Huge thank you to my beta EdwardsFirstKiss and my prereaders Rebadams7 & Twimam23. You gals are awesome *mwah* Any tinkering is mine
I know you're all anxiously waiting for Bella to turn up, but just hang in there, she's just around the corner ;)
Lastly, I hate to do this, but can I shamelessly ask you for a review, or even a smiley face? I'd love to know what you think. Thank you xx
I stand on the sidewalk in front of the two-story house. A slight breeze rustles the leaves in the trees overhanging the pathway. The neighborhood is clean and quiet, apart from the far-off sounds of children's laughter from a nearby park. It's where you would expect to be a nice place to raise a family.
While trying to work up the courage to walk up the steps and ring the bell, I've been pacing the pavement for a good ten minutes. Scrubbing my hands over my face, I take deep, calming breaths. The nerves in my stomach don't seem to settle. I glance back and forth between the car and the front door, deciding whether to turn tail and run, or swallow my nervousness and just ring the darn bell. A flutter of the curtain in the front window catches my eye, and I realize it's too late to change my mind.
It's been a couple of weeks since that stilted, uncomfortable phone call. Ali asked me to come visit when I was ready. I've been running this moment through my head ever since. Would she yell at me? Slap me? Tell me she was disappointed and never want to see me again? Each scenario was worse than the previous one.
As I stand here, I didn't know if I would ever be ready. The front door suddenly flies open and a blur whizzes toward me, crashing into me so suddenly I almost lose my balance. Thin arms wrap around my neck as silent sobs are cried into the crook of my shoulder. I hesitantly wrap my arms around Alice, unsure as to whether I am doing the right thing by being here.
Alice slowly pulls herself from my embrace and grasps my hand. She looks at me with tear-filled eyes, so like those of my darling Senna. It was something people always commented on and often had people thinking they were related.
"Edward, it's ok. Please come inside. I'm so happy to see you." The tug on my hand forces my feet forward, and I follow her up the steps and into the large entry.
Jasper and Alice bought the house just before Senna fell ill. It was a wreck, falling down around itself, holes in the walls and floorboards. It had a kitchen that was half demolished and unusable bathrooms. It was, as they say, the worst house on the best street.
They put everything on hold while Senna was going through treatment, and the house had obviously been completed while I wasn't around. It is now light and airy, with a fresh coat of paint and the floors have been refinished. It looks like a new house. Alice leads me to the kitchen and directs me to a bar stool at the kitchen counter.
"Coffee?" She asks as she fills the jug.
I nod, then ask tentatively "Umm… where's Jasper?" I can't help but fidget nervously as I quickly glance around the lower level.
"He's gone for a walk with the baby. I thought it might make you feel a bit more at ease if we caught up first?"
"Yeah...umm…that's ok." I answer, but I still can't keep the nervous tone from my voice.
Alice finishes making coffee, remembering how I take it as she adds sugar and a dash of creamer. She places the spoon in the sink with a small clang and joins me at the counter.
"Look, Edward. I know this is hard for you…but we don't want to lose you. I know we should have tried harder to keep in touch, but between getting the house finished and the pregnancy being really rough, time just got away from us. I'm…"
I hold up my hand to stop her. There's no reason for her to be apologizing to me. It's the other way around. But Alice being Alice isn't having any of it.
"No, Edward. Please, let me finish...I need to do this. I'm so sorry. We're both so very sorry. By the time we got started on the house, I was pregnant. It was rough, we were trying to work and get as much done on the house as we could before the baby arrived. Time just went by and each time I spoke to you, you said you were fine. I didn't realize…" A sob escapes her throat as her tears star again, "Edward... we didn't mean to turn our backs on you."
Her shoulders tremble as her head drops to her hands. I move from my stool to wrap her once again in my embrace, holding her to my chest as I stroke my hands over her hair.
"Shhh Ali, it's ok. You're not at fault, you've done nothing wrong. These things happen, life goes on and we make the best of what we have."
I stand there and rock her within my arms, waiting for her sobs to lessen. It's hard seeing Ali like that. She's like a sister to me—we were neighbors growing up and went to the same school. She became best friends with Senna when she moved to the area and we've been close ever since.
Losing Senna hit her hard too, and my staying away was as much protection for myself as it was for her. Seeing me in the state I was in would have broken her heart too.
I hold her for a few minutes longer until I pull away and wipe the tears from her face. She smiles sadly at me and reaches for a tissue to blow her nose. The sound of the front door opening breaks us from the moment.
"Ali, I'm home." Jasper's voice resonates through the open plan house.
Alice grips my hand tightly in hers as she slides off the stool. "C'mon, I want to introduce you to our baby girl."
Fear has my feet planted to the floor as sweat starts to bead on my brow. I start to shake, imperceptibly, but I can feel it start to course through my body. I have managed to hold my shit together until now, but anxiety is overtaking the calmness I felt while having coffee. This is the moment of truth, one of the hardest things I've had to do since Senna's been gone. All we ever wanted was to have a family, a large one at that. Now all our dreams are gone while life goes on around me. Ali and Jasper have moved forward in their life while I am destined to be stuck in this misery without Senna.
As happy as I am for them, I don't want to see the baby. It would just be a stake through my heart, another reminder of what I'll never have. Is it jealousy? Or maybe self-preservation. A combination of both is the most likely answer. No matter how many pep talks I received from Mom and Dad, none of it has made this any easier. And I don't want to project my feelings onto them. It's now I'm realizing I made the worst decision in coming here.
