I do not own Twilight.
Thank you so much for hanging in with me. I know it's been a long time between updates but they will be more regular now.
Reviews will get an outtake of Senna's letter to Emmett. I hope those who received Esme's enjoyed it. For new reviewers I'll send that one through too.
A mega-huge thank you to Sherry for helping me with this and Bree for prereading *mwah*
See you at the bottom...
Muffled voices drift up the stairway, dragging me from my dreamless sleep. I burrow my face back into the pillow, unwilling to face the day. I rub the sleep from my eyes as I sit up; remembering I'm meeting with Emmett today. Whatever Dad gave me must have been pretty strong stuff because I haven't slept that deeply for a very long time. Swinging my legs over the side, I notice a DVD on the bedside table. Picking up the blank case in my hands, I turn it over. I know exactly what it is, so there's no need for me to open it. Placing it back, I head to the bathroom.
I take a quick look out the window and see that it's a bright day, but the trees are swaying in the breeze. Summer is on its way, but I dress in a Henley and jeans, just in case it turns cool. It's been a while since I've worn anything other than sweats and t-shirts and it's obvious just how much weight I've lost. All definition has gone from my chest and arms and my jeans are hanging off my hips like some homeboys pants. There's nothing I can do except tighten the belt, thread the loops and hope they don't fall down.
A few minutes later I descend the stairs to find Mom, Dad and Emmett at the breakfast bar drinking coffee.
A worried smile passes over Mom's face as she greets me. "Good morning honey, we let you sleep as long as possible. Emmett hasn't been here long."
Em stands to hug me. "Good to see you, Ed, It's been too long."
I nod, because he's right. It has been too long.
"Mom and Dad have filled me in on what's been happening, so we'll skip the gym today. Mom offered to make us breakfast, but I thought we might get out for a bit. Hit up a coffee shop for a while—get you out of the house. Whaddya think?"
"Sure Em. Sounds great." I agree with just enough enthusiasm to let everyone think I'm okay. Honestly, I'm in two minds. I'm looking forward to catching up with him, but I also know I have a lot of apologizing to do. I haven't exactly been the best friend over the past couple of years.
Emmett and I have always been close, ever since middle school. Em was a latchkey kid, his parents more often than not, were working late or at business functions. Mom was more than happy to take him under her wing as he's an only child like myself. Eventually he spent more time at our house than he did his own. He was basically adopted by both of my parents; so much so it was Dad who sat us both down and gave us the safe sex talk. Whenever Em had issues it was always my parent's he went to first.
With one last gulp of his coffee, a clap on the back for Dad and a kiss on the cheek for Mom, we head on out the door.
"So where to— the usual?" Em asks, keys jingling in his hand as we make our way to the car.
"Ummm, not today. How about we try the one over on East Street?" Uneasiness laces my voice, and I hope he understands without me having to say it.
Emmett agrees quickly, clearly understanding the reason behind the change. We used to meet up at a small coffee shop near the hospital after Senna's treatments. Returning there now would be like slashing open old wounds. Reminding me of what I've lost.
The drive was strained—conversation stilted. I'd never felt uncomfortable with Emmett before, but I don't know what to say. Thoughts are rolling through my head, but verbalizing them is easier said than done. I spend most of the trip with my eyes out the window, staring at the passing scenery. Soon we pull into the parking lot of a cafe we've never been to before. I'm happy to not have any emotions attached to this place, but I still feel dead inside. Emmett's out of the car before I have a chance to change my mind.
He pushes through the glass door and motions for me to take a seat while he orders. He doesn't need to ask what I want, it's never changed in all the years we've known each other. I slide into the red leather booth, the squeaking seat annoys me as I shuffle across. It reinforces the fact that I don't want to be here. The coffee shop is dark, which suits my mood perfectly, but it doesn't feel right being here. Like I'm cheating on Senna or something. Maybe it would have been better to go back to where I know.
