lady Mary?"

"I suppose so…But I did not think you approved of my connection to Lady Mary, Elsie?"

"Oh Charles, I am not quite so unforgiving, well…at least …I hope not! Granted, she has annoyed me immensely over the years, with all her haughty demands on you, and everyone else around her, truth be told…and I abhor her blatant meanness to some people at times- and even her direct unkindness to you sometimes- which I know has been completely unwarranted. She is an inherently foolish girl, it seems to me."

"But she has great spirit, Elsie, perhaps you do not see that?"

"Oh, but I will indeed grant you that. She rises time and again from the ashes of her own messes it seems. I think there is more than a little of the Dowager's indomitable spirit in that one, to be sure… not to mention the inherent need to be right or to have the last word!" she says with a knowing but humorous smile."But, Charles, even I am not so blind as to see that she has a very high regard for you…and I cannot begrudge you what affection you have for her that is just a natural part of you. She may be no favourite of mine, but she is a hurting soul in many ways… like Thomas really… and that is another reason I think that Mr Barrow is well suited to stand at her side as Downton moves forward. And besides, on a completely mercenary level… well almost…her regard for you might just serve our best interests in the long run.

"I don't understand at all what you mean, Elsie… you sound like you have been plotting something."

"Not plotting, as such, just mulling over different scenarios for a while… and waiting to see where you were standing on certain things. If I have learnt nothing else in all these years, I have at least learnt to be patient with regards to us, I think, Mr Carson!... And I will not push your final decision on these matters, but equally, I will not hold back from stating a case that I think makes sense for us, based on where I currently see your head is at. And I know you to be a man who is open to being convinced of different ideas, Charles… and I do love you so for that, no matter what we end up doing together, remember that."

"All right, Elsie,… go on…and I shall try to keep an open mind."

"Thank you, a chagair.. for I only want what is best for us first, but also for Downton in the long run. ..You see, I guess I was thinking on it on the train yesterday Charles…well, not all of this, just that idea that Lady Mary and Thomas are somewhat akin to one another….Well, anyway, you see,... we have both seen, for quite a while now that Thomas, is ready to learn more from you and to take on the role of Butler- at least somewhere, and he has had to be keeping an eye out for a position as you know. And you have to admit that he is whip-smart and a very keen observer of all that is going on around him…"

"Cunning, is more the like, I would say," Charles interjects.

"In the past, yes, I'll not deny that at all, Charles, but equally, he has learnt a lot over the years just from quietly watching you at work, Charles, and I do not think it would take much direct instruction in the intricate vagaries of your work to bring him fully up to speed with the household, and he would have access to all your butler's diaries and the like. But these great houses, as you said so yourself, they are not what they once were, and his chances are limited on ever getting a position elsewhere. Many don't even seem to keep any permanent staff it seems- all of our days appear numbered."

"Well, you have yet to convince me that Thomas is worthy of holding the secrets of the house, even if he is capable of the work, which I will concede he does have the skills for, with a bit of fine tuning, to be sure…but what do you mean, he is akin to Lady Mary?" Charles asks, with quite a note of distaste in his tone.

"Well, I hope I can make this sound like some sort of sense…you see, it was strange on the train yesterday, Charles. I had time to ponder a great many things it seems, and it struck me at one point that both Thomas and Lady Mary have grown up never feeling that they are quite good enough for what the world has set out for them. Thomas' nature, if we are to think of it in that way, sets him outside of what is expected of a man in the world. He is alone and lonely, and he must surely live with a sense that he will never truly fit in anywhere. And all I know… is that he appreciates the few grounding roots he has managed to put down for himself at Downton, he has told me as much, and I think he finally wants those roots to be more stable for him… But then on the other hand, Lady Mary, when you think on it, has also grown up with a sense that she will never quite be good enough. She was born a girl, when the entail required a boy to succeed his Lordship and keep the Estate in the family. And although I do not credit either His Lordship, or Her Ladyship with ever purposely or openly making Lady Mary feel bad for this, these things do hang heavily in the air of a great house, and Lady Mary could not have avoided feeling that she was always a disappointment in some way- not quite what the Estate really needed. I mean, really,… she spent years knowing she would need to marry a cousin to keep the Estate safe for the rest of the family to stay in, and when that failed with Mr Patrick's death, she was expected to marry to the highest bidder and support the rest of the family somehow through that, it seems. Thank God for Master Matthew, really, for at least he finally saw to it the Lady Mary got what should have been hers all along- you said yourself that the entail was a wicked law, and you were right. And I do hate that Lady Mary lost poor Master Crawley… no one deserves that kind of grief so young in life, and I think that the Estate might be in a very different place today if he had lived on. He was a good match for her…"

"He truly was at that, Elsie. I don't think there are many men that would be such a match for Lady Mary… but you will say that I am being biased in my opinion of her again, I am sure."