As we round the corner Jasper is standing with a pink bundle swaddled in his arms. His eyes are fixed on me, but he's speaking to Alice. "Ali, she's hungry. Why don't you go feed her while I catch up with Edward for a bit?"
I can feel the tension seep slowly from my body as I watch her take the baby and leave for the bedroom.
"Hey, Edward, it's good to see you." Jasper diverts my attention from Alice's retreating form. He wraps me in a warm hug—none of that bro-hug bullshit. "I've missed you. We both have."
Aside from Emmett, Jasper is my closest friend. We'd been the best buddies ever since he moved to Chicago in the spring of our freshman year in high school. The three of us were pretty much inseparable, and along with the girls, we'd formed a very tight bond.
"I know this is going to be tough on you. Especially how much you and Senna wanted a family." He pauses for a second as he scratches the scruff on his jaw. "But you can't shut us out. We want you to be a part of our baby's life, in whatever capacity you choose. Please...can you just see her? If you want to leave straight after that's fine. But if you leave without even meeting her, you'll break Ali's heart."
I stare at the floor, collecting my thoughts. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt them any more than I already had.
"Ok, I'll stay. Just for a little while."
"Great," Jasper claps his hands together once. "Want another coffee? We can sit and catch up on the deck while Ali's feeding. She could be awhile." A content smile crosses his face as he no doubt thinks of his wife and baby girl.
We make ourselves comfortable on the deck chairs with our cups of coffee. Jasper never being one to beat around the bush, starts the second we sit down.
"So what the hell happened man, you just disappeared on us. You look like hell, but from what Esme said you're a lot better than you were. We didn't even know you were in the hospital. Are you doing ok now?"
I spend the next few minutes explaining what happened, and what I've been doing since. Jasper considers me closely before changing the subject. He's not one to dwell on anything. We make small talk for some time and it's like I haven't been astray for the last 12 months.
"I'm back." Alice's return interrupts our conversation, for which I'm both thankful and hesitant. She sits down next to me, the small bundle swaddled tightly. I see tiny pink hands clenched in little fists poking out from the top of the blanket.
"Edward, I'd like you to meet our precious little princess, Melody Senna." At announcing her name, she looks at me, tears in her eyes. "Senna and I had a pact... ever since we were old enough to talk about families. We'd always promised each other that our kids would have each other's middle names. I wanted to check with you if that was ok, but you'd been out of contact for so long. We haven't had her christened or registered her birth yet, so we can always change it."
"No, Ali…" I said, reaching out to put my hand on her arm. "It's perfect," I tell her with a watery smile. At this point, it brings back how much I've hurt them. Senna was their family too.
"Would you like to hold her?" She asks, hope in her eyes.
"Umm Ali, I don't know." Suddenly unsure of myself, I feel the panic start to rise again. It's one thing to look at a sleeping baby, but another to hold one.
"Just for a minute. If you don't want to that's fine. I won't force you."
I contemplate how ridiculous I'm being and agree to hold the baby. Melody. They couldn't have picked a more beautiful name for this precious little being.
Alice gently places the sleeping bundle in my arms. She's cute, with a pouty little mouth and baby soft skin. She has a tiny dribble of milk running from the corner of her mouth. It would gross me out being breast milk, but Alice leans over with a soft cloth and wipes it for her "She's milk drunk." She says with a soft chuckle. Her hair is darker than Jasper's, but not as dark as Ali's. She squishes her eyes together as if she's dreaming and without conscious thought the tears started to fall from my eyes. I've missed out on so much, simply because I was worried about being hurt myself. Instead, I've missed out on what would have been an important part of Senna's and Alice's friendship. One that stood the test of teenage years, separation through the years spent at university and the joy of each other's weddings.
"She's perfect guys," I manage to stutter out between my tears. Alice passes me a tissue to wipe my face as I continued staring at the precious little human in my arms.
"So, tell me all about her. How was your pregnancy?" I ask them to fill in the blanks…I want to know everything about what had happened during my self-imposed exile. We spend the next couple of hours talking and laughing.
A quiet hush comes over them both as they continue a silent conversation that I know only too well. It is like their own private language— Senna and I were the same. It's like we could read each other's minds.
"Edward, I received a letter from Senna." Her eyes are filled with unshed tears as I nod for her to go on. It only made sense that she would leave a message for her best friend too.
"I won't go into what it said—there was a lot of girl talk," she shakes her head as she remembers, "But let's just say that she asked us to make sure you didn't turn into a hermit. It's in her wishes for us to take you out. Socialize a bit. She wants us to go to our old favorite bar. Have a few drinks for her and a good time."
I shake my head at that notion. There is no way I am ready for anything of that nature just yet. I can't imagine going back to a place where we had so many good times. Lots of drinks and dancing, making out in the dark hallways only to stumble into a cab and drunkenly make our way home. Often it would end up with one or both of us passing out half-dressed on the bed, but most of the time it would be our horny assess ripping each other's clothes off as we staggered through the doorway.
"Ali...I just…I don't think I'm ready for that. You understand, don't you? I'm not saying never, just not right now."
Alice kneels beside the chair, her hand stroking mine as I still hold her baby girl in my arms.
"Absolutely we understand. And it's whenever you're ready. But we need to do this, for Senna. It's one of her last wishes." She smiles timidly as she wipes the teardrops from under my eyes.
"We love you, Edward. Please don't shut us out again."
Just a quick note.. I have exams & assessments due, so it may be a couple of weeks before the next update. It's mostly written so it won't be too far away. I hope you enjoyed this update.
Sonia xx