By the time Emmett gets back to the table with a couple of hot drinks I've already half shredded a napkin. I know I'm anxious—I'm not ready to face what he has to say. No doubt I'll be getting an ass chewing. I take a good look at Em. He hasn't changed at all. Still broad and bulky with a couple of days growth on his jaw. His bright blue eyes are lacking the joviality I normally see in them though.
"So man, what's been happening?" He asks, steaming hot cup of coffee in one hand while the other taps on the table. Typical Emmett, dancing around the elephant in the room. He's always taken the more subtle approach and avoids conflict if at all possible.
"Well, you know, not much. Just been hanging out at home." What else am I supposed to tell him? That I've been pining my life away, staring at pictures of my dead wife? Somehow I don't think that'd go down too well.
"So what's the reason you can't pick up a phone to call your best friend? Or return any messages? I've been worried about you dude. You can't just up and ignore people who love and care about you. I know you've been through hell, but it's no excuse."
He stops while the waitress placed our orders in front of us before continuing. It's evident his thoughts have been weighing on him, otherwise he wouldn't have cut to the chase so quickly. It's out of character for him.
"I found out from your parents you'd been admitted into the hospital. Why didn't you call before going to the cemetery? I would have come with you, or at least driven you there and back. I know it was Sen's anniversary. I tried to message but you never replied. I figured you just wanted to be left alone."
He shakes his head, then takes a bite of his slowly going cold breakfast. I've been staring at my plate the whole time, pushing the food around but not eating anything. It's better than seeing the hurt on my best friend's face.
"You know what?" He asserts forcefully and a little louder than his normal speaking tone. I lift my head to see him staring intently at me, like he's trying to read my thoughts. "Enough's enough. You've been selfish for too long." His cutlery clatters onto the plate as he continues, "Yeah, I understand that Sen's gone; I miss her like crazy too. But life goes on, you know? You need to pull yourself out of this funk."
"Funk? You think this is a funk? You know nothing, Em. You don't know the half of what I've been through." I take a deep breath to try and calm myself, but it's no use. I'm too upset, to calm down now.
"I don't need to justify myself to you. How would you feel if something happened to Maggie? I know you would be just as gutted as what I am." I slam my fist down on the table, frustrated with how quickly this conversation has turned to shit. I knew it was coming, and if it weren't for the letter from Sen, I definitely would have declined the offer.
Emmett looks out the window and says in almost a whisper, "Maggie and I split a few months ago."
"Wait, what do you mean you split?"
"Just that, we split. She decided she didn't want to be with me anymore." He glances quickly at me before dropping his head in his hands and raking his fingers through his hair. It's a move reminiscent of me when I'm unsettled.
I shake my head in disbelief. Maggie was part of the family as much as Emmett. She would often tag along to our family roast nights that Mom and Dad held often. My parents adored her too, it's hard to comprehend that they've separated.
"No, I don't believe it. You two have been together almost as long as Sen and I have. What the hell happened?" I'm bewildered that this could have happened to the perfect, solid couple they were.
"I knew she was it for me—so I asked her to marry me. She said no. She saw what you and Sen went through. Thought that life was too short to be settling down and getting married. Decided to go back to school and said she wanted to date more. Wanted to see how the other half lived."
He looks back toward me—his eyes glassy and a look of utter sadness on his face.
Great. Now I feel like a complete asshole.
"Em, why didn't you tell me? I would have been there for you."
"Edward, you're flat out being there for anyone but yourself at the moment. Why would I put that on you too? I have called and spoken to you, but I could tell you weren't in the right frame of mind to take on anyone else's problems." He says, shaking his head vehemently.
"But that's what friends do." I say sincerely.
"Touche." He says before putting a huge chunk of pancakes in his mouth.
I'm still not hungry, but eat a forkful of bacon and eggs. I think about what he's told me while we finish our breakfast in silence. I can't believe he split with Maggie and this is the first I've heard about it. They were the same as Senna and I—forever. Things like this aren't meant to happen.
"Listen, Em I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to go off on you like that. It's just—it's been hard, you know? Sen would be upset to know that all this has happened and I wasn't there for you. After everything you've done for us, the least I could have done is be there for you."