"No, Charles, I think you are being quite accurate in that assessment, although perhaps I think it more because she is such a bally great handful to deal with and Master Crawley seemed to be equal to that task!" she looks at Charles affectionately.

He huffs a small laugh and his eyes glint in appreciation at her good humour. He is at least glad of Elsie's honesty and a certain generosity to Lady Mary's particular circumstances.

"But more than that Charles, Lady Mary can run this Estate well into the future, and she will not be afraid of the changes she will have to make…the ones that would have grieved his Lordship too much to probably follow through with. But even I can credit Lady Mary with feeling as deeply for any radical cutting up of the Estate that has troubled His Lordship over the years. I do not think she will be rash in her decision making. But also think on it now, Charles, Mr Branson is back to stay, and he is a good strong influence on Lady Mary. I fancy he has a far leveller head on his shoulders than when he first arrived at Downton. He has mellowed, and he has a very good business head and he will not be easily cowed by Lady Mary's opinions if he thinks that she is wrong. They have done well together in the past and I believe that they shall again."

"All of that is good sense, Elsie. And I too am glad that Mr Branson has returned. He has done Lady Sybil very proud indeed, he cares as much for other people as she once did and I believe him to be a good man…But I still cannot see Mr Barrow fitting in with what the Estate and the family need of a Butler."

"Well, my thinking is that the role will make the man, Charles. It made you who you are, to be sure, but differently… because you were and are different men to begin with. Being a Butler has made you stronger and more confident, I fancy, …and stalwart, and you developed a keen sense of propriety for all occasions- for I know that you are a hopeless liar, Charles, but you are certainly the keeper of a great many secrets- and you and I both know that that is what, unfortunately, is needed to run a successful household like the Granthams in this kind of world. And Thomas, instead, is all outward confidence and secrecy first, but the role of Butler will force him to act with a level of honesty for the family, because now it will absolutely be his livelihood that will be affected if he ever betrays a trust again. It may not be a perfect way to approach the role, but it will work, I believe. I think Thomas well knows the importance of holding close counsel for Lady Mary, and there is a myriad of secrets in that girl's heart that could lead to hers, and others ruin, of that I am sadly sure. But, likewise, Thomas has always had to hold so much of his own nature in check and has had to hide many secrets in order to avoid ruin. If he does learn more of any indiscretions on the part of Lady Mary, I believe he will understand the origins of those actions, and certainly the need to protect the whole Estate's position by keeping it all under wraps. I do believe that the two are a match, intellectually, and personality wise- and that I think is important, for I see that you have had your own affinity with his Lordship that way over the years. You can speak on equal terms with His Lordship, you are both educated and widely read, and I fancy that if it were not for you being indentured as a servant to His Lordship, that you both would have been openly very good and equal friends in a different type of world. And I think that that is what may be developed between Mr Barrow and Lady Mary, given enough time. Does that sound like an accurate assumption, Charles."

"Hmm… I accede to the truth of my relations with His Lordship, as I have often been called on to speak quite freely as his equal on certain matters of outside import, even if no final decisions ever come to rest with me outside of the day to day running of the household to support him….But, …I will need to think on it all, though, Elsie- it is a lot to take in all at once."

"Of course it is. And it has been a lot to say, Mr Carson! Look how the light has faded."

"Yes, we ought to be going if we are going to make it back to the hotel on time," Charles says as he checks his pocket watch. "But you do have some other little plot up your sleeve, I know you well, Mrs Hughes," and he gives her a knowing, faux suspicious stare. "And you have spoken nothing about where this little scenario of yours might leave you and I, nor why you were grinning so happily at me just when I told you of my woes."

Charles rises and offers Elsie his arm and they start walking back towards the bandstand and the entrance gates of the gardens.

"Oh Charles, don't you know? I have only had all of these thoughts, and I was only smiling so broadly at you, because…well, I want exactly what you want now, my love," and she squeezes his arm firmly, and he looks down towards her still smiling face and reaches his free hand to cover hers in equal affection. "I just want to spend what time I have left on this earth with you," and she smiles even more broadly up at him again. "And I most certainly do not want spend my time overseeing the cleaning of the Abbey as the family diminishes and moves into only one wing and then the home permanently becomes a museum for the masses, for it is surely on the cards. And, I was just not cut out to be a curator, Charles, any more than you are cut out to be a tour guide, although I would wager your knowledge of the house's artworks and fittings is unsurpassed… but, like you, I also hate that I cannot keep up the standards of excellence I used to in the housekeeping due to the lack of staff. And really, I just want to retire with you and not be constantly at someone else's beck and call while trying to hold all of this changing mess together, I do not want to see all this scaling back happen under my watch- I think this change is a job for the young, and I am not ashamed to feel that way, and nor should you be, a chagair. We have paid our dues, you and I, and I do not think anyone will begrudge us a little freedom now-…finally!- not His Lordship, or Her Ladyship and I do not think even the Blessed Lady Mary will begrudge you a happy retirement, Mr Carson!"

And at those words he stops and turns to her to him, his heart filling his eyes once more and relief and happiness washing over his face. They have reached the area where the army band is still playing some tunes, but the crowd around them has thinned as families have returned home for supper in the fading midsummer light

"Well, I am not quite sure how this will all play out just yet, but if you please, Mrs Carson, I shall be glad to have you tell me of your cunning plan for us over dinner at the Ritz, does that suit your current arrangements for this evening?."

"Well now, I am flattered, but unfortunately there may be a slight clash, for I was rather under the impression that I had already invited a certain crabby old butler, one Carson, of Downton Abbey, Yorkshire out to dinner at the Ritz this evening. But, I do hope that he may be amenable to you joining us, my dear Mr Carson, provided of course that you can behave yourself at table tonight!" And Elsie raises a bemused but wicked eyebrow at him in askance.

Without warning, Charles pulls Elsie impulsively into a spin on the dance space, making her gasp with pleasant surprise.

"You said maybe we should have a turn about the floor before we go, Mrs Carson." Charles smiles his cheekiest, happiest smile at her as he spins her fluidly around, held tight in his loving arms. He looks intensely into her eyes and asks her quietly, "How is it you always know what I need to hear, a chagair? How do you always manage to pull me out of my worst self and make me feel like I can do no wrong with you?"

"Oh, my love," she says seriously, returning his steady gaze, "a chagair, I was merely reflecting what we both want back onto you. You are the one who compared us to Anteros, after all,... you lovely, big and romantic old duffer!" and she cannot keep the broad smile from her face when she is in his arms this way.

And Charles hums contentedly as she holds him even tighter at his shoulder and fervently squeezes her other hand to his from within his great and gentle grip.

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Assorted Author Notes:

^ In time, I do intend to address this Boadicea backstory I have decided to slot in here (15/11/16 edit)- mainly because the idea occurred to me after initially publishing this chapter- and then I realised that Charles and Elsie would actually pass by this statue (erected in 1902) outside Big Ben on their day trip today. It will be filled in in a separate, but affiliated 'canon re-jigged' story I think- looking at the events of Season 4 and the secrets Elsie uneasily held back from Charles at that time.

-Most details about the Earl of Shaftesbury and the Piccadilly monument was derived from good ol' wikipedia.

wiki/Shaftesbury_Memorial_Fountain

wiki/Anteros

-Timeline wise, the 7th Earl of Shaftesbury would have been a contemporary of Robert Crawley's father, so I think it reasonable that Charles was in attendance as valet or butler to the 6th Earl of Grantham in the 1880s- wiki/Anthony_Ashley-Cooper,_7th_Earl_of_Shaftesbury

-There was one other website, which I forgot to get the link for and now cannot find, that was the basis of Charles explanation of Anteros courtesy of Plato- I probably didn't paraphrase it as well as I could have, but I appreciate those other words, no matter who wrote them originally!

-This is the York Watergate I refer to in the Embankment Gardens- wiki/York_House,_Strand

-Google maps is lots of fun to play around with if you want a visual walk through the Victoria Embankment Gardens, or all of Chelsie's outing really- for that is what I used to help me plot this little story so far. Have fun! :)

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Please leave a review if you have time, it means an awful lot to me to receive them.

Thanks for reading so far!

BorneToFlow