Emmett acknowledges my offer of support and we eat in silence, lost in our own thoughts for a few minutes.
Emmett is first to break our lull in conversation. We talk football, but I don't have a clue what is going on in the sports world. I don't watch tv, I don't read. In fact, I don't do anything, except visit the cemetery, sleep and eat very little. I need to make amends, and find out what else has been happening in my best friend's life.
"Well, I have some big news for you. I know this is gonna be upsetting, but you need to know." Emmett announces, making sure he has my complete attention.
"Jazz and Ally had a baby girl a couple of months ago. She's the most gorgeous little thing and they want to see you." He stops a moment to take in my reaction. But there is none. I'm in shock. So much has happened while I've been locked away in my self imposed exile.
"Listen, I know it'll be hard, but she was Sen's best friend. If you can't do it for anyone else, do it for her." I know he's right, but it's something I can't face just yet. All Senna and I ever wanted was a large family of our own. Jealousy cuts to the core of me, but I tamp it down, convincing Emmett that I'm happy for them.
Senna and Alice have been best friends since preschool. Tied at the hip they were. Senna's illness threw Ally for a loop—so much so that they decided to hold off on their family to help care for her.
Emmett once again changes the subject with ease, trying to lighten what's become an overly emotional brunch.
"So, you obviously, haven't been looking after yourself. I guess Sen knew you'd be doing this. You look like that scrawny teen I used to drag to the gym with me every afternoon."
I let out a chuckle and a forced "fuck you", but I know he's right.
"So the next plan is to get you back to eating right and some exercise. Right now, you need to get yourself better so we can get you back to the gym."
I briefly glance out the window while nodding my head in agreement. I see a figure passing by the front of the cafe. Long dark hair and the same stride as Senna—same as I saw that day at the cemetery. I get a glimpse of her profile again and there's no way I can let her go this time.
"Em do you see that?" I question in a hurry so he sees her as I point out the window. I can't miss her this time so I tell him not to worry and rush out of my seat, through the door before he has a chance to respond. By the time I reach the footpath where I'd seen her, she's gone. Disappeared in a sea of bodies that are going about their daily business. I take a couple of deep calming breaths and head back inside.
"What the fuck was that all about man? You took off like a bat out of hell."
"Nothing, just thought I saw someone I knew."
A wave of nausea rolls through my body. The shock of seeing someone so close in resemblance to my wife is eerie. I'm feeling more than rattled at seeing this person again that I start to break out in the sweats and shakes.
I inform Emmett that I'm exhausted and need to head home. Thankfully, he understands and doesn't question me any further; he clears up the bill and we head out.
The drive home is much the same as the one in. I have Emmett drop me off at the door and we make tentative plans to catch up in the next few days, with promises to communicate more.
By the time I drag myself up the stairs to my room, I'm physically and emotionally drained. Finally, my body has returned to its normal state—the sweating and shaking all but gone. I'm left with a thumping headache, so I grab a fresh pair of sweatpants and t-shirt and lay down on the comfortable bed.
My gaze drifts toward the bedside table where the DVD is still laying where I left it this morning. I can't help but pick it up and turn it over in my hands. It's been over a year since I've seen what's on it. The pain was excruciating enough watching it that day at the funeral chapel. Images of Senna's life flashing on the large screen; her birth, baby photos, childhood and teenage years. Our first date, prom and graduations. Lastly, our wedding photos and the few pictures that she allowed to be shown once she got sick. Even with losing her hair, she was still beautiful. She was still my Senna.
I pop it into the DVD player and recline back on the bed. I close my eyes, not even looking at the TV as I let the words of the song wash over me like a calming wave.
So many adventures couldn't happen today
So many songs that we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We let them come true
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever
"Forever Young" by Youth Group on the album Casino Twilight Dogs. Written by Marian Gold, Frank Martens, Bernhard Lloyd.
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Thank you for reading.
Sonia